Monday, March 21, 2011

Miss Lindsay's (Orrtanna, PA)

Quality of Dances (4/20) – I can deal with a "no touching" policy that really means that you have to limit your touching to the dancer's legs or hips, but a true no touching rule like they have at Miss Lindsay's is brutal. Though the dancers provide a little friction during the dances, it's tough to feel like an active participant when your hands have to stay firmly planted at your sides. I was told that touching shoulders and hips is allowed during the VIP dances, but since they're $100 after the suggested tip, I can only assume that was a joke.

Quality of dancers (3/10) – Two 7's who were working one of the nights that I stopped by pulled the average way up, because most of the girls here look fairly ragged. When I've stopped by and not seen those two girls, I've have had no choice but to just turn around and walk back out.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Having a half dozen girls working in such a small club isn't too bad. Having all of the girls (except for the one on stage) standing outside smoking and chatting with each other isn't too good. It was nearly impossible for me or any of the other guys to get a girl for a dance, and everyone wanted one since we all got suckered into pre-buying a dance to get free admission.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (0.5/5) – I'll give them half a point for having some body type and age variation, but I've only seen boring white girls here, though that shouldn't be a shocker considering the location. This is getting to be a sizable Hispanic population nearby, so hopefully some Latinas start working here fairly soon.

Attitude of dancers (1/10) – These girls mostly just talk amongst themselves, they walk around the room between songs asking for tips, and they ask for tips before the lap dances. It's hard to blame them too much since the club doesn't give them a cut of the dance fee, but it's such a buzzkill from the customer's perspective.

Value (1/10) – They waive the $12 cover if you buy a dance ticket, but you should probably check out the dancers and make sure that there's someone worthy of your dance money before you agree to that option. I don't think that you can buy a single dance, but you can get 2 for $30, 3 for $40 or 4 for $50, though if you're going for that option, the 20 min VIP for the same price is probably a slightly less terrible deal. The real killer is that the girls will tell you that you're expected to match the prices for a tip. The only reason that I'm even giving them a point is that it's BYOB, but you'd have to bring a shitload of beer to make this place tolerable.

Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in small booths down a tiny hallway off of the main dance room. There's a small chair in there, and even though there are no doors on the booths, the second one would be reasonably private if it weren't for the camera that captures the lack of action.

Club Setup (-1/10) – Miss Lindsay's has the worst setup that I've ever seen, which shouldn't come as a real surprise considering that it's located in the back of a porn store. In the main room, there are rows of tiny chairs that are set up like the least comfortable movie theater of all time. There's one couch in the room, but they yell at customers for sitting there, because apparently it's reserved for dancers, even though I've never seen dancers sitting on it. Everything about this place is so bad that even the neon painting of a scantily clad woman riding a dolphin that's on the wall can't save it. And the fact the "bathroom" is a port-a-john in the parking lot is enough to earn this place the first negative score in the history of this site.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The atmosphere isn't good, but the relatively safe crowd and the unintentional comedy factor are enough to earn them a point.

Club Accessibility (0/5) – Miss Lindsay's is in the mountains about half way between Gettysburg and Chambersburg. Mr. Ed's is the only thing nearby that's worthwhile, but considering that it's a candy store with a talking elephant out front, there probably isn't a big overlap between these two establishments' clienteles.

Overall – This place is better than Silk Stockings in Shippensburg, but it's still one of the worst clubs that I've ever been to, and there's really no reason to ever go here. I'll admit that there aren't a whole lot of other choices in the area, but if you're desperate for a club, you're much better off driving the hour to West Virginia. Not that the West Virginia clubs are great, but they're a hell of a lot better than this shithole.


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Fantasy's Island (Duncannon, PA)

Quality of Dances (7.5/20) – Even though the dances are probably the best thing about this place, they're still average at best.  The girls create some friction with their legs and don't seem to have a problem with customers touching their legs and hips, but your hands better not find their way to the girl's upper body.  If she doesn't enforce the policy (and she almost certainly will), the guy who's watching the closed circuit TV feed of your dance will.

Quality of Dancers (2/10) – Most of these girls have seen better days, and something tells me that they weren't even all that great in their primes. There's some overlap here, but in addition to the worn out girls, there are also lots of fat girls and bad tattoos. There's one lady who is significantly hotter than anyone else in the club, and she'd probably rate as a Duncannon 10. For those of you who aren't familiar with the area, that's the equivalent of about a 6 anywhere else in the free world.

Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – I've found the dancer-to-customer ratio to be acceptable during both of my visits. Still, less than half a dozen girls working on a Friday night and only one girl during my other visit (several years ago) is pretty poor.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – There are some black and some white dancers and a variety of body types and ages, but the variety is worth a lot less when there's only one hot girl in the building.

Attitude of dancers (0/10) – After giving a girl a $10 tip for 1 dance, I was told, "I won't say anything, but if that's all you're going to tip, most girls will cuss you out." Well I won't say anything, but if you act like that, most guys will call you a raging bitch.

