Friday, May 29, 2009

Monreal's "Encore" Gentleman's Club (Milwaukee, WI)

Quality of dances (0/20) - Before you even get into the club, you know that you will not be getting a good dance. Posted prominently on the front door is the following sign "Do not touch the dancers. Touching the Dancers is a Class E felony punishable by 9 months imprisonment or $10,000 penalty." I took my chances with the law and got a dance anyways. As one dancer appropriately said "the dances are only $10 for obvious reasons." The most contact I got from the dance was the dancer's hand bracing against my knee as the rest of her body was arm's length away, with the occasional fake tit coming within 7 inches of my face.

Quality of dancers (3/10) - That being said, these could be the most attractive women in all of Wisconsin, minus the fake bombs. Only one girl in the whole place had real tits, and the fake jobs were so bad they look like a small child sculpted them with homemade play dough. This is clearly where Steve Carrell got the line "it was like a bag of sand" in the 40 Year Old Virgin. I can proudly say that I saw the oldest woman I've ever seen dancing in a club here; however, she danced in some sort of ball gown the whole time, only showing her mummified breasts in the last 20 seconds of the song.

Number of dancers (6/10) - There were girls pouring out of every mouse hole in the building. There were at least 15 senior citizens in the bar, and there was pretty close to a 1-1 ratio of girls to old dirty men.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - Milwaukee's mixture of Latina women, old German beer maids and college students were all adequately represented. If you're into white women under the age of 46 or anything other than Hispanic women, you may be out of luck here.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) - I was only able to get two dancers to talk to me as they walked around for their "tip walk." The one was fairly friendly, and the other one talked hockey with me for at least 5 minutes, and selected a song just to taunt me for my hockey affiliations, so she seemed to enjoy her job. However, the other girl basically said that the club sucked, so it's mostly hit or miss.

Value (1/10) - $4.25 is the most I've ever paid for a PBR in my life. It won the Blue Ribbon, but not in the last 100 years. No cover, but I hear there's one at night. $10 for a dance might seem great, but you're better off driving down I-94 and buying a DVD at the trucker store for your $10. Also, no matter where you are sitting at the bar, the girls do a "tip walk" after they get off stage and expect you to give them a dollar regardless of your proximity to the stage or whether you could even see them dancing.

Dance Setup (0/10) - The room is basically just a half wall in the middle of the room with drapes over the front. There are individual chairs all next to each other with no dividers between chairs. There is some privacy, however, since no one ever gets dances here so you won't be bumping into other guys in the room. Also, the dance room shares a wall with the kitchen, so at lunch time the whole room just smells like fried fish.

Club Setup (2.5/10) - When you walk inside, it's basically just a bar; when you walk in further, there is a stage within view of half the bar, and there are seats at the stage and further away from the stage. If you aren't sitting at the stage or one of the three bar stools that face the stage, you're not going to have a great view.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) - If you are an old man, part of a welder's union, or just drink because you hate your life, you will love this place. It's in the middle of a grave yard, and has a sign telling you that you will go to jail if you touch the dancers. Also, I'm 90% sure one of the guys was wearing a prison jumpsuit. The only way you will enjoy the atmosphere is if you treat it like a bar with overpriced beers and girls walking around with their fake bombs hanging out. One small benefit is the cigar ash tray at every table, although I doubt anyone has ever smoked anything but Marlboros or Kools at this place.

Club Accessibility (4/5) - I imagine this is the only reason people come here. It is right off of I-94 by Miller Park, and only about 1 block off of the freeway. They even have a free shuttle to and from Miller Park from the club. However, two sides of building are basically surrounded by a graveyard, so you almost have to come from the freeway to get here. Unsure of public transportation access.

Overall - If you want to get a fish fry, have a beer, and look at fake tits with senior citizens, this is your spot. Otherwise, I would not recommend this club.


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Hill Top (Vaudreuil-Dorion, QC)

Quality of dances (15/20) - If you want more than a dance, this is the place for it. As soon as I walked in, a girl walked over to my table and said "$80 for a blow job, $180 for sex, more for more." I talked her into just giving me a dance and it was very high contact, but she was only willing to do it as a 1-song commercial for her other services. Once she realized that I wouldn't be paying for anything more than dances, she was done. If you go here for dances, at least pretend like there's a chance that you'll be wanting more.

Quality of dancers (6/10) - On previous visits, the women here had been at least as attractive as those in downtown Montreal. On my most recent visit, that definitely was not the case

Number of dancers (4.5/10) - There were only 5 girls here in the mid-afternoon, but my friend and I were the only guys in the place, so the ratio was great.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) - I've seen a mix of black and white dancers at Hill Top, though none of them were attractive during my most recent visit.  Previously, I'd seen some hotter women, but all of them were white.

Attitude of Dancers (1/10) - A girl came right over and was happy to explain how things work to us first-timers, so I thought the attitudes were going to be great, but things changed quickly once the girl realized that I had no intention of getting BJs. She warned all the other dancers about us, and then we couldn't even get anyone to look in our direction, even though we were the only guys in the place.

Value (4/10) - Twenty dollar dances are on the high side for the Montreal area, but there's more contact than you'll get downtown, so it's hard to complain too much.  The $5 cover and $7 beers are both reasonable for this type of place.

Dance Setup (10/10) - They expect that you'll be fucking, so the dance rooms are huge and private, and the chairs are comfy. They don't have any other types of booths, so you'll get the big rooms even if you're just getting a dance.

Club Setup (1/10) - I don't remember seeing a stage, but even if there was one, I'm sure that no one was dancing. They did have some Erotic Photo Hunt machines, but those just stole my loonies.

Club Atmosphere (0/10) - No one comes here to hang out. As the girl told us: "Guys come in, they go to the back, they cum, then they leave."

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) - Hilltop is about a half-hour outside of downtown Montreal, and even once you're nearby, it's still hard to find. The address is 1150 Route Harwood, but the entrance is actually on the hill from Rue Henry-Ford.

Overall - This is probably great for a whorehouse, but it's average at best as a strip club.


