Sunday, March 13, 2011

Club Rouge (Portland, OR)

Quality of Dances (9/20) – You can watch your erection rise and fall as you are told that lap dances are full contact (up), and “full contact” means “you can’t touch her” (down). There is significant grinding action from the ladies, but they’re very explicit about the no touching rule.  If I had an erection, I just lost it.  Even if there are a few girls here and there who will let you go above and beyond, a bouncer pops his head in every few minutes to make sure you’re not having too good a time.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – There was only one girl in the entire club who I would not consider banging, as almost all dancers had fantastic athletic bodies and real bombs.  As in any Portland establishment, you’ll need a high tolerance for ink and piercings, although I did spot perhaps the one stripper in the Portland area who had no tattoos at all.

Number of Dancers (8/10) – Sixteen girls on a Friday is pretty good being that there are four other clubs within walking distance of this place.  The bouncer told me there are normally 25 or so, but I’d have to see it to believe it.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – On a Friday night there were 13 thin white brunettes, two blondes and one black girl who reminded me of Raynesha from Reno 911.  I hope you like them thick.

Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – Even after a girl on stage took my $10 and said she had a customer waiting and then would come say hi to me, she never did and neither did anyone else.  I had to work my Peter magic with a few different girls on stage to get anyone to stop over.   Even at that, it was all business from the start.  They get a few points for not hating life, but that’s all.

Value (5.5/10) – There’s a $5 cover, $5 beers (at most, and a nice selection), and $20 dances, making Club Rouge pretty standard for the Portland area.  The VIP room is $150 for 30 minutes, and if your plan is to just go upstairs and get dances, it’s worth it.  If you are looking for small talk in any way, shape or form, don’t bother.  We did see some serious grinding on the stage, but most likely that is reserved for regulars as I tried like hell to join in and struck out miserably. 

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – There is a lightly curtained area in the corner of the club that is about 15 feet long and 7 feet wide with four comfortable wide chairs—that are right next to each other.  To make things worse, somehow it’s more lit than any other part of the club and as previously stated, the bouncer peaks in more often than the tits shake, so it’s a real downer.

Club Setup (6/10) – The bar is very small and there is not much room to get by it to the main floor.  Not a big deal except for weekend nights, when it’s a huge deal and very annoying.  Once you get in though, there are two small circular stages in the middle (with a girl on each stage at all times), a comfortable booth along the entire perimeter of the club with tables and chairs opposite the booths, and chairs around the stage area.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Rouge tries hard to give the appearance of an upscale, Foxy Lady type club.  The bouncers are in black suits with US Secret Service earpieces that they love talking into.  You need to be at least semi put-together to get in here, including straightening out your backwards hat.  I felt incredibly uncomfortable.  There is no way to get a groove on when it looks like the CIA is watching your every move.  Even more awkward, there is a corner of the room where several girls stand around looking alternately lost, bored, or in a time out.  This is the under-21 cadre of Club Rouge dancers, and, by law, they can only move from the stage to the dance area to the DJ booth.  Most clubs will serve alcohol and hire dancers 21 or older, or else sport the youngbloods and leave out the firewater.  This is Club Rouge’s solution to having both alcohol and dancers under 21.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Club Rouge is in downtown Portland.  You can take the MAX, you can take the bus, you can ride your bike.  After you come out, you can get food or find another strip club in almost any direction.  Or you can just stumble over to the Willamette river and puke over the railing while taking in the scenery.  The possibilities are endless.

Overall – For anyone who is interested in the tease, here it is.  The cover is almost nothing, but not quite.  The dances are full contact, but not from you.   The dance chairs are comfy, until the bouncer winks at you.  The VIP room is private, unless someone looks up at the window to wave.  If you need something to rile you up so you can go home and bang the shit out of the missus, this is the place for you.

TOTAL SCORE = 50

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