Sunday, June 26, 2011

Golden Dragon (Portland, OR)

Quality of Dances (8/20) – There are three tiers of “dances” at this place. You can get one dance on a bench seat that is not private for $20, three dances for $40 in a semi-private booth, or go to the VIP room. There you close the door and mutually masturbate for 15 minutes for $150 (or $300 for 30 minutes, but don’t kid yourself about lasting that long). The regular lap dances have decent grinding by the dancer, but no touching is allowed. If you weren’t aware of this rule, it’s printed on a nice big sign at the entrance.

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – There is no alcohol served, allowing the Golden Dragon to hire under 21s, which is all they do. I could have been at a UConn girls volleyball practice at this place. Everyone was thin, athletic, young, and was showing off awesome pole moves on the stage. There were a few eights and nines, and the place was littered with sevens and nothing under a six.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – Sixteen girls on a Friday is pretty good, especially since all 16 of them will do a masturbation show (some with a friend). The ratio was roughly one to one given the number of dudes present.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – One unavoidable sticking point to Portland is that it’s full of thin white girls. All athletic with great bodies, but most of the variance involves a) what color her hair is, b) what her tattoos look like, and c) where her piercings are located.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – When you arrive and pay your cover, there are three to four girls waiting at the entrance to give you a Bunny Ranch style tour. Your mileage may vary on that one, depending mostly on how willing you seem to be to spend money. Showing you around the club is mainly a way to show off the menu and gauge how loose you are with the twenties, but most won’t be too pushy about dragging cash out before you even sit down. On nights where there are a ton of girls working and the guys aren’t making it rain, though, they can get a little testy and make it a bit of a buzzkill. You would think having a tough night and a great ratio would encourage the girls to be friendlier and more affectionate, but they just pout if you say no to tossing $150 their way.

Value (6.5/10) – Since there is no booze, you would expect an absurd cover charge, but it’s only $5. The menu consists of three sodas, water, and enormous Red Bulls. The single lap dance option mentioned above is a little overpriced, but the 3 for $40 deal is definitely a worthwhile option. I didn’t try the mutual masturbation, but your $150 will go farther here than possibly anywhere else in the area.

Dance Setup (4/10) – The single dance bench has no privacy and people walk by you all the time. The better option for dances is the semi-private booth. It appears most guys do a single dance to gauge a dancer and then go right to the VIP room, so it’s rare to have more than one guy anywhere near you. I imagine taking a UV light into the VIP room would have enough DNA evidence to make a two part episode of CSI.

Club Setup (3/10) – There is a short bar when you enter on the left and a small stage that is 6” off the floor in the middle. It looks terrible, but it more easily allows dancers to give decent stage action and that’s where most people congregate. Unfortunately, most of the guys are 18 years old, awkward, na├»ve, nervous, and pitching a tent the size of the Chrysler building in front of everyone else in the bright light. The long dance benches near the stage are usually empty (and thus a waste of space), presumably because not many guys are stupid enough to think one dance for $20 is mathematically superior to three for $40.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – Since it’s 18+, there’s a large under 21 crowd coming to the club hammered out of their minds, trying hard to spend all of their $35 checking account. It’s a bit of a change from other clubs, but at least everyone is happy to be there, even after getting past the two biker extras from Sons of Anarchy at the front door. The larger issue is that it’s brighter than a restaurant and you couldn’t hide in a dark corner unless you went to another club.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – This place is right in the middle of downtown Portland. You can stumble a few blocks to awesome street food and to bars, with public transportation all around. You couldn’t be in a better place if you tried.

Overall – If you have a ton of cash and want to get right into watching two girls have sex in front of you while you masturbate, call this place your own. If not, it’s not a good choice among the several clubs within walking distance of it. The standard Portland “no hands” rule is enforced, and try as I may, I could not get a girl to admit that you can straight up have sex in the VIP room.

Because of the relative strength of its competition, I can only recommend this club for the under-21s, as it may be their only game in town. Just be careful since the girls are better at convincing you to watch them masturbate than you are at convincing them you don’t have enough money to pay for it.

TOTAL SCORE = 48.5

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Filly Corral (Smithton, PA)

Quality of Dances (12.5/20) – These are some excellent nude lap dances.  You can't touch the crotch and I didn't get any signs that extras are available, at least during regular dances, but everyone provides a nice grind and most of the ladies encourage upper body 2-way contact.  Still, what they allow you to do isn't all that unusual.  It's what they're able to do that's really impressive.  Almost all of these ladies know how to work it with their knees, and I even witnessed one girl standing on the lap dance chair and working it with her foot.   That's not a move that I'd like to experience often, but a little variety is never a bad thing.  