Last Update: May 2012

Cafe Cleopatra (Montreal, QC)

Quality of dances (15.5/20) - This is a full contact club that offers the highest contact that I've had in downtown Montreal. A few girls offer extras, and though that's far from the norm, dances are cheap enough that you can afford to try a few girls before you find a good one if that's what you're looking for.

Quality of dancers (7/10) - The girls might be a notch below those at some of the more well known clubs, but they're still hot enough to be at least average for Montreal.

Number of dancers (6/10) - There are a lot of dancers, but the place can be packed on weekend nights, so the girl/guy ratio still might not be great.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) - Most of the girls are white, but as a guy from the U.S., the French Canadian accents are exotic enough to keep things interesting.

Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) - Some of the girls are too pushy and some of the girls are too shy to try to sell dances, but overall, the attitudes are about average.

Value (10/10) - Full contact dances from hot Quebecois for $10 Canadian are as good a deal as you'll ever find.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) - You get your own booth with a sheer drape covering the entrance, but the booths are small and there are so few of them that you'll almost always have to wait to get a dance on weekends.

Club Setup (4.5/10) - The setup isn't bad, but it can be a little bit cramped and the seating isn't all that comfortable.

Club Atmosphere (7.5/10) - If it weren't so crowded, the atmosphere score would be even higher. You can sit here and drink Molson Exports for hours.

Club Accessibility (5/5) - Cleopatra isn't right beside all of the other downtown clubs, but it's easily within stumbling distance. Plus, if you're looking to score some drugs or bang a streetwalker, you'll already be in the neighborhood.

Overall - This is probably the best club in a city full of good to great clubs. It's worth visiting more than one place, but any night in Montreal should include a stop at Cleopatra.


LAST UPDATED: June, 2010

The Squire (Revere, MA)

Quality of Dances (8/20)- It's a rare club that offers dances worth $30, and this isn't one of them. On my most recent visit, it was all one way contact, and that contact was unremarkable. Your money is much better spent at the stage.

Quality of Dancers (3.5/10) - During my first visit, there was one hot black girl, but she did a weird move on stage where she'd face away from you, get on all fours, and make her asshole convulse like she was trying to take a shit. So that kind of ruined her, and sadly, she was still by far the best thing to look at. The girls' hotness factor increased during my second visit, but not a ton. No fakies, and some great outfits, but that can only help the score so much.

Number of Dancers (3/10) - There have been 6-8 girls working both times I've been here. There wasn't a terrible dancer/customer ratio, but it was a Friday and Saturday night for fuck's sake. Boston may not be the hottest city in America, but there's tons of talent floating around. Spend twenty minutes at a BU party and you could recruit 10 new dancers. The owner has to make a better effort here.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - There were some black girls during my first visit, but the second time we came here, it was whiter than Nicole Kidman dipped in bleach. I did like the brunettes though.

Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) - No one gave me any attitude, but it was impossible to get anyone to give a dance and the girls didn't even pretend to enjoy their jobs during my first trip here.

The girls were more friendly during my second visit, but I need to hold a seminar on teaching strippers how to notice guys who want a dance. Also, one girl had so much game she was annoying. Asking for a dance once is ok, asking for tips at the stage once is ok. Asking for $1 every time you take a step towards the pole to do a move: not Peter Tips approved.

Value (3/10) - As stated above, $30 for a dance is totally outrageous. The super-stiff $6 vodka/sodas made with Absolut almost (but didn't) make up for it.

Dance Setup (7/10) - The booths have open doors, but only people walking to get dances would be able to see in, and that shouldn't be a big issue since it doesn't seem like many people get dances here. Also, the bouncer leaves after you pay him, so the girls are more free to negotiate and up the ante during the dance. The privacy factor here is delicious.

Club Setup (2/10) - This is a large club, but the tables that aren't at the stage are set up so that people on one side of the table won't even be able to see the dancers. The space between customer and dancer while at the stage is often overlooked, but in my opinion, there should just barely be room enough to put your drink, dollars, and elbows on the bar area. The width at the stage here was at least three feet. I felt like the dancer was in a different zip code. Also, there are the dozens of neon Budweiser signs along with bright track lighting everywhere that made the club literally bright enough to see the grease stain on the Cuban chef clear across the club. I'd guess that The Squire uses about $400/month in electricity that is both unnecessary and annoying.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) - They have a full food menu with some options that don't look completely disgusting, but they lose major points for making patrons check their cell phones at the door. I wouldn't talk on my phone in a club, but it's nice to be able to see when someone calls so that I can step outside to return the call if it's important. Also, it's impossible to get over the brightness, so it doesn't make you feel very comfortable when working your game.

Club Accessibility (2/5) - I learned about this place from a taxi driver who was trying to convince me to let him take me there, so you can take a cab here from Boston. It would be a fairly long ride though. For one of my trips here, I left from 10.8 miles away, took the T, a bus, and then a cab, paid ~$35, and it took over an hour. If you're even considering going here, DRIVE.

Overall - The Squire isn't as bad as The Glass Slipper or Centerfolds, but it isn't good enough for me to ever go back. If you've got balls, you should probably just brave the danger and hit King Arthur's instead.


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Bare Exposure (Atlantic City, NJ)

Quality of dances (5/20) – For the most part, hands must remain on the armrests during dances, a rule that’s often enforced by the bouncers (who basically watch everything). There is some one-way contact from the dancers, but it’s pretty weak, and they’re usually totally unengaged. And no one I know has ever been offered extras. Not even Black Magic. Finally, all dances are exactly three minutes, and this rule is never broken.

Quality of dancers (7.5/10) – The girls here are definitely fine, and not just Jersey-trash fine. Don’t worry, if you’re in to girls who apply their makeup with a paint roller, you’ll still get your fix, but you’ll also see a fair number of traditionally beautiful women.

