Mr. Happy's (Waterbury, CT)

Quality of dances (9/20) – You aren't going to get away with much more than a hand on the girl's leg, but most of the girls have the skill and the willingness to give some decent knee grind action. The dances aren't good enough to justify coming here, but they're not so bad that they should keep you away if it otherwise sounds like your kind of place.

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – The ladies here are generally not Connecticut's finest, but the quality has gone up significantly over the past few years.  You aren't going to find many girls who would rate as an 8 or above, but there are plenty of girls in the 5-7 range.

Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – There usually seems to be a decent dancer-to-customer ratio, but that's more due to the lack of customers than it is to anything else. During my most recent visit on a Friday night, I only saw six dancers, and at least two of them were in the dressing room at all times.  That wouldn't be so bad, but the fact that they only have one girl on stage at a time combined with the unusually long stage sets means that you'll quickly tire of whatever girls they do have.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – You're going to find a mix of white, black and Brazilian girls at Mr. Happy's.  The white girls mostly are the tattooed, hard rock types, but there's enough variety to satisfy most tastes.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – Other than some dancers complaining about a lack of tips, the big problem here is that this is very much a locals place, so you're not going to get a whole lot of attention if you're an outsider.  The ladies are relatively friendly if you do manage to get their attention, but good luck with that.

Value (5/10) – There's a $7 cover on weekend nights, beers are $5, and the stage action is above average, with most girls displaying a mix of floor work and pole moves.  Unfortunately, the $25 dances aren't worth nearly that much.

Dance Setup (1/10) – There's a small elevated area in one corner of the club for dances, but there's nothing to keep everyone in the place from watching you. If you're unlucky enough to be getting a dance at the same time as someone else, you'll be very close to them with no barriers at all.

Club Setup (3/10) – The club setup isn't great, but it has improved drastically over the past few years. They have a very large nice stage in the center of the room, a decent bar along the one wall, and about a half dozen small tables around the club.  It's a small place, so you'll have a good view of the stage no matter where you are, but since the vast majority of the seats are at the stage, that may be where you have to sit there if it's busy.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Mr. Happy's is a dive bar type of club where you'll find a very mixed crowd and hear some very mixed music.  I heard everything from hard rock/metal to top 40 R&B, and you'll see guys in the crowd who seem to go along with each of those types of music.  Overall, though, the crowd is decent, and I've never felt threatened.  It's certainly a less intimidating crowd than you'd find down the street at Peek-a-Boos.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Mr. Happy's isn't far from the interstate or downtown Waterbury, but I don't think you'd be able to find lodging anywhere near here.

Overall – Mr. Happy's is much better than it was a few years ago, a lot of people seem to like it, and it's unquestionably the best club in Waterbury, but it's still a below average club that isn't worth going out of your way for.

TOTAL SCORE = 38

Keystone Cafe (Bridgeport, CT)

The Keystone Cafe (also known as Shaker's) was the temporary home to many of the Pleasant Moments girls for much of 2011, but now that Pleasant Moments is open again, the Keystone Cafe has gone downhill drastically.  

Quality of Dances (15/20) - You'll get full two-way contact and plenty of grinding during these lapdances, but if you're looking for more than a dance, it's no longer available since they've shut down the private rooms.  Several girls initiated discussions about meeting outside the club for a relatively small fee and I wouldn't be surprised if they reopen the private rooms eventually, but I won't be re-visiting this club any time soon to find out.  The bottom line is that, even though the dances are decent, the girls are so unattractive that you shouldn't bother with them whether or not you can find girls who are willing to do more than that.  

Quality of Dancers (0/10) – I don't think I've ever given a club a goose egg for dancer quality, but when I'm wishing that the girls were giving airdances just because I'd rather that they not touch me, that's a bad sign.  I haven't seen a single girl that I'd rate above a 3 since Pleasant Moments reopened.  

Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Even without many customers, it's unacceptable to only have one dancer working, as they did during one of my recent visits.  And when they do have more dancers, it still doesn't help matters too much since none of them are attractive.  

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – The was a decent mix of black and Latina dancers here when Pleasant Moments was temporarily closed, but most of the Latinas have migrated back there now that it's reopened, so this is almost exclusively a black club now.  When it's done right (as it is in Atlanta), I love black clubs, but this one certainly isn't done right.  

Attitudes (4/10) – A lot of these ladies are desperate, so they'll act really friendly for a while, but they don't take "no" for an answer once they start the sales pitch.  I've ended up feeling bad for them and buying pity dances, but you'd be better off avoiding the situation altogether by not coming to the Keystone Cafe.   

Value (8.5/10) – There's no cover, bottles of Heineken are only $2.75 and dances are a solid value at $20 each.  There's usually no stage show, but I can overlook that since beers are no more expensive than they'd be at a regular bar.  

Club Setup (1/10) – This place is a dump. The bar takes up most of the main room, leaving little room for a stage in the back.  There’s a much larger stage is a spacious second room that I assume is used when they’re busy, but I've never seen anyone over there.

Dance Setup (5.5/10) – The barely converted bathroom that was being used as a private lap dance room is no longer in use, so you now get lap dances in a small curtained off area in a brightly lit corner of the club.  There are two chairs and a couch in there, so you'll have no privacy if there's more than one person getting dances at a time, but that usually won't be the case. so you should be alone.    

Atmosphere (0/10) – If the girls don’t feed the jukebox, the music doesn’t play, so you might end up awkwardly sitting around watching whatever weird TV show the bouncer feels like putting on.  It actually doesn’t seem too dangerous by Bridgeport standards, but you'll probably get some suspicious looks from the regulars upon arrival and I can’t imagine ever wanting to hang out here, especially late at night.

Location (0.5/5) – The Keystone Cafe is in downtown Bridgeport, but you’re on full display to a busy street when you walk in the door and I was less than confident that my car would be waiting for me when I left.

Overall – The Keystone Cafe aka Shaker’s is a shitty club that you shouldn’t even consider visiting.  While their private room was open and Pleasant Moments was closed, it was maybe worth a considering if you were looking discounted brothel services in a strip club setting, but it's not even an option for that anymore.  I can't imagine that this place will stay in business for long because they really have nothing to offer at this point.   

RAW SCORE = 37

Centerfolds (Berlin, CT)

Quality of Dances (14/20) – There's some variation from girl to girl, but you'll almost always get at least a solid grind and some skilled knee action, and most of the girls allow varying degrees of 2-way contact. Several of the girls will position their boobs on your face and it isn't uncommon for them to encourage you to take a handfull. Some of the girls give some over-the-pants hand action, and though extras are not available, there are girls who will gladly do everything in their power to leave the customer feeling satisfied.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – The girls here are fairly attractive overall. I've seen a few older ladies once or twice each, but the regular dancers are almost all in their 20's or early 30's and look good. The majority of ladies are all natural and even most of the enhanced ladies have fairly convincing boob jobs.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – I've found a solid dancer-to-customer ratio during off-peak hours, but that's been more due to a lack of customers than it has been due to an abundance of dancers.  The ratio goes down when it gets busier, but there are still usually plenty of ladies to prevent anyone from waiting too long for some attention. And even when they have plenty of girls working, they almost always only have one girl working the stage at a time.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3.5/5) – Centerfolds has mostly white dancers with a fair number of Puerto Ricans and Brazilians and the occasional Asian mixed in.  There are unfortunately almost never any black ladies, but there's enough other variety to prevent that from being too big of a problem.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – The girls here are very friendly and good to talk to, and they all seem to be genuinely grateful for tips. Some of the girls can get a little clingy if you visit often (especially one of the Russians), but my biggest complaint is that a lot of the girls focus on the regulars at the expense of visitors.  Still, that isn't usually a major problem unless they're busy.

Value (6/10) – The $5-8 cover and $5.25 bottled beers are about average, and the topless stage action is adequate, though nothing special. Lap dances are the standard $20, but at least here they're good enough that you feel like you're getting something for your money. Even when the girls make real efforts to get the job done, I haven't found any of them requesting any extra cash.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – Dances are given in a bright area in the back of the club where several fairly uncomfortable chairs are lined up next to each other. There are no dividers between most of the chairs and people could see you from the stage, but you're at least somewhat obscured from the bar and the bouncers rarely check up on you.  The two slightly better seats in the back right corner go quickly, so you may want to wait until one is available before requesting a dance.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – This is a fairly nice club with a large bar and a fairly large stage, but it's way too bright and there aren't any tables to sit at.  There's a second stage between the bar and the dance area, but it's never in use, even when the club is packed.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – Centerfolds is a decent place to hang out for a while and have a few beers, and the fact that most of the bartendresses look and dress like dancers doesn't hurt the situation at all. Having tables would make it much better for groups, but it's still easy to have a good time here.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – Centerfolds is along a fairly empty stretch of the Berlin Turnpike south of New Britain. It about halfway between Hartford and New Haven, so you don't have any choice but to drive to get here. My biggest problem with the location is that there's really no discreet way to get inside the club. You can park your car behind the building, but you'll have to walk in the well lit entrance that's in clear view of anyone who happens to be driving by on the Berlin Turnpike.