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – These ladies redefine the strip-club-at-a-rest-stop scale.  When I first pulled up to this place, I was expecting a half dozen mid-forties enhanced bleached blond borderline lot lizards, but these ladies are genuinely hot.  During two visits, I saw one older dancer and one who could have stood to lose a few pounds, but the vast majority of the ladies in the place are all natural and would have been considered to be high quality even at a big city club.  As long as you're not expecting to see a bunch of 9s and 10s, you should be satisfied with these ladies.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – The Filly Corale is crawling with women.  There are always two ladies on stage at a time, the stage sets are usually just two songs long, and they don't repeat girls often.  Some of the girls hang out together near the stage, but there are always plenty of ladies on the floor and several working the crowd.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – You probably aren't expecting much diversity at a rest stop strip club in the middle of nowhere, and that's a good thing, because there's isn't much at this place. I've seen one black girl and one Asian in two visits, which means that about 95% of the ladies that I've seen have been white.

Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) – Other than a few girls who don't work the crowd as much as I'd like, everyone here is really friendly.  Most of the ladies are actually good to talk to, and everyone that I've gotten dances from have plopped down on my lap to wait for a new song to start.  That should be standard in all clubs, but you have to request it at a lot of places.  I especially enjoyed the one girl who had a tattoo on her ass that read, "Your Name."  Now that's a girl with no plans of settling down anytime soon.  I also have to give some credit here to the club for promoting good interactions between customers and dancers.  Tips are appreciated for good lap dances, but the club has a sign up that tells you to talk to management if any of the ladies are pushy about it.

Value (7/10) – The nude stage action is very good, with a lot of ladies getting pretty graphic with lip spreading and some even allowing some tit grabbing at the rail.  The dances are a decent value at $20 each, and the $20 cover isn't even too bad since you get free beer.  Several of the Pennsylvania clubs that don't have liquor licenses give away beer, but it's been in tiny plastic cups everywhere else that I've been.  Here, you get cans of Bud Light.  I never thought that I'd be so excited about mediocre beer, but it's so delicious when it's (sortof) free.

Dance Setup (2/10) – The dance area is in a separate room from the main stage, but there's no privacy between the several customers who are usually getting a dance at the same time.  The half dozen chair in the room face each other and the room is way too bright, but at least you do get your own comfortable chair.

Club Setup (6/10) – The Filly Corral could pass for a dentist's office on the outside, but on the inside, it's pure strip club, and a pretty good one at that. There's a large, more or less rectangular bar that takes up half of the room, with a few restaurant style booths behind it and a nice but narrow two-pole main stage in front of it. There are also a few other chairs behind the main stage, two small overflow stages and a sectioned off floor level area called the "snake pit," but it seems like those are all rarely, if ever, used. Either way, I prefer to stay at the bar so that they can keep the "free" beers coming

Club Atmosphere (7.5/10) – You probably shouldn't bring your uptight business associates here (they might be freaked out by the "no spitting" sign, but I love the relaxed blue collar vibe. This is the type of place where everyone just assumes that you drive an 18-wheeler, and if you start to think that every night on the road would be as fun as a night at the Corral, you'll wish you did.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – The Filly Corral is right off of the PA turnpike and is right beside the Flying J travel plaza, so it's basically the best location ever for truck drivers. Sadly, for the rest of us, this club is in the fucking boonies.

Overall – The Filly Corral is, without a doubt, the best club that I've been to in Pennsylvania.  Just a really solid joint with hot, friendly girls, solid dances and no glaring weaknesses.  I don't know if I'd bother to drive 40 minutes each way to get here from Pittsburgh, but I'll definitely drive 20 minutes out of my way to hit it anytime that I'm traveling to Pittsburgh.

RAW SCORE = 58 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Ruby's II (Bridgeport, CT)

Quality of Dances (13/20) - The dances are nude and the girls make decent contact with you and most of them are fine with varying degrees of 2 way contact. There are big signs all over the club saying "No physical contact with the dancers," so you probably shouldn't assume that it's okay to grab a handful of titty, but I haven't found a girl here who seemed to mind when my hands slowly moved in that general direction. Some of these girls indicate that they'll get the job done if you stick around for several songs, but I've never gotten a dance from a girl hot enough to tempt me to take them up on those offers.

Quality of Dancers (4.5/10) - A lot of these ladies are on the older side, and you really won't find many stunning dancers here, but the majority of white girls are fairly attractive in a girl-next-door sort of way. Many of the Latinas are a little more sloppy, but they're still Latinas, so you know I won't complain too much.