Number of dancers (4/10) – On the one hand, there are always at least 20 dancers (probably closer to 30) at this place on weekend nights. On the other, it’s filled with 10 times that many dudes, making for an awful guy/dancer ratio. On the slower nights, the ratio is better, but still not great.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Largely American white and black girls, with some eastern Europeans peppering the mix. Almost no Central/South American women, which is just shameful.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – Pretty weak sauce here. Lots of the standard “What’s your name? Where are you from? Do you want a dance?” Dancers rarely hang around for a drink or even attempt to shoot the breeze. It’s all business. I expect much more than this. The only reason this number even rises to a three is that I once met an awesome pair of dancers during a late-afternoon shift.

Value (2/10) – It’s a $20 cover charge and an extra $5 holding fee for cell phones. These charges run all day and are totally non-negotiable. Sub-par dances are then $30, again non-negotiable. Normally, this would mean a value of zero, but the one saving grace is that it’s BYOB, which is pretty huge. Nevertheless, because everything else is so badly overpriced, I can’t rate this above a two.

Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance room is a separate area near the front of the club. You have to pay the bouncer on your way in and the dancer then swipes her card. The actual room is unremarkable, with a series of standard walled-off booths. A mirror covers all walls, so the bouncer can sneak a quick look and see everything at any given time.

Club Setup (3/10) – It has a decent stage and a second single-pole platform for extra action, but the seating sucks. Once you get about twenty-five people inside, there isn’t a seat in the house. And it’s very small for a club that draws as many patrons as it does.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – Bare Exposure is invariably filled with the biggest douches and juiceheads you can imagine. Add in the fact that it’s wall-to-wall packed after 11 on weekends and the atmosphere is complete shit.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – It’s one block off the Boardwalk in the middle of Atlantic City, walkable from most hotels/casinos and a cheap cab ride from all others. You couldn’t ask for a better location.

Overall – If you’re in Atlantic City and feel the itch, this is pretty much your only option. It beats the shit out of anything else that AC has to offer, but that’s faint praise at best (note that all other clubs are “bikini clubs,” so the women never take their tops off, even during dances). My advice is this: If you insist on going to the Exposure, get yourself a couple of friends and a 30 rack and show up right when it opens (4 PM or 6 PM, depending on the day). Stake out a comfortable spot, get rocked all evening on the cheap while you shoot the shit with the early-arriving women and then quit at 11 and head out to gamble.


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Satin Doll (Providence, RI)

Note: This review is based on visits that took place before the law banning indoor prostitution in Rhode Island went into effect November, 2009. I fear that things may have changed for the worse since then, but since I've been told that this is now a bikini club, I probably won't bother to return for a re-review. I suggest that you skip it too.

Quality of dances (11/20) – The dances are full contact, but the girls don't really pay any special attention to places that need special attention.

Quality of dancers (1/10) – Most of the girls could have stood to lose 50 pounds. I can appreciate a few extra pounds on a girl to soften up the dances, but these dancers went way beyond that.

Number of dancers (3/10) – There were about 5 girls working in the mid afternoon. Luckily, there weren't many guys there, so the ratio was still acceptable.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – There were black and white girls working, but the biggest variation was from moderately fat to obese.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Some of the girls looked a little strung out, but they're friendly and aren't pushy at all. They mostly just ask if you want some company, and if you say no, they move on.

Value (3.5/10) - Drinks are cheap, but at $25, the dances are overpriced.

Dance Setup (5.5/10) – The dance booths don't have doors, but most of them aren't visible from the main part of the club, and some of them aren't very visible even from the other booths. For an extra $25, they'll shut the curtains, but it's too dark to see anything even with the curtain open, so I would think you'd be getting a dance in the dark if you did this. Of course, considering the girls that work here, that might not be a bad thing.

Club Setup (3.5/10) - There's a small stage right by the bar that's a good idea, but no one was on it when I was there. Pillars that are part of this smaller stage block the view of the main stage from the bar.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) - It seemed like an older crowd likes to hang out here, and the dancers seemed to know most of the customers. For an outsider, the atmosphere wasn't great.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – This club is right in downtown Providence, and is only about 3 blocks from the Sportsman's Inn.

Overall - It's not terrible, but it isn't great either. To stay competitive in Providence, they need to do better than this.


Super Contact (Montreal, QC)

Quality of dances (9/20) – On my first trip, this would probably have been a 15, but the amount of contact from the girls has steadily decreased over my last several visits. You can still grab them as much as you want, but it just isn't the same without them rubbing back.

Quality of dancers (8.5/10) – Even by Quebec standards, the girls here are hot. There aren't as many as at Super Sexe, but the quality is just as high.

Number of dancers (4/10) – As with the quality of the dances, the number of dancers has been declining over my last several visits. Recently, there's only been one girl on stage and a few walking around looking to give dances.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – The diversity here is very good. There could stand to be a few more black girls, but there's a pretty solid supply of white and Latina dancers.

Attitude of Dancers (8/10) – The dancers here are great. I go every 4 months or so and am still treated like regulars.

Value (6/10) - The dances are pretty solid for $15 Canadian, but there are many better deals to be had in Montreal.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The booths have open doors, but you are facing parallel to the opening, and only the person in the opposing booth can see what you're up to. It's not a great setup for extras, but its pretty solid for a standard aggressive dance.

Club Setup (5/10) - The club is small and the stage takes up a decent percentage of the space. There are several tables with a good view of the action, but there's no reason not to just sit at the stage since you don't have to tip in Canada. Glorious and Free!

Club Atmosphere (6/10) - The regular waitress, Jessica, is amazing. Other than that, the atmosphere is fairly mediocre.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Downtown Montreal, right along Rue St. Catherine. If you can't walk here from your hotel, you're staying in the wrong area.

Overall - At its best, this is a great club; at its worst, it's a decent place to hang out for a few hours and get some reasonably priced dances. Unfortunately, it has been at its worst recently. Still, of the places right along Rue St. Catherine, this is probably the best.


Super Sexe (Montreal, QC)

Quality of dances (10/20) – The dances are now full contact, but the girls aren't super aggressive.

Quality of dancers (8.5/10) – The girls in this place are pretty damn hot. The club is overpriced because it can afford to be.

