Penthouse (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (11.5/20) – The dances at Penthouse are slightly better than what you’ll find at most of the Bourbon Street joints.  There’s two-way contact, hands on the tits is generally ok, and most of the girls provide a little bit of a grind.  It’s nothing too crazy, but it’s enough to make these dances at least somewhat enjoyable.

Quality of Dancers (9/10) – The quality of ladies at Penthouse is as good or better than anywhere else in New Orleans.  They’re hot, most of them have natural breasts, and, unlike at many of the New Orleans clubs, the white ladies are just as hot as the sisters.  

Number of Dancers (7.5/10) – There were two girls on stage and several working the crowd during my visit.  Getting a girl’s attention was never a problem.

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of these ladies are white and relatively thin, but they do at least have a few black dancers and a mix of blondes and brunettes.

Attitudes (6.5/10) – There’s some hustle here, but it’s not over the top and is certainly not as bad as at most of the Bourbon Street clubs.  Of course they don’t really care why you’re in New Orleans, but they’re good at making you think that they do, and that’s all you can really ask for.   

Value (2/10) – The $11 cover isn’t too bad, but $7.25 beers, $20 table dances and $40 real dances are all pretty rough. 

Club Setup (8/10) – This is a classy and relatively spacious club.  There are two small stages, some stage side rolly chairs, and a bunch of small high top tables. The main bar is fairly nice and is off to the side, and there’s another bar in the back with a built in stage. There aren’t really enough chairs for weekend nights when it can get packed, but the setup is still pretty good overall.    

Dance Setup (3/10) – If you get a dance upstairs, it will be in a booth with decently wide walls on the side.  The bouncer checks on you periodically, but no one else has a great view of what you’re up to unless they happen to be walking by.

Atmosphere (8/10) – There’s a good party atmosphere at Penthouse, and it’s generally my favorite place in the area to hang out.  Whether you’re flying solo or with a group of guys, this place should be a good time.

Location (5/5) – Penthouse is right around the corner from Bourbon Street, so you should be staying nearby and you’ve got a ton of other strip clubs and bars to chose from within walking distance.   

Overall – Penthouse is my favorite club in the French Quarter.  The girls are hot, the dances are decent and the atmosphere is solid, and that’s pretty much all I can ask for.   

RAW SCORE = 62

Rick's Cabaret (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (3/20) – These are supposedly “no contact” dances, and even though that’s not entirely true, customers will not be touching dancers at all and there is absolutely no grinding.  The only reason to get a dance is to get a closer look at the dancers, but you can do that for much cheaper at the stage. 

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – The girls here aren’t exactly my type, but I suspect that they will be for many of you.  You’re not going to find enhanced, thin, white girls who look much better than this. 

Number of Dancers (4/10) – They had one girl on the main stage, one girl working the crowd and one girl on the back stage for most of my visit.  It was 2am on a Sunday so I’ll cut them some slack, but it was during Jazz Fest, so I’d hoped for more. 

Variety of Dancers (0.5/5) –  I saw a few hot brunettes among the largely blond workforce, but you aren’t going to be pleased unless you like thin white girls.

Attitudes (3/10) – These ladies are all about the cash and they don’t make much of an effort to disguise that fact.  Of course, I’d be all about the cash too if I was dealing with suckers like the wannabe high rollers who spend time here.    

Value (1/10) – The $10 cover isn’t too bad, but the $8 Miller Lite (with no offer for change on the $10 that I handed to the waitress), the $20 table dances, and the $60 “semi-private” dances on the main floor are ridiculous. 

Club Setup (6.5/10) – This is a classy, moderate sized place with exposed brick walls that somehow make it look more like an above average comedy club than a strip joint.  There’s a decent main stage in the main area where there’s a long stand-up bar and several small tables with rolly chairs, there’s another small stage in the back, and there’s a VIP area behind the main stage.  That area has a nice bar and a bunch of tables, but it takes up way too much of the limited floor space in this club. 

Dance Setup (0/10) – The $20 dances are given at your table with absolutely no privacy.  The “semi-private” dance setup is better, but I’m not giving them any credit for that because fuck a $60 dance.

Atmosphere (7/10) – The music and lighting are both solid, so this place could work for a good time with the right group of guys.  And if you’ve got a girlfriend who has never been to a strip club but wants to feel like she did something crazy in New Orleans, this place is sufficiently non-threatening that it could be perfect. 

Location (5/5) – You’ll never find a better location for a strip club than Bourbon Street.  If you stop by and aren’t impressed, there are always a dozen other clubs within walking distance. 

Overall – An overpriced club with worthless lap dances and skinny white chicks has little appeal to me, so I won’t be back.

RAW SCORE = 38.5