Overall - Centerfolds isn't great at anything, but it's an all-around solid club that's near the top of my Connecticut rotation.  The only other club within 20 minutes of here that's worth considering is the Key Club in New Haven, but I definitely like Centerfolds more.  The dances are comparable, but the girls are hotter here and the overall vibe is a lot better.

TOTAL SCORE = 53

Harry O's (Stamford, CT)

Quality of Dances (19/20) – The dances at Harry O's are among the best that I've ever received.  I was careful to tell every approaching lady that I just wanted a regular dance because there's no surer way for a relatively young white guy to draw suspicion at an urban club than to wait for a girl to offer extra services before shooting her down, but I got the feeling that my sense of decency was the only thing holding the action in check.  I especially appreciate that most of these ladies have the skill and put in the effort to make things fun even if you're opting for less than the full range of services.  My favorite thing about these dances, though, is the way that the ladies deal with the partial song that's playing before your song starts.  You stand with your back to a wall outside of the lap dance area and the dancer backs up in front of you, then alternates between a standing grind and some over the pants hand action to get your full attention before the real dance starts

Quality of Dancers (3.5/10) – It's rare to find a club with more variable dancer quality than at Harry O's.  During my first visit (afternoon), most of the crew was made up of bronze skinned beauties.  During my second visit (night), it was mostly overweight streetwalker types.  During my third visit, it started with a decent mix, but the percentage of nasties went up as the night went on.  Most of the girls make their money then leave, so the earlier the better if you're hoping to find a girl that anyone else would want to spend money on.  

Number of Dancers (4/10) – They've averaged about a half dozen dancers during my visits, with a little more than that in the afternoon and a little less at night.  The ratio isn't always great because the place can get packed with customers, but most of them aren't spending money, so it can be easy to get a girl's attention by tipping a few bucks at the stage.  And when I say "a few," I mean a very few.  For five bucks, you can be a god.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Despite the name and the clover on the wall, Harry O's is not an Irish establishment.  They've got Latinas and black girls and more than enough size variation for most men's tastes, but you're shit out of out of luck if you're looking for white meat.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – The pre-dance fluffing is enough to win me over, but even discounting that, these ladies are exceptionally friendly.  I don't know how they put up with guys randomly smacking their asses as they walk by without losing their cool, but somehow they do it.  My only real complaint is that the constant questions about whether I'm a cop can get old, but the fact that they're asking means that they're up for a party, so I won't complain to much.

Value (3.5/10) – $2.50 happy hour domestics are solid, but $6 beers the rest of the time and $25 dances are steep for a dive like this.  The stage value is solid, though, with girls putting on a nice show and being particularly appreciative if you don't think that your buck entitles you to slip in a finger.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – This isn't the worst dance setup that I've seen, but it's by far the worst that I've seen in a place where the girls give "dances" like this.  There're just four shitty chairs facing each other in a small, brightly lit room where you can't help but see what everyone else is up to.  The people in the main room can't see you, but there's a mirror positioned so that the bouncer can keep an eye on things.  You'd have to be completely shameless to try to go beyond a regular dance, but from what I've caught in my peripheral vision, there's no shortage of shameless guys in this place.

Club Setup (1/10) – Harry O's is a shithole.  It smells bad, it's falling apart, and I'm dry heaving just thinking about the red mystery substance that was all over the toilet seat during one of my visits.  Why did I even go into the bathroom stall in a place like this you ask?  Well, I was going to the urinal, but there's no stall here - just a shitter and a urinal in a room that can't be locked.

As for the rest of the place, it's a small club with a long bar, a pool table in the back and a medium sized horseshoe shaped stage in the main area.  The bar fills up quickly and you'll probably think the stage seats are filled when you see guys standing three deep at the front of the stage, but they're just cheap bastards who avoid tipping by not going directly to the rail.  So, as long as you're willing to drop a buck or two per song, a seat should always be waiting for you.  

Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – If you're ever found yourself sitting at King Arthur's in Chelsea thinking, this place is a little too upscale for my tastes," then Harry O's is the joint for you.  The crowd is rough and you'll draw lots of unwanted attention if English is your first language, but here's all that you really need to know: I was checked for a wire.  I'm not talking about a I-think-they-were-feeling-for-a-wire-during-that-pat-down situation either.  I'm talking about after the pat down when the bouncer made me lift my shirt and spin around.  So, yeah.  Shadiest. Club. Ever.

Club Accessibility (0/5) – It isn't far from downtown Stamford, but I have to give them a goose egg based on the parking situation.  You're going to want to park in their lot since this isn't a great neighborhood, but the lot is comically undersized, so cars park 3 or 4 deep.  That means that every five minutes or so, the bouncer announces something like, "black Nissan, ya gotta move.  Black Nissan, ya gotta move!"  So if you're in the back, you'll have to go out to the lot to let other people leave, and if you're in the front, you'll have to rely on other people to let you out.

Overall – If you're willing to risk the possibility that there won't be an attractive lady in the house and you value quality lap dances more than you value your safety, give it a chance for a daytime visit.  If not, Harry O's isn't the place for you.

RAW SCORE = 39.5

Ruby's II (Bridgeport, CT)

Quality of Dances (13/20) - The dances are nude and the girls make decent contact with you and most of them are fine with varying degrees of 2 way contact. There are big signs all over the club saying "No physical contact with the dancers," so you probably shouldn't assume that it's okay to grab a handful of titty, but I haven't found a girl here who seemed to mind when my hands slowly moved in that general direction. Some of these girls indicate that they'll get the job done if you stick around for several songs, but I've never gotten a dance from a girl hot enough to tempt me to take them up on those offers.

Quality of Dancers (4.5/10) - A lot of these ladies are on the older side, and you really won't find many stunning dancers here, but the majority of white girls are fairly attractive in a girl-next-door sort of way. Many of the Latinas are a little more sloppy, but they're still Latinas, so you know I won't complain too much.

Number of Dancers (4/10) - There are a decent number of girls here during peak hours on peak days, but any time other than that and it can be a little sparse. By closing time on weekends, it's really thinned out. I can understand that at clubs that close at 3 am, but there's really no excuse for girls to leave early when the club closes at 1. And early in the week, it's pretty bad regardless of what time you go.

Variety/Diversity of dDancers (3/5) - You'll find plenty of white girls and Brazilians, but there's a surprising lack of black dancers given the location.

Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) - The girls should be more interested in getting people to get dances, but they were all friendly once I got their attention and I've never seen women look so appreciative for even small tips. You're pretty much guaranteed to get a face full of tits if you sit at the stage, and one time when I put a single on the stage and walked away, you'd have thought Nelly had just slid his credit card through the girl's ass.

Value (6/10) - $5 cover and $20 dances seem to be slightly less than at most clubs in the area, and it's BYOB with a small fee for them to hold onto your drinks. If you're just passing through town, and I hope for your sake that you are, BYOB doesn't really help that much. The signs say there's a 3 drink minimum, but that doesn't seem to be strictly enforced.

Dance Setup (2.5/10) - There are booths, but they're made of lattice fencing, so they're basically useless. Anyone who is in this part of the club can see right in.

Club Setup (3.5/10) - There's a large bar in one section, a fairly small stage in the next section, and a few pool tables near the far wall. Even though they need more seats in the stage section of the club, this place seems like it could have been pretty decent at some point. Unfortunately, it's pretty run down now.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) - Ruby's is definitely more bar than gentleman's club, which is a problem since they don't serve alcohol. And the Hell's Angels at the bar, the tough guys standing by the pool tables, the country music, and the signs saying "If you're not drinking, you're loitering" don't really add to the atmosphere.

Club Accessibility (1/5) - I can't imagine anyone wanting to stay in this area for long, but it is easily accessible from I-95. The neighborhood isn't great, but it's not terrible and they have a private parking lot where your car should be safe.

Overall - I've been told that you can have a lot of fun with a few of the girls here, and there are plenty of people who really like this place - I'm just not one of them. It might be a decent option if you're looking for a Bridgeport club that's a compromise between the places with really tame lap dances (Scruples) and the places that are ridiculously shady (Bishop's Corner), but a club really has to blow me away to make up for a lack of alcohol, and Ruby's II doesn't.

TOTAL SCORE = 46

Pleasant Moments (Bridgeport, CT)

UPDATE: Pleasant Moments was closed for much of 2011, but it's now open again and is the same as ever.