Number of dancers (6/10) – There are many women here in the evenings, but the afternoons aren't so great.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – There are a few black girls, but the dancers are mostly white French Canadians.

Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – This is the club that tourists go to, and the girls assume that everyone is a sucker tourist. They'll try to rip you off, and if you won't let them, they'll probably just move on to someone else.

Value (1.5/10) – The $5 cover with a free lunch buffet is a pretty good deal, but evenings here are going to be more expensive than they should be. You have to tip the bouncer each time you get a dance, and you don't really get any value in return for that extra money.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The dances are performed in booths with an open side, but the opening is only facing one other booth, and whoever is in that booth has better things to look at than you.

Club Setup (7/10) - There's a large stage, and a lot of tables away from the stage. Overall, this is a very well designed club.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) - This is the type of club that you could hang out in for hours if it weren't in Montreal. Since it is, though, you need to leave fairly quickly so that you can go to one of the many better clubs that this wonderful city has to offer.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Super Sexe is downtown on Rue St. Catherine. You can be to three or four other clubs within a minute. Assuming that you're staying in this general area (and why wouldn't you?), this club is as accessible as it gets.

Overall - In a normal city, this club would be amazing; in Montreal, it's below average. If you want to see some amazing women, it might be worth stopping in here, but this isn't where you should spend most of your night.


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Club 35-10 Rendezvous (Iberville, Quebec)

Quality of dances (15/20) – The dances here are full contact and are very good. Unfortunately, the girls are unattractive to the point where it affected my ability to fully enjoy the dance.

Quality of dancers (2/10) – The girls here are not attractive enough for any club, but it's just ridiculous to have this kind of slop at a club in Quebec.

Number of dancers (0/10) – In fairness to the club, one of my visits was on Easter Sunday, but that's still no excuse for having only 1 girl working. Even on my other visit, there were still only 2 girls there.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – I saw a black girl there once, but she wasn't great.

Attitude of Dancers (1.5/10) – The girls don't speak much English, so it's hard to rate them on the conversation, but they also don't seem to like working here. Also, if you're the only one working and there are customers that you haven't talked to yet, it's probably a poor time to take a smoke break.

Value (8.5/10) – You can't beat a three dollar cover and full contact dances for $10 Canadian.

Dance Setup (8.5/10) – The booths are small, but they have curtains drawn across, so they're fairly private.

Club Setup (4/10) - The stage is small and not really close to anything else in the club, but the rest of the setup is fine.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) - It would probably be a decent place to watch a hockey game on the large projection screen, but the smaller TV always shows weird solo porn. Also, the whole club has a strange odor, and it just isn't a great place to hang out.

Club Accessibility (0/5) – The club is far from everything, and even once you see it, you have to go through a maze of on-ramps and off-ramps to actually get there. I've been tempted to just park my car along the main highway and walk.

Overall - This club isn't very good at all, but it's right on the route back to the U.S. from Montreal, which makes it a tempting place to stop for a cheap dance and a Red Bull to try to wake up for the ride home. I wish I could say that I'll never go there again, but it's more likely that I'll keep stopping and keep being disappointed.


King Arthur's Lounge (Chelsea, MA)

Quality of dances (5/20) – The dances are nude, but you can't touch the girls and they aren't super aggressive towards you. On the bright side, the dances are fairly long and the girls do at least give some solid knee action, but you'd still be better off saving your $30 for the stage.

Quality of dancers (8/10) – I'm biased toward Latinas, and this place has got a ton of them. There's no other club in the Boston area that can even try to compete with the level of talent that this place brings.

Number of dancers (4/10) – There are usually 2 or 3 girls on the stage, and several more walking around the club or sitting at the bar, but a lot of the girls just go home after their last stage appearance, so it really thins out towards closing time.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Many Latin American countries are represented here, but the majority of the girls are Brazilian. There are also several black girls including at least one Ethiopian, but I've yet to see a white girl or an Asian.

Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) – The girls are playful and actually seem like they enjoy being on stage. This score would have been even higher, but they're loyal to a fault to the regulars when they're not on stage, so it can be tough for a visitor to get the girls' attention.

Value (7/10) – There's no cover, drinks are reasonable ($7 for Corona, which is all anyone drinks), and the fully nude stage show is as good as I've seen. The dances aren't a great value, but the change that you get back when you buy a beer will keep you entertained at the stage for a half hour.

Dance Setup (2/10) – There are a few booths for dances down a small hallway near the stage. The problem is that the hallway is too narrow for people to walk behind the girls that are giving dances, so the girls stop and stand against the wall when people walk by. If there's another dancer and a dude walking between me and the girl I'm getting a dance from, that's a bad dance setup.

Club Setup (3.5/10) - Almost everyone sits at the stage, and the stage setup is decent. It can be tough to find a seat anywhere else, and the club can get packed, so you're forced to bump into people who you'd rather not be bumping.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) - If you just woke up in this club, you'd swear you were in South America or Mexico. Nothing about the crowd, the dancers, or the music gives any hint that you are in New England. It's beautiful. Unfortunately, everyone has to walk on eggshells for fear that someone else will take offense and shoot them in the parking lot. I've never seen any incidents though, as there seems to be a lot of mutual respect between patrons in this place. Also, most of the girls have boyfriends/pimps that sit at the bar, so trying to get the girls' attention for dances can be tricky.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – A $25 cab ride will get you here from downtown Boston, although one cabbie refused to take us because of the shady location. Also, keep in mind that this place closes at 1. And I'm not adding points to accessibility because of the hotel that's upstairs, because no sane person would ever stay there.

Overall – If you're comfortable in bad neighborhoods and you're just looking for a place to see beautiful ladies, King Arthur's is great. If you're in the mood for dances or you're a fan of Lou Dobbs, you should steer clear of this place.


Mario's Showplace (Webster, MA)

Quality of dances (11.5/20) – Mostly full contact, depending on the girl, though I’ve never been offered any extras. The last time that I was there, my dance was fairly mediocre, but there was a substance on the side of the booth that almost certainly was some other dude's jizz, so it's safe to say that experiences can vary wildly from one girl to the next. At least all the women know how to grind on the pipe, which is always a plus.

