Satin Dolls (Lodi, NJ)

Quality of Dances (5/20) – The grinding can be very nice, but there are two things that prevent this score from being any higher: 1) other than a little hand-to-leg touching, the contact goes only in one direction; and, 2) the bikinis stay on.  As if I needed something else to hate about New Jersey, the no nudity in a club that serves alcohol rule is brutal.

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – I’ve been told that the quality can be seriously lacking when the club is slow, but it’s been amazing during my late night visits.  They’ve almost all be young, fresh and in good shape.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – Like the dancer quality, I’ve heard that the number of dancers can vary wildly, but there have been more than enough girls working every time I’ve been there.  In addition to the two girls on the stage, there have been several girls doing the tip walk and several more working the crowd. 

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – There are a ton of Russians on the evening shift, and everyone else is white or Italian, or possibly Latinas who could pass for Italians.  I really couldn’t tell but then again, I’ve perfected judging topless women and these bikinis threw me off my game. 

Attitudes (1/10) – Dancer: “ Wannadance?” Me: “No thanks.” Dancer: “Wanna give me a tip?”  And repeat, over and over and over again from every Russian in the building.  The only extended interaction that I witnessed was a girl talking about how bad one customer smelled.  That wouldn’t be too unusual, except that she was talking to him about it.  And by “talking,” I mean saying things like, “you’re making me sick.”  In her defense, he did smell like he’d just bathed in gasoline, but that’s still shockingly bad customer service. 

Value (4/10) – The pole work is fairly impressive, but I’ve seen much better acrobatics at Cirque de Soleil.  You might think that’s an unfair comparison, but since these ladies wear just as much clothing as the circus performers, I think it’s justified.  Similarly, the $5 beers are decent for a strip club but not so good for a tittiless establishment.  And this place is tittiless.

Club Setup (3/10) – If you’re a Sopranos fan, you already know how the club is designed because this is where all of the Bada Bing scenes were filmed.  There’s a pool table off to the side, but the main area is a decent sized high ceilinged room that’s mostly filled by the large square bar.  There’s a stage a few feet away from customers in the middle of the bar, so you’ll have to ball up your ones and throw them if you want to tip during the dance.  If not, don’t worry, you’ll still get your chance to fork over some cash during the constant tip walks. 

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – You can’t see the dance area from the main club area, but that’s the only good thing that I have to say about it.  It’s a long narrow corral that’s lined on both sides with rolly chairs, so you’ll be staring right at another guy when it’s busy. 

Atmosphere (5.5/10) – Despite the constant interruptions from the tip walk crew, this is a fairly fun place to hang out.  There’s a party vibe in the evenings and crowd is decent, so it’s not a bad option if you want the Hooters experience without having to pay for shitty chicken wings.  

Location (3.5/5) – You can see Satin Dolls from I-80,  but there’s really no easy way to get there.  The entrance is off of Route 17S and it’s a real pain in the ass to get to if you drive past, so slow down and start looking to your right after you pass under I-80.  Once you get there, though, there is at least plenty of parking. 

Overall – If this place were topless, I’d say that it’s worth a visit as long as you’re capable of fighting off the Russian hustle.  The girls are hot, the beers are reasonably price, the vibe is good and the dances are decent, but the bikinis really kill it for me.  I’ll reluctantly stumble to a bikini bar during a drunken night out in Atlantic City, but I’m not navigating the maze of highways in northern Jersey to get to this place.  It might be worth a visit if you’re a die hard Sopranos fan, but, otherwise, save your cash or drive the 10 minutes to a state where you can enjoy some partial nudity with your beer. 

RAW SCORE = 39