Notes on Visions Men's Club (New Orleans, LA)

As I mentioned in my Penthouse Detroit post, I'm clearing out some old notes. I'm just going to post them as is, so they won't be in full sentence and may not make any sense at all, but hopefully they're of some use to you. Just keep in mind that these aren't proper reviews - they may have been based on only 1 or 2 visits that probably took place 2-3 years ago, and I may have been extremely intoxicated. 

Value (8/10) $8 cover with one drink ticket at night ($4 with a drink ticket during the day), , $4 domestics, $6 mixed drinks. Dances are $20 per song in the communal room, $30 in booths 

Club Setup (3/10) Huge M shaped bar/stage combo snakes through the room, a few pool tables in the back, fairly large club but a little run down. Bar stools attached to the floor and a little too far from bar so slightly uncomfortable. Nowhere else to sit. A few TVs but too small and/or too far from people who can see them to really watch much (not that you'd want to). I was told standing room only on weekend nights, but maybe a quarter full at prime time on a Sunday during jazz fest.

 

Atmosphere (7/10) Good mix of music. Mixed but reasonably decent crowd. Male bartenders, but at least they're. Least pushy shot girl ever asked "shot?" while walking by, barely slowing down. Dive bar strip club in the best possible way. Need a dart board to complete the effect though. 

Variety (3.5/5) Good mix of black and white, thick and thin but not many/any Asians or Latinas.

Dancer quality (6/10) A few in the 8 to 9 range but mostly 6s and 7s. A few post pregnancy bellies, but No one bad though, and the thick girls are the good kind of thick.

Dances (16/20) I got an excellent grind with over the pants hand action and some mouth teasing. 2 way contact was encouraged and tit groping was tolerated or encouraged, depending on the girl. 

Dance setup (7/10) In the communal dance room, a shitty uncomfortable bench surrounds the room. 3 corner seats are poor, everywhere else is unacceptable. For 10 dollars more, you can get your own room with an open door, which is solid because the angles are good, especially in the back 2. Would be a 1 for the $20 option or a 7 for the $30 option, but that's reasonably priced, so I'll go with that. If you want to splash a little more cash, the party rooms are even better. They're $175 for 20 minutes and I was told that "what happens in there stays in there" and that we could "do anything but have sex." I didn't try it out, so I can't comment on whose definition of sex that was referring to. 

Attitudes (8/10) chatty, low pressure, the opposite of bourbon street. One girl gave an unsolicited tour. They go person to person around the huge stage and shake it for a buck. Topless. One girl pointed out that I dropped a dollar. Most wait for a new song to start before counting dances.

Number of Dancers (6/10) There were about 3 girls on stage at a time while I was there. Several working crowd but more of a locals place so don't expect quick attention if you aren't one, still over a dozen working a relatively small crowd. 

Location (2.5/10) It's not a bad area, but you'll definitely need to drive or pay for a ride to get there. It cost me about $20 for a cab from the French Quarter, and an Uber should be a little cheaper than that. 

Overall - This is a great club. Definitely my favorite in New Orleans, and there's plenty of competition for that title. 

RAW SCORE = 67

Visions (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (16/20) – You’ll get an excellent grind, some over the pants hand action and possibly even some teasing with the mouth, and two way contact is standard.  Pretty much all of the ladies tolerate some tit groping, and most of them even encourage it.  If you’re looking for more than that, I was quoted $175 for 20 minutes in the “party room.”  No one was explicit about what goes on in the party room, but I was told that “what happens in there stays in there” and that the fee is good for “anything but sex,” whatever that means.

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – There may be a few 8s and 9s, but this is mostly a 6 and 7 type of place.  Still, despite the presence of a few post-pregnancy bellies, I didn’t see anyone bad and was generally pleased with the quality.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They usually have about 3 dancers on stage at a time and there are several girls working the crowd, but it’s more of a place for locals, so I wouldn’t expect quick attention if you aren’t one.  

Variety of Dancers (3.5/5) – I’ve seen a good mix of thick and thin black and white girls, but there don’t seem to be many, if any, Asians or Latinas in here.

Attitudes (8/10) – The ladies here are chatty, very low pressure, and basically the opposite of what you’d find on Bourbon Street.  One girl gave me an unsolicited tour of the club, another alerted me when I unknowingly dropped a few dollars on the floor, and pretty much all of them wait for a new song before starting a dance.  The girls do go from one person to the next while on stage and expect a tip, but it’s much better than the usual tip walk since they stop and shake it for a buck.    

Value (8/10) – There’s an $8 cover at night ($4 during the day), but you get a free drink ticket with that, so it’s really like a $4 cover at night and free during the day.  Beers are $4, mixed drinks are $6, and dances are $20 or $30, depending on where you want it, which is very reasonable since they play fairly long songs.

Club Setup (3/10) – This is not a classy club, but it’s a decent setup if you’re just looking for a place to down some beers and watch some girls.  There’s a huge “M” shaped stage that fills most of the room, attached stools around the bar (but slightly too far away from it), and really nowhere else to sit, though you can play pool in the back.  They do have some TVs, but they’re too small and/or too far from the people who can see them for anyone to really bother watching. 

Dance Setup (7/10) – For $20, you can sit on a shitty, uncomfortable bench that lines the brightly lit communal room.  The three corner seats are poor, but everywhere else is unacceptable.  Still, I’ll give them a decent score here since you can upgrade for just $10 more to your own room.  The rooms have open doors, but they’re angled in a way that makes them pretty solid, especially if you get one of the two in the back.   

