Mardi Gras Club (Springfield, MA)

Quality of dances (9/20) – The communal dance room prevents anyone from being too free with the two-way contact, but most of the girls are fine with customers touching theirs legs and asses during the dances, and almost all of the girls give a solid grind. The dances are fully nude, but it takes most of the first song for the clothes to come off. I did witness one girl really getting after it with a customer, but other dancers promptly ratted her out because she was removing the incentive for people to spend big cash in the VIP room. The girls imply that you'll be satisfied in the VIP area upstairs, but I've never confirmed that.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – A lot of the girls have nice faces and decent bodies, but shitty boob jobs ruin at least half the girls in the place. The percentage of fake tits is so high that I used to assume that management demanded that everyone get work done, but the same guy runs the largely silicone-free Anthony's in South Hadley, so I have no idea what's going on. It really is a shame though. I'll take nice perky Bs or even flapjacks over implants anyday.

Number of dancers (6/10) – There seem to be about 15 dancers whether the club is busy or not, but there are often so many guys in the place that it still isn’t enough for you to get much one-on-one attention.  Still, there are always several girls on stage at a time, so you'll have plenty to look at to keep yourself entertained while you wait.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – You’ll find plenty of black, white and Latina girls, and plenty of thick and thin girls here. What you won’t find is more than a few sets of real tits.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – The girls are generally good about counting dances and don't hustle too much, but they just don’t look like they’re enjoying being on stage. Of course, the stage is a death-trap, so I can’t really blame them too much for that.

Value (4/10) – Drinks are reasonable and dances are $25, but the cover can be up to $10 in the evenings and you may have to pay $5 to park in the lot if you don't want to park on the street. Lot parking is free at times, but I'm not sure of the exact schedule.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There’s a large, open, brightly lit room where everyone gets dances. The only reasons that I gave them half a point are that people at the bar can't see you and there are dividers along the benches, so at least you aren’t bumping knees with other dudes.

Club Setup (6.5/10) – Mardi Gras is huge and the New Orleans theme runs throughout the club. I took off a few points because of a lack of large tables, but overall, I really liked their unique design. The bar takes up most of the main room, and the stage is inside the bar, but it comes right up to some of the chairs and within about a foot of the others. There are trenches all through the stage where the bar tenders walk to give you your drinks, and it's hard to blame the dancers for being afraid that they’ll fall off while drunk. To get onto the stage, the girls have to climb up a little ladder like you use to get out of a swimming pool. The design may be the least practical I've ever seen, but it does allow for some great views of the fully nude action. Almost everyone sits at the bar, but there is also a large open room with a few pool tables off to the side and there's an area in the back that's setup more like a restaurant, and it's a decent option if you don't like sitting stage-side.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – This is one of the few Massachusetts clubs that I wouldn’t mind staying at for a few hours. The music’s good, the drinks are reasonable, the girls don’t pester you too much for dances, and the stage always has at least 3 girls on it. There was a murder here in early ’09, but that seems to have been an anomaly, as the crowd seems perfectly safe now.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – The club is right in downtown Springfield, which is really only a good thing if you live there. There are a few hotels nearby, but I don't think that Mardi Gras is quite good enough to justify making a visit an overnight trip.

Overall – If you aren't interested in getting a VIP dance, Mardi Gras is pretty good club by Massachusetts standards. If you're willing to drop some cash, it's quite possibly even better.

TOTAL SCORE = 50.5

Follies (Atlanta, GA)

Quality of Dances (13/20) – These are the best table dances in Atlanta, with a decent grind and hands on the hips ok with just about everyone.  Full 2-way contact is rare during the table dances, but that's more because of the out-in-the-open setup than it is because of the girls.  I usually refuse to do VIP rooms, but if you find a girl who provides a good table dance here, VIP dances can be well worth your while and aren't actually all that expensive.  At $142 dollars for a half hour, that works out to under $15 per three minute song, and full two way contact is not only tolerated, but encouraged.  I'd have given them a 9/20 for the tables dances or a 17/20 for the reasonably priced VIP, so I'll just split the difference and give them a 13.  Either way though, you should shouldn't have any major complaints about the dances at Follies.

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – These ladies aren't bad whenever you arrive, but I've been decidedly more impressed with the ladies that I've seen during the day shift.  There seem to always be a few really hot girls, a few not so hot girls, and the rest of the ladies are fairly attractive but not stunningly so.  It's just that the percentage of hot girls is much higher during the day, and at night, the hottest girls are more likely to get snatched up by some of the other couple hundred customers in the place before you even get a chance to see them.

Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – There are usually more dancers than customers at Follies during the day.  Things are less impressive at night, though, because the number of girls goes way up as the evening goes on, but the number of customers goes up even more drastically.  On a Friday or Saturday night, you're going to be waiting for a while to get a girl for some dances unless you're willing to settle for whoever happens to approach first.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3.5/5) - You should be able to find something for every member of your group here.  Even though the majority of these girls are white, Follies manages to have a more racially diverse workforce than all but a few of the other Atlanta clubs.  There are usually several black dancers working, I've gotten dances from Asians of varying thicknesses, and I've even seen the occasional Latina.

Attitude of Dancers (8/10) – I've been really impressed by the girls that I've talked to during each of my visits to Follies.  They're just really friendly and seem to enjoy their jobs.  On one visit, I arrived after just eating an unhealthy amount of steak at the Brazilian barbecue, so I told the dancers that I wouldn't be getting any dances for quite some time.  Rather than move on to other customers or retreat to the dressing room, they just sat around and shot the shit for a solid hour, and these were two of the hottest girls in the club.  The less attractive girls make even more of an effort.

Value (8/10) – There's no cover during the day, but at night, they've got mandatory valet parking and the standard Atlanta prices: $10 cover, $10 table dances, $5 beers and decent nude stage action.  The dances really make the value though, and you can't beat a half hour in the VIP room with the right girl for $142.  Why $142 instead of a round number?  I have no idea, but most of the girls won't sweat the extra two bucks.

Dance Setup (0/10) – The table dances are right out in the open, which is bad if you're at one of the tall tables against the wall, terrible if you're at one of the regular tables, and unacceptable if you're stuck standing.  The VIP setup is much better though, with 4 comfortable couches in a fairly dark room off the back side of the club and a few private rooms off to the side.  There're no doors on the private rooms, but no one seems to care too much about what you're up to.

Club Setup (4/10) – This is a medium sized club with a large bar in the center of the room, a strange narrow stage that snakes its way across the club, and a decent number of tables that provide plenty of seating during the day.  The seats aren't sufficient during the evening and the tall tables against the walls go quickly even during the day, but they are fairly limited in what they can do due to the size constraints.  Overall, the setup is acceptable, but just barely.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – Early in the day, Follies is good for grabbing a beer by yourself or with a buddy or two, and, in the evening, it's a good place for pounding some Yuenglings and letting loose. It doesn't quite have the bachelor party type of feel like Oasis, so I'd probably skip it for something like that, but I really like the vibe overall. The crowd get considerably sketchier in the wee hours of the morning, though, and the weed smoke starts blowing, so more conservative gentlemen may feel a little out of place.  I have never felt uncomfortable there, but clean cut white guys are definitely in the minority after about 10pm.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – Follies isn't terribly convenient to get to from downtown since it's in the northeast all the way out toward I-285, but it's reasonably close to Oasis and can be reached in a cab from the Turner Field area for under $30.  Better yet, since days are the best time to go anyway, just drive there and park in their free (during the day) lot.  

Overall – Follies is my favorite strip club in Atlanta, and if you're interested in quality dances, it will probably be your favorite club too.  The girls aren't as hot as at The Cheetah, the Pink Pony or even Oasis, and it certainly isn't somewhere that you're going to try to wine and dine a client like you might at The Cheetah, but it's hard to imagine having a better time at a club in this city.  There's a reason why my number of visits to this club exceeds my number of visits to Atlanta, and, even if I make more trips to this city, it will most likely stay that way.

RAW SCORE = 57.5

Show N Tel (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (15/20) – The lap dances at Show & Tel are pretty good.  You’re assured to get a reasonably aggressive grind and two-way contact is encouraged during the regular dances, but things are a little more unique during the private shows.  Some girls implied that extras were available, but given the fact that the private rooms have cameras and are brightly lit, it seems like it would be a poor idea to try to get those services.  Knowing that I could be filmed was enough to dissuade me from even the standard private dance options.  I don’t remember exactly what all of the choices were, but the “bump and grind show” was the most unusual.  Basically, you and the girl both strip down to your underwear, you put on a condom, and you grind on each other until you come.  That would have probably sounded much cooler when I was a teenager, but it doesn’t have much appeal to my adult self.  Either way, I’m not one to complain about options.