Quality of Dances (17/20) – I hate to implicate a club in illegal activities, so I'll start this off by saying that not every girl offered extras (maybe they would have if I'd talked to them, but who can be sure?) and I didn't see any signs that the bartender or bouncer knew about or condoned what the girls were offering.  Plus, they have a sign in the bathroom reminding customers that they'll be asked to leave if they're caught doing drugs, so you know the club is on the up and up.  Having said that, several girls were shocked to find out that I actually wanted a dance since I guess not many customers at Pleasant Moments are looking for that.  Still, they all gave a good effort and were happy to do as much or as little as I wanted them to.  The one girl was even apologetic for her less than skilled dance moves, saying, "sorry, I don't not how to dance to this Spanish music - I usually just suck dick to it."  I had to knock them down a few points because the high chairs can make the contact awkward (more on that below), but these are still great dances.  

Quality of Dancers (2/10) – I've seen a few really hot girls and a lot of not so hot girls, but just about everyone in this place looks a little worn out.  Still, I've always managed to find at least one girl worth getting a dance from on any given night, and if you're into thick girls, you should find a lot more than that.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Pleasant Moments isn't a large club, but there usually aren't more than about 2 customers for every dancer except on weekend nights, so you won't have any problem getting one for a dance.  Unfortunately, the number of dancers is usually in the single digits, and the number of hot dancers is usually in the low single digits, so you might have a hard time finding one you like.  Or, worse yet, you may have to wait for a girl that you like to finish up a dance with another customer, and considering what goes on during many of the "dances," that can be fairly disconcerting.  

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – They have thick, thin, black, and Latina dancers, but you're pretty much out of luck if you're into white ladies.  There is one who's there most of the time, but I just can't bring myself to get a dance from someone who I know has spent too much time in this place.  

Attitude of Dancers (5.5/10) – A few of the ladies are a little strung out (I guess they missed the "no drugs allowed" sign), but they're actually very friendly for the most part.  The combination of friendly girls and the aggressive dances means that I've never had an easier time turning girls down.  If you just say, "sorry, I just had one," almost all of the ladies will say something along the lines of, "ooohhhh, maybe in a half hour or so, then?"  The closest that I got to a bad attitude was one girl who pissily asked me, "what am i supposed to do with these tissues if we're not fucking?"  My question is, what were you going to do with those tissues if we were fucking?  Personally, I'd prefer a condom.  Also, unsurprisingly, this place has had some issues with the Bridgeport Police Department, so if you're white and are dressed in business apparel, you better be seen drinking alcohol the second you walk in, or the girls will disappear.  I don't usually drink water in clubs, but I made an exception here because I figured the bottles would be the cleanest things the place.  Only one girl approached me until I switched to beer, then it was open season. 

Value (6.5/10) – The cover charge is $5, Coronas are $5.50 (that's all anyone drinks) and the stage value is off the charts if you're the kind of guy who likes to grope a girl out in the open.  The real value though comes from the lapdances, which are about the most contact you'll ever get for $20.  And if you're looking for a "dance" rather than a dance, that's a disturbingly cheap $60 from most of the ladies.  

Dance Setup (7/10) –  Dances are given in individual tiny rooms with doors that close and lock.  The only real downsides are the sticky floors and the uncomforable stools that you know people fuck on.  They're just too high off the floor for a proper lapdance, though I imagine that they're not coincidentally the perfect height for using to bend someone over.   

Club Setup (0/10) – This place is a shithole.  There's a large bar with a decent view of the shitty eye-level stage, then there's a raised area off to the side where there are a few stage-side seats and 2 pool tables.  I enjoyed that they have ice in the urinals because few things are more fun that melting that while drunk, but if a ghetto way to save money on urinal cakes is the highlight of a club, that's a bad sign. 

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – If you feel a need to remind customers that drugs are not allowed, you know there are some shady characters around.  I've surprisingly never felt that I was in danger while in Pleasant Moments, but that's primarily due to the fact that everyone is thoroughly patted down upon entering the club.  Still, the shady atmosphere and the constant questions about whether I'm a cop add up to a poor atmosphere, but I doubt that even this club's biggest fans really enjoy hanging out here.  You come here to cum here, and that's about it.  

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – I don't know my way around Bridgeport enough to say whether there are mass transit options, but you'd probably want to be able to get out of here at a moment's notice anyway, so you'll be driving to Pleasant Moments. It isn't in a great neighborhood, but at least you can park close enough to the club that you shouldn't really need to worry about your car.  

Overall – I'm all about aggressive lap dances, but Pleasant Moments is just too dirty, literally and figuratively, to justify me stopping by.  If you're interested in more than dances, that may change the equation for you, but you should definitely be careful with this place.  Police busted the club in late 2010 and both dancers and customers were arrested, so I have to think it's only a matter of time until it's raided again or shut down permanently.  

RAW SCORE = 45.5

George's (Bridgeport, CT)

Quality of Dances (0/20) – If you're going to risk your life to visit a dangerous club in the middle of the ghetto on Iranistan Avenue, that club better have some amazing lapdances. Not only does George's not have amazing lapdances - they have no lapdances. Based on that alone, you should never go here.  I'll keep writing in case you're curious, but there's really no point to the rest of this.  Don't go to George's!

Quality of Dancers (2/10) – The only girl that I saw here on my lone visit could have been a model in the Latina version of a Lane Bryant catalogue.  She had a hot face and would be absolutely blazing if she lost 60 pounds, but as is, she won't really do it for most guys.  I like a little something to grab onto during a lap dance, but again, there are no dances, so it's all about the looks here.  And 60 extra pounds don't look good.

Number of Dancers (1/10) – The lady who was working when I visited George's only spent a very small fraction of the time dancing.  For the most part, she just sat and chatted with a single customer.  In fairness to the club, there's no way in hell that I was going to this place at night, so I was there during the day shift, but one girl is not acceptable if a club is open for business.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0/5) – With only one girl working, obviously there was no diversity, and something tells me that all of the dancers would have been Latina or black and fairly large anyway. That "something" is experience with Bridgeport clubs.  You're just not going to find many girl next door types in the Bridgeport dive clubs unless you live next door to a weight loss clinic in the ghetto.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – This isn't a terribly useful rating since it's only based on one girl, but like I said above, you shouldn't even be reading this far.  In case you are, the girl that was working was reasonably friendly and very apologetic/confused about the lack of dances.

Value (6/10) – There's no cover, so the 2 drink minimum with $4.50 beers is reasonable.  If you're lucky enough to see a girl on stage, the action is adequate, but I wouldn't count on getting to witness that unless you're willing to hang out for a while.

Dance Setup (0/10) – No dances equals no dance setup.

Club Setup (1/10) – George's has 2 pool tables, paint peeling off the walls, a cigarette machine (who knew they even still make those?), a large bar that takes up most of the club and a shitty narrow stage along the right side wall.  Basically, this place is a dump.  And if the main room isn't bad enough for you, the terrible bathroom has a urinal located exactly where a civilized person would stand to wash their hands.  Luckily, I doubt that George's gets many of those types stopping by.

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – They have a sign on the wall that reads, "What you see, what you hear, when you leave, leave it here," which is really just a slightly more elegantly worded version of "Stop Snitchin'".  So that should tell you all that you really need to know about the atmosphere. You'll never really feel safe in here, and based on the cameras pointing outward, your car won't be either.  The one positive is that they have good mariache music playing most of the time (seriously, this wasn't the Reggaeton that you hear in clubs; it was the Mariachi music that you hear in a good mexican restaurant), but when the girl came out on stage, it inexplicably changed to the Bee Gee's.

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – There's parking across the street, but this is a bad neighborhood that I would advise you to stay away from.

Overall – George's is not worth a visit under any circumstances. Risking your life for a good club is questionable, but risking it for this dump is just begging to become a Darwin Award winner.

TOTAL SCORE = 16.5

Bishop's Corner (Bridgeport, CT)

Quality of dances (17/20) – You should be pleased by the dances at Bishop's Corner as long as you're more brave than you are choosy.  The dances that I've gotten here have been very enjoyable, with all the ladies really giving it their all.  The ladies all seemed fine with me doing some tit groping, and I'm fairly certain that I'd have gotten away with some crotch grabbing too if I'd wanted to.  My sense of decency was really the only limiting factor on the contact, and one girl was completely shocked that I just wanted a dance rather than a "dance."  She didn't think I was serious at first, but once she realized that I was, here's the conversation that we had:

Dancer: "So you no want a blow job or anything?"  

Me: "No thanks. I don't pay for sex."  

Dancer: "Then why you come to Bishop's Corner?"

...And that pretty much sums up the type of place that this is.     

Disclaimer: As far as I know, it was just the individual girls that I talked to who offer extras.  I'm sure there are some girls here who don't, and I didn't see any signs that management condones those activities.  

