Club Madonna (South Beach, FL)

Dances (9/20) - These dances could be fairly solid if it weren't for the constant attempts to upsell. I like to sit back and relax during a dance and you can't really do that here. These girls start with the hustle before the songs even start. "It's $25 (on top of the $25 dance fee) for you to touch me, $40 for me to touch you," etc., etc. up to "$300 for me to make you come." I gave the one girl a $10 tip to try end the sales pitch, but she still kept it going throughout the song. She did use her hands over the pants as a sample of what I could get for more cash, so there's contact to be had if you're willing to put up with the bullshit.

Dancers (6.5/10) - Most of these ladies look like the types who'd have been getting free drinks in the bars along Ocean Drive a few years ago, but once they got too old to compete with the 21 year-olds, they brought their talents to this South Beach establishment. The average age seems to be somewhere in the late 20's. Still, if you're willing to overlook the fake tits, most of these girls are reasonably attractive. I always prefer natural breasts of any size over implants, but I must admit that the doctors down here do much more convincing work that you'll find elsewhere in the U.S.

Variety (2.5/5) - There's a decent mix of white and Latina dancers, but you better like thin girls with fake tits and processed hair because that's 90% of what you'll find in here.

Number (8/10) - There are a ton of girls in this place, and even if the club is packed with customers, there are even more dancers. Whether it's a good thing or not, you'll never go more than a minute or two without being approached by one or more dancers.

Attitude (0/10) - I've never seen as much hustle as I found in this club. If these girls have any redeeming qualities, I didn't stay long enough to find them.

Atmosphere (1/10) - They get a point based on the numerous attractive female patrons, but the hustle is such a buzzkill that they don't deserve any more than that. Whether you're ordering a drink, trying to watch the stage action, getting a dance, or doing just about anything else, you'll be fighting off people who are trying to rip you off. If you let your guard down, you'll be taken. If you constantly have your guard up, that makes for a shitty strip club experience. And if that's not enough, the sheer level of douchebaggery in this place is enough to make Ed Hardy blush.

Club Setup (5.5/10) - This is a large room with high ceilings and a lot of couches/benches and small tables throughout. The bar is tiny and the main stage is smaller than you'd expect, though there were several smaller stages throughout the room that were unused while I was there. Some bigger tables and booths would make this place better for larger groups, but the setup is still decent overall.

Dance Setup (3/10) - Dances are given in individual chairs on the second floor of the club. There aren't any barriers between you and the other chairs, so the dancers and other customers who are getting dances have a clear view of you, but at least the people downstairs can't see what you're up to.

Value (0/10) - The advertised drink prices and the $25 dances aren't unreasonable for South Beach, but the prices that they actually charge for drinks, the $20 cover and the upgrade prices for lap dances are ridiculous.

Accessibility (5/5) - Club Madonna is within walking distance of anywhere in South Beach and is particularly close to the Loews Hotel. That's almost a bad thing because it means that you'll be tempted to stop by, but to be fair, I have to give them full credit.

Overall - This club sucks, which is a real shame since it has so much potential. A new manager could make this place solid within about 10 minutes and great within a few weeks, but they just don't have any motivation to put in the effort. They rely on a new batch of tourists each week, and they know that a lot of those tourists will be drunk enough to allow themselves to get ripped off. Even with the more savvy customers, the worst case scenario from the club's perspective is that you'll drop $20 on the cover, ~$10 on a drink and $25 on a dance before realizing what a hole this is and leaving. It's rare that a strip club qualifies as a tourist trap, but Club Madonna certainly does.

TOTAL SCORE = 40.5