Quality of dancers (7/10) – I’ve been there both during the week and on the weekend, day and night, and the quality of dancers is pretty consistent, which is a plus. There are always a few 8+ girls, though they are usually taken to the back room by a revolving door of middle-aged locals.

Number of dancers (7/10) – Always at least 1 on stage, and at least 8-10 walking around. The dancer/customer ratio is always a good one.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – It used to be mostly white girls, but they've had several attractive black girls and a few Asians working during my last few visits. Sadly, all of the Latinas in the area work over at Centerfolds.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Almost no girls are pushy, and many will sit down and talk for a while. Though I always buy the girls a drink, it’s never expected and thanks are always given. Very rare to have a bad attitude at this place. Unfortunately, a lot of girls complain about back child support and unpaid student loans, which is kind of a buzzkill, and I've had one girl blatantly miscount dances.

Value (6/10) – You can go to the website and print out a “free cover” coupon, which is up to a $20 value. The only time it doesn’t apply is Saturday after 6pm, but that’s because some porn star is usually being featured. Beers are $5-$6, drinks around $8. For dances, you get a wristband ($5) with your first dance, and all dances afterwards are $25 full nude. So it's $30 for one and the average cost falls after that. Also of note is the $9 prime rib. It comes with crappy frozen veggies and mashed potatoes, but who cares? The 12 ouncer is actually above average, cooked properly and the only food I've ever ordered at a strip club.

Dance Setup (4.5/10) – Comfortable chairs and decent privacy between other guys getting dances does not help the fact that you can probably see someone in the bad seat getting a dance from the entrance if you look hard enough. Bouncers are also right around the corner.

Club Setup (5/10) – When they aren’t too busy, there are 4 tables very close to all three corners of the stage, but not so close that you need your dollar bills out, which is pretty awesome. When it’s busy, it’s very cramped unless you get a good seat before someone else does. The bench seats on the sides are key to getting dancers to sit with you.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) - This is a fully nude, fairly small club that’s comfortable most of the time. The attitude of the girls makes it easily likable, as long as you’re not a jackass yourself. Unfortunately, it completely lacks privacy, which is important for working the game, and it fails to give off that intangible good feeling vibe possessed by some other clubs.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – If you live in Worcester and love to gamble, you're in luck, because Mario's is almost directly on the route to Foxwoods/Mohegan Sun, making it the perfect place for a quick warmup. But if you're anyone else, you're screwed. Relative to most metro areas, Mario's is in the fucking boonies.

Overall – I have a special place in my heart for Mario's, and I'd never recommend that you not go there. But given its relative location, I can't encourage a long trip just for the experience. If you're in the area, then by all means, stop right in. Just make sure you bring a designated driver, because I've often found myself stopping with a group of guys for one beer, only to leave at 2 AM with 75% of us hammered.


Last Updated: September, 2010

The Men's Club (Raleigh, NC)

Quality of dances (15/20) – The girls are friendly – very friendly. Roughly 50% of them will offer extras and all are full contact. Most will try to keep you for another song, but the songs are all at least 3 minutes and very hard to turn down, though they are $30 each and not full nude.

Quality of dancers (7/10) – Though these weren't the finest women I've ever seen, they all dressed to impress with nicely flattering outfits.

Number of dancers (9/10) – Every hour on the hour, the DJ comes on and says, “heeeeeeeeere they come gentlemen!” On that cue, girls start walking from upstairs down a staircase onto the stage and then down to the floor. At first there were 5…then 10…20…30 girls came out. They all hold 8x5 plastic cards that are like the tickets you win at Chuck E. Cheese for prizes, except the prizes are X-rated. If you get a “two-for-one” dance, you get the card that is worth 2 points to be used at the X-rated shop. With 4 points I got a golf towel, cigar cutter and lighter (it's still unclear to me how any of those items are X-rated).

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – I think I got a dance from four different eastern European countries. That's plenty diverse for me, but the remaining founders are partial to a wider variety of racial backgrounds and body types, so the club falls a little short here.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Everyone here is having themselves a blast. The downside is that not many girls will hang out unless you’ll give them a dance within 5 minutes.

Value (5/10) – $12 cover (odd), and beers are $6. Cigars start at $15 and are severely overpriced, even for a strip club. Dances are $30 unless you get the 2 for 1. However, everything is quality.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – Getting to the private dance area feels like a 3 mile walk, but you get a comfy couch and great privacy when you eventually arrive.

Club Setup (2/10) – This place is huge, probably the biggest I’ve been to. As big as it is, somehow they manage to make you feel cramped no matter where you are, so the only dark corners would be in the VIP area.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – Topless, smoking is permitted. Very loud and cramped when it’s busy and you feel like you’re at a huge bachelor party all the time (for some readers, this might be a good thing, so adjust upwards accordingly).

Club Accessibility (0/5) – Close to the highway, but not much else. It's about 45 minutes from anywhere.

Overall – Though it’s a drive from wherever you are, it’s definitely worth checking out at least once. The points store sells anything from iPods to a Mercedes (wow, that’s a lot of dances). If you’re in North Carolina for a golf vacation like I was, make the trip.


Spearmint Rhino (Las Vegas, NV)

Quality of dances (12/20) – Totally depends on the girl. I’ve had full contact in both directions, and I’ve had mild contact from her and no contact for me.

Quality of dancers (10/10) – Despite way too many enhanced titties, this shit is the cream of the crop. If you can’t find a dancer that you love here, you don’t belong near a strip club.

Number of dancers (8/10) – The dancer/dude ratio is almost always very favorable. The one exception is at about 2 AM on Friday and Saturday when it gets packed with asshats. At those times, girls are often just shuttling guys back and forth from the back room and it’s difficult to pin one down for a dance.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (5/5) – Pick your flavor. The Rhino has it.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – These girls are hustlers. No doubt about it. Their game is really transparent to anyone who has spent real time at clubs. If you’re new to the scene, don't be fooled.

