Monday, January 18, 2010

Kitchen Cafe Nude (Newington, CT) - CLOSED

Note: The Kitchen Cafe is two clubs in one, with a nude area and a topless area. Because the hours of operation, prices, dance quality, and crowds are different, I've split the nude and topless areas into separate reviews.

Quality of dances (9/20) – These are the most aggressive dances that I've ever had in a place where customers aren't allowed to touch the dancers. The girls work their hands over the pants and do the faux bj move, but as soon as my hands touched a dancer's leg, the bouncer ran over and told me that they don't allow that. The girls all put in enough effort to prevent the dances from being completely ruined by the knowledge that the asshole bouncer was monitoring everything, but nothing that they could have done would have gotten this score above a 10. This seems like the type of place where extras would be available, but it also seems like the type of place where you couldn't touch a girl's leg without getting yelled at, so who knows?

Quality of dancers (5/10) – Most of the girls are reasonably attractive, but unlike at most decent clubs, you won't find any real stunners here. Of the few dozen women I've seen, I doubt that any would rate anything less than a 4 or more than a 7.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – There have been plenty of girls working every time I've been here. If you turn down the first few girls who approach you, the other girls don't seem too quick to circulate in your direction, but there are still enough girls that it isn't hard to find someone to chat with or get a dance from if that's what you're looking for.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – There's a fairly even mix of black and white dancers with a few Latinas thrown in for good measure. There's also a lot of variety in body types, though there's less variety within each race than there is between them. It would be nice to see a few more Latinas, but other than that, it's hard to complain about the variety at this place.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – The girls aren't too bad here when they're interacting one-on-one with customers, but the attitudes on stage were lacking. I put my normal $2 on the rail, and one girl loudly told me that she was glad that she could finally take her top off, since she refuses to do anything more than stand there for the $1 tips she'd been getting all day. If any dancers are reading this, here's some advice: if customers see that you're leaving your top on, you'll be lucky to get 1 dollar, but if you put on a good show, you'll get more money. The show comes before the tip, not after. There was also a little upsell on the dances, but it wasn't much worse than you'll find at most clubs.

Value (0/10) – You have to pay a $10 cover and buy a $5 non-alcoholic drink when you come in, then drop another $30 for each dance. The dances aren't terrible, but when the first one effectively costs $45, they aren't nearly good enough. You can get decent nude stage action for a few bucks, but it's not enough to make up for them ripping you off on everything else.

Dance Setup (3.5/10) – There are small booths that separate each comfortable chair from the others. If I hadn't found out that the bouncer is closely monitoring everything, this score would have been higher, but there isn't much of a point to having a decent dance setup if you're being watched the whole time anyway.

Club Setup (0.5/10) – The soda/juice bar is tiny, there are only a few small tables, and the stage is fairly small. The club is sufficiently dark, but that's about all that it has going for it.

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – Lots of smoke (including at least one guy who was smoking weed), no alcohol, and a room full of wannabe gangsters made this atmosphere about as bad as I've seen. You wouldn't expect it based on the neighborhood, but this just seems like the type of place where something bad will eventually happen.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – It isn't too hard to get here from Hartford or New Britain, but the parking lot faces a busy road and is right next to Stew Leonard's grocery store, so you better not mind if your neighbors see you walking into a strip club.

Overall – Neither side of the Kitchen Cafe is nice, but the nude club is particularly bad. Unless you're looking for a club where you can smoke, I can't see any reason to come here.



  1. I haven't been in this place in two years and I'll never, ever go back. But, FWIW, the last time I was there I did see a couple women I would call 8's or 9's. Although there were quite a few fatties there, as well.

    Some of the girls did give good lap dances. Not great, because of the bouncer situation, but pretty good. But then I had a string of really bad ones. One girl started started a dance right in the middle of the song. 90 seconds later, when the song was over, she asked if I wanted another. "Nope." One girl just wandered off in the middle of a dance and came back a minute later. The last time I was there was the one and only time I've ever gotten an air dance. One girl walked on stage and, since she didn't see any dollars out yet, she just sat down with her back to the audience and stared at the wall. Another girl was on stage when a couple kids who looked just out of high school got up to leave and she started yelling at them to put a dollar down before they left. They were broke, that's why they were leaving. I'll admit, it was pretty funny to watch this (their expressions were priceless) but I'll also admit that I don't put a dollar or two down for every dancer. Some just really aren't my type and I don't think I should have to pay if I'm not entertained. I know I wouldn't want to be yelled at for that. One of the more attractive girls, who gave a pretty good lap dance, decided to walk around the main floor nude and the manager actually told her to put some clothes on because he was trying to run a business.

    The crowd did look rough, but not rough enough to keep me away (unlike Catwalk, which I drove past and just kept on driving.) The smoke is ridiculous. The prices are even more ridiculous.

    Management sucks. The bouncers suck. Half the dancer's attitudes suck. The atmosphere sucks. The prices suck. 33.5 is generous, by my experience. But maybe it just got that much better since the last time I was there.

  2. This place has really, really come downhill. I used to go here years ago when I was in college. Touching wasn't permitted by the bouncers, but some of the girls got very, very physical, and were not afraid of bringing nipples near lips or over the pants lips action.

    At that time, one girl would even give a little extra pleasure if you were wearing shorts, and didn't even request extra money. At this time, Dolly Kumar (AKA Dolly Arafat/Arasheed) used to work there. Now she's in porn.

    I was there this summer for the first time in eons, and it just isn't the same. Maybe it was because it was a weeknight, and they actually get younger dancers with the college so close the rest of the year. But there wasn't a single girl there I'd willingly spend a dime on.