Chicas Bonitas (North Las Vegas, NV)

Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – These are some of the most aggressive lap dances that I’ve gotten in Las Vegas. There’s great grinding, upper and lower body two-way contact is encouraged (my hand was moved straight to one girl’s crotch despite me having neither the intention nor the interest in reaching down there), and the girls that I got dances from were active with their hands and mouths over the pants. Extras would be difficult given the lack of privacy, but I wouldn’t be shocked to find out that some of these girls offer them anyway.

Quality of Dancers (2/10) – Sadly, there was nothing bonita about these chicas. Out of the eight dancers who were working when I stopped by, only 2 would have been above a 5 on the 0-10 non-dancer scale, and there would a few who could not have paid me to accept a dance.  

Number of Dancers (3/10) – There were nearly as many dancers as customers during my afternoon visit, but I can’t give them too much credit since there were only two attractive ladies in the building. You shouldn’t have to wait too long for attention since the regulars don’t seem to be big spenders, but you’re out of luck if you’re hoping to have a lot of beauties to choose from.   

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – There’s a nice mix of thin and very thick black and Latina dancers, but there are exactly as many white dancers as you would expect from a club called Chicas Bonitas.

Attitudes (6/10) – Despite the fact that this is a neighborhood type of place where everyone is treated well, these ladies had a hard edge to them that prevented me from wanting to get into any long conversations. They’re not unfriendly, but I don’t think you’ll be making any real connections with these dancers.

Value (7/10) – For Vegas, it’s hard to complain about no cover charge, $4.50 drinks and $10 table dances, and even the $25 lap dances in the back aren’t a bad deal. If you’ve blown all your money at the casinos and the more upscale clubs, this might not be a bad place to stretch a buck if you care more about a bargain than you do about your personal safety.   

Club Setup (1.5/10) – There’s a brightly lit main stage in the front, a large bar with TVs showing soccer games in the back, and a ton of uncomfortable chairs with wraparound tables attached throughout the club. Those chair/table combos were annoying enough in elementary school, but in a strip club where women should be sitting on your lap, they’re completely inexcusable. 

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Dances are given in a back room that’s mostly separated from the main room by a curtain, but the curtain is somewhat sheer and there’s a big opening in the middle where people can look in, and the bouncer pokes his head in once per song to make sure that you aren’t haven’t too much fun. A soft bench goes around the perimeter of the back room so there are plenty of choices of places to sit, but there’re no dividers or anything else to block the view of other people who are getting dances. Luckily, table dances seem to be a more popular option than real lap dances, so you shouldn’t have too much company in the dance room if you do decide to go back there.

Atmosphere (0/10) – I enjoyed the mix of hip hop and Latin music, but that’s pretty much the only good thing I can say about the atmosphere in here. Seeing a shoving match and a drunk guy passed out in the club without management reacting in any way whatsoever would be bad enough at night, but it’s just ridiculous to witness that during the day shift. If you do go here, I strongly encourage you to do so before the sun goes down, because I got the impression that this is the kind of place where some of the customers could get a little stabby at night.

Location (1.5/5) – It’s right down the street from the Palomino (the only nude Las Vegas club that serves alcohol) and is right across the street from a relatively small casino, but Chicas Bonitas is pretty far out of the way if you’re staying on the Strip or even on Freemont Street.

Overall – Chicas Bonitas is the type of place where, if you’re murdered, no one will feel bad for you. It’s kind of what you expect to have happen when you go to a place called Chicas Bonitas in North Las Vegas. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are many strip clubs that I love so much that I’m willing to visit even if it means that I have to risk dying a death that will bring shame upon my family. It’s just that Chicas Bonitas is not one of them.  If you’re in this neighborhood and are desperate to hit a club, go to the Palomino and let me know what you think. I still haven’t been there, but it has to be better than this dump.

RAW SCORE = 39.5

Rick's Cabaret (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (3/20) – These are supposedly “no contact” dances, and even though that’s not entirely true, customers will not be touching dancers at all and there is absolutely no grinding.  The only reason to get a dance is to get a closer look at the dancers, but you can do that for much cheaper at the stage. 

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – The girls here aren’t exactly my type, but I suspect that they will be for many of you.  You’re not going to find enhanced, thin, white girls who look much better than this. 

Number of Dancers (4/10) – They had one girl on the main stage, one girl working the crowd and one girl on the back stage for most of my visit.  It was 2am on a Sunday so I’ll cut them some slack, but it was during Jazz Fest, so I’d hoped for more. 

Variety of Dancers (0.5/5) –  I saw a few hot brunettes among the largely blond workforce, but you aren’t going to be pleased unless you like thin white girls.

