Silk Stockings (Shippensburg, PA)

Quality of Dances (3/20) – You can't touch the dancers at all unless you pay for one of the massages upstairs. They provide some fairly weak friction during the dances, but I was actually glad that it wasn't very good because you're on full display and I didn't feel like showing off for the creepy old owner who was watching from across the room.

Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – Everyone that I've seen in this place has been painfully mediocre, and one girl looked so young that I felt uncomfortable to the point that I had to leave the club when she walked out on stage. I don't have any reason to think that she was under 18, but I don't know what what kind of clientele they're trying to appeal to by hiring dancers who could even pass for younger than that.

Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Even though I've never seen many customers at Silk Stockings, it's unacceptable that they've only had 1-3 girls working each time I've stopped by. The worst part was that, during my last visit, there was only one girl working and she left to give a guy a half hour massage, so it left me sitting there with the owner and my soda wondering why I bothered visiting this shithole again.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – As far as I know, they've only got white ladies in this place, but they do get a half a point for some variation of body types.

Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – It's pretty much standard in central PA for girls to ask you to pay your dance fee and tip in advance, but that still doesn't make it acceptable. Club owners, pay your girls a cut of the dance price so that they can cut this shit out and actually try to earn a tip rather than ruining the mood by asking for it up front. I put that more on the owners than on the dancers, but I can blame the dancers for spending most of their time behind the counter by the door instead of circulating with paying customers. They're usually at least very friendly while on stage, but I've been less than impressed overall.

Value (1.5/10) – The $12 cover is ridiculous for this shitty little club, but it's waived if you buy a dance in advance. Dance prices are on the high side at $25 for 1 and $30 for 2, with customers being expected to match that for the tip. BYOB is the only real positive here, but I can't imagine spending enough time in this club to make it worth bringing much beer.

Dance Setup (0/10) – Dances are performed on a couch along the side wall facing the brightly lit club. You're on full display, so it would be hard to enjoy these dances too much even if the girls did do anything enjoyable.

Club Setup (1.5/10) – This place is in an old house, with the downstairs being used for the club and the upstairs being used for massages. I haven't been upstairs, but the club area has a needlessly large stage, a few shitty chairs and 2 taller tables in the back near the vending machine.

Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – Everything about this place depresses me. Maybe that's my own fault for not bringing beer, but I really can't see why anyone would stop here unless it's just to find a girl for a massage. Sadly, I've heard that even that is a waste of time and money.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – This whole area is pretty much the middle of nowhere, but Silk Stockings is right off of I-81 in Shippensburg. And when I say "right off," I mean you better not be from the area or you better not have a distinctive ride, because everyone traveling between Carlisle and Chambersburg will see your car in the gravel parking lot.

Overall – This is quite possibly the worst strip club in the United States. I'm pretty sure that the only people who would ever consider stopping here are truck drivers who are looking for a little human contact, but if that's your situation, you're better off stopping at one of the strip clubs in West Virginia or one of the Asian massage parlors in Chambersburg. Even if you don't have the patience to go somewhere else, you're better off walking across the parking lot to the porn store and taking matters into your own hands instead of giving a dime to Silk Stockings.

TOTAL SCORE = 14.5