  

Quality of dancers (1/10) – Club 418 in Springfield used to advertise that they had the biggest girls in New England, but this place could have given them a run for their money. I'm not talking about girls who haven't shed their baby fat or girls who are pleasantly plump - most of these girls are just obese.  During my second visit, there was one legitimately hot dancer working, but one hot dancer in two visits just doesn't cut it.   

Number of Dancers (3/10) – There were a decent number of girls working when I stopped by on a Friday night, but there were almost too many guys to even fit in the place, so the ratio was terrible.  On a Sunday afternoon, there were only 3 girls working, but that was plenty for the limited number of customers.  And in my defense, I don't usually visit clubs on Sunday afternoon, but I had to make an exception for this place.  I was too freaked out by the "someone's about to start shooting people" atmosphere on a Friday night to stay for a dance, but I wanted to complete this review and thought that Sunday afternoon would be the only time safe enough for me to risk it.  

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Every girl that I saw was either black or Latina (not that I mind that), and almost every one of them was oversized (yeah, I do mind that). 

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – These girls can't get by on their looks, but thankfully, most of them seem to have fairly good personalities. It was too loud and crowded for anyone to have much extended interaction with the dancers on a Friday evening, but that's not the fault of the dancers.  My only real complaint is that the girl that I mentioned above spent two entire songs trying to convince me to get a bj, and didn't seem too happy that I was shooting her down.  Not that I'm such a stud that girls just beg to blow me (well that too), but I think she started to suspect that I might be a cop and figured her only hope of not getting arrested was to convince me to go through with it.   

Value (5.5/10) – There's no cover, dances are $20, and beers are $4 each. Everything here is a decent value, but it doesn't have the bargain basement type prices that I would have expected from such a dump. I was quoted $80 for other services, but I didn't try to negotiate that and I'm sure it varies from girl to girl among those who do that stuff.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The dance area is in the back of the club off to the left hand side when you walk in.  There's a moveable wooden privacy wall that encloses a single couch in the area, so you have more than enough privacy to do as much as you and the girl are willing to do.  I wouldn't want to see the couch under a blacklight, but it actually is fairly comfortable if you can ignore the fact that some dude probably just had his bare ass on it. 

Club Setup (1/10) – This is a small club with a long but very cramped bar and a tiny stage. If you spend a few hundred bucks to add a bar to your living room, you could probably create as good of a setup for a strip club as you'll find in this place. 

Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – This is the first time that I've ever left a club before getting a dance out of fear for my car and my life. They do pat down customers, but it seems like something bad will happen here. Also, it was very smoky in here, which is less than ideal if you're a non-smoker and have to explain your smokiness to anyone.  The atmosphere actually wasn't too bad on a Sunday afternoon, but the fact that I felt the need to go on a Sunday afternoon for safety reasons should tell you all that you need to know about this place.

Club Accessibility (0/5) – This club is in a run down residential neighborhood in east Bridgeport, and since there's no parking lot, you have to find parking on the side streets. While I was there, there where homeless people wandering around checking out the cars, but at least the club does have security cameras pointing outwards and shows the video in the club so you can try to keep an eye on your car.

Overall – Unless you're looking for a whorehouse, that's no reason to go to Bishop's Corner.  Honestly, even if I was looking for a whorehouse, it just wouldn't be worth the risk to my safety to spend much time here.   Strip clubs generally aren't the safest places in the world, but there are only a few clubs where I really get the feeling that it's only a matter of time until something really bad happens, and this is one of them.  Stay safe out there.  

RAW SCORE = 41

Elan's of Danbury (Danbury, CT)

Quality of Dances (7/20) – These are your run of the mill, mediocre lap dances. The girls don't mind if you touch their legs and most of them provide some moderate friction, but I've never walked away from a dance here thinking, "that was totally worth $25."

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – I don't get to Danbury often, so my sample size is fairly small, but most of the girls that I've seen here have been surprisingly hot and all of them have been at least decent. A lot of them are in their late 20s, so you might be disappointed if you're into the barely legal types, but I'll take a hot 29 year old over a busted 22 year old anyday.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – There were well over a dozen women working in the early evening, which worked out to about a 1-to-1 dancer-to-customer ratio. The ratio was lower when I visited later at night, but there were still plenty of attractive ladies to chose from.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – I've found a nice mix of races and nationalities at Elan's, with black girls, white girls, Asian girls, American girls and Russian girls in the mix. Most customers will probably appreciate that these girls are all fairly fit, but it might not be ideal for you if you're into thick chicks or are looking for something to grab onto during a lap dance. I guess that doesn't really matter too much though since two-way contact during the dances is too limited to allow for much grabbing anyway.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – The attitudes at Elan's aren't terrible, but some of the ladies seem to be a little stuck up and they don't circulate as much as they should. Plus they lose another point because one dancer cut me off in the parking lot and gave me the finger. Ladies, be on your best behavior at all times, because you never know when you're in Peter's presence.

Value (3.5/10) – No individual aspect of this club is terribly overpriced, but everything is on the high side, with $25 dances, a $10 cover after 7, $4.50 beers and a fairly mediocre stage show.

Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in the same chairs that they have elsewhere in club and there's absolutely no privacy from other dancers/dancees or anyone else in the place. The one row of chairs along the right-side wall at least faces away from most of the club, but that's still pretty bad. Making matters even worse is the fact that this whole place is way too bright, so it's even easier than it would otherwise be for any voyeurs to watch.

Club Setup (6/10) – They have a large bar with a very low stage several feet away inside, another small stage and the main stage which they only use when they're busy. That's all fine, and they do have reasonably comfortable chairs throughout the club, but the tiny tables suck if you're here with a group. Thankfully, they at least have two or three slightly better tables in the back.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The crowd is usually pretty decent and this place just generally has a solid vibe. It's not at all threatening and is definitely somewhere that I'd consider hosting a bachelor party if any members of the bride-to-be's family were going to be in attendance.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Elan's of Danbury is, unsurprisingly, not far from Danbury, but it's not particularly close to anything else of note. I don't think there's any type of mass transit in the area, so you'll need to drive to get here, but at least they do have more than enough parking if you can manage to steer around the crazy angry strippers in the lot.

Overall – This place is better than I expected, but it's a little on the upscale side for my tastes. The atmosphere makes it perfect for business meetings or outings with the girlfriend, but the mediocre dances and the lack of privacy mean that degenerates like me would be better off saving the cash for a shadier club.

TOTAL SCORE = 47.5

Key Club Cabaret (New Haven, CT)

Note: The Key Club Cabaret was previously the Crazy Horse, but had to change their name due to a trademark dispute with the Vegas Crazy Horse.  Previously, this was Stage Door Johnny's/Back Stage Johnny's.  

Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next, with some girls being fairly tame and some girls making a solid attempt to get the job done. Still, even most of the more tame girls have a few moves to make a dance worthwhile.  Also, the dances here are usually nude if you stick around for multiple songs, though that's not a huge plus in my book due to the risk of having to get my dress pants dry-cleaned.  A few girls have indicated that extras are available in the VIP area, but I haven't had $100+ to see if they're true to their word.

Quality of Dancers (5/10) – If you haven't been here since it was Johnny's, you should be pleased, because the quality has gone up significantly under new ownership.  It's still rare to see any girls that I'd rate above an 8 and there are a few who are way past their sell-by date, but the majority of girls are now in the 5-7 range.  Normally that would be worth around a 6, but I had to knock them down a point for having two "girls" that I'm fairly certain are post-op trannies.  Maybe they're just strong-jawed ladies, but in either case, why would a club hire dancers who even beg that question?    

Number of Dancers (6/10) – In the early evenings, there aren't usually a whole lot of dancers or customers.  The lack of customers means that you'll have your pick of the litter, but the lack of dancers means that you still might not have much quality to chose from.  Later in the evening, the number of dancers goes up much quicker than the number of customers, so there might be 2 dancers for every customer if you get here at the right time, and even if you don't, you shouldn't have a hard time getting a girl's attention for a dance. The only time that I've had a real problem was on a Sunday afternoon when there were no dancers, but the manager bought a few rounds of drinks for everyone who was there and the bartendress stepped up to offer lap dances. It still wasn't ideal, but I admire a club that at least makes the effort to make up for its shortcomings.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – The Key Club has a mix of black and white dancers and they've got more than enough size variation, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame.  For whatever reason, the black girls here were usually somewhat hotter than the white ones when this was Johnny's, but that trend seems to be slowly reversing recently.

Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – On multiple occasions, girls have been happy to show me around the club including the VIP dance area even without me asking, and most of them are friendly whether they're on stage or just sitting around bullshitting with customers.  This seems like the type of place where's you'd run into some strung out girls, but that hasn't been my experience at all.  I did once have to help a girl stay on her chair because she was falling down drunk, but otherwise, these girls seem to be fairly well put together.