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – I’ve always found at least one or two true beauties working at Show & Tel, but I’ve also always found a few ladies who would rate closer to a 1 or a 2 on a 10 point scale, so saying that quality control is low is an understatement.  Still, there are plenty of midrange girls and have always been a sufficient number of attractive ladies to allow me to get some dances during my weekend visits.  I haven’t been there during the week, so it’s possible that things are rougher during the slow nights, but overall, the workforce seems to be adequate but unspectacular. 

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They usually have two girls dancing on the over-21 stage and one girl dancing on the under-21 stage at all times, and several more girls will be working the crowd.  The place can get so packed that it can be difficult to get a girl for a dance, but you should be able to if you either lower your standards or don’t mind waiting for one of the attractive dancers. 

Variety of Dancers (4/5) – There’s a nice mix of implants and natural tits and thick and thin dancers, and there’s sufficient racial diversity as long as you aren’t set on finding any ebony beauties.  They do have some black dancers, but they’ve mostly been a little sloppy.  I have seen at least a few attractive white, Asian, Indian and Latina dancers working though.

Attitudes (4/10) – A lot of the Philly clubs have the dreaded tip walk, but it’s minimal here and the girls really work to make the dollar toss fun by setting up targets for you to aim for (cups, paper football style finger goal posts, and even spread lips (even though it was invited, I just could bring myself to try to toss a dirty dollar bill in there – the 18 year olds seemed to love that though)).  Unfortunately, the interaction away from the stage is adequate at best, with a lot of girls not interacting much with customers, and others seeming a little strung out. 

Value (6.5/10) – The $20 weekend cover is pretty rough and regular dances are overpriced at $30 each ($25 during the week), but the stage value is solid, $80 for private shows is a bargain, and you can save a ton of money on beer if you’re planning to drink a lot.  Normal beers are $4 each, but you can also bring your own cases of beer if you plan ahead.  BYOB places can be frustrating if you’re just passing through the area since you won’t be prepared with your own beer, but the combo of a place that serves beer and liquor while allowing you to bring your own beer is amazing, and explains the high cover.  

Club Setup (3.5/10) – This place looks like a warehouse from the outside, but it’s actually moderately sized on the inside.  There’s an under-21 side to the left and the main area is off to the right, but you can go back and forth between the two if you have the right color wristband.  The youngster side is smaller, but they’re similar, with large bars that surround internal stages that are several feet away from customers, requiring the aforementioned dollar toss.  Most people sit at the bar, but there are also a few tables and an area to stand around and drink your cases of beer in the main area of the club.  They do have several medium sized TVs around the room, but there aren’t any big screens, so it probably wouldn’t be my choice if you’re looking for somewhere to watch a game.  The whole place feels a little worn, possibly because it’s so bright that you see all of its flaws, but it isn’t so bad as to really detract from your enjoyment.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There are lots of handles on the booths to allow the girls to maneuver and a partial wall will block the view of your lower body from most of the club patrons, but you’re right out in the open from the chest up, and, worst of all, they’re got some of the least comfortable lap dance seats I’ve experienced.  They’re small and wooden and basically feel like the shittiest park benches ever.  

Atmosphere (2/10) – BYOB means that you can make your own atmosphere to a certain extent, and that’s a good thing, because this place is jackass central.  The mix of early 20s meatheads who treat the girls like shit, 18 year olds who don’t know any better, and creepy old guys who are hoping to cum in their underwear adds up to a place that I don’t really enjoy hanging out, and that’s all before the rough crowd shows up when it gets late.

Location (3/5) – Show & Tel is a short walk down Columbus Boulevard from Club Risque, but it isn’t easily walkable from most places that you’d be in Philadelphia.  It’s probably about a $10 cab ride from Center City or the stadiums.  Just make sure that they’re open before you go out of your way to go there, because they keep some moronic hours.  I tried to go one town after a Phillies game ended at 7pm, but they didn’t open until 8:30. 

Overall – More than good or bad, Show & Tel is strange.  Strip club newbies will enjoy it, but I’d guess that even veteran strip club goers would be split between loving and hating it. If you want to drink on the cheap with a group of guys or come in by yourself for a little bump and grind or a mutual masturbation show, you’ll probably have a good time, but it you’re looking to do anything other than that, I’d go elsewhere.

RAW SCORE = 50