Miss Lindsay's (Orrtanna, PA)

Quality of Dances (4/20) – I can deal with a "no touching" policy that really means that you have to limit your touching to the dancer's legs or hips, but a true no touching rule like they have at Miss Lindsay's is brutal. Though the dancers provide a little friction during the dances, it's tough to feel like an active participant when your hands have to stay firmly planted at your sides. I was told that touching shoulders and hips is allowed during the VIP dances, but since they're $100 after the suggested tip, I can only assume that was a joke.

Quality of dancers (3/10) – Two 7's who were working one of the nights that I stopped by pulled the average way up, because most of the girls here look fairly ragged. When I've stopped by and not seen those two girls, I've have had no choice but to just turn around and walk back out.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Having a half dozen girls working in such a small club isn't too bad. Having all of the girls (except for the one on stage) standing outside smoking and chatting with each other isn't too good. It was nearly impossible for me or any of the other guys to get a girl for a dance, and everyone wanted one since we all got suckered into pre-buying a dance to get free admission.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (0.5/5) – I'll give them half a point for having some body type and age variation, but I've only seen boring white girls here, though that shouldn't be a shocker considering the location. This is getting to be a sizable Hispanic population nearby, so hopefully some Latinas start working here fairly soon.

Attitude of dancers (1/10) – These girls mostly just talk amongst themselves, they walk around the room between songs asking for tips, and they ask for tips before the lap dances. It's hard to blame them too much since the club doesn't give them a cut of the dance fee, but it's such a buzzkill from the customer's perspective.

Value (1/10) – They waive the $12 cover if you buy a dance ticket, but you should probably check out the dancers and make sure that there's someone worthy of your dance money before you agree to that option. I don't think that you can buy a single dance, but you can get 2 for $30, 3 for $40 or 4 for $50, though if you're going for that option, the 20 min VIP for the same price is probably a slightly less terrible deal. The real killer is that the girls will tell you that you're expected to match the prices for a tip. The only reason that I'm even giving them a point is that it's BYOB, but you'd have to bring a shitload of beer to make this place tolerable.

Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in small booths down a tiny hallway off of the main dance room. There's a small chair in there, and even though there are no doors on the booths, the second one would be reasonably private if it weren't for the camera that captures the lack of action.

Club Setup (-1/10) – Miss Lindsay's has the worst setup that I've ever seen, which shouldn't come as a real surprise considering that it's located in the back of a porn store. In the main room, there are rows of tiny chairs that are set up like the least comfortable movie theater of all time. There's one couch in the room, but they yell at customers for sitting there, because apparently it's reserved for dancers, even though I've never seen dancers sitting on it. Everything about this place is so bad that even the neon painting of a scantily clad woman riding a dolphin that's on the wall can't save it. And the fact the "bathroom" is a port-a-john in the parking lot is enough to earn this place the first negative score in the history of this site.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The atmosphere isn't good, but the relatively safe crowd and the unintentional comedy factor are enough to earn them a point.

Club Accessibility (0/5) – Miss Lindsay's is in the mountains about half way between Gettysburg and Chambersburg. Mr. Ed's is the only thing nearby that's worthwhile, but considering that it's a candy store with a talking elephant out front, there probably isn't a big overlap between these two establishments' clienteles.

Overall – This place is better than Silk Stockings in Shippensburg, but it's still one of the worst clubs that I've ever been to, and there's really no reason to ever go here. I'll admit that there aren't a whole lot of other choices in the area, but if you're desperate for a club, you're much better off driving the hour to West Virginia. Not that the West Virginia clubs are great, but they're a hell of a lot better than this shithole.

TOTAL SCORE = 16.5