Sunday, August 14, 2011

Club Onyx (Atlanta, GA)

Quality of Dances (4/20) –  These are a little more variable, but, overall, the dances at Onyx are slightly worse than the useless ones that you'd get at the Pink Pony. Most of the girls alternate between 1 way contact and no contact at all, though some girls try to get a little creative and create a little bit of friction.  One girl even attempted a trick where she put her leg behind her head while standing in front of me, but she lost her balance and fell over right into my lap.  That was by far the most contact that I got at this place.  A few of the girls offer to show you a much better time outside of the club, but I definitely wouldn't go in with the expectation that you'll get that level of service.

Quality of Dancers (9/10) – Good lord, these ladies are blazing.  The top end might have be a notch below the top end at Magic City, but there are 9s everywhere and I haven't seen anyone below a 7.  My only complaint is that there are more breast implants than I'm used to seeing at black clubs and more ass implants than I'm used to seeing anywhere.

Number of Dancers (8/10) – They have well over 50 dancers working on the weekends and there are almost always several girls lined up along the main stage in the center of the club.  The ratio of girls to guys gets less impressive as the night goes on, but that's not a big deal at a place like this where watching the stage is much better than getting a table dance anyway.  Still, if you want a girl to join you, you should never have to wait too long.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – This is a black club with black dancers, so you should go elsewhere if that doesn't do anything for you.  The variety here comes almost exclusively from body types, with thick, think, muscular and jiggly dancers everywhere, and all of that variety is among high quality ladies.  You might think that some of them are a little too large if you're a fan of the Pink Pony girls, but I don't think that anyone would consider these girls fat.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – The attitudes are about average at the start of the night, with a lot of girls being happy to sit and chat, but they steadily decline as the evening goes on and the number of wallets in the building increases.  I've been asked to buy more drinks for dancers here than in all of the other Atlanta clubs combined, and many of them don't even seem appreciative if you do drop $10 for a pathetic looking cocktail in a tiny plastic cup.  One girl asked me to buy her a blue motherfucker, and, from her tone, I honestly couldn't tell whether that was the name of the drink or if it was just called a "blue," and she was referring to me as "motherfucker."  I didn't want to get involved in any drama in this place, so I said I'd get her when the waitress came by, but she said she wanted it immediately so she'd go to the bar to get it and I could give her the cash.  I guess the fact that this is a service industry was lost on her.

Value (5/10) – The drink hustle is a pain in the ass, but everything else is standard for Atlanta, with a $10 cover, $10 table dances and $5 beers.  The stage action isn't quite as good as at Magic City, but it's still very impressive and a good way to take in the sights without blowing through cash.

Dance Setup (0/10) – One girl moved me to a bench along the side wall when the club wasn't busy, but generally, you'll get your dance at your table or wherever you're standing. And if you're here on the weekend, you'll almost certainly be standing.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – Onyx is a fairly large club, particularly compared to what you expect when you see the front of the place because it's much deeper than it is wide.  It's reasonably nice inside, but seating is seriously lacking, especially when the club is busy.  There's a raised couch area off to the right side and a few tall tables near the stage, but you won't get a seat there on the weekend unless you're getting bottle service.  You can at least stand at one of the two bars though, and the view of the stage is pretty decent from everywhere in the club. The stage itself is very long and narrow, allowing the ladies to line up side by side to give you several asses to watch at at time.  The only really odd thing is that the ceilings are fairly low and unfinished, so the girls are up among the heating ducts when they climb the poles.  You'll rarely be looking above their waists anyway though, so you might not even notice that.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – If you enjoy hearing the latest hip hop tracks at an eardrum rattling volume, you'll love this place.  There's a good party vibe and the crowd doesn't seem to be too bad, but the security has been intense ever since a shooting a few years ago.  Since I try to hit the bad clubs as well as the good ones, I've been patted down often.  I've even been checked for a wire (speaking of which, Onyx's bathroom attendant sounds exactly like Clay Davis to the point where I'm sure I'd have given him a big tip to say "Sheeeeeeeeit" if I'd had a few more drinks).  But I've never experienced security like this.  An androgynous creature practically raped me at the entrance, first feeling my pockets, then moving my nuts to the side so it could check my taint for a gun.  If that was a man, and there's about a 50% chance that it was, then I can no longer say that I've never had a gay experience. I admittedly did feel secure once I was inside the place, but I'd rather live dangerously than go through a security check like that.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Onyx is easy to get to from most of downtown Atlanta, is practically walkable from Kamal's 21 and isn't too far from several other decent strip clubs.  It's definitely possible to stop by for a short visit without feeling like you wasted too much time or money getting there.

Overall – This place is like a larger but slightly less classy version of Magic City.  It's a nice place to see some of the most beautiful black women in the world, just don't expect quality dances or a relaxing atmosphere, because you won't find either here.  I'll stop by occasionally since it's on the way to better clubs, but it will never be my primary destination for a night out in Atlanta.


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