Attitudes (3/10) – These ladies are all about the cash and they don’t make much of an effort to disguise that fact.  Of course, I’d be all about the cash too if I was dealing with suckers like the wannabe high rollers who spend time here.    

Value (1/10) – The $10 cover isn’t too bad, but the $8 Miller Lite (with no offer for change on the $10 that I handed to the waitress), the $20 table dances, and the $60 “semi-private” dances on the main floor are ridiculous. 

Club Setup (6.5/10) – This is a classy, moderate sized place with exposed brick walls that somehow make it look more like an above average comedy club than a strip joint.  There’s a decent main stage in the main area where there’s a long stand-up bar and several small tables with rolly chairs, there’s another small stage in the back, and there’s a VIP area behind the main stage.  That area has a nice bar and a bunch of tables, but it takes up way too much of the limited floor space in this club. 

Dance Setup (0/10) – The $20 dances are given at your table with absolutely no privacy.  The “semi-private” dance setup is better, but I’m not giving them any credit for that because fuck a $60 dance.

Atmosphere (7/10) – The music and lighting are both solid, so this place could work for a good time with the right group of guys.  And if you’ve got a girlfriend who has never been to a strip club but wants to feel like she did something crazy in New Orleans, this place is sufficiently non-threatening that it could be perfect. 

Location (5/5) – You’ll never find a better location for a strip club than Bourbon Street.  If you stop by and aren’t impressed, there are always a dozen other clubs within walking distance. 

Overall – An overpriced club with worthless lap dances and skinny white chicks has little appeal to me, so I won’t be back.

RAW SCORE = 38.5

Penthouse Tampa (Tampa, FL)

Dance Quality (4/20) - There's some minimal contact during these dances, but there's no grinding and you can't really touch the lades other than maybe by putting your hands on their hips.  If you're expecting the contact that Tampa is famous for, you're going to be disappointed, because that's largely confined to the nude, alcohol-free joints.  

Dancer Quality (8/10) - All of the dancers at the Penthouse club are fairly attractive and fall within the 7-9 range.  I didn't see a single dancer that I'd go out of my way to avoid.  This is a pastie club, but they're small enough that it doesn't really detract from your enjoyment of the beautiful bodies.

Number (4/10) - There were around a dozen girls working when I stopped by on a Thursday night, which wasn't really enough for the crowd but still kept the stage rotation fresh since they only had one girl up there at a time.  

Variety (3/10) - I didn't see any thick girls in here, but there were still enough curves to keep it interesting, and there was a nice mix of natural tits and implants.  Most of the ladies are white, but the few black and Asian dancers who are mixed in are very attractive.

Attitudes (4/10) - These ladies are decent in general, but many of them aren't straight with you about the real price of dances.  They'll say it's $30, but after fees to the club, it ends up being $40 for the first one.  My other complaint is that there's a huge focus on regulars, so you're going to have to be patient if you're a first-timer looking for dances.  On the bright side, the waitresses are scantily clad and are amazingly friendly.

Value (2/10) - With $30 dances and a $10 fee for admission to the dance area, this place would be a poor value even if they gave away beers and let you in for free.  Unfortunately, they don't.  There's a $10 cover, a $3 mandatory valet fee and $5 beers.  The beers are a bargain on Mondays and any weekdays before 9pm when they're 2-for-1, but the stage value is mediocre at best, with minimal pole moves and impersonal floor work. 

Club Setup (4/10) - This place is much smaller than other Penthouse clubs than I've been to, but there's still a nice, decent sized bar, a restaurant in a raised area in the back, and plenty of seats throughout the room, all with a good view of the only stage.  It's less than ideal for groups of more than 3 or 4, but it's decent for solo outings or a night out with one or two buddies.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) - Dances are given on couches in a raised area in the back of the club.  Beads and the backs of other couches partially block the view from the main area of the club, but the bouncer who stands at the entrance of this area kills any hope that you'll have some privacy.    

Atmosphere (6/10) - Maybe it's just because the other top Tampa clubs don't serve alcohol, but I really enjoy the atmosphere at this place. It's less formal than some of the other Penthouse clubs that I've been to, but it's still clean and safe and they play lots of accessible music at a reasonable volume.  It's less formal than some of the other Penthouse clubs, and it can get boring if you stay too long, but as a place to have a few beers before heading home or to another club, it's excellent.

Location (3.5/5) - Penthouse is right down the street from Thee Dollhouse and is near the airport, plus it's not too far from Mons Venus and 2001 Odyssey.