Value (3/10) – Always at least a $20 cover, unless you set something up ahead of time. Beers are like $6-7, dances are $20 on the floor and then maybe 3 for $100 in the back (it has been a while). If you pick the right girl, this number might jump a bit, but I don’t think I could ever rate it above a 4.

Dance Setup (4/10) – $20 dances are out on the main floor, and who wants their friends watching them get a dance, so that blows. The backroom has partitioned booths, but the bouncer is pretty close and there aren’t many private spots.

Club Setup (8/10) – Tons of square footage, comfy rolly chairs, big stage, and lots of seating options (next to the stage, elevated and back from the stage, private roped-off area). A very well-planned joint.

Club Atmosphere (8/10) – There's a real good vibe to the Rhino, especially during slower hours. Once you walk through the doors, you feel like you're shut off from the rest of the world and ready to throw down. It's hard to explain, but I'm confident you'll understand upon arrival.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – As accessible as any other Vegas club (shortish cab ride from anywhere on the Strip), but the fact that you can’t walk prevents it from being a 5.

Overall – Here's the thing. The Rhino is well-known as the best strip club in the world. It's got the hottest girls I've ever seen and it's brilliantly set up, but it falls short in several key categories, including quality of dances and dancer attitude. I developed my rating system as a result of years of experience; you should trust my judgment. If you're going for the experience, visit the Rhino. But if you're going for the dances, you've got plenty of better options.


Saturday, May 16, 2009

Balloons (Providence, RI) - CLOSED

Quality of dances (12/20) - The dances here are full contact, but there's not as much effort put into them as anywhere else in Providence.

Quality of dancers (3.5/10) - One very attractive dancer single-handedly brought this score up from a 1.

Number of dancers (2/10) - There were less than 5 dancers working, and only 1 on stage at a time.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3.5/5) - There was some diversity, but since there was only one attractive girl working, there wasn't any variety that was worth looking at.

Attitude of Dancers (2/10) - The girls act like they can't wait to get out of here so they can score some meth.

Value (0/10) - The cover and the dances are both very overpriced.

Dance Setup (3/10) - The dances are done in a separate room, but it isn't very private once you're back there. I was the only one getting a dance at the time, but it seemed like you'd have to share the room with others if multiple people wanted dances at the same time.

Club Setup (2/10) - This is a small, filthy club. There's nowhere great to sit, but at least all of the seats have a good view of the TVs. Unfortunately, those TVs are showing midget porn.

Club Atmosphere (0/10) - While midget porn may be hilarious if you're hammered, it's just disturbing if you're not. And they don't serve alcohol.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) - Balloons is reasonably close to downtown Providence, is right next to a few other clubs, and is open for a few hours after everything else closes.

Overall - With all the other clubs in Providence, there's really no reason to ever go to Balloons.


Diva's (Kearneysville, WV)

Quality of dances (13/20) - It varies from girl to girl, but most of the dances are full contact, and a moderate grind seems to be standard.

Quality of dancers (6/10) - This place is full of West Virginia 9's, which means it's about a 6 overall.

Number of dancers (4.5/10) - There are usually 2 girls on stage, but there aren't enough walking around the club, and the dancer-to-customer ratio can go downhill quickly as the evening goes on.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) - Diva's has almost exclusively white dancers, but that's probably to be expected in West Virginia. At least they sometimes have some Russian ladies to mix it up a little bit.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) - Other than complaining about the local guys who come in and never spend any money, the attitudes are good. The lack of people getting dances has worked out in my favor though, because one Russian gave me a solid free dance in the corner of the main room "to show the other guys how good the dances are." I tried to at least give her a tip, and she wouldn't accept it. I don't think it worked to get anyone else to buy a dance, but I was so impressed that I bought a few from her. Maybe that was her plan all along, but I still thought it was worth a few points.

Value (5/10) - The cover and drinks are reasonable, but the lap dances are a little bit overpriced. I'm not a huge fan of table dances, but they're $5 and seem to be the most popular choice.

Dance Setup (8.5/10) - The dance rooms are great. You get a comfortable chair or a couch in your own decent sized room with a curtain covering the opening. There aren't many of these rooms, but not many people get dances, so it's not a problem.

Club Setup (2/10) - The seating is fairly cramped around the stage and the chairs suck. This wouldn't be too big of a deal, but if they're going to try to sell dances at the tables, they should at least make enough space for it.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) - This is a fully nude club with decent stage action. The atmosphere takes a big hit, though, because there seems to be some tension between the Mexican guys in the crowd and the older white guys. Also, 18 year-olds are allowed in without a wristband, so there are lots of jackasses hanging around.

Club Accessibility (0/5) - The club is about half way between Martinsburg and Charles Town, West Virginia, so it really earned this "0."

Overall - I wouldn't bother driving too far to get here, but it's easily the best club I have seen in the area, and is worth a visit if you're nearby.


Fairways Inn (Smyrna, DE) - CLOSED

Quality of dances - If I'd known at the time that I'd be writing a review, I'd have bitten the bullet and gotten a dance. Sadly, I did not, so I'll have to normalize the club's total score at the end.

Quality of dancers (1.5/10) - I'm fairly certain that I was the only one in the bar under the age of 30, dancers included. I guess they aren't bad for old chicks, but that's still not good.

Number of dancers (2/10) - I never saw more than 3 women here, but I never wanted to see more than 3 topless women from Smyrna, so that's fine. I've never seen too many customers here either, so the ratio's always been acceptable.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) - The only non-white dancer I ever saw was an Asian woman who somehow still managed to be white trash.

Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) - The local guys come here all the time just to talk to the girls. That probably says more about the guys than it does about the girls, but everyone seems to be friendly. One time I was there, a dancer even insisted that she drive a customer home because it wasn't safe for him to be on the roads considering that he could barely stay on top of his chair.

Value (6/10) - There's no cover and the beer is cheap enough that I was able to convince myself that it was worth going here more than once.

Dance Setup - I didn't see a dance area, but I wasn't looking for one, so I can't rate this.