Value (3/10) – There's a $10 cover after 6pm that gets you into both clubs and the $5 beers, $25 dances and moderate stage value are all ok, but there are much better values to be found elsewhere in Connecticut.  I love lap dances, and these ones are pretty solid, but I have a hard time ever justifying more than one or two when they cost more than $20 each.  Thankfully, some of the girls drop the price to $20 per dance after the first one since the club isn't taking a cut of that extra cash, so you should always ask about that before you agree to a dance if you're considering staying for multiple songs.    

Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance booths from Johnny's are gone, so even though the dance area is classier now, it's not nearly as private.  Still, it isn't terrible since there are two separate bench areas on the nude side of the club, and you can't see those areas unless you're in them.  The ladies make sure to take you to the second bench area if there's already a guy in the first one, so you get an area to yourself as long as only one or two customers are getting dances at a time.  Any more than that though, and it gets cramped and loses all privacy really quickly.  If you're willing to drop the cash for the VIP dances, you'll go around the corner to a row of decent sized individual rooms with a large comfy couch in each.  They don't have doors on the booths, but no one will see you unless they're going for a private dance, so it's still pretty solid if you're looking to get a little intimate.  

Club Setup (4/10) – The new owners have put a lot of money into this place and it's certainly a huge improvement over the way it was before, but something is still missing.  The topless side has a long bar that fills up quickly, a long bench style couch along the far side wall, and a large stage. The stage is reasonably nice overall, but it has one annoying flaw - it doesn't have a lower shelf or ledge where you can sit your drink, so you're choices are to awkwardly hold your beverage or to sit it right on the stage. Not a huge problem, but who knew they even make stages without a place to sit drinks? The nude side doesn't really seem to be a popular place to hang out, but it also has a decent stage with some chairs around it.  I think the topless side needs some tables and booths to make it better for groups, because I really can't see coming here with more than one or two other guys.  

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The setup has become more upscale, but the old dive bar atmosphere still shows through.  I imagine that it will eventually be fairly nice, but for now, it's kind of in that awkward zone where it's too classy to be a dive but too shitty to be classy.  I could also see it getting rougher later at night, but the crowd has always been alright while I've been there.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The Key Club is very close to I-91, isn't too far from I-95, and is within walking distance of some of the best pizza in the U.S. over on Wooster Street.  If you're from the area, I'm sure that you already have your preference and I know better than to try to change your mind, but if you're just passing through, I'd have to recommend Frank Pepe's if you're interested in toppings and Sally's if you're going for plain cheese.  You can't go wrong either way though.  

Overall – The Key Club is already the best club, by far, in New Haven.  It may not be great, but the dances are very good and everything else is solid if you can overlook the varied quality of dancers.  I'm guessing that the dancer quality will go up over time, but for now, that prevents me from adding it to my Connecticut rotation.  Overall, it's about on par with Keepers in Milford, and even though I'd still probably chose Centerfolds in Berlin over the Key Club, the Key Club has become a very reasonable option if you're in New Haven and time is limited.

TOTAL SCORE = 51

Gin Dee's (West Haven, CT)

Quality of Dances (5.5/20) – The girls make some contact with customers and a halfhearted grind is pretty standard, but two way contact is not encouraged.  No one has protested when I've put my hands on their legs, but I don't get the impression that anything beyond that is tolerated with most of these girls.

Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – I feel bad being too harsh here because the bright lighting makes the flaws more visible than they'd be most places, but either way, there are plenty of flaws here.  I know that some guys are into tattooed chicks, but there's way too much ink in here for my tastes, and a lot of the girls just look generally sloppy.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – They've had less than a half dozen girls dancing every time I've been there, though I'm pleased to say that hasn't been all that often. Still, there aren't a whole lot of customers so the ratio isn't too bad.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – They have about an equal number of black and white dancers with every size from meth addict thin to borderline-obese represented.  If it weren't for the fact that most of the variety is just variations of ugly, this score would be at least a point higher.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Most of these girls are reasonably friendly and they really spend a lot of time chatting with the regulars, even if no one is spending money.  That would usually annoy me since I'm not a regular, but for the most part, I'm just thankful that other guys have kept these ladies away from me.

Value (4/10) – The $5 cover, $4 domestic beers and stage value aren't too bad, especially since a lot of the girls flash the puss on stage despite it only being a topless club.  The dances are where they lose it though, since they charge $25 even though the service isn't worth half that.

Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in a small area towards the back of the club where there are four horribly uncomfortable chairs.  That wouldn't be so bad, but they face towards each other, there are no barriers and there are mirrors on both sides, so it's almost impossible not to watch everyone else get dances. The only positive is that people at the bar can't see you.

Club Setup (2/10) – This place is a lot bigger on the inside that you'd realize from driving by, but they really don't need or make use of all of the space that they've got.  The stage in particular is needlessly large, with no more than one girl dancing (or wiggling, as the case may be) at a time. I guess the draw is the large bar and the pool tables, but just like with girls, you see all the flaws in this place thanks to the bright lighting.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The crowd can be a little shady and this place is just generally depressing, but it's not as bad it would be if it were darker.  It really is a catch 22 for them though - turn up the lights and the girls look like shit, or turn down the lights and depress the hell out of everyone.

Club Accessibility (2/5) - Gin Dee's isn't far from New Haven and they have plenty of parking, but you're going to have to drive to get there.

Overall – There are some bad clubs in and around New Haven, but Gin Dee's is probably the worst of them. If you're in the area and are desperate to go to a club, you're much better off driving the 10 minutes down I-95 to Keepers in Milford or heading into New Haven to the Crazy Horse.

TOTAL SCORE = 29

Peek-A-Boo's Cafe (Waterbury, CT)

Quality of Dances (13/20) – The good news: "don't worry about the signs that say 'no touching.' You can grab my ass." The bad news: "Just don't let my boss see you. He's the big guy."  As much as I enjoy being actively involved in a lap dance, none of these girls were hot enough to justify pissing off the "big guy." A lot of them are active with their hands over the pants, but it's generally just not worth spending money on girls that look like this.

Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – There might be one or two tolerable girls, but most of these dancers look like they've seen better days despite never having been all that hot even in their primes.  Too many drugs and/or too many meals have taken their tolls on these ladies.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – I don't think you'd ever have any problem getting a girl for a dance if you have very low standards, but that has more to do with the lack of customers than it does with the number of dancers. Some of the ladies in these place are so atrocious that I can't even factor them into this score, so you can probably add another point if you're just looking for warm bodies.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – The quality is low, but you can find black, white and Latina girls both big and small at Peek-A-Boo's.

Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – Other than a few girls who seemed to be a few stages beyond high, they were reasonably friendly. They rely on repeats, so they definitely try to keep the few customers that they have happy. The biggest drawback was that, because of the lack of customers, I did have to deal with a few clingy creatures.

Value (3/10) – There's never been a cover charge while I've been there, but $25 dances are too expensive and $5 for beers are on the high side for a dump like this. You can interact with the girls at the stage, though I kept my eyes on the TVs most of the time that I was in here.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – Dances are given in a raised area in corner of club on undivided benches.  If anyone else is getting a dance at the same time, it's awful.  If not, everyone else in the club can still watch so it isn't all that much better

Club Setup (1/10) – There's a decent stage in middle of the club and a long bar at the one end, but just like its dancers, this club has seen better days.

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – This place just bums me out.  These aren't girls who even bother pretending that they're trying to pay their way through college or make some easy spending money or earn cash for their families back in South America.  For the most part, they're girls who are trying to finance their next fix.  I never have and never will enjoy a club like this.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – This place isn't far from Mr. Happy's and is only a few minutes from downtown Waterbury, but you'll be driving to get there.

Overall –  I'm not going to bother saying which is better between this place and Mr. Happy's, because that would be implying that either of them would be worth considering. I just can't think of any possible reason to ever go to Peek-A-Boo's.  Strip clubs are supposed to make you feel good, and this one does just the opposite.

TOTAL SCORE = 32

Sweetheart's (Vernon, CT)

Note: Sweetheart's was formerly Kahoots Vernon.

Quality of Dances (16/20) - There's a lot of variation from girl to girl, but everyone offers a good grind with the help of the handles on the sides of the booths and allows full 2-way contact.  Most of the girls also make at least some contact with their hands over the pants, and many of the girls offer extras.

Quality of Dancers (4/10) - Most of these girls are somewhat attractive but few if any of them are great.  If you know the quality of girls at the other local clubs, I'd say that these ladies fall about midway between what you'd find at Kahoots in East Hartford and at the Blue in Tolland.  The way they look wouldn't really be a problem though if it weren't for the the amount of wear and tear on most of these girls. Some nights, it isn't too bad, but other nights you can literally see the track marks.  On those nights, even knowing how good the dances are, I just can't justify allowing any of the ladies to touch my pants.