Number of Dancers (4/10) - There are a decent number of girls here during peak hours on peak days, but any time other than that and it can be a little sparse. By closing time on weekends, it's really thinned out. I can understand that at clubs that close at 3 am, but there's really no excuse for girls to leave early when the club closes at 1. And early in the week, it's pretty bad regardless of what time you go.

Variety/Diversity of dDancers (3/5) - You'll find plenty of white girls and Brazilians, but there's a surprising lack of black dancers given the location.

Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) - The girls should be more interested in getting people to get dances, but they were all friendly once I got their attention and I've never seen women look so appreciative for even small tips. You're pretty much guaranteed to get a face full of tits if you sit at the stage, and one time when I put a single on the stage and walked away, you'd have thought Nelly had just slid his credit card through the girl's ass.

Value (6/10) - $5 cover and $20 dances seem to be slightly less than at most clubs in the area, and it's BYOB with a small fee for them to hold onto your drinks. If you're just passing through town, and I hope for your sake that you are, BYOB doesn't really help that much. The signs say there's a 3 drink minimum, but that doesn't seem to be strictly enforced.

Dance Setup (2.5/10) - There are booths, but they're made of lattice fencing, so they're basically useless. Anyone who is in this part of the club can see right in.

Club Setup (3.5/10) - There's a large bar in one section, a fairly small stage in the next section, and a few pool tables near the far wall. Even though they need more seats in the stage section of the club, this place seems like it could have been pretty decent at some point. Unfortunately, it's pretty run down now.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) - Ruby's is definitely more bar than gentleman's club, which is a problem since they don't serve alcohol. And the Hell's Angels at the bar, the tough guys standing by the pool tables, the country music, and the signs saying "If you're not drinking, you're loitering" don't really add to the atmosphere.

Club Accessibility (1/5) - I can't imagine anyone wanting to stay in this area for long, but it is easily accessible from I-95. The neighborhood isn't great, but it's not terrible and they have a private parking lot where your car should be safe.

Overall - I've been told that you can have a lot of fun with a few of the girls here, and there are plenty of people who really like this place - I'm just not one of them. It might be a decent option if you're looking for a Bridgeport club that's a compromise between the places with really tame lap dances (Scruples) and the places that are ridiculously shady (Bishop's Corner), but a club really has to blow me away to make up for a lack of alcohol, and Ruby's II doesn't.

TOTAL SCORE = 46

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Silky's (McKees Rocks, PA)

Quality of Dances (12/20) – Touching tits is usually tolerated and you can get a good grind from pretty much every lady in the place. The setup prevents thing from getting too intimate unless you pay for the VIP, but these are still the most consistently solid dances in Pittsburgh.

Quality of Dancers (2/10) – I've been less than impressed with the ladies that I've seen at Silky's. During my first vist, I saw one really hot dancer, one who wasn't too bad, two who were about a decade past their sell-by date, and two who were just disgusting. The elderly contingent was missing during my second visit, but the other proportions were about the same. I'm usually fine with sacrificing the quality of dancers for the quality of dances, but it's just ridiculous at this place. And good luck getting the really hot one or even the not-too-bad one away from the other customers long enough to get a dance.

Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – I've seen about a half dozen girls working during both of my weekend night visits. That wouldn't normally be too terrible, but since I was part of a fire code defying number of customers, the ratio makes it almost impossible to get a dance unless you come often enough for the girls to know you.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – I've seen one non-white girl total in two visits. There was at least a little size variation, but since they usually don't have more than one genuinely attractive girl working at a time, you're out of luck if that one attractive girl isn't your type. The one girl's teeth pointed in a variety of directions, but that's not really what I'm looking for in this category.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – I've seen several ladies who spent most of their time talking to their friends who showed up to watch them dance and the majority of dancers seemed annoyed to have to deal with customers. When I finally did get a chance to talk to anyone, the VIP room sales pitch was almost immediate, though it was at least fairly mild as far as sales pitches go. There are just so many guys per girl, at least during busy times, that they really don't have a reason to keep customers happy.

Value (8/10) – Since the four or five beers on tap are free, you really can't beat the $10 cover with fairly solid stage shows, and dances aren't too bad at $20 each either.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – There are six couches lined up facing the same direction on the 2nd floor of the club. Since they all face a bouncer who sits at a desk in the front of the room, you almost feel like you're in class and he's the teacher. Thankfully, he rarely takes a peak, and none of the other dancers or customers can see you if you're on one of the two couches in the back, but it takes the fun out of grabbing titties when you feel like you're going to get sent to after school detention.