Overall - If I only had one or two nights in Tampa, I'd spend my time at Mons Venus and 2001 Odyssey, but Penthouse is an acceptable option if you need alcohol more than you need lap dances.  

TOTAL SCORE = 39

Mr. Happy's (Waterbury, CT)

Quality of dances (9/20) – You aren't going to get away with much more than a hand on the girl's leg, but most of the girls have the skill and the willingness to give some decent knee grind action. The dances aren't good enough to justify coming here, but they're not so bad that they should keep you away if it otherwise sounds like your kind of place.

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – The ladies here are generally not Connecticut's finest, but the quality has gone up significantly over the past few years.  You aren't going to find many girls who would rate as an 8 or above, but there are plenty of girls in the 5-7 range.

Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – There usually seems to be a decent dancer-to-customer ratio, but that's more due to the lack of customers than it is to anything else. During my most recent visit on a Friday night, I only saw six dancers, and at least two of them were in the dressing room at all times.  That wouldn't be so bad, but the fact that they only have one girl on stage at a time combined with the unusually long stage sets means that you'll quickly tire of whatever girls they do have.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – You're going to find a mix of white, black and Brazilian girls at Mr. Happy's.  The white girls mostly are the tattooed, hard rock types, but there's enough variety to satisfy most tastes.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – Other than some dancers complaining about a lack of tips, the big problem here is that this is very much a locals place, so you're not going to get a whole lot of attention if you're an outsider.  The ladies are relatively friendly if you do manage to get their attention, but good luck with that.

Value (5/10) – There's a $7 cover on weekend nights, beers are $5, and the stage action is above average, with most girls displaying a mix of floor work and pole moves.  Unfortunately, the $25 dances aren't worth nearly that much.

Dance Setup (1/10) – There's a small elevated area in one corner of the club for dances, but there's nothing to keep everyone in the place from watching you. If you're unlucky enough to be getting a dance at the same time as someone else, you'll be very close to them with no barriers at all.

Club Setup (3/10) – The club setup isn't great, but it has improved drastically over the past few years. They have a very large nice stage in the center of the room, a decent bar along the one wall, and about a half dozen small tables around the club.  It's a small place, so you'll have a good view of the stage no matter where you are, but since the vast majority of the seats are at the stage, that may be where you have to sit there if it's busy.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Mr. Happy's is a dive bar type of club where you'll find a very mixed crowd and hear some very mixed music.  I heard everything from hard rock/metal to top 40 R&B, and you'll see guys in the crowd who seem to go along with each of those types of music.  Overall, though, the crowd is decent, and I've never felt threatened.  It's certainly a less intimidating crowd than you'd find down the street at Peek-a-Boos.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Mr. Happy's isn't far from the interstate or downtown Waterbury, but I don't think you'd be able to find lodging anywhere near here.

Overall – Mr. Happy's is much better than it was a few years ago, a lot of people seem to like it, and it's unquestionably the best club in Waterbury, but it's still a below average club that isn't worth going out of your way for.

TOTAL SCORE = 38

Cheaters (Providence, RI)

Quality of dances (15/20) – The actual dances here aren't that great, but if you're looking for more than that, you'll find it. Actually, you don't even have to look. You'll be fighting off girls who are offering blow jobs and more from the second you walk in the door.

Quality of dancers (2/10) – In the afternoons, there are at least a few gems sprinkled in amongst the beasts. In the evenings, not so much.

Number of dancers (6/10) – There isn't a whole lot of quality to choose from, but there are somewhere around 20 girls working most of the time.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4.5/5) – They come in all colors, shapes, and sizes at Cheaters.

Attitude of Dancers (0/10) – Every girl claims that the dances cost a different amount. They'll purposely miscount the number of songs that have played. They'll try to get you to prepay for dances. They'll leave in the middle of a song if they get called to the stage, and they'll still expect you to pay the full amount ("I'll just finish the dance at the stage"). And if you turn down their offers for extras, they'll insult you and say that you're a cheap bastard. And don't think that getting a dance will get them to stop with the sales pitch; they'll just try to get you to pay more to go to the nude room or to a private booth.

Value (2/10) - The $5 cover and $5 cans of beer are both reasonable, but all the crazy fees add up to make dances a very poor value. They no longer offer lap dances on the topless side of the club, so you're going to have to pay the $10 fee to get into the nude side before you can get any dances.  Then you'll have to buy a $10 ticket every time that you want to get a dance, so you're $20 in the hole before you even start negotiating with the girl about her fee. I was quoted anywhere from $20 to $50 per song, on top of the other charges. The songs are long, but you need to make them count as they go, because they'll overcharge you otherwise. If you're looking for more than dances, though, the price is much more reasonable.  It's still $10 to get to the nude side plus $35 for the booth and whatever you negotiate with the girl for pretty much whatever you want to do.  $100 seems to be pretty standard, though the few attractive ladies may ask for more than that.

Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in a big open room that is visible to people in the nude part of the club. There are doors on the private dance booths, but I'm never in the mood to burn my clothes, so I still haven't personally checked the booths out.

Club Setup (2/10) - There's not much of anywhere to sit other than at the stage, where you'd have to tip one of the uglier women you've ever seen, or at the bar, where you'll be harassed until you get a dance or leave. There is a little more space upstairs, but there isn't usually much going on up there except some scary looking dudes playing pool.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) - This place has all the charm of a dark alley, which, coincidentally, is where most of the girls probably work when they aren't at the club.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Cheaters isn't downtown, but it's just a short cab ride away.

Overall - Cheaters barely qualifies as a strip club, but if I have to rate it as one, I'd say it sucks. On the other hand, if you like streetwalkers but don't have the patience to drive around looking for them, you'll love this place.

TOTAL SCORE = 37

Rio Strip Bar (Prague, Czech Republic)

Quality of Dances (10/20) – The dances at Rio are about standard for the sex-free Prague clubs – the girls get naked and allow full two-way contact, but don’t grind much at all.  These dances are a little less enjoyable than at the other places, though, because you have to spend the entire time shooting down the dancers’ requests for you to buy more time.  Don’t fall for it. In my drunken stupor, I allowed myself to be talked into getting an “erotic massage,” which ended up just being a longer version of the lapdances except that the girl covered herself in lotion and I rubbed in in for a few seconds.  I guess that’s somewhat erotic, but it was definitely no massage. 

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – I don’t think you’ll ever find unattractive girls in Prague, in or our of the strip clubs, but these ladies are a step below those in the other Wenceslas Square area clubs.

Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – This is a small club, so even though there isn’t a huge number of dancers, there’s plenty to ensure that you’re accompanied and/or harassed throughout your visit. 

Variety of Dancers (0/5) – As in most of the other Prague clubs, there isn’t a whole lot of racial or body type diversity at Rio.  You better like your ladies white and thin, because that’s all they’ve got.

Attitudes (0/10) – The hustle is off the charts in here. It’s obvious that they’re relying on ripping off a new set of tourists each night rather than cultivating repeat business, because they’re constantly trying to sell you the next dance (even if you’ve just started your first dance) and the next drink (even if you’ve just bought them one).  It’s especially bad since, unlike at the other Prague clubs, the lady drink prices are not clearly displayed and they will not tell you the prices unless you ask, so drunken visitors who don’t know any better get quite a shock when the bill comes. 

Value (0.5/10) – The prices are all about what you’d expect for a tourist trap strip club.  The 500 czk (about $25 US) cover charge is good for 2 shots, the stage value is ok, and beers are 150 czk each, but the dances are outrageously priced, with the cheapest option going for 1650 czk and the “erotic massage” being 2500 czk.  For comparison, you can get laid for less than that at several of the Prague clubs.  When you add in the fact that they’re constantly trying to hustle you and you’re not going to be in the best of mental states for fighting off the hustle, this ends up being the last place I’d go if I were trying to stretch a dollar.  Though, truthfully, it’s the last place I’d go no matter what I was trying to do.  

Club Setup (2/10) – Rio is a tiny club with a main room that has some chairs and a few couches around a small stage and a separate bar area in the back. Even with mirrored walls to make it seem larger than it is, it’s still claustrophobic. The seating is fairly limited, so you might end up sitting with other groups, but all the hustling means there’s enough turnover that you shouldn’t be stuck with them for too long.   

Dance Setup (10/10) – You get a private room for dances, so I don’t have any complaints here.  I believe that each dance room is a little different, but they all have chairs or couches and at least some of them have mirrored walls so you can view your girl from different angles.  You really can’t get a better dance setup than this. 

Atmosphere (2/10) – There’s actually a bit of a party vibe in here, surely aided by all the drunken bachelor partiers who haven’t yet realized that their tab will be for 10s of thousands of Czech crowns, but having to be on guard for scams is no way for the informed strip club goer to party or relax.

Location (5/5) – Rio is in the main alley that runs from Wenceslas Square to the Old Town Square.  It’s tourist central, which might make you tempted to poke your head inside, but remember that there are a half dozen better clubs within a five minute walk of here.

Overall – Rio is a tourist trap that preys on uninformed and inebriated foreigners.  I can’t speak to the inebriated part, but you’re no longer uninformed, so do not go here.

RAW SCORE = 40