Atmosphere (7/10) – You shouldn’t bring a girlfriend or a business partner here, but I really liked the atmosphere in a total dive bar strip club sort of way.  There’s a good mix of music, a decent crowd, friendly male bartenders and they’ve got the least pushy shot girl ever.  She barely even slowed down as she walked by and halfheartedly said, “shot?”  This is definitely a place that I’d hang out for a while.  

Location (3/5) – The location is the only real drawback of Visions since you’re not going to be walking here from anywhere that you’re likely to be staying if you’re from out of town.  It’s about a $20 fifteen minute cab ride from the French Quarter, which is a bit of a pain in the ass, but you can more than make up that lost money by getting one drink and two dances here that you’d have otherwise gotten on Bourbon Street. 

Overall – Visions is everything that a shithole dive bar strip club should be.  It is, by far, my favorite club in New Orleans.

RAW SCORE = 67.5

Visions (Madison, WI)

[Note: This review was written by guest blogger Pussy Control, trusted friend of Peter Tips.]

Quality of dances (4/20) – The girl who gave my friends and me a dance (she took three of us back for a dance at once) was having fun and/or was really good at her job: gold star for personality. As the first song ended she even said, “Well that was a short song; I’ll give you one more.” None of us specifically asked about two-way contact, but I think it was available. One-way contact was quality. I was also impressed with how well she adjusted to giving a dance to women rather than men (not something all strippers do well from my limited experience). Unfortunately for you, the other customers that I talked to reported that it's rare for guys to get anything more than airdances in this place.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – It was amateur night when I was there, and so it was a little tough to tell who actually worked at the club. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of the girls who clearly worked there. My only previous strip club experience being the Spearmint Rhino, I had relatively low expectations for a strip club near the airport in Madison. While there was at least one girl who was the embodiment of every negative side effect of Meth, there were also a few cute, healthy looking women, at least one of whom was in great shape and had some awesome moves on the poll.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Again, a little hard to tell because it was amateur night, but it looked like only about 5 or 6 girls there were employees of the club. That being said, it was a Sunday night and there were only a handful of people there other than the group I was with. Despite the fact that the group of women I was with were obviously not going to spend a lot on dances, two of the girls spent most of the night hanging out with us.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – I’m pretty sure that all the girls who worked at the club were white. But I give them points for good diversity of body type: petite athletic builds, more curvy types, and not a fake tit in sight (like Peter Tips, Pussy Control far prefers teardrops to bazookas).

Attitude of dancers (8.5/10) – This is where the club really shined. These girls were FUN. Take into consideration that I was there with a large, rowdy group of fun women, so that was clearly a factor. But still, when on stage they looked like they were having a good time, and they did things to each other and my friends that you would NEVER see at a place like the Rhino. This is the upshot of a smaller, more laid back club I suppose.

Value (7.5/10) – There's no cover before 7 PM, but it's a slightly overpriced $8 after then. At $2, the beer is a solid value, even for Wisconsin. Dances were $20, but the girls were willing and able to negotiate, at least with us female patrons. The show on stage was an especially good value, with the girls doing all sorts of crazy shit for ones and fives.

Dance Setup (9/10) – I’m going to qualify this by saying that I was pretty wasted by the time my friends and I got a dance, so things are a little fuzzy…. But I know that we walked past a bouncer to get back to the booths. The girl we were with definitely had to ask his permission to bring three of us back there at once, but he seemed pretty cool and was willing to go along with whatever the dancer suggested. The booth that we went back to had three walls and a curtain that closed it off. Inside there was a love seat and a tiny little “stage” with a mirror. It sort of reminded me of a dressing room at a nice clothing store. Hard to imagine a better dance setup than this.

Club Setup (3/10) – I actually liked the set-up a lot, but Peter Tips insists that it qualifies as a three. Right as you come in there is a bar with bar stools, etc. It was nice to have the option of sitting off to the side and having a few beers before heading over towards the stage. The stage was off to the right. It was L shaped, surrounded by tables and standard banquet hall chairs. The floor was a little crowded with tables and chairs, and although we didn’t have trouble navigating the landscape on this slow night, it must be very difficult when things get packed. There were also some tables set back from the stage, which was nice for those who were just there to hang out, and didn’t really want to be too close to the action on stage. It was a very basic setup, but it met all of our needs.

Club Atmosphere (2.5/10) – I hate to give it such a low rating, because I really liked the atmosphere. I guess it depends on what you are looking for. It was the local dive bar of strip clubs; clean and comfortable, but nothing fancy. I’m the type who always goes for the more low-key and laid back place in general, so I thought it was great. If you want lots of plush seats, fancy lighting and glimmering bars stocked with bottle after bottle of Patron and Grey Goose, this is not your scene. But if that is your scene, what the fuck are you doing in Madison, WI? It is no Rhino, but I was more comfortable and had more fun at Visions.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Ten minute cab ride from downtown, very close to the airport.

Overall – Nothing fancy, just the basics. However, the club was cleaner and more comfortable and the girls hotter than I expected for the only strip club in Madison. What’s more, the women working there were fun as hell. I’d go back if I ever had any reason to be in Madison again (and I have no interest in ever going back to the Spearmint Rhino).

TOTAL SCORE = 47.5