Kahoots East Hartford (East Hartford, CT)

According to the Hartford Courant, a town ordinance requires Kahoots to stop offering lap dances and, to be extra sure that there will be no contact between dancers and customers, requires that customers who wish to give tips put their bills in a tip jar. I've been to the club several times since reading the article and haven't noticed tip jars and have still had contact dances, so I'm not entirely sure what's going on. They may still be appealing the ordinance or maybe they're just ignoring it under the assumption that they might as well shut down anyway if they follow the new rules. Just to be safe, I'd recommend that you call the club to make sure that they still offer lap dances if you're going to go far out of your way to get here, though I wouldn't really recommend that you do that in either case.

Quality of Dances (12/20) - The girls grab onto the handles on the sides of booths and use them to slide back and forth to give an excellent grind. Most of the girls don't necessarily encourage you to touch them, but it does at least seem to be tolerated. Still, there's something very mechanical about these dances that makes them less enjoyable than they should be, though that may just be my perception based on the raised expectations that come with a $30 dance. I didn't get any offers for extras, but this certainly seems like the type of place where they could be available for frequent visitors.

Quality of Dancers (4/10) - You really never know what you're going to find in this place. You might find some real talent, or you might find a few meth addicts and a few girls who probably spent their careers at the Blue or the Gold Club but decided to strip here once they'd reached retirement age. On their best day, they'd probably get a 6, but on their worst day, it would be more like a 2.5. I'll split the difference and round it down since they seem to have more bad days than good ones.

Variety (2/5) - There's some variation of body types and a mix of white and Latina dancers, but I'd like to see some other races represented and a little more talent among the Latinas. Actually, now that I think about it, the Blue is more fun than this place, so maybe it's a good thing that not many of the hot Latin ladies in the area are wasting their time here.

Number (3.5/10) - I've usually found about a half dozen women working whether the place is packed or empty. Since this place is usually busier in the evenings than it deserves to be, that means the ratio isn't usually all that great. Unfortunately, the talent level doesn't seem to be as good when they're less busy, so you'll have to pick your poison.

Attitude (3/10) - Some of the girls here are friendly, but for the most part, they seem to have a little more of a street edge to them than in the other central Connecticut clubs. It isn't that they're rude, but they don't waste too much effort trying to establish the illusion that they want anything other than money.

Value (2/10) - The $5 cover from 6pm until midnight (then free), the $3-4 beers and the stage value are all acceptable. The $30 lap dances are not.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) - The dances are given in two rows of booths near the bar. Nothing covers the entrance to the booths, but a curtain separates the two rows of booths and the the angle prevents most people from seeing what you're up to, especially if you're in one of the two booths in the back. The dance setup isn't perfect, but it's about as good as I've found in Connecticut.

Club Setup (3.5/10) - There's a decent bar and a decent stage, but you can barely see the stage from the bar area. They do have some flatscreen TVs on the walls, but you should at least have a choice between watching TV and looking at topless ladies if you're having a drink at a strip club, and the setup here prevents that. The small booths that surround the stage are nice for small groups and solo visitors, but they wouldn't really work for big crowds.

Atmosphere (5/10) - The setup prevents this from being a great place for big groups, but the crowd is usually relatively friendly and it isn't bad for small groups.

Accessibility (3.5/5) - Kahoots isn't far from downtown Hartford, but it's far enough away that you'll be forced to drive to get here. There is plenty of parking though, and this place isn't good enough to justify spending enough time to get drunk anyway.

Overall - The place varies wildly from one visit to the next, but even on its best day, it can't compete with some of the better clubs in the area. If they lower the dance prices, I'll visit more often, but if they stop offering lap dances, they're dead to us. Until either of those two things happens, I'll probably continue to make infrequent visits to grab a beer and check out the talent, leaving disappointed more often than not.

TOTAL SCORE = 45