Club Setup (2/10) - Fairways is a small club, but they still manage to waste a lot of space. My memory is a little hazy, but I'm pretty sure that they have a pool table or two.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) - If you'd take away the dancers, this would be a fairly decent dive bar. When you add topless women, my expectations are raised, so I can't give the atmosphere more than a 4.

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) - There's a roach motel next door to the club, but considering that the only thing Smyrna's known for is its state prison, it isn't really somewhere that you'd plan a trip to.

Overall - Although this is the only non-pastie bar in Delaware, I can't recommend it as a strip club. If you're just looking for somewhere to get a drink and break up a long drive home from the beach, it's not too bad.


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Roaring 20's (San Francisco, CA)

Quality of dances (4/20) - The dances are fairly aggressive, but they're not full songs and the tops don't even come off for the normal $20 fee.

Quality of dancers (5.5/10) - Some of the girls are pretty decent, but there's no way that management has ever turned a prospective dancer away for not being attractive enough.

Number of dancers (5/10) - There were maybe a half-dozen girls working on the afternoon shift.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (5/5) - I have never seen more variety in a club. Unfortunately, the Indian, Asian, and Black dancers were just as terrible as the White ones.

Attitude of Dancers (0/10) - They will keep asking if you want a dance until you either get one or leave. When you do get a dance, they will try to hustle you. The one girl that I got a dance from did give me a free DVD of herself in some weird pregnant fetish film though, so that was pretty sweet.

Value (0/10) - The cover is good for a few other bars that are owned by the same guy, but if this is how he runs a club, why would anyone think that's a good thing? Dances are $20, but topless dances are $40 and nude are $60.

Dance Setup (8/10) - The dances are given in decent sized booths with a curtain providing some privacy, but it's dark and doesn't seem very clean.

Club Setup (1.5/10) - It's a small club with most of the chairs lined up along the two main walls. There are no dark corners in which to relax and hide from the pushy dancers.

Club Atmosphere (0/10) - They don't serve alcohol and there isn't much stage action, so the only thing to do is talk to the dancers. And that's not a good thing.

Club Accessibility (5/5) - It's easy to get to, which, as with the Glass Slipper in Boston, isn't a good thing.

Overall - If you're desperate enough to even consider going here, walk the 2 blocks to Chinatown and get yourself a happy ending.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Planet Lockwood (Billings, MT)

Quality of dances (6/20) - There's decent one-way contact, but the rule against customers touching dancers is strictly enforced.

Quality of dancers (6/10) - Maybe my expectations were low, but I was pleasantly surprised. Finding several girls to look at was not a problem.

Number of dancers (5/10) - I've only been there once, but there was a reasonable number of dancers working the night that I stopped by. There were even more customers though, so the ratio still wasn't all that favorable.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) - Even though most of the girls here are white, there still seems to be more diversity than I expected for a club in Montana.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) - The feature dancer was terrible, but everyone else was pretty friendly. I should note here that I harbor strong negative feelings towards feature dancers. They're usually just douche magnets who attract the worst possible crowd to a club: loud and obnoxious juiceheads. They often force a cover where one wouldn't otherwise exist, and for the most part, they aren't as attractive as half the dancers working there. Like Toby, they are the worst.

Value (3.5/10) - Dances are expensive, but drinks and cover were reasonable.

Dance Setup (5/10) - The dances are given in medium sized booths in a separate room from the main stage.

Club Setup (1/10) - The stage takes up most of the club, and there aren't enough tables around it, so you either have to share a table with strangers (yikes) or stay at the stage.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) - I rode there on a Suzuki sportbike, and it was a Harley crowd that didn't seem to take kindly to outsiders. The people who weren't angry bikers mostly seemed like d-bags. There were female audience members taking their tops off though, so I can't completely bash the atmosphere.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) - You could probably walk to the club from downtown Billings, but it would take a while.

Overall - I can't really recommend a club that scores a 41, but there doesn't seem to be much else to do in Billings at night, so I can't recommend against going there either.


The Glass Slipper (Boston, MA)

Quality of dances (6/20) - They'll grind on you, but you can't touch them. This is strictly enforced by a bouncer who stands about 5 feet away from you during the dances.

Quality of dancers (3/10) - Other than one girl who was about an 8, there wasn't anyone worth getting a dance from.

Number of dancers (4/10) - There were probably 8-10 dancers, but the douchebag-to-dancer ratio was very high.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) - Several races were represented, but few of them were represented well.

Attitude of Dancers (0/10) - "Don't look at me if you aren't going to tip." Luckily, she was unattractive enough that no one wanted to look at her anyway.

Value (2/10) - A non-negotiable $10 cover, weak $20 dances, $10 beers, and they make you buy a drink for a girl if you want to sit at a table. A 2 is a gift for this dump.

Dance Setup (1/10) - Dances are performed in a tiny room with bench-style seating along the walls. If it's crowded, you'll be bumping knees with another guy while you get the dance.

Club Setup (1/10) - There's about 3 feet of space between the stage and the bar. There aren't many tables and the whole place is cramped.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) - This is not a place to go to relax. Or to have fun. Or to do much of anything other than ask yourself, "Why didn't I just drive to Providence?" The clientele is terrible, but at least it doesn't seem at all dangerous.

Club Accessibility (5/5) - The club is accessible by the "T" or by taxi from Boston, but this isn't even a good thing. It just means that you'll eventually be tempted to go here. When you do, you'll probably try to convince yourself that it isn't as bad as this review would lead you to believe, but trust me, it is.

Overall - This is a terrible club. Please don't ever go here. And don't go to Centerfolds either. There is a $20 cover there and a 2-foot no-contact rule for dances. I refuse to waste my money there, and you should as well.


Electric Blue (Tolland, CT)

Quality of Dances (19/20) - It varies from girl to girl, but a good dance here is as good as any dance that you'll ever have. Most of the girls are willing to go the extra distance to make sure that you leave satisfied, and a few of them seem to be ashamed if they can't finish you off. The only negative is that some of the girls, especially on the day shift, will play ridiculously short songs in the dance room. If you hear "Extra Pale" or "Acoustic #3" by the Goo Goo Dolls, insist that they wait until the next song. There's no shortage of girls who will give you a great dance, but the Latinas are the safest best if you aren't willing to go through a little trial and error.

