Casa Diablo (Portland, OR)

Quality of Dances (9/20) – Not much you can describe here that you don’t already know if you are in Portland.  “Full contact” means don’t touch the girls.  That no one in this city understands the irony escapes me.  I’ve heard rumblings of super-aggressive dances and extras available in this particular place.  I figured the rumors were true as we got close, where my driver was laughing so hard at the backwoods way this place looks he almost jumped a curb.  The less attractive dancers also seemed to strengthen this reputation, but if there's high mileage, it's reserved for regulars, because I got no hints of extras at all.  

Quality of Dancers (3/10) – I was happy to say that this was not the only place I was visiting this particular evening, otherwise I would be really disappointed.  Since there are so many clubs in Portland, I can’t pass judgment quite yet, but this was definitely the worst crop of girls in the city thus far.  The shining star of the bunch was the bartender, who is topless at all times and is willing to play peek-a-boo with her vagina if you tip well.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – Six girls at 6pm on Saturday night is fine for an in-call bachelor party, but not acceptable here.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – I’ve seen less pasty white color at an Irish family reunion.  Body type differences were minimal, but a token redhead adds half a point because no one can turn away a fire bush.  Other than one chubster who spent half her set lying down and chatting up one patron with her back to another, the itty bitty titty committee was fully represented here.

Attitude of Dancers (0/10) – My host in Portland/driver/faithful sidekick and I tried sitting down at a table to be waited on.  We failed.  We went over to the bar to order and failed at that too.  The bartender had at least ten dudes ogling her compared to the two at the stage, and we couldn’t get her attention.  We then noticed a chess board sitting nearby and decided to conduct an experiment.  How long would it take someone, anyone, to come over and demand that we buy drinks/food/dances or SOMETHING after seeing two idiots wasting time playing chess in a stripclub?

Thirty-three minutes later I was checkmated, and we ended the experiment.

We then proceeded back to a table by the stage and seriously wondered if I would be able to review this place.  We tried again with the bartender and successfully ordered a drink and a mushroom burger, having heard that the food was a major draw here despite being vegan.  After sitting back down by the stage, it only took 20 minutes for the vegan burger to be made and brought over.  With a mouthful of food each, we got a casual hello from one dancer as she passed by, and that was the extent of the attention we were afforded.

Value (4/10) – No cover always boosts a score, but charging $40/dance is laugh out loud funny.  You can get a dance from the bartender, but then who will tend the bar?  I perused message boards that told me this place has the most contact of any dances in Portland, but behind the beaded curtain that cordons off the Devil’s Den, I saw only one-way contact.  Perhaps I was there too early in the evening, but the dance area might as well handcuff the customer’s hands to the chair.  At least the mushroom burger was really good.

Dance Setup (6/10) – There is a small room (the Devil’s Den) with a beaded curtain that may as well be a sheet of clear plastic wrap separating the main floor and dance area.  Inside chairs that are physically very comfy and socially very not, as they place you either staring at your compadres or sitting right next to them.

Club Setup (1/10) – This used to be a vegan restaurant, and not much renovation took place since the switch over.  There is a small “I” shaped stage in the middle, with a smaller circular stage near the sunken bar in the back and incredibly uncomfortable booths all along the outside of the club.  To one side there is a perfect view through several large windows of all the construction going on outside.  This is the only club I’ve seen to have so many windows, and I’ve been to plenty of places that made the conversion.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – Several message boards describe this place as if you were in the bar in “From Dusk ‘til Dawn.”  It has low red lighting and has pictures of stripper devils on the walls, but otherwise I don’t see it.  I had a bad feeling when we saw a party bus in the parking lot at 4:30pm, and a worse feeling when 12 guys with an average age of 55 exited the club and onto the bus.  Two of the partiers left on their mountain bikes, but then that’s not unexpected in Portland.

Once we checked out the vibe a bit, there appeared to be two types of customers there (not including me).  First, there was the Latino group that bought pitcher after pitcher of beer, and stared at the girls on stage from afar, never talking to each other or the dancers but entranced nonetheless.  Second, there was the 40 year old virgin crew who did not appear to like alcohol, but kept buying it so that the topless bartender would pull her pants down and pet the kitty.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – In the northern part of NW Portland, so only a few miles north of downtown.  Or, as it feels like when you pull up, in the middle of fucking nowhere.  The side of the street with the club makes you feel like you’re in backwoods Appalachia and the other side has enough oil barrels, smokestacks, and warehouses to make you think you’re in an industrial section of New Jersey.

Overall – The mystique of a vegan strip club with super-aggressive dances will make you want to check this place out, but I was unimpressed.  If you’re a vegan who loves checking out titties, but doesn’t like talking to women, this is a great place to hang out.  Short of that, stick to closer to downtown, or basically anywhere else.  In Portland, you’re not forced to settle for mediocrity, which is exactly what this club has to offer.

TOTAL SCORE = 32.5