Number of Dancers (1.5/10) - I saw two girls here during my first visit, and even though I was told that I was there at a particularly slow time, 8:30 pm on a weekday should never be that slow.  There have been closer to a half dozen girls working during my other visits, but that's still not nearly enough.  Plus the girls seem to spend a lot of time with regulars, so infrequent visitors might have a tough time getting a girl's attention without dropping some cash at the stage.  And they don't even necessarily encourage that.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - I've seen mostly young white girls at Sweethearts, but there's usually a least one Latina working as well.  They employ girls of all body types, though you might not see too much variation on any given night since there might only be 2-4 girls in the place.

Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) - I've seen several girls just sit down with their top on and talk to a guy for the entire set. I just sit there with a wad of dollar bills ready to go, but a girl has to at least give a little effort if she expects a tip.  You don't tip a waitress before she serves the meal, so I'm not sure why some ladies think they should get a tip before taking the titties out.  The girls haven't been too bad to talk to other than that, but if you don't buy a dance fairly quickly, they'll be right back to the regulars.

Club Setup (5.5/10) - Though it isn't huge, the stage is fairly nice and is plenty big for two girls to dance at a time.  The stage has a very wide edge that separates customers from the dance floor, but most of the girls just crawl around on it to get closer to you.  The small 2-person booths that surround the stage are also a nice option if you're visiting by yourself or with one other guy.  The bar is fairly small and is surrounded by flat screen TVs, but there are no TVs in the much larger main room.  There's also there a pool table and a few decent tables there near the bar in view of the TVs.   Overall, this place isn't particularly well thought out, but it's still a lot nicer inside than you'd expect from the parking lot.

Dance Setup (7/10) - Lap dances are given in nice large booths with large sides and a roof.  It almost feels like you're getting into the cockpit of a strange R-rated space shuttle when you sit down.  Even though there's no door on the booths, no one can see you unless they're walking by because there's a curtain down the center of the room that prevents people in the opposing booths from watching. Also, since the booths are in a separate area of the club, it's fairly rare for anyone to walk by.  There are curiously bright lights in each booth, but most of the girls thankfully turn those off before they get down to business.

Atmosphere (1.5/10) - Sweetheart's seems safe enough, but the small bar and the tiny booths prevent it from being ideal for groups.  I can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is, but I just generally don't get a great feeling from the place

Value (1.5/10) - I can deal with the $5 cover in the evenings, the $4 drinks and the decent topless stage action, but the $30 dances are brutal.  Dances were recently $20 each, but I guess they assumed that the perfect time to raise prices by 50% is during a recession.

Accessibility (1.5/5) - Sweetheart's isn't too far from Hartford, but it isn't particularly close to the interstate or anything else noteworthy.

Overall - Sweetheart's is fairly mediocre overall, but the lap dances are good enough to make it a fun place if dances are your top priority.  The problem for them is that they can't get by on lap dances alone when they're located less than 10 minutes away from some of the most aggressive (in a good way) dancers in the United States over at Electric Blue.  If you're just passing through the area, the Blue is the way to go, but if you're always around here and are looking to mix things up, you'll probably have a decent time at Sweethearts.   Honestly though, why would you want to mix things up from the Blue?

TOTAL SCORE = 43

Rose's Cantina (Groton, CT)

Quality of Dances (7/20) – These dances were about as good as I expected them to be, which is to say that they weren't very good at all. The only girl that I wasted my cash on rubbed her ass on my lap and was fine with me touching her legs, but she didn't work it all that hard and said that she had "fucked guys up" for inappropriate touching during dances. I'm not sure just how inappropriate you have to be to get fucked up, but the girl looked like she could do some damage in a fight, so I decided against pushing my luck. It's possible that I got a below average girl, but honestly, I'd be shocked if the other girls are any better than the one I sampled. I almost always try at least a few girls to make sure that the dance score is accurate, but the low quality of girls and the ridiculous dance prices made me just stick to one dance at Rose's.

Quality of Dancers (3/10) –  I've seen two mediocre girls and one who was downright sloppy, and even though that's a low sample size, I have a hard time imagining that the other girls are all that impressive either.  Since the girls down the street at the Gold Club seem to make decent money, I assume that most girls would work there if they were hot enough to compete. As with most shitty strip clubs, the two bartenders that I've seen have both been much more attractive than any of the dancers. Unfortunately, they wear shit like long-sleeved plaid shirts, so their hotness is largely wasted.

Number of Dancers (0/10) – During my first visit, there wasn't a single dancer in the place. I almost wrote a review based on that, but figured that a titty bar review based on a tittyless visit wouldn't be much better than a tittyless titty bar, so I bit the bullet and went out of my way to make a second trip to Groton. I guess the second trip was better, but not by much. Three ladies were working this time, but the only way that I knew that for my first 45 minutes in the place was that they walked from the changing room to the front door so they could smoke, then they walked right back to the changing room. They eventually mingled with customers, but the whole situation was unacceptable. Honestly though, this place is better off without dancers because then you can just pretend it's an awesome dive bar instead of a shitty strip club.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – Few girls means little variety.  All white girls means even less variety. Don't get your hopes up for Latinas based on the "Cantina" name; this place is as white as it gets. The little bit of variety comes in the thickness department, with one girl's saggy pickle tits almost hitting the floor when she was on all fours.

Attitude of Dancers (1/10) – This seems like the type of place where all of the dancers would call you "sweetie," but not so much. Hanging out in the back room and taking a group smoke break while a dozen paying customers sit around by themselves is bad enough, but even once the girls graced us with their presence, they still weren't real charmers. The girl that I got a dance from tried to convince me that I should give her a tip because she "gave me an extra half a song." By an extra half a song, apparently she meant the ten seconds of dancing that she did while the previous song faded out. One girl asked where I was from, and when I told her, she gave a sarcastic, "Oh, don't they have any clubs there?" Yeah, they do, but I went two hours out of my way to give this shithole a second chance to redeem itself after my first dancerless visit. Let's just say the redeeming wasn't really happening. And if their attitudes toward customers aren't bad enough, they just seemed like generally nasty people based on the one dancer who stole a tip that I'd left for another girl and another dancer who complained about the "jigaboo noise" that was playing.

Value (2/10) – There's no cover charge and beers are fairly cheap, with 16oz. PBRs for $3 and other bottles starting around $3.50.  That's not bad, but $30 dances are ridiculous for a place like this.

Dance Setup (1/10) –  There are two small booths toward the back of the club that open from the side so that most of the people in the club can't really see what's going on.  The chairs are basically big ugly wooden boxes, the edges are too close to keep you from achieving an optimal spreading of your legs, and they're basically just about as uncomfortable as possible. They do provide for some limited privacy since the chair is around the corner from the door, but the dance setup is really bad overall.

Club Setup (2/10) – The main area has a decent sized bar, 2 pool tables, a dart board, a few TVs and a big buck hunter arcade game.  It's a fairly solid setup for a bar, but then you notice that in the back, there's a little dog-leg section where there's a shitty stage and some chairs.  If you're actually trying to look at girls on stage, it's awkward at best.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – There isn't much of a strip club atmosphere in this place, but as a cantina, I love it.  During my first visit, there was a group of guys rolling dice, a weird old guy in a cowboy hat, and a bunch of other interesting characters all having a good time. 

Club Accessibility (2/5) – The location in a strip mall is kind of strange, but it's easy enough to get to and is right down the road from the Gold Club. There's plenty of parking, but you're almost certainly going to have to drive to get here.

Overall – If I were reviewing dive bars, Rose's Cantina would probably get my seal of approval, but since I'm not, it won't even come close. Actually, I had a much better time here during my first visit when there weren't dancers than during my second visit when there were. Maybe that's a product of different expectations, or maybe it's just the fact that I didn't waste $30 on a dance the first time, but either way, it doesn't say much for a titty bar when it's better without the titties. The Gold Club isn't a great club, but it's an infinitely better option if you're in Groton and are looking to see some attractive topless ladies.

TOTAL SCORE = 25

Scruples (Bridgeport. CT)

Quality of dances (8/20) – You'll get some decent grind action here, but two way contact is not encouraged and, with a bouncer closely monitoring the action, it isn't the type of place where you'll want to push your luck.  Considering the things that go on in some of the other Bridgeport clubs, Scruples needs to step their game up, because "decent" just isn't good enough to compete.    

Quality of dancers (7.5/10) –  There's a lot of variation from night to night, but I've seen plenty of 8s in here, and it's very rare to see anyone below a 5 or a 6.  The top end girls aren't all that much better than in most other Connecticut clubs, but the quality control seems to be significantly above average.      

Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – This place can be packed with both dancers and customers on weekend nights.  Though the ratio of dancers to customers isn't always great, there are usually enough girls to choose from so that you shouldn't have to wait too long to get someone's attention for a dance.  That's particularly true if, as is often the case, one of the other clubs in the area is shut down due to legal troubles.          