Club Setup (1/10) – This is a very narrow club with a tiny (unused) stage in the front, a long narrow stage that takes up most of the club, and a small area to stand in the far back. That area is a little tough to get to since the main stage fills up most of the area that you have to walk through to get to the back. Also, there's not really anywhere to sit other than one table in the back, the stage, or along a wall and the place just generally seems like a dump.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – Silky's seems to be safe enough, but I find it to be depressing. It's just a lot of douchebag guys in their early 20's who don't know that nudity does not automatically equal awesome. The free beer can help you overlook some of the club's shortcomings, but I'd have to drink a dangerous amount to ever have a good time here.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Silky's is right down the street from Club Erotica and is an easy drive from downtown Pittsburgh.

Overall – It's rare for me to recommend against visiting a club that offers the best dances in any given city, but the girls at Silky's are so unattractive that I can't justify ever going back. I guess that if you're only interested in lap dances and you're ready for a club visit before prime clubbing time, it might be worth stopping by to see if you can spend some quality time with one of the few attractive ladies. Otherwise, it's just not worth competing with a room full of guys for the attention of girls who look this bad.

RAW SCORE = 39

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Cheetah (Atlanta, GA)

Quality of Dances (1/20) –  There are many things that I like about The Cheetah, but the lapdances aren't one of them.  These dances are basically just a stage show at your table, because there's absolutely no contact between customers and dancers.

Quality of Dancers (9.5/10) – There are a fair number of implants and several barely-there tits (which, for the record, are preferable to implants), but most of the girls at The Cheetah are blazingly hot.  This place has some of the hottest dancers on the east coast and easily the hottest white girls in the city.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – There are always plenty of girls in the building, as evidenced by the fact that they have three or four girls on stage at a time and they don't repeat girls frequntly.  If they'd all stay out on the floor, they'd have a near perfect score here, but the majority of the girls disappear when they aren't on stage, so the customer to dancer ratio can be unfavorable when they're busy.  That's not a huge problem since lapdances are a waste of time anyway, but I still have to dock them a few points for it.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – It's rare to find a club with this much variety of quality dancers.  Most of the girls are white and relatively thin, but I also saw several attractive thick girls, a few Asians, a few Latinas and some black dancers. And since they have at least three girls on stage at a time, you should pretty much always have a few different types of dancers to ogle at any given time.

Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – Most of the ladies seem to be appreciative of tips, but the disappearing act while not on stage keeps interaction between customers and dancers to a minimum.

Value (3/10) – The stage value is fairly poor, since they have strange rules that require dancers to stay clothed until they get $5 and to keep their bottoms on until they get $10 in tips.  Drinks are also slightly high side at $6, and if you want to sit at one of the tables around the outside of the club, that will cost you $25.  A much better option is to go to the Alluvia restaurant corner of the club, where you get a table for free if you're eating a meal.  The fried chicken breast is delicious, costs $4 less than one of the non-dinner tables, and allows you to have dinner with a view.

Dance Setup (0/10) –  The air dances are right out in the open wherever you happen to be sitting.  That's not a big deal for me since I refuse to pay for airdances, but it still sucks.

Club Setup (6.5/10) – The is a large club with seating in the middle and two small bars and three stages toward the walls.  Two of those stages are fairly standard, but the staircase leading down to the main stage adds some elegance.  The best places to sit are at the tables and booths in the raised areas at opposite ends of the club, but as mentioned above, those seats come at a premium.  My biggest complaint about the setup, though, is the statues beside the stage.  I'm sure that the club owner thought that they looked impressive, but you know what would have made them even more impressive?  If they hadn't been statues of naked dudes.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – The Cheetah is, by far, the classiest club in Atlanta.  It's safe, clean and basically feels like a restaurant (even if you aren't in their restaurant).  Whether or not that's a good thing depends on what you're looking for, but I enjoy it early in the evening when I'm looking to relax.  Once I'm ready to up the alcohol intake, I head elsewhere because there isn't much of a party vibe here.  Overall, though, it's a fun place to hang out for an hour or two.

Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – The Cheetah is in downtown Atlanta near the Georgia Tech campus.  It isn't bad to get to by cab, but I have to highly recommend giving their limo driver a call and having him pick you up.  It's free, but you should tip around $20 if you have a small group or a little more if you've got a large group.  If he's not busy, he's usually even be willing to take you from the club to your next destination, as long as that next destination isn't another club.

