Visions (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (16/20) – You’ll get an excellent grind, some over the pants hand action and possibly even some teasing with the mouth, and two way contact is standard.  Pretty much all of the ladies tolerate some tit groping, and most of them even encourage it.  If you’re looking for more than that, I was quoted $175 for 20 minutes in the “party room.”  No one was explicit about what goes on in the party room, but I was told that “what happens in there stays in there” and that the fee is good for “anything but sex,” whatever that means.

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – There may be a few 8s and 9s, but this is mostly a 6 and 7 type of place.  Still, despite the presence of a few post-pregnancy bellies, I didn’t see anyone bad and was generally pleased with the quality.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They usually have about 3 dancers on stage at a time and there are several girls working the crowd, but it’s more of a place for locals, so I wouldn’t expect quick attention if you aren’t one.  

Variety of Dancers (3.5/5) – I’ve seen a good mix of thick and thin black and white girls, but there don’t seem to be many, if any, Asians or Latinas in here.

Attitudes (8/10) – The ladies here are chatty, very low pressure, and basically the opposite of what you’d find on Bourbon Street.  One girl gave me an unsolicited tour of the club, another alerted me when I unknowingly dropped a few dollars on the floor, and pretty much all of them wait for a new song before starting a dance.  The girls do go from one person to the next while on stage and expect a tip, but it’s much better than the usual tip walk since they stop and shake it for a buck.    

Value (8/10) – There’s an $8 cover at night ($4 during the day), but you get a free drink ticket with that, so it’s really like a $4 cover at night and free during the day.  Beers are $4, mixed drinks are $6, and dances are $20 or $30, depending on where you want it, which is very reasonable since they play fairly long songs.

Club Setup (3/10) – This is not a classy club, but it’s a decent setup if you’re just looking for a place to down some beers and watch some girls.  There’s a huge “M” shaped stage that fills most of the room, attached stools around the bar (but slightly too far away from it), and really nowhere else to sit, though you can play pool in the back.  They do have some TVs, but they’re too small and/or too far from the people who can see them for anyone to really bother watching. 

Dance Setup (7/10) – For $20, you can sit on a shitty, uncomfortable bench that lines the brightly lit communal room.  The three corner seats are poor, but everywhere else is unacceptable.  Still, I’ll give them a decent score here since you can upgrade for just $10 more to your own room.  The rooms have open doors, but they’re angled in a way that makes them pretty solid, especially if you get one of the two in the back.   

Atmosphere (7/10) – You shouldn’t bring a girlfriend or a business partner here, but I really liked the atmosphere in a total dive bar strip club sort of way.  There’s a good mix of music, a decent crowd, friendly male bartenders and they’ve got the least pushy shot girl ever.  She barely even slowed down as she walked by and halfheartedly said, “shot?”  This is definitely a place that I’d hang out for a while.  

Location (3/5) – The location is the only real drawback of Visions since you’re not going to be walking here from anywhere that you’re likely to be staying if you’re from out of town.  It’s about a $20 fifteen minute cab ride from the French Quarter, which is a bit of a pain in the ass, but you can more than make up that lost money by getting one drink and two dances here that you’d have otherwise gotten on Bourbon Street. 

Overall – Visions is everything that a shithole dive bar strip club should be.  It is, by far, my favorite club in New Orleans.

RAW SCORE = 67.5