Sunday, July 18, 2010

Pussy Corps (Montreal, QC)

This is not a strip club, so I'm going to skip the usual format for this one. In case you're wondering why I'm reviewing a place that isn't a strip club, there are 3 reasons:

1. When you're hammered out of your mind and are trying to stumble to Circus at 4am, you'll think it's a strip club, and you'll be tempted to go inside.

2. People are not subtle in their internet searches, and having "pussy" written as many times as possible can't hurt my hit count.
Pussy pussy pussy.

3. I don't need to justify my decision to review a place called "Pussy Corps." It could be a feline grooming service, and I'd still find an excuse to write a review.

With that out of the way, this place is horrible. I walked up the steps into a dimly lit room that looked like it should be a horrible strip club, but the guy at the top of the steps explained to me that I had to pay $60 to chose a girl, then I could go into the private room with her to negotiate further activities. Even in my near blackout state, dropping 6 Cafe Cleopatra lap dances just to chose a girl for who-knows-what seemed like a bad idea, so I convinced him to let me talk to the girls before spending any cash.

Once I saw the girls though, I didn't really care what the options were, because there's nothing that they could have done that would have made up for the way they looked. There were only two to chose from, one of whom was suspiciously thin to the point that it was disturbing, and the other of whom was a pretty face away from being a Plumpers model.

Then things went downhill. The last option disturbed me to the point that I tried to block the whole menu out of my mind, but I'm pretty sure that this is how it went (all prices are in addition to the $60 room fee):
$30 - "I'll dance for you." By way of comparison, for that amount of cash, you could get a bj from one of the streetwalkers that you pass on your way here (not recommended) and have money left over to buy 2 or 3 Cafe Cleopatra dances (highly recommended).
$40 - "I'll dance for you and you can touch me." I guess that means the $90 dance is no contact.
$50 - "I'll dance for you and I'll stick something in my pussy."
$60 - "I'll dance for you and I'll stick something in my pussy and I'll stick something in my ass. You can touch yourself if you want."

The only thing that I wanted at that point was to get the hell out of there, so that's exactly what I did. No money was spent, but time was wasted, and Montreal is a city where I try to make the best use of every second that I've got. The bottom line is that, unless your thing is jerking off while watching a disgusting woman shove stuff up her ass, steer clear of Pussy Corps.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Kahoots East Hartford (East Hartford, CT)

According to the Hartford Courant, a town ordinance requires Kahoots to stop offering lap dances and, to be extra sure that there will be no contact between dancers and customers, requires that customers who wish to give tips put their bills in a tip jar. I've been to the club several times since reading the article and haven't noticed tip jars and have still had contact dances, so I'm not entirely sure what's going on. They may still be appealing the ordinance or maybe they're just ignoring it under the assumption that they might as well shut down anyway if they follow the new rules. Just to be safe, I'd recommend that you call the club to make sure that they still offer lap dances if you're going to go far out of your way to get here, though I wouldn't really recommend that you do that in either case.

Quality of Dances (12/20) - The girls grab onto the handles on the sides of booths and use them to slide back and forth to give an excellent grind. Most of the girls don't necessarily encourage you to touch them, but it does at least seem to be tolerated. Still, there's something very mechanical about these dances that makes them less enjoyable than they should be, though that may just be my perception based on the raised expectations that come with a $30 dance. I didn't get any offers for extras, but this certainly seems like the type of place where they could be available for frequent visitors.

Quality of Dancers (4/10) - You really never know what you're going to find in this place. You might find some real talent, or you might find a few meth addicts and a few girls who probably spent their careers at the Blue or the Gold Club but decided to strip here once they'd reached retirement age. On their best day, they'd probably get a 6, but on their worst day, it would be more like a 2.5. I'll split the difference and round it down since they seem to have more bad days than good ones.

Variety (2/5) - There's some variation of body types and a mix of white and Latina dancers, but I'd like to see some other races represented and a little more talent among the Latinas. Actually, now that I think about it, the Blue is more fun than this place, so maybe it's a good thing that not many of the hot Latin ladies in the area are wasting their time here.

Number (3.5/10) - I've usually found about a half dozen women working whether the place is packed or empty. Since this place is usually busier in the evenings than it deserves to be, that means the ratio isn't usually all that great. Unfortunately, the talent level doesn't seem to be as good when they're less busy, so you'll have to pick your poison.

Attitude (3/10) - Some of the girls here are friendly, but for the most part, they seem to have a little more of a street edge to them than in the other central Connecticut clubs. It isn't that they're rude, but they don't waste too much effort trying to establish the illusion that they want anything other than money.

Value (2/10) - The $5 cover from 6pm until midnight (then free), the $3-4 beers and the stage value are all acceptable. The $30 lap dances are not.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) - The dances are given in two rows of booths near the bar. Nothing covers the entrance to the booths, but a curtain separates the two rows of booths and the the angle prevents most people from seeing what you're up to, especially if you're in one of the two booths in the back. The dance setup isn't perfect, but it's about as good as I've found in Connecticut.

Club Setup (3.5/10) - There's a decent bar and a decent stage, but you can barely see the stage from the bar area. They do have some flatscreen TVs on the walls, but you should at least have a choice between watching TV and looking at topless ladies if you're having a drink at a strip club, and the setup here prevents that. The small booths that surround the stage are nice for small groups and solo visitors, but they wouldn't really work for big crowds.

Atmosphere (5/10) - The setup prevents this from being a great place for big groups, but the crowd is usually relatively friendly and it isn't bad for small groups.

Accessibility (3.5/5) - Kahoots isn't far from downtown Hartford, but it's far enough away that you'll be forced to drive to get here. There is plenty of parking though, and this place isn't good enough to justify spending enough time to get drunk anyway.

Overall - The place varies wildly from one visit to the next, but even on its best day, it can't compete with some of the better clubs in the area. If they lower the dance prices, I'll visit more often, but if they stop offering lap dances, they're dead to us. Until either of those two things happens, I'll probably continue to make infrequent visits to grab a beer and check out the talent, leaving disappointed more often than not.