Rose's Cantina (Groton, CT)

Quality of Dances (7/20) – These dances were about as good as I expected them to be, which is to say that they weren't very good at all. The only girl that I wasted my cash on rubbed her ass on my lap and was fine with me touching her legs, but she didn't work it all that hard and said that she had "fucked guys up" for inappropriate touching during dances. I'm not sure just how inappropriate you have to be to get fucked up, but the girl looked like she could do some damage in a fight, so I decided against pushing my luck. It's possible that I got a below average girl, but honestly, I'd be shocked if the other girls are any better than the one I sampled. I almost always try at least a few girls to make sure that the dance score is accurate, but the low quality of girls and the ridiculous dance prices made me just stick to one dance at Rose's.

Quality of Dancers (3/10) –  I've seen two mediocre girls and one who was downright sloppy, and even though that's a low sample size, I have a hard time imagining that the other girls are all that impressive either.  Since the girls down the street at the Gold Club seem to make decent money, I assume that most girls would work there if they were hot enough to compete. As with most shitty strip clubs, the two bartenders that I've seen have both been much more attractive than any of the dancers. Unfortunately, they wear shit like long-sleeved plaid shirts, so their hotness is largely wasted.

Number of Dancers (0/10) – During my first visit, there wasn't a single dancer in the place. I almost wrote a review based on that, but figured that a titty bar review based on a tittyless visit wouldn't be much better than a tittyless titty bar, so I bit the bullet and went out of my way to make a second trip to Groton. I guess the second trip was better, but not by much. Three ladies were working this time, but the only way that I knew that for my first 45 minutes in the place was that they walked from the changing room to the front door so they could smoke, then they walked right back to the changing room. They eventually mingled with customers, but the whole situation was unacceptable. Honestly though, this place is better off without dancers because then you can just pretend it's an awesome dive bar instead of a shitty strip club.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – Few girls means little variety.  All white girls means even less variety. Don't get your hopes up for Latinas based on the "Cantina" name; this place is as white as it gets. The little bit of variety comes in the thickness department, with one girl's saggy pickle tits almost hitting the floor when she was on all fours.

Attitude of Dancers (1/10) – This seems like the type of place where all of the dancers would call you "sweetie," but not so much. Hanging out in the back room and taking a group smoke break while a dozen paying customers sit around by themselves is bad enough, but even once the girls graced us with their presence, they still weren't real charmers. The girl that I got a dance from tried to convince me that I should give her a tip because she "gave me an extra half a song." By an extra half a song, apparently she meant the ten seconds of dancing that she did while the previous song faded out. One girl asked where I was from, and when I told her, she gave a sarcastic, "Oh, don't they have any clubs there?" Yeah, they do, but I went two hours out of my way to give this shithole a second chance to redeem itself after my first dancerless visit. Let's just say the redeeming wasn't really happening. And if their attitudes toward customers aren't bad enough, they just seemed like generally nasty people based on the one dancer who stole a tip that I'd left for another girl and another dancer who complained about the "jigaboo noise" that was playing.

Value (2/10) – There's no cover charge and beers are fairly cheap, with 16oz. PBRs for $3 and other bottles starting around $3.50.  That's not bad, but $30 dances are ridiculous for a place like this.

Dance Setup (1/10) –  There are two small booths toward the back of the club that open from the side so that most of the people in the club can't really see what's going on.  The chairs are basically big ugly wooden boxes, the edges are too close to keep you from achieving an optimal spreading of your legs, and they're basically just about as uncomfortable as possible. They do provide for some limited privacy since the chair is around the corner from the door, but the dance setup is really bad overall.

Club Setup (2/10) – The main area has a decent sized bar, 2 pool tables, a dart board, a few TVs and a big buck hunter arcade game.  It's a fairly solid setup for a bar, but then you notice that in the back, there's a little dog-leg section where there's a shitty stage and some chairs.  If you're actually trying to look at girls on stage, it's awkward at best.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – There isn't much of a strip club atmosphere in this place, but as a cantina, I love it.  During my first visit, there was a group of guys rolling dice, a weird old guy in a cowboy hat, and a bunch of other interesting characters all having a good time. 

Club Accessibility (2/5) – The location in a strip mall is kind of strange, but it's easy enough to get to and is right down the road from the Gold Club. There's plenty of parking, but you're almost certainly going to have to drive to get here.

Overall – If I were reviewing dive bars, Rose's Cantina would probably get my seal of approval, but since I'm not, it won't even come close. Actually, I had a much better time here during my first visit when there weren't dancers than during my second visit when there were. Maybe that's a product of different expectations, or maybe it's just the fact that I didn't waste $30 on a dance the first time, but either way, it doesn't say much for a titty bar when it's better without the titties. The Gold Club isn't a great club, but it's an infinitely better option if you're in Groton and are looking to see some attractive topless ladies.

TOTAL SCORE = 25