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – There's a nice mix of fit white and Latina dancers, but I've been surprised by the relative lack of black dancers and big asses.      

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – These girls are hot, but a lot of them think that they're hotter than they are.  It's not that they're nasty, but they just aren't all that inviting either.   

Value (3.5/10) – The $8 cover on weekend nights seems a little on the high side, the mediocre dances are $20 each and cans of beer are $4 each.  They have bottles of beer as well, but I can never pass up the opportunity to guzzle a few cans of beer in a strip club, so I'm not sure of the price for them.  Like all Connecticut clubs that serve alcohol, this place is topless, but I never feel like my dollar bills are well spent at the Scruples stage.    

Dance Setup (1.5/10) –  The owners of this place seem to have more invested in the club than do a lot of the other Bridgeport club owners, and the dance setup is designed to make sure that nothing happens that will cost them their club.  That's logical from a business perspective, but it's unfortunate for us customers.  All of the dances are given in a small sectioned off area in the back of the club where a bouncer watches everything.   The chairs are attached as if they were all part of a bench, but arm rests thankfully separate customers from each other.  The dance setup is really the main reason that I haven't spent a whole lot of time in this club. 

Club Setup (3/10) – There's a massage chair, a huge bar and a long stage, but the stage isn't placed at a logical angle and there are barely any tables. Worst of all, the club is way too bright, so you (or at least I) feel kind of creepy sitting at the stage staring at a girl.  Unfortunately, thanks to the odd angle of the stage, you don't really have any other option if you want a decent view of the action. 

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – The atmosphere at Scruples isn't bad at all by Bridgeport standards.  When I've been here, the crowd has been mostly small groups of guys who are stopping by on their way home from work.  The lack of tables prevents it from being great for larger groups and I probably wouldn't go here for a night out, but it has a nice relaxed vibe that makes it a decent option if you're looking for a place to enjoy a beer or two.     
 
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The neighborhood isn't the greatest, but it's not terrible for Bridgeport and the parking lot is monitored.  There's no fee for parking, though tips to the parking lot attendant are always appreciated.

Overall – This is one of the cleaner Bridgeport clubs and really isn't bad overall, but the dance setup and the dance quality will need to improve for me to ever make this one of my regular stops.  Unfortunately, I don't imagine that will be happening anytime soon.     

TOTAL SCORE = 44.5

Juicee's (Norwich, CT)

Quality of Dances (10/20) - Most of the dances that I had at Juicee's were decent but unspectacular.  Some of the girls allowed full 2-way contact (I was told to touch "anywhere but the cookie"), but some were a little more reserved.  Sadly, even the best girls failed to pay any special attention to body parts that like special attention. 

Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) - They probably don't have a whole lot to choose from in the middle of nowhere and it shows, because quality control is non-existent.  I saw a few girls who weren't bad, but there were a few who were among the worst I've ever seen in a club.  I'm not a huge fan of old ladies, c-section scars or white trash, but when you combine all of those qualities into one messy woman, the result is even worse than the sum of its parts.  

Variety (2/5) - I've only been here once, but most of the girls working that night were white.  There was one darker skinned girl working, and there was a pretty wide array of body types, including one girl who was quite possibly a midget.  

Number (3/10) - Though there weren't many dancers working the night that I was there, there weren't many customers either.  The ratio hovered around 1-to-1 for most of the evening.  Usually that's a good thing, but it did make it a little bit difficult to avoid the less desirable girls.  

Attitude (3.5/10) - The "little person" was one of the friendliest dancers I've ever met, but the others weren't nearly as welcoming.  If you don't like being a stripper, either find another way to make money or learn to at least pretend like you enjoy it while you're working.  I'm not sure if saying "I hate doing this" is supposed to make customers feel bad and give more tips, but it definitely didn't work with this customer.

Value (6/10) -It's unheard of for a place with a $12 cover, $4 sodas and $20 dances to get an above average value score, but Juicee's pulled it off.  Instead of giving dances by the song, they give them in timed 7 minute blocks.  Assuming that the average strip club song is about 3 minutes long, that works out to a little under $10 per song, which is about as good as you'll find.  And it really does make a lot of sense.  Why should you have to pay the same amount for 1 song whether it's Extra Pale by the Goo Goo Dolls, coming in just shy of 2 minutes (which the day shift girls at the Electric Blue still try to get away with) or American Pie by Don McLean?  

Dance Setup (2.5/10) - The lap dance area has a few chairs in a raised area along the side of the club with no privacy between them, but no one in the rest of the club can see much of what goes on below your shoulders.  It's a fairly poor setup, but sadly, it's still better than you'll find in a lot of Connecticut clubs. 

Club Setup (2/10) - This place is a dump.  They have a decent sized bar, but since they don't serve alcohol, who gives a shit?  The stage is fairly large, but its mostly unutilized with dancers going on one at a time.  They have some arcade games that look like they haven't been used in decades along with a pop-a-shot machine and some pool tables.  There's also one TV in the corner of the club, but everything about it is worse than you're imagining.  

Atmosphere (1/10) - The patrons were all really friendly, but an alcohol-free, non-BYOB place will never get a good atmosphere score. Hopefully they just couldn't get a liquor license, because I don't know why any club would think that the lack of undies is worth the lack of alcohol.

Location (2/5) - Juicee's is at the end of a dead end alley.  As you pull up, you'll be hoping that you don't run into any trouble because it seems like the type of place when you could be murdered and dumped in the weeds to never be found.  On the bright side, it is reasonably near the casinos, so it gets a few points.  

Overall - There's not a single thing that Juicee's does particularly well.  The dances are okay and the some of the dancers are friendly, but everything else is well below average.  If you're at the Connecticut casinos and are looking to go to a club, you're much better off spending the extra time to drive to Providence. 

TOTAL SCORE = 34.5

Mardi Gras II (East Windsor, CT)

Quality of Dances (11/20) – I've gotten some decent grind action and have been allowed to touch the legs and hips, but the dance setup doesn't really allow things to get too intimate. It's probably worth getting a dance if you're already in the club, but I wouldn't go out of my way for it.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – Almost every girl in this place is pretty, but not stunningly so. I haven't seen many dancers here that I'd rate below a 6 or above an 8. That still puts them in the upper echelon of Connecticut clubs, but it would be nice to see a knockout once in a while.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – Mardi Gras II has a lot of girls working on the Friday and Saturday nights, but the place can get packed, so it can still be hard to get a girl for a dance. On the bright side, at least you do get to watch several girls on stage at a time while you wait. The crowds aren't bad during the day, but obviously there aren't as many girls working then either.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – I've seen some black girls and a few Latinas, but the majority of the girls here are white. There's a decent mix of body types, but all of the girls that I've seen have been at least relatively fit.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – When this place is packed, no girls will be spending more than a minute or two with any individual guy, but they do seem to be friendly for the most part once your get their attention. The small gap between customers and the stage also makes interaction a little more difficult than it should be, and one loyal reader has reported that the dancers aren't overly inviting to couples.

Value (8/10) – You'll have a hard time finding a better deal than a $3 weekend evening cover and $3 drafts. The dances are a reasonable value at $20 each and you get a great show for a few bucks at the stage, but the beer prices are what really make this place ideal for a cheap outing.

Dance Setup (3/10) – The dances are given in a sectioned off area in the corner of the club on several small individual couches.  They aren't particularly comfortable and allow the guy across from you to watch your dance, but they do at least provide some separation and are a huge improvement over the way the dance area was setup a few years ago.

Club Setup (4/10) – The bar is enormous and takes up almost the entire club, and the stage is inside the bar area. There's a narrow area between the bar and the stage where the bartenders can walk to deliver drinks, so you're a little further from the dancers than you'd be in most clubs, but a lot of them go over the channel and dance on the actual bar. They only have a few tables that aren't at the bar, but unfortunately, the lack of non-bar/non-stage space in the club makes it unlikely that this problem will ever be corrected.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The lack of tables is the only thing that really holds this club back from being a great place for large groups to hang out, but it's still a lot of fun for small groups or solo outings.

Club Accessibility (1/5) –This club is between Springfield and Hartford, but isn't particularly close to either. It's a shame that a place with such amazing drink prices isn't close enough to any metropolitan areas/hotels to allow you to take full advantage without worrying about having a designated driver.

Overall – This is one of the better clubs in northern Connecticut, but unless the dance setup improves, I just can't justify going here when the Electric Blue is only 20 minutes away. Mardi Gras II would be a very solid choice though if you're looking for a change of pace or aren't particularly interested in lap dances.