Value (1.5/10) – There's a $15 cover and dances are $25, though 2 are $35, 3 are $45, and 4 are $55.  The worst part is that, thanks to the fact that girls don't get a cut of the dance fee, customers are expected to match all of those prices.  Massages are also offered and those start at $70.  The stage action is fully nude, but it's still fairly weak, even for the rainmakers in the crowd.  The only real plus is that its BYOB, so I highly recommend hitting a package store if you insist on coming to this place (Update: According to one of my readers, they now serve alcohol, so it may no longer by BYOB, but I sure as hell am not going to re-visit it to confirm that).

Dance Setup (4/10) –  Dances are given in a separate room on a couch, so it feels fairly private until you notice the camera pointing right at you and the very bright lighting which means that whoever is monitoring the camera feed won't have any problem seeing what you're up to.

Club Setup (1/10) – This club is located in what appears to be a former rec room on the first floor of a house.  There's a small stage in the corner, several small tables and one couch in back.  The only thing that makes the setup seem tolerable is that it's a lot better than it used to be. A few years ago, the club was located in party bus parked in the driveway of this same shitty house.  At least in the present club you don't have to worry about being kidnapped during your lap dance.

Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – The smoke, the somewhat rough crowd and the pimpish looking guy making it rain all added up to about as bad an atmosphere as you can get.  They get half a point based on the assumption that it wouldn't be quite as terrible if you bring beer.  Lots and lots of beer.

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – Like everything else in Duncannon, this place is in the middle of nowhere.  Technically, you could get here from Harrisburg in a little under half an hour, but I really don't know why you'd want to.

Overall – Sadly, I think I preferred this place when it was a bus.  Back then, it was shittily unique; now it's just shitty.  If you need to hit a club in Duncannon, you're much better off across the street at Club Babylon.  Better yet, drive the extra half hour to Wild J's in Port Trevorton.  Of course, the best option of all is to save your cash for some time when you can go to a club that isn't in central Pennsylvania.    


Sunday, March 13, 2011

Club Rouge (Portland, OR)

Quality of Dances (9/20) – You can watch your erection rise and fall as you are told that lap dances are full contact (up), and “full contact” means “you can’t touch her” (down). There is significant grinding action from the ladies, but they’re very explicit about the no touching rule.  If I had an erection, I just lost it.  Even if there are a few girls here and there who will let you go above and beyond, a bouncer pops his head in every few minutes to make sure you’re not having too good a time.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – There was only one girl in the entire club who I would not consider banging, as almost all dancers had fantastic athletic bodies and real bombs.  As in any Portland establishment, you’ll need a high tolerance for ink and piercings, although I did spot perhaps the one stripper in the Portland area who had no tattoos at all.

Number of Dancers (8/10) – Sixteen girls on a Friday is pretty good being that there are four other clubs within walking distance of this place.  The bouncer told me there are normally 25 or so, but I’d have to see it to believe it.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – On a Friday night there were 13 thin white brunettes, two blondes and one black girl who reminded me of Raynesha from Reno 911.  I hope you like them thick.

Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – Even after a girl on stage took my $10 and said she had a customer waiting and then would come say hi to me, she never did and neither did anyone else.  I had to work my Peter magic with a few different girls on stage to get anyone to stop over.   Even at that, it was all business from the start.  They get a few points for not hating life, but that’s all.

Value (5.5/10) – There’s a $5 cover, $5 beers (at most, and a nice selection), and $20 dances, making Club Rouge pretty standard for the Portland area.  The VIP room is $150 for 30 minutes, and if your plan is to just go upstairs and get dances, it’s worth it.  If you are looking for small talk in any way, shape or form, don’t bother.  We did see some serious grinding on the stage, but most likely that is reserved for regulars as I tried like hell to join in and struck out miserably. 

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – There is a lightly curtained area in the corner of the club that is about 15 feet long and 7 feet wide with four comfortable wide chairs—that are right next to each other.  To make things worse, somehow it’s more lit than any other part of the club and as previously stated, the bouncer peaks in more often than the tits shake, so it’s a real downer.

Club Setup (6/10) – The bar is very small and there is not much room to get by it to the main floor.  Not a big deal except for weekend nights, when it’s a huge deal and very annoying.  Once you get in though, there are two small circular stages in the middle (with a girl on each stage at all times), a comfortable booth along the entire perimeter of the club with tables and chairs opposite the booths, and chairs around the stage area.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Rouge tries hard to give the appearance of an upscale, Foxy Lady type club.  The bouncers are in black suits with US Secret Service earpieces that they love talking into.  You need to be at least semi put-together to get in here, including straightening out your backwards hat.  I felt incredibly uncomfortable.  There is no way to get a groove on when it looks like the CIA is watching your every move.  Even more awkward, there is a corner of the room where several girls stand around looking alternately lost, bored, or in a time out.  This is the under-21 cadre of Club Rouge dancers, and, by law, they can only move from the stage to the dance area to the DJ booth.  Most clubs will serve alcohol and hire dancers 21 or older, or else sport the youngbloods and leave out the firewater.  This is Club Rouge’s solution to having both alcohol and dancers under 21.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Club Rouge is in downtown Portland.  You can take the MAX, you can take the bus, you can ride your bike.  After you come out, you can get food or find another strip club in almost any direction.  Or you can just stumble over to the Willamette river and puke over the railing while taking in the scenery.  The possibilities are endless.

