Sunday, May 22, 2011

La Vie en Proost (Amsterdam)

Quality of Dances (11/20) – If you assumed that these dances would be super aggressive so that La Vie en Proost could try to compete with the surrounding booth girls, you assumed wrong.  The dancers straddle customers and encourage tit grabbing, but there's little to no grind.  I did at least like that you get to choose between sticking with the standard topless dance or upgrading to a nude dance for twice the price.  Overall though, these dances aren't actually that bad, but the fact that there's no grind combined with the knowledge that girls are banging in the booths five feet from the front door to the club makes them an underwhelming experience.    

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – There seems to be a much higher percentage of old girls and fake tits in this place than in the booths surrounding it.  The girls still aren't bad, and one or two are actually very attractive, but it's strange to be in a city where adult entertainers prefer to be prostitutes but switch to stripping if they want to remain in the adult industry but can't compete.  That's basically the opposite of every other city that I've ever been too.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – There are significantly more dancers than customers during the day, and even though it can get packed with guys later in the evening, there are still plenty of girls.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – All of the ladies that I saw at La Vie en Proost were white, though there was at least some variation in age, size, hair color and implant style.  Whether you're a fan of silicone or saline, you're in luck.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – These ladies seem friendly enough, but they're really hard on the sale and will be more than willing to hustle you if you let them.  For example, many of them won't tell you how much the dances cost, instead saying, "just give me what you think I'm worth."  Of course, they'll be happy to let you know how much the dances cost if you think they're worth less than 10 Euros for topless dances or 20 Euros for nude dances.

Value (3/10) – The cover is a reasonable €5, but €6.50 beers and €10 (topless) or  €20 (nude) dances mean that if you pay the cover, buy a drink, and get 2 nude dances, you'll have just blown more money in 6 minutes than you'd have spend to get blown for 15 minutes anywhere else in town. Assuming 3 minutes per dance, the the topless dances are the same price per minute as the surrounding fuck sessions, and they're a bargain compared to the nude dances. Even if you aren't into prostitutes, the result is that you feel like a sucker for paying these prices.

Dance Setup (0/10) – You get your dance on the stool that you're already sitting on at stage side.  Unlike all the other clubs I've ever been too, the girls who are on stage rather than the girls circulating the club are the ones who are ready to give dances.  They just slide off of the stage onto your lap.  It's pretty much the least private dance imaginable.  And it's even worse if you aren't lucky enough to get one of the stools.    

Club Setup (2.5/10) – This is a small, narrow club with 2 bars with wide tops for the girls to dance on.  Unfortunately, there isn't anywhere to sit other than the bar stools at the stages, so, at night, most of the customers have no choice but to stand.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The crowd here is mostly made up of the same douchebags who end up at the peep shows, but what else are you going to do if you want good clean (relative to the surroundings) personal interaction with a naked lady in this town. Still, this place isn't too seedy and is small enough that you can really make your own atmosphere if you're with a decent sized group of guys.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – This place is in the heart of the best part of the Red Light District, so if you're checking out the girls in the windows, you'll be nearby.  It's a little hard to find if you don't know what you're looking for, but just head down the tiny alley (Trompettersteeg) by the Bulldog Coffeeshop near the Oude Kerk and you'll walk right into it.  Just don't turn too soon at La Vie en Rose, because that's not the club.  That's just a very shady group of booths right outside of the club, but I wouldn't recommend going in there at night unless you have a very tight grip on your wallet.

Overall – La Vie en Proost isn't a good strip club, but it's the only game in town, so it may be worth considering if you're in Amsterdam for a guys' weekend and aren't up for actually banging a prostitute.  Just be careful with your cash because hustling ladies and a city full of weed and alcohol is a combination that can quickly lead to an empty wallet.

RAW SCORE = 40.5


  1. Bridgeport CT to Amsterdam---Hell to Heaven? How much of a 180 is possible?

  2. Quality review. I usually budget 250 Euros a night there when by myself. At 50 Euro ago with the red light girls I'd be lying if I said I could do 5 girls in one night. What usually ends up happening is that when you leave you're horny, full of Dutch courage (Heniken) so you see your fav red light girl on the way home too. My tip, if you do end up talking to them and they ask for a drink, give them 20 Euros tell them to buy it themselves as if not they will ask you for a 100 Euro champagne thing.