Monday, February 28, 2011

Elan's of Danbury (Danbury, CT)

Quality of Dances (7/20) – These are your run of the mill, mediocre lap dances. The girls don't mind if you touch their legs and most of them provide some moderate friction, but I've never walked away from a dance here thinking, "that was totally worth $25."

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – I don't get to Danbury often, so my sample size is fairly small, but most of the girls that I've seen here have been surprisingly hot and all of them have been at least decent. A lot of them are in their late 20s, so you might be disappointed if you're into the barely legal types, but I'll take a hot 29 year old over a busted 22 year old anyday.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – There were well over a dozen women working in the early evening, which worked out to about a 1-to-1 dancer-to-customer ratio. The ratio was lower when I visited later at night, but there were still plenty of attractive ladies to chose from.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – I've found a nice mix of races and nationalities at Elan's, with black girls, white girls, Asian girls, American girls and Russian girls in the mix. Most customers will probably appreciate that these girls are all fairly fit, but it might not be ideal for you if you're into thick chicks or are looking for something to grab onto during a lap dance. I guess that doesn't really matter too much though since two-way contact during the dances is too limited to allow for much grabbing anyway.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – The attitudes at Elan's aren't terrible, but some of the ladies seem to be a little stuck up and they don't circulate as much as they should. Plus they lose another point because one dancer cut me off in the parking lot and gave me the finger. Ladies, be on your best behavior at all times, because you never know when you're in Peter's presence.

Value (3.5/10) – No individual aspect of this club is terribly overpriced, but everything is on the high side, with $25 dances, a $10 cover after 7, $4.50 beers and a fairly mediocre stage show.

Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in the same chairs that they have elsewhere in club and there's absolutely no privacy from other dancers/dancees or anyone else in the place. The one row of chairs along the right-side wall at least faces away from most of the club, but that's still pretty bad. Making matters even worse is the fact that this whole place is way too bright, so it's even easier than it would otherwise be for any voyeurs to watch.

Club Setup (6/10) – They have a large bar with a very low stage several feet away inside, another small stage and the main stage which they only use when they're busy. That's all fine, and they do have reasonably comfortable chairs throughout the club, but the tiny tables suck if you're here with a group. Thankfully, they at least have two or three slightly better tables in the back.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The crowd is usually pretty decent and this place just generally has a solid vibe. It's not at all threatening and is definitely somewhere that I'd consider hosting a bachelor party if any members of the bride-to-be's family were going to be in attendance.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Elan's of Danbury is, unsurprisingly, not far from Danbury, but it's not particularly close to anything else of note. I don't think there's any type of mass transit in the area, so you'll need to drive to get here, but at least they do have more than enough parking if you can manage to steer around the crazy angry strippers in the lot.

Overall – This place is better than I expected, but it's a little on the upscale side for my tastes. The atmosphere makes it perfect for business meetings or outings with the girlfriend, but the mediocre dances and the lack of privacy mean that degenerates like me would be better off saving the cash for a shadier club.


Sunday, February 20, 2011

Ten's Show Club (Salisbury, MA)

Quality of dances (2/20) – The dances here are a huge disappointment. Almost everything else about the club is average or better, but my hands were planted firmly at my sides and the girl never worked her way beyond mid-thigh.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – I know someone who now refers to the Ten's as the Fours, reflecting the club's fall from grace in dancer quality. I don't think it's quite that bad, but I can't rate them above average these days.  The dancers' bodies are still tight, but it seems that most of the pretty faces have left for greener pastures. This is especially depressing because the Ten's used to have some of the best talent in Massachusetts. There is one caveat: because this is a beachfront club, it's very possible that the hotties leave for the winter because of slowed business and then roll back in when the sun comes out. I'll give it another shot in June and see if that hypothesis is supported.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – When I was here last year on a Friday evening, the club was overflowing with dancers; there were at least as many dancers as customers. Last night, however, the ratio was less favorable. Perhaps 12-15 dancers were working, which is a light workforce for a club of this size. 

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - With the exception of a few exotic outliers, the vast majority of women here are white. Still, there's a wide enough variety of body types and hair colors to keep anyone interested.

Attitude of dancers (7.5/10) – It's rare to find girls at this classy of a club who are this down to earth. They don't mind spending some time with the customers, and the sales pitch is subtle or non-existent. One girl sat and talked to me for 20 minutes, and without trying to sell me on a dance, eventually said, "I guess I should get back to work now," then left to talk to other customers. I know she was working when she was talking to me too, but it's a nice approach that more girls should use. Also, despite there being little contact at the stage (see the Value score below), dancers tend to be very interactive and playful up there, which is fun.

Value (3/10) – The cover and the drinks are steep at $10 ($5 before 7 PM and $15 after 9 PM) and $6 (Miller Lite, of course) respectively, and there's not much contact at the stage or in the dances. The lap dances are $20, but they're no different than the $10 table dances.