Overall – For anyone who is interested in the tease, here it is.  The cover is almost nothing, but not quite.  The dances are full contact, but not from you.   The dance chairs are comfy, until the bouncer winks at you.  The VIP room is private, unless someone looks up at the window to wave.  If you need something to rile you up so you can go home and bang the shit out of the missus, this is the place for you.


Sunday, March 6, 2011

Bishop's Corner (Bridgeport, CT)

Quality of dances (17/20) – You should be pleased by the dances at Bishop's Corner as long as you're more brave than you are choosy.  The dances that I've gotten here have been very enjoyable, with all the ladies really giving it their all.  The ladies all seemed fine with me doing some tit groping, and I'm fairly certain that I'd have gotten away with some crotch grabbing too if I'd wanted to.  My sense of decency was really the only limiting factor on the contact, and one girl was completely shocked that I just wanted a dance rather than a "dance."  She didn't think I was serious at first, but once she realized that I was, here's the conversation that we had:

Dancer: "So you no want a blow job or anything?"  
Me: "No thanks. I don't pay for sex."  
Dancer: "Then why you come to Bishop's Corner?"
...And that pretty much sums up the type of place that this is.     

Disclaimer: As far as I know, it was just the individual girls that I talked to who offer extras.  I'm sure there are some girls here who don't, and I didn't see any signs that management condones those activities.  
Quality of dancers (1/10) – Club 418 in Springfield used to advertise that they had the biggest girls in New England, but this place could have given them a run for their money. I'm not talking about girls who haven't shed their baby fat or girls who are pleasantly plump - most of these girls are just obese.  During my second visit, there was one legitimately hot dancer working, but one hot dancer in two visits just doesn't cut it.   

Number of Dancers (3/10) – There were a decent number of girls working when I stopped by on a Friday night, but there were almost too many guys to even fit in the place, so the ratio was terrible.  On a Sunday afternoon, there were only 3 girls working, but that was plenty for the limited number of customers.  And in my defense, I don't usually visit clubs on Sunday afternoon, but I had to make an exception for this place.  I was too freaked out by the "someone's about to start shooting people" atmosphere on a Friday night to stay for a dance, but I wanted to complete this review and thought that Sunday afternoon would be the only time safe enough for me to risk it.  

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Every girl that I saw was either black or Latina (not that I mind that), and almost every one of them was oversized (yeah, I do mind that). 

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – These girls can't get by on their looks, but thankfully, most of them seem to have fairly good personalities. It was too loud and crowded for anyone to have much extended interaction with the dancers on a Friday evening, but that's not the fault of the dancers.  My only real complaint is that the girl that I mentioned above spent two entire songs trying to convince me to get a bj, and didn't seem too happy that I was shooting her down.  Not that I'm such a stud that girls just beg to blow me (well that too), but I think she started to suspect that I might be a cop and figured her only hope of not getting arrested was to convince me to go through with it.   

Value (5.5/10) – There's no cover, dances are $20, and beers are $4 each. Everything here is a decent value, but it doesn't have the bargain basement type prices that I would have expected from such a dump. I was quoted $80 for other services, but I didn't try to negotiate that and I'm sure it varies from girl to girl among those who do that stuff.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The dance area is in the back of the club off to the left hand side when you walk in.  There's a moveable wooden privacy wall that encloses a single couch in the area, so you have more than enough privacy to do as much as you and the girl are willing to do.  I wouldn't want to see the couch under a blacklight, but it actually is fairly comfortable if you can ignore the fact that some dude probably just had his bare ass on it. 

Club Setup (1/10) – This is a small club with a long but very cramped bar and a tiny stage. If you spend a few hundred bucks to add a bar to your living room, you could probably create as good of a setup for a strip club as you'll find in this place. 

Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – This is the first time that I've ever left a club before getting a dance out of fear for my car and my life. They do pat down customers, but it seems like something bad will happen here. Also, it was very smoky in here, which is less than ideal if you're a non-smoker and have to explain your smokiness to anyone.  The atmosphere actually wasn't too bad on a Sunday afternoon, but the fact that I felt the need to go on a Sunday afternoon for safety reasons should tell you all that you need to know about this place.

Club Accessibility (0/5) – This club is in a run down residential neighborhood in east Bridgeport, and since there's no parking lot, you have to find parking on the side streets. While I was there, there where homeless people wandering around checking out the cars, but at least the club does have security cameras pointing outwards and shows the video in the club so you can try to keep an eye on your car.

Overall – Unless you're looking for a whorehouse, that's no reason to go to Bishop's Corner.  Honestly, even if I was looking for a whorehouse, it just wouldn't be worth the risk to my safety to spend much time here.   Strip clubs generally aren't the safest places in the world, but there are only a few clubs where I really get the feeling that it's only a matter of time until something really bad happens, and this is one of them.  Stay safe out there.