TOTAL SCORE = 53.5

Updated: February, 2012

Mystique Gentlemen's Club (Bridgeport, CT)

Quality of Dances (8/20) – Given the location (both the city and the part of the club), I expected these dances to be amazing. They weren't bad, but they didn't live up to my lofty expectations and were about as tame as I've had in Bridgeport. You'll probably get a decent grind from the dancer's ass or knee, but two-way contact does not seem to be encouraged.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – The sample size is fairly small since I don't get to this area all that often, but the girls here are the best that I've seen in Bridgeport. Almost all of them are attractive and reasonably young, and I have yet to see a girl who I'd go out of my way to avoid.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They have a decent number of dancers and the ratio has always been pretty solid in my experience. If you're looking for a girl for a dance or for some conversation, you should be in luck.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – I've seen a good variety of body types and a mix of black and white dancers, with a lot of eastern Europeans. My only complaint is that I'd like to see some more Latinas in the mix, but if you're into the thicker girls that you'll find at a lot of the Bridgeport clubs, you may be a little disappointed.

Attitude of dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls are fairly friendly, though some are even more chatty that I'd like, with one girl in particular trying to convince me to help her sell the worst movie plot of all time to a studio. For the record, I have nothing to do with the movie industry, and based on her plot idea, this girl won't either. Or at least she'll never be in the kind of movies that have plots. A few of the girls just sit together in a corner of the club and don't really mix with customers, but overall, the attitudes aren't good enough to draw in customers or bad enough to keep them away.

Value (3.5/10) – The prices at Mystique are fairly standard for Connecticut. On a Friday evening, I paid a $5 cover, $4 for a beer and $20 for a solid but unspectacular dance. Because of the setup at the stage, you may feel a need to tip the dancers while you're sitting at the bar, which is unfortunate if you usually avoid spending money at the stage so that you have more for dances.

Dance Setup (2/10) – Dances are given in a separate room with its own unused stage. You sit on an uncomfortable individual bench style couch that forces you to recline somewhat, but there are no barriers in the room. As long as you're the only one getting a dance, it isn't too bad, but it's less than ideal if anyone else is back there.

Club Setup (2.5/10) – The club has a few small 2 person tables, but almost everyone sits around the horseshoe shaped bar that has an interior stage several feet away. You're too far from the stage to interact with the girls while they're dancing, and to give a tip, you have to throw wadded up $1s at the dancer. It's a good thing this club isn't in Canada, because you'd take someone's eye out if you tried that shit with a loonie.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – There's a pretty good vibe in here, especially considering that it's in Bridgeport. The stage setup makes no sense, but it does contribute to a fun atmosphere if the drinks are flowing.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – I wouldn't exactly say that this is a good neighborhood, but by Bridgeport standards, it isn't bad at all. Despite there not being a whole lot of available parking, I've never had a problem finding a spot.

Overall – There are better options in the area for aggressive dances, but Mystique isn't a bad choice if you're in Bridgeport and are hoping to see some attractive topless women, and it's a particularly good choice if getting out alive and disease-free is a priority for you.

TOTAL SCORE = 46

Rumours (Stratford, CT)

Quality of dances (12.5/20) – There's two way contact and if you're willing to overlook the setting and the questionable cleanliness of the dancers, the dances are just about as good as extra-free dances can be. Still, it's tough to enjoy the dances too much when you've got a piece of wood from the chair sticking into your back and you're trying to figure out what the hell that residue is on your pants.

Quality of dancers (2.5/10) - A lot of the dancers here look like girls that you'd see working the street, and according to one dancer, some of them do. Most of the ladies aren't terribly old, but their best days are far behind them.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – There are a decent number of dancers, but a lot of them don't mingle at all, so it can be somewhat hard to find a girl for a dance. That's not a huge problem though since I don't know why you'd want a dance from any of these girls anyway unless you're tying to write a review for a strip club review website.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – I saw black and white dancers of varying body types, but I'm generally looking for a mix of attractive girls with this category, and I certainly didn't find that here.

Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – Most of the dancers spend a lot of time with the regulars, but a significant percentage of them seemed to be messed up on drugs and generally didn't seem like they'd be great to talk to.

Value (4/10) – There's no cover, but $4 drinks with a 2 drink minimum and $20 dances aren't a great value. At least not great enough to make up for the club's other deficiencies.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – There are two old shoe-shaped chairs in a corner near the pool tables, but the chairs are falling apart. A few plants are situated to partially obscure the view from the rest of the club, but you shouldn't do anything back there that you don't want everyone else to see, because they probably will.

Club Setup (3/10) – There's a large bar and a large stage, but the stage looks fairly shitty and has to be a constant source of splinters for the dancers. The section of pool tables in the back of the club seems to be the main draw to this place. That's fine of you're looking for a pool hall, but not so great if you're looking for a strip club.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The smoke in this club is ridiculous and the crowed seemed a little bit rough, but I didn't really feel like I was in danger here. The rumor is that there's a pretty heavy Hell's Angels presence in this place and whether or not that's true, it isn't hard to believe.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – This club is a short drive from Bridgeport, and though it's not far from Bishop's Corner, it seems to be much much safer.

Overall – If I hadn't been there to write a review, I'd have opened the door, taken one look around, then walked out, but since I took this one for the team, you don't even have to waste your time doing that much. I love strip clubs, but there are few things in the world that are more depressing than a bad one, and Rumours qualifies.

TOTAL SCORE = 34

Kahoots East Hartford (East Hartford, CT)

According to the Hartford Courant, a town ordinance requires Kahoots to stop offering lap dances and, to be extra sure that there will be no contact between dancers and customers, requires that customers who wish to give tips put their bills in a tip jar. I've been to the club several times since reading the article and haven't noticed tip jars and have still had contact dances, so I'm not entirely sure what's going on. They may still be appealing the ordinance or maybe they're just ignoring it under the assumption that they might as well shut down anyway if they follow the new rules. Just to be safe, I'd recommend that you call the club to make sure that they still offer lap dances if you're going to go far out of your way to get here, though I wouldn't really recommend that you do that in either case.

Quality of Dances (12/20) - The girls grab onto the handles on the sides of booths and use them to slide back and forth to give an excellent grind. Most of the girls don't necessarily encourage you to touch them, but it does at least seem to be tolerated. Still, there's something very mechanical about these dances that makes them less enjoyable than they should be, though that may just be my perception based on the raised expectations that come with a $30 dance. I didn't get any offers for extras, but this certainly seems like the type of place where they could be available for frequent visitors.

Quality of Dancers (4/10) - You really never know what you're going to find in this place. You might find some real talent, or you might find a few meth addicts and a few girls who probably spent their careers at the Blue or the Gold Club but decided to strip here once they'd reached retirement age. On their best day, they'd probably get a 6, but on their worst day, it would be more like a 2.5. I'll split the difference and round it down since they seem to have more bad days than good ones.

Variety (2/5) - There's some variation of body types and a mix of white and Latina dancers, but I'd like to see some other races represented and a little more talent among the Latinas. Actually, now that I think about it, the Blue is more fun than this place, so maybe it's a good thing that not many of the hot Latin ladies in the area are wasting their time here.

Number (3.5/10) - I've usually found about a half dozen women working whether the place is packed or empty. Since this place is usually busier in the evenings than it deserves to be, that means the ratio isn't usually all that great. Unfortunately, the talent level doesn't seem to be as good when they're less busy, so you'll have to pick your poison.

Attitude (3/10) - Some of the girls here are friendly, but for the most part, they seem to have a little more of a street edge to them than in the other central Connecticut clubs. It isn't that they're rude, but they don't waste too much effort trying to establish the illusion that they want anything other than money.

Value (2/10) - The $5 cover from 6pm until midnight (then free), the $3-4 beers and the stage value are all acceptable. The $30 lap dances are not.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) - The dances are given in two rows of booths near the bar. Nothing covers the entrance to the booths, but a curtain separates the two rows of booths and the the angle prevents most people from seeing what you're up to, especially if you're in one of the two booths in the back. The dance setup isn't perfect, but it's about as good as I've found in Connecticut.

Club Setup (3.5/10) - There's a decent bar and a decent stage, but you can barely see the stage from the bar area. They do have some flatscreen TVs on the walls, but you should at least have a choice between watching TV and looking at topless ladies if you're having a drink at a strip club, and the setup here prevents that. The small booths that surround the stage are nice for small groups and solo visitors, but they wouldn't really work for big crowds.

Atmosphere (5/10) - The setup prevents this from being a great place for big groups, but the crowd is usually relatively friendly and it isn't bad for small groups.

Accessibility (3.5/5) - Kahoots isn't far from downtown Hartford, but it's far enough away that you'll be forced to drive to get here. There is plenty of parking though, and this place isn't good enough to justify spending enough time to get drunk anyway.

Overall - The place varies wildly from one visit to the next, but even on its best day, it can't compete with some of the better clubs in the area. If they lower the dance prices, I'll visit more often, but if they stop offering lap dances, they're dead to us. Until either of those two things happens, I'll probably continue to make infrequent visits to grab a beer and check out the talent, leaving disappointed more often than not.

TOTAL SCORE = 45