Dance Setup (2/10) – You can either sit in a chair in the back of the club or in a chair on the 2nd floor. There aren't usually many people on the 2nd floor, so it could be worse, but the dance setup it still pretty bad.

Club Setup (9/10) – This is a large circular club with a bar around about half of the outside of the circle. There's a large clover-leaf stage in the center of the club, and it's surrounded by plenty of tables and chairs. The second floor is mainly set up for viewing the three huge televisions on the wall, but there's also a balcony that overlooks the main stage. I didn't see the third floor, but apparently it's usually available for private parties. Ignoring the shitty dance setup, the rest of this club has by far the best design of any club in the state, and is one of the most well-designed clubs I've ever been to. 

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – For an upscale club, this place actually still has a fairly relaxed atmosphere. In addition to the friendly dancers, there are always massage girls and often groups of curious women who wander in from the beach. The pole dancing used to be superb, but it appears to have taken a turn for the worse. Preston is still making it happen up there, as are a couple of other women.However, they're the exception these days, not the rule.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – Salisbury isn't really close to anything else, but if you're going to Salisbury beach, the club is right beside it.

Overall – Ten's Show Club is by far the best upscale club in Massachusetts. The dances are legitimately awful and the drinks are overpriced, but those are my only real complaints about the place. If you want to introduce a girl to strip clubs or are in the mood to look but not touch, there really isn't a better option in Massachusetts.


Monday, February 14, 2011

Charlie Sheen+Barbie+Reinforced Bras+Christianity+Belly Dancing = Peter Tips?

Now usually I don't do this (what with my blogging having the regularity of a German Bahnhof), but I can't help but break the rhythm of my regularly-scheduled posting today.

I was looking at the blog this morning and happened to check out the Amazon Contextual Product Ads that sit along the right-hand side. I typically don't pay any attention to that stuff and just added the functionality because I figured it might make me money (note to self: it doesn't).

Anyway, after looking at today's crop of ads, I can't figure out if the ad-choosing algorithm writers are mad geniuses, high-functioning potheads, or monkeys throwing feces at a dartboard.

Here's what we've got for sale on the big board:

The Third Season of Two and a Half Men on DVD

This just cracks me up. Ladies and gentlemen, witness the power of Charlie Sheen. This guy is such a cracked-out, porn star obsessed, fivesome-loving degenerate that his aura can cause America's number one comedy, watched by millions of families every week, to be featured on a strip club review blog.

"Hmm, let's see, these readers are into paying women to flash their pierced bajingos and bleached backdoors at close range while drinking cheap light beer and hanging out in dimly-lit rooms with gentlemen who may or may not be prime candidates for To Catch a Predator. What else do they love? Boom! Charlie Sheen!"

Two other questions:

First, if not for Mr. Sheen's recent antics, do you think this ad would have found its way onto the blog? I'm not so sure, which makes me think that this ad algorithm might actually comb internet news stories and cross-reference word choices with those in this blog (stripper, cocaine, porn, blowjob, etc.). Amazing.

Second, why season 3? There are 8 seasons of Two and a Half Men. Season 3 came out on DVD in like 2006. What is it about that season that screams Peter Tips today? I'm not sure we'll ever know, but I'd be interested in hearing hypotheses.

Three Dancers One Dance: Vision and Practicalities of Small Christian Communities and Groups

This actually pops up in the ad as just Three Dancers One Dance, which made me think that it had some potential. I was a little nervous that it might be the next iteration of Two Girls One Cup, so at first I was hesitant to click the link, but ultimately I went for it. As it turns out, the actual product is far more offensive to me than Two Girls One Cup could ever be.

Honestly, even after reading the book's description, I can't even figure out what it's about. It appears to be a guide for "running" Christian communities, whatever the fuck that means. It claims to "enrich and open new horizons for groups of all kinds, not least of those youth (emphasis added)." Crrreeeeeeeeepy. That shit sounds like How to Start a Cult in Ten Easy Steps.

I can only assume this link is here to give Amazon the appearance of some sort of neutral advertising balance, even where it's totally worthless and unnecessary (kind of like how cable news networks used to bring in Ann Coulter to give an opinion on the issues of the day).

Posture Perfect Back Support Brace

This is tremendous, much like the tits it's designed to support. That's what this is for, right? "Widely used by equestrians," my ass. This bad boy exists for all the naturally big-busted women in the world that I love, to save them from the inevitable back problems associated with their gift from God. Thanks for reading and understanding my tastes, Amazon polynomial. It's like we've known each other forever.

