Oasis (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (12/20) – These are fairly good dances, with a decent grind, some over the pants contact, and plenty of tit grabbing encouragement.  Plus several of the girls were intent on kissing my nipples.  That isn’t really my thing, but I guess it’s good to know that it’s available for those who want it.  I’m worried that this score might be too high because it looked like everyone else was getting a fairly mediocre experience, but whether I got lucky or chose well or was just irresistible to the ladies, at least you know it is possible to have a good time here.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – A few of the girls were a little sloppy, but most of them were decent and a few were stunning.  The black dancers and blondes, in particular, were gorgeous, especially considering that the bright lighting exposes any flaws that are present.   

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They have two girls on stage at a time during prime time, but there usually aren’t a whole lot of girls working the crowd.  It’s sufficient, but just barely.

Variety of Dancers (3.5/5) – Most of the girls are white, but there have been some stunning black dancers working during each of my visits, and I’ve always found good size variation. 

Attitudes (1.5/10) – Like at many of the Philly clubs, the tip walk is brutal at Oasis.  I understand why they need to do it since tipping at the stage is difficult if not impossible, but the way that they stand and stare until you tip even if you’re deep in conversation is a little over the top.  One girl even stood behind the bartender and waited until I’d placed my initial drink order before informing me that she’d just gotten off stage before I’d walked in so I should give her a tip.  Seriously?  Even putting aside the tip walk, these girls left a lot to be desired.  Most seemed angry, all asked for tips, and one was intolerable with trying to sell multiple dances by repeating “so you’re just buying 1?” until I agreed to buy a second dance, then repeating “so you’re just buying 2?” until I got up in the middle of the second dance and left.   

Value (7/10) – The $10 cover isn’t too bad and it’s free if you have tickets to a local sporting event, and beers are very reasonable with 2-for-$6 Miller Light specials at times ($5 each otherwise). The $20 dances are a decent value too, the stage action is pretty mediocre, but, even though the constantly approaching tip walkers hurt the value, the fact that the ladies take the tips in their cleavage at least gives you a little something for your money.  

Club Setup (4/10) – Almost all of the seats in here are at the huge bar, and you’ll be looking at the girls on the stages about five feet away from you inside the bar.  Thankfully, there are also a few tables along the other walls and some couches in a raised area that allow you to avoid the tip walk, and there’s also a small stage along the back wall, though I’ve never seen anyone dancing on it.  Overall, this is a clean enough club, but the fact that it’s a little worn is only made more evident by the ridiculously bright lighting and over the top black lights.  There are lots of TVs and a few big screens, so it could be a decent place to watch a game, but don’t wear your white Phillies jersey in here unless you feel like glowing. 

Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in a separate room in the back, and there are several benches with small but adequate dividers between you and anyone else who’s getting a dance.  People who are walking by can see everything and half of the benches have no privacy at all, but no one faces the three benches in the back so they’re fairly private.  If you pick a good dancer, you’ll almost certainly get one of the good benches, and if you don’t, the dance will be so lame that you won’t really care about privacy anyway. 

Atmosphere (4/10) – The tip walk detracts from what should otherwise be a fairly decent atmosphere for hanging out for a while after a game or before a flight.  The crowd is very mixed, with lots of business travelers who are staying nearby at the airport, plenty of partiers, and a few slightly rougher characters.  

Location (3/5) – Oasis is southwest of downtown Philadelphia, but isn’t too far of a drive, and is easily taxiable from the airport.  You aren’t going to be walking to get there, but there are at least options if you get too drunk to drive home. 

Overall – Oasis isn’t a great club, but it’s among the best in Philadelphia, and it may be your best option if you’re looking for decent dances from attractive dancers and are hoping to save a few bucks compared to a visit to the Penthouse Club. 

RAW SCORE = 52.5

Mr. Happy's (Waterbury, CT)

Quality of dances (9/20) – You aren't going to get away with much more than a hand on the girl's leg, but most of the girls have the skill and the willingness to give some decent knee grind action. The dances aren't good enough to justify coming here, but they're not so bad that they should keep you away if it otherwise sounds like your kind of place.

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – The ladies here are generally not Connecticut's finest, but the quality has gone up significantly over the past few years.  You aren't going to find many girls who would rate as an 8 or above, but there are plenty of girls in the 5-7 range.

Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – There usually seems to be a decent dancer-to-customer ratio, but that's more due to the lack of customers than it is to anything else. During my most recent visit on a Friday night, I only saw six dancers, and at least two of them were in the dressing room at all times.  That wouldn't be so bad, but the fact that they only have one girl on stage at a time combined with the unusually long stage sets means that you'll quickly tire of whatever girls they do have.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – You're going to find a mix of white, black and Brazilian girls at Mr. Happy's.  The white girls mostly are the tattooed, hard rock types, but there's enough variety to satisfy most tastes.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – Other than some dancers complaining about a lack of tips, the big problem here is that this is very much a locals place, so you're not going to get a whole lot of attention if you're an outsider.  The ladies are relatively friendly if you do manage to get their attention, but good luck with that.

Value (5/10) – There's a $7 cover on weekend nights, beers are $5, and the stage action is above average, with most girls displaying a mix of floor work and pole moves.  Unfortunately, the $25 dances aren't worth nearly that much.

Dance Setup (1/10) – There's a small elevated area in one corner of the club for dances, but there's nothing to keep everyone in the place from watching you. If you're unlucky enough to be getting a dance at the same time as someone else, you'll be very close to them with no barriers at all.

Club Setup (3/10) – The club setup isn't great, but it has improved drastically over the past few years. They have a very large nice stage in the center of the room, a decent bar along the one wall, and about a half dozen small tables around the club.  It's a small place, so you'll have a good view of the stage no matter where you are, but since the vast majority of the seats are at the stage, that may be where you have to sit there if it's busy.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Mr. Happy's is a dive bar type of club where you'll find a very mixed crowd and hear some very mixed music.  I heard everything from hard rock/metal to top 40 R&B, and you'll see guys in the crowd who seem to go along with each of those types of music.  Overall, though, the crowd is decent, and I've never felt threatened.  It's certainly a less intimidating crowd than you'd find down the street at Peek-a-Boos.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Mr. Happy's isn't far from the interstate or downtown Waterbury, but I don't think you'd be able to find lodging anywhere near here.

Overall – Mr. Happy's is much better than it was a few years ago, a lot of people seem to like it, and it's unquestionably the best club in Waterbury, but it's still a below average club that isn't worth going out of your way for.

TOTAL SCORE = 38