Overall – If the Cheetah had even mediocre lap dances, it would be a great club.  If you care less about lap dances than I do, you may even think that it's already a great club.  Air dances just kill a strip club for me.  Luckily, the fried chicken is so good that I was able to look at The Cheetah  as a restaurant experience as much as a strip club experience, and in that context, it excelled.  I've eaten in some exotic locations, but I've never had a better view for a meal than at this place.  Since I was busy eating, the lack of lap dances didn't affect me.  Basically, if you don't care about dances, you should go to The Cheetah because you'll enjoy it.  And if you do care about dances, you should go to Alluvia at The Cheetah for a bite to eat, then head elsewhere to get your lapdance fix.

RAW SCORE = 44

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Acropolis (Portland, OR)

Quality of Dances (6/20) – For a place that advertises no hustle and a more relaxing atmosphere, they may as well say “don’t bother getting a dance, no one else does.”  I was there for two hours, and not a single of the 100+ customers got a dance (including me). That said, it’s hard to imagine they’re anything but the standard Portland “no touching” dance, where she can touch you but you need to act like a cadaver, so I’m going to give them my perceived score.

Quality of Dancers (5/10) – Everyone here was decent but forgettable, save for the tattooed brunette whose hair was straight out of a Mad Max movie.  Kind of a mullet, kind of a mohawk (mulhawk?).  Decent bodies, but no girls appeared to be contestants on The Biggest Loser.  The Acropolis sported the only two sets of fakies on my Portland tour. A terrible shame; I was really hoping to bat 1.000 on the naturals during my trip.

Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Six girls at 7pm on Saturday, with a fresh eight girls on hand at 9pm seems low but not terrible, however when there are dozens upon dozens of dudes surrounding the stages at all times, there is no way to get your groove on.  The bouncer told me they cap the ladies at eight because “that’s how we get the most beautiful girls in Portland.”  I didn’t have the heart to tell him he had a sub-par group for Portland.  I don’t care if you advertise no hustle, eight girls vs. close to 100 guys in a place you call a “strip club” is unacceptable.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (.5/5) – There was more diversity in the female patrons than there was on stage.  All white brunettes with a few fake bombs is not any kind of variety. 

Attitude of Dancers (5/10) – They seem happy to dance their sets and not need to solicit for lapdances, so . . . good?  The lack of interaction means it’s hard to gauge attitude, but I can’t help wanting a little more personality engagement.  Guys fill the stage stools with dollars consistently, so the strippers make the vast majority of their money on the four stages.

Value (7/10) – The cover being $5 is a bit annoying since a lot of other Portland clubs are free.  A lamb gyro with fries for $3, steak tips for $3.75 and $10 or $11 pitchers for many of the 51 beers on tap is beyond glorious as far as food and drink go.  Dances are $20, but no one gets them. The only big drawback is that stage value is non-existent and girls don’t walk around the club at all.  You only see them on stage as they are not allowed by club policy to solicit dances while not on stage.  Since there are always 25 drooling horn balls sitting there, there’s no incentive for the dancer to do anything except get naked and walk around collecting dollars.

Dance Setup (0/10) – There is a small area near the entrance for dances, but literally everyone can see you in the bright lights and the chairs are only big enough for midgets to be comfortable.  You may as well get a dance on stage with 20 of your buddies watching you pop wood.

Club Setup (2.5/10) – The club is set up for you to eat cheap but good food, and drink cheap but good beer.  But almost all the seats are at the stages themselves, so unless you want to be munching on steak one second and reaching into your pocket the next, it’s awkward.  Four stages take up the majority of the club, with minimal extra seating that can view the main stage and a little bit of bar seating that isn’t convenient to view anything.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) – I don’t want to be completely uncharitable even though I don’t really consider this to be a “strip club.”  You could call it an rich man’s Hooters, if Hooters made massive upgrades to their food, drinks, and had their women get naked.  Maybe that works for some people, and for those people I say enjoy. 

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – It’s almost three miles to a bus stop, but at only about five miles south of downtown, it’s a short cab ride or an easy drive.  The club is right on the highway, so there’s no missing it.

Overall – I love a good deal on food and drink, but I also love a strip club that feels like a strip club.  This is not one.  My friend/driver/forward scout in the Portland area likes more stage action and less dancer interaction, but even he thought the number of girls was low and the quality was lacking.  If you’re in need of red meat and beer, and you would like to casually view some boobies while you’re at it, this is an okay joint.  If you want any kind of erotic atmosphere, you’ll need to look elsewhere.

RAW SCORE = 35