Quality of Dancers (6/10) - They don't seem to be very exclusive about who can work here and there have been too many fake tits recently, but there are usually multiple girls in the 7-8 range. That's been less of a sure thing recently though, and I've had to lower my usual standards a few times in order to get a dance. Still, these dances are good enough to justify going with a girl who is a little larger or a little older than I'd usually be spend my cash on.

Number of Dancers (7/10) - There are usually several girls that would be worth getting a dance from, and because the club is rarely too crowded, the dude/dancer ratio is always favorable. There's been more filler than usual lately, but the overall numbers are still pretty solid.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3.5/5) - There are a ton of Brazilians, but African Americans are rare and Asians are nonexistent.

Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) - If they're busy, you may have to approach them, but they're mostly friendly and won't keep pestering you to get dances if you're not interested. Also, they never ask for tips after dances and the stage action is pretty solid. There's been a little more of a push for the Champagne room recently, but most of the girls only ask once and still provide great dances if you decline.

Value (6.5/10) - The $5 cover and drink prices are reasonable, and the dances are an amazing value if you're interested in letting the dancers do everything that they're willing to do. My only complaint here is that they recently started charging the $5 cover even in the afternoons, but at least that means the one drink minimum is gone. If you're anything like me, your sole purpose of being in a club in the afternoon is to get dances, so you can make up for the cover charge by refusing to buy a beverage, that way the net amount of cash that you have available for the ladies won't change.

Dance Setup (2.5/10) - There are partitions between the chairs, but anyone can look in to see what's going on. Also, there are closed-circuit cameras watching, though most of the dancers are skilled enough to block the angles with their body. If a girl asks you where you want to sit, go to the booth in the back left corner, because the dances are significantly better when you're back there.

Club Setup (8/10) - This is not a super-classy club, but it is very well-designed. The stage is fairly large, the chairs are relatively comfortable, and there are plenty of dark corners where you can sit if you don't feel like being out in the open.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) - This is a great place to relax, and seems to be fairly safe (except for the night where one of the dancers came at the bouncer with a knife. It's too bad they fired her; she was a ton of fun). Also, the music is usually pretty solid, even if the late-night DJ (ponytail) is kind of a dickbag.

Club Accessibility (1/5) - The club is right off of the interstate, but there are no hotels and no mass transportation options in the immediate area. If you're looking to stay at a hotel nearby and catch a cab to the club, I recommend the Howard Johnson Express in Vernon. The rooms are cheap, and there are built-in bottle openers beside the toilets. The taxi will cost you about $30 each way and the room is around $65, but it's easily worth it to make an epic night of drinking and strip clubbing.

Overall - This is one of my favorite clubs of all time and is by far the best club in New England.

Last Updated: January, 2011


Standard of Reviews

You should read each review to see how a club stacks up in the specific categories that you're interested in, but here's a rough guide to my scores:

0-35: This club is a dump and there's really no reason to ever go here.

35-40: This club is pretty bad, but I won't judge you for stopping by if you're in the area and are desperate.

40-45: This club isn't great, but it's got a few things going for it, so depending on what you're looking for, it might be worth a visit if you're nearby.

45-50: This is a solid but unspectacular club. Check the specific categories because it almost certainly has some flaws, but you could do a lot worse that going to this club.

50-55: This is a good club that just falls a little short of earning the elusive Peter Tips Seal of Approval.

Anything over 55 is an excellent club. Most of the clubs with a score this high will have the Peter Tips Seal of Approval. This club is definitely worth a visit.

The overall rating for each club is calculated by adding up the following categories:

Quality of dances (_/20) - This category takes into account the aggressiveness of the dancer, the amount of contact in both directions, the availability of "extras," and the willingness of the dancers to give a standard legitimate dance, if you're into that sort of thing.

Quality of dancers (_/10) - This is based solely on looks, but it should be noted that I hate fake tits.

Number of dancers (_/10)- The number of dancers and the dancer-to-customer ratio are both factored into this score.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (_/5) - Since everyone likes something different, a nice mix of races, ages and body types is a plus. It should be noted, though, that a mix of ugly chicks isn't worth nearly as much as a mix of beauties.

Attitude of Dancers (_/10) - How easy is it to get dances? How easy is it to get rid of girls that you don't want a dance from? Do the girls at least act like they like their jobs? Do the girls ask for tips or try to give you a guilt trip if the tip that you give isn't enough?

Value (_/10) - This considers the cover charge, the cost of drinks, the stage value and the cost of dances in relation to what you get.

Dance Setup (_/10) - Privacy, comfort, and cleanliness are all factors.

Club Setup (_/10)

Club Atmosphere (_/10)

Club Accessibility (_/5) - This is measured from the nearest metropolitan area. Clubs are always more fun when you have a few drinks, and since I encourage you to drink responsibly, this is relevant.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The night that inspired the creation of Peter Tips

Only good things result from overnight trips to strip clubs, and our trip to the Electric Blue Cafe was no exception. The following are just a few of the memorable quotes from the night.

"There are two things you should know about your driver. One, he is huge. I should have charged him double. It's like 14 inches. Two, he's drinking vodka out of a flask in his pocket." ~Sabrina

"Your friend is right here. My friend is blowing him." ~Sabrina

"I really didn't try to cheat you. To make it up to you, I'll give you a blow job if you buy me 2 cheeseburgers." ~Coked up waitress

"Trinity bitches are religious, but I'll pray to whatever god gave them those asses." ~Manny Sellpuertorico (best taxidriver ever)

"I let her do things to me that I never thought I'd let a stripper do." ~Manny

"I let her do things to me that I never thought I'd let a stripper do." ~Zo

"Did you see that girl? She's so hot. Man, I'd stick my tongue in her ass." ~Manny

And finally, something along the lines of, "You should make a website where you can write about your strip club adventures and post reviews of the clubs."

With that I present to you