Kitchen Cafe Topless (Newington, CT) - CLOSED

Note: The Kitchen Cafe is two clubs in one, with a nude area and a topless area. Because the hours of operation, prices, dance quality, and crowds are different, I've split the nude and topless areas into separate reviews.

Quality of dances (4/20) – There's some decent grind action, but these dances aren't nearly as good as in the nude club next door. You don't necessarily have to keep your hands by your sides, but you probably won't get away with much touching.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – Most of the girls are reasonably attractive, but unlike at most decent clubs, you won't find any real stunners here. Of the few dozen women I've seen, I doubt that any would rate anything less than a 4 or more than a 7.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – There have been plenty of girls working every time I've been here. If you turn down the first few girls who approach you, the other girls don't seem too quick to circulate in your direction, but there are still enough girls that it isn't hard to find someone to chat with or get a dance from if that's what you're looking for.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – There's a fairly even mix of black and white dancers with a few Latinas thrown in for good measure. There's also a lot of variety in body types, though there's less variety within each race than there is between them. It would be nice to see a few more Latinas, but other than that, it's hard to complain about the variety at this place.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – The girls aren't too bad here when they're interacting one-on-one with customers, but the attitudes on stage were lacking. I put my normal $2 on the rail, and one girl loudly told me that she was glad that she could finally take her top off, since she refuses to do anything more than stand there for the $1 tips she'd been getting all day. If any dancers are reading this, here's some advice: if customers see that you're leaving your top on, you'll be lucky to get 1 dollar, but if you put on a good show, you'll get more money. The show comes before the tip, not after. There was also a little upsell on the dances, but it wasn't much worse than you'll find at most clubs.

Value (4/10) – The cover is $5, beers are around $4, and topless dances are $20 each. Some of the pushier girls with try to talk you into walking over to the nude side for the $30 dances. The nude dances are probably worth closer to $30 than the topless dances are to $20, but neither is an acceptable value.

Dance Setup (1/10) – The dance room is a small area with a few decent couches around the walls and a glass window looking out to the main area of the club. People at the bar can't see much of what goes on below your shoulders, but it's strange that they can see your face, and there are no barriers in the room.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – There are a few booths, a decent stage, and a decent bar, but it would be nice if there were some other tables and dark corners in the room.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Thankfully, the crowd doesn't seem to be nearly as rough in the topless club as it is in the nude club. I wouldn't want to hang out here for too long, but the atmosphere is decent enough to make it tolerable for a few beers.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – It isn't too hard to get here from Hartford or New Britain, but the parking lot faces a busy road and is right next to Stew Leonard's grocery store, so you better not mind if your neighbors see you walking into a strip club.

Overall – The topless half of the Kitchen Cafe is better than the nude half, but it still isn't good enough to be worth your time or your money.

TOTAL SCORE = 36.5