Step-by-Step BellyDance DVD with Leilainia

Okay, this one makes sense. It's obviously for dudes who don't have the balls to buy pole-dancing lessons for their wives...yet. I understand. You've gotta to ease into that stuff. You can't be all: "Hey honey, look what I got you for Valentine's Day. A series of really expensive classes that will help you look and move more like all of those women who I spend 10% of our income on every week." You've gotta have a helluva cool wife to pull that shit off up front.

This DVD lets you start the transition. "No, it's not stripping, it's belly dancing, a Middle Eastern tradition practiced for 200 years. You're such a great dancer already, and this will be a fun way to learn something that you've never tried before. I've heard it's very empowering. And you can do it right here at home."

By the way, Leilainia is hot. Smoking hot. So much that I may just go ahead and purchase this DVD for myself. That's not a bad way to spend $16, is it? Is it bad that I'm so obsessed with women and consumerism that I can't even avoid spending money on the ads generated by my own blog?

Princess Genevieve Barbie Doll

Priceless. Who's being targeted here? Dancers who always wanted to be princesses? Their daughters? The daughters of customers? Doll collectors? Child molesters? All of the above?

By the way, fuck Barbie Dolls. Real women have curves. Real curves. And natural tits. And lap dance asses. And dark skin. And dark hair that doesn't run 3/4 of the way down their back. I know Mattel has moved towards more diverse models for their Barbies, but is that really anything more than a hollow gesture?

Also, $54.98? For a Barbie Doll? Only if it's filled with fine Colombian yayo. For that price, I could get one and a half seasons of Two and a Half Men and still have a few bucks left over to tip at the stage. Easy decision.

That's all I've got.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

I hope you're either getting laid or getting paid tonight. Either way, good luck.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Key Club Cabaret (New Haven, CT)

Note: The Key Club Cabaret was previously the Crazy Horse, but had to change their name due to a trademark dispute with the Vegas Crazy Horse.  Previously, this was Stage Door Johnny's/Back Stage Johnny's.  

Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next, with some girls being fairly tame and some girls making a solid attempt to get the job done. Still, even most of the more tame girls have a few moves to make a dance worthwhile.  Also, the dances here are usually nude if you stick around for multiple songs, though that's not a huge plus in my book due to the risk of having to get my dress pants dry-cleaned.  A few girls have indicated that extras are available in the VIP area, but I haven't had $100+ to see if they're true to their word.

Quality of Dancers (5/10) – If you haven't been here since it was Johnny's, you should be pleased, because the quality has gone up significantly under new ownership.  It's still rare to see any girls that I'd rate above an 8 and there are a few who are way past their sell-by date, but the majority of girls are now in the 5-7 range.  Normally that would be worth around a 6, but I had to knock them down a point for having two "girls" that I'm fairly certain are post-op trannies.  Maybe they're just strong-jawed ladies, but in either case, why would a club hire dancers who even beg that question?    

Number of Dancers (6/10) – In the early evenings, there aren't usually a whole lot of dancers or customers.  The lack of customers means that you'll have your pick of the litter, but the lack of dancers means that you still might not have much quality to chose from.  Later in the evening, the number of dancers goes up much quicker than the number of customers, so there might be 2 dancers for every customer if you get here at the right time, and even if you don't, you shouldn't have a hard time getting a girl's attention for a dance. The only time that I've had a real problem was on a Sunday afternoon when there were no dancers, but the manager bought a few rounds of drinks for everyone who was there and the bartendress stepped up to offer lap dances. It still wasn't ideal, but I admire a club that at least makes the effort to make up for its shortcomings.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – The Key Club has a mix of black and white dancers and they've got more than enough size variation, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame.  For whatever reason, the black girls here were usually somewhat hotter than the white ones when this was Johnny's, but that trend seems to be slowly reversing recently.

Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – On multiple occasions, girls have been happy to show me around the club including the VIP dance area even without me asking, and most of them are friendly whether they're on stage or just sitting around bullshitting with customers.  This seems like the type of place where's you'd run into some strung out girls, but that hasn't been my experience at all.  I did once have to help a girl stay on her chair because she was falling down drunk, but otherwise, these girls seem to be fairly well put together.

Value (3/10) – There's a $10 cover after 6pm that gets you into both clubs and the $5 beers, $25 dances and moderate stage value are all ok, but there are much better values to be found elsewhere in Connecticut.  I love lap dances, and these ones are pretty solid, but I have a hard time ever justifying more than one or two when they cost more than $20 each.  Thankfully, some of the girls drop the price to $20 per dance after the first one since the club isn't taking a cut of that extra cash, so you should always ask about that before you agree to a dance if you're considering staying for multiple songs.    

Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance booths from Johnny's are gone, so even though the dance area is classier now, it's not nearly as private.  Still, it isn't terrible since there are two separate bench areas on the nude side of the club, and you can't see those areas unless you're in them.  The ladies make sure to take you to the second bench area if there's already a guy in the first one, so you get an area to yourself as long as only one or two customers are getting dances at a time.  Any more than that though, and it gets cramped and loses all privacy really quickly.  If you're willing to drop the cash for the VIP dances, you'll go around the corner to a row of decent sized individual rooms with a large comfy couch in each.  They don't have doors on the booths, but no one will see you unless they're going for a private dance, so it's still pretty solid if you're looking to get a little intimate.  

Club Setup (4/10) – The new owners have put a lot of money into this place and it's certainly a huge improvement over the way it was before, but something is still missing.  The topless side has a long bar that fills up quickly, a long bench style couch along the far side wall, and a large stage. The stage is reasonably nice overall, but it has one annoying flaw - it doesn't have a lower shelf or ledge where you can sit your drink, so you're choices are to awkwardly hold your beverage or to sit it right on the stage. Not a huge problem, but who knew they even make stages without a place to sit drinks? The nude side doesn't really seem to be a popular place to hang out, but it also has a decent stage with some chairs around it.  I think the topless side needs some tables and booths to make it better for groups, because I really can't see coming here with more than one or two other guys.  

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The setup has become more upscale, but the old dive bar atmosphere still shows through.  I imagine that it will eventually be fairly nice, but for now, it's kind of in that awkward zone where it's too classy to be a dive but too shitty to be classy.  I could also see it getting rougher later at night, but the crowd has always been alright while I've been there.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The Key Club is very close to I-91, isn't too far from I-95, and is within walking distance of some of the best pizza in the U.S. over on Wooster Street.  If you're from the area, I'm sure that you already have your preference and I know better than to try to change your mind, but if you're just passing through, I'd have to recommend Frank Pepe's if you're interested in toppings and Sally's if you're going for plain cheese.  You can't go wrong either way though.  

Overall – The Key Club is already the best club, by far, in New Haven.  It may not be great, but the dances are very good and everything else is solid if you can overlook the varied quality of dancers.  I'm guessing that the dancer quality will go up over time, but for now, that prevents me from adding it to my Connecticut rotation.  Overall, it's about on par with Keepers in Milford, and even though I'd still probably chose Centerfolds in Berlin over the Key Club, the Key Club has become a very reasonable option if you're in New Haven and time is limited.


Sunday, February 6, 2011

Gin Dee's (West Haven, CT)

Quality of Dances (5.5/20) – The girls make some contact with customers and a halfhearted grind is pretty standard, but two way contact is not encouraged.  No one has protested when I've put my hands on their legs, but I don't get the impression that anything beyond that is tolerated with most of these girls.

Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – I feel bad being too harsh here because the bright lighting makes the flaws more visible than they'd be most places, but either way, there are plenty of flaws here.  I know that some guys are into tattooed chicks, but there's way too much ink in here for my tastes, and a lot of the girls just look generally sloppy.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – They've had less than a half dozen girls dancing every time I've been there, though I'm pleased to say that hasn't been all that often. Still, there aren't a whole lot of customers so the ratio isn't too bad.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – They have about an equal number of black and white dancers with every size from meth addict thin to borderline-obese represented.  If it weren't for the fact that most of the variety is just variations of ugly, this score would be at least a point higher.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Most of these girls are reasonably friendly and they really spend a lot of time chatting with the regulars, even if no one is spending money.  That would usually annoy me since I'm not a regular, but for the most part, I'm just thankful that other guys have kept these ladies away from me.

Value (4/10) – The $5 cover, $4 domestic beers and stage value aren't too bad, especially since a lot of the girls flash the puss on stage despite it only being a topless club.  The dances are where they lose it though, since they charge $25 even though the service isn't worth half that.

Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in a small area towards the back of the club where there are four horribly uncomfortable chairs.  That wouldn't be so bad, but they face towards each other, there are no barriers and there are mirrors on both sides, so it's almost impossible not to watch everyone else get dances. The only positive is that people at the bar can't see you.

Club Setup (2/10) – This place is a lot bigger on the inside that you'd realize from driving by, but they really don't need or make use of all of the space that they've got.  The stage in particular is needlessly large, with no more than one girl dancing (or wiggling, as the case may be) at a time. I guess the draw is the large bar and the pool tables, but just like with girls, you see all the flaws in this place thanks to the bright lighting.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The crowd can be a little shady and this place is just generally depressing, but it's not as bad it would be if it were darker.  It really is a catch 22 for them though - turn up the lights and the girls look like shit, or turn down the lights and depress the hell out of everyone.

Club Accessibility (2/5) - Gin Dee's isn't far from New Haven and they have plenty of parking, but you're going to have to drive to get there.

Overall – There are some bad clubs in and around New Haven, but Gin Dee's is probably the worst of them. If you're in the area and are desperate to go to a club, you're much better off driving the 10 minutes down I-95 to Keepers in Milford or heading into New Haven to the Crazy Horse.