Monday, February 14, 2011

Charlie Sheen+Barbie+Reinforced Bras+Christianity+Belly Dancing = Peter Tips?

Now usually I don't do this (what with my blogging having the regularity of a German Bahnhof), but I can't help but break the rhythm of my regularly-scheduled posting today.

I was looking at the blog this morning and happened to check out the Amazon Contextual Product Ads that sit along the right-hand side. I typically don't pay any attention to that stuff and just added the functionality because I figured it might make me money (note to self: it doesn't).

Anyway, after looking at today's crop of ads, I can't figure out if the ad-choosing algorithm writers are mad geniuses, high-functioning potheads, or monkeys throwing feces at a dartboard.

Here's what we've got for sale on the big board:

The Third Season of Two and a Half Men on DVD

This just cracks me up. Ladies and gentlemen, witness the power of Charlie Sheen. This guy is such a cracked-out, porn star obsessed, fivesome-loving degenerate that his aura can cause America's number one comedy, watched by millions of families every week, to be featured on a strip club review blog.

"Hmm, let's see, these readers are into paying women to flash their pierced bajingos and bleached backdoors at close range while drinking cheap light beer and hanging out in dimly-lit rooms with gentlemen who may or may not be prime candidates for To Catch a Predator. What else do they love? Boom! Charlie Sheen!"

Two other questions:

First, if not for Mr. Sheen's recent antics, do you think this ad would have found its way onto the blog? I'm not so sure, which makes me think that this ad algorithm might actually comb internet news stories and cross-reference word choices with those in this blog (stripper, cocaine, porn, blowjob, etc.). Amazing.

Second, why season 3? There are 8 seasons of Two and a Half Men. Season 3 came out on DVD in like 2006. What is it about that season that screams Peter Tips today? I'm not sure we'll ever know, but I'd be interested in hearing hypotheses.

Three Dancers One Dance: Vision and Practicalities of Small Christian Communities and Groups

This actually pops up in the ad as just Three Dancers One Dance, which made me think that it had some potential. I was a little nervous that it might be the next iteration of Two Girls One Cup, so at first I was hesitant to click the link, but ultimately I went for it. As it turns out, the actual product is far more offensive to me than Two Girls One Cup could ever be.

Honestly, even after reading the book's description, I can't even figure out what it's about. It appears to be a guide for "running" Christian communities, whatever the fuck that means. It claims to "enrich and open new horizons for groups of all kinds, not least of those youth (emphasis added)." Crrreeeeeeeeepy. That shit sounds like How to Start a Cult in Ten Easy Steps.

I can only assume this link is here to give Amazon the appearance of some sort of neutral advertising balance, even where it's totally worthless and unnecessary (kind of like how cable news networks used to bring in Ann Coulter to give an opinion on the issues of the day).

Posture Perfect Back Support Brace

This is tremendous, much like the tits it's designed to support. That's what this is for, right? "Widely used by equestrians," my ass. This bad boy exists for all the naturally big-busted women in the world that I love, to save them from the inevitable back problems associated with their gift from God. Thanks for reading and understanding my tastes, Amazon polynomial. It's like we've known each other forever.

Step-by-Step BellyDance DVD with Leilainia

Okay, this one makes sense. It's obviously for dudes who don't have the balls to buy pole-dancing lessons for their wives...yet. I understand. You've gotta to ease into that stuff. You can't be all: "Hey honey, look what I got you for Valentine's Day. A series of really expensive classes that will help you look and move more like all of those women who I spend 10% of our income on every week." You've gotta have a helluva cool wife to pull that shit off up front.

This DVD lets you start the transition. "No, it's not stripping, it's belly dancing, a Middle Eastern tradition practiced for 200 years. You're such a great dancer already, and this will be a fun way to learn something that you've never tried before. I've heard it's very empowering. And you can do it right here at home."

By the way, Leilainia is hot. Smoking hot. So much that I may just go ahead and purchase this DVD for myself. That's not a bad way to spend $16, is it? Is it bad that I'm so obsessed with women and consumerism that I can't even avoid spending money on the ads generated by my own blog?

Princess Genevieve Barbie Doll

Priceless. Who's being targeted here? Dancers who always wanted to be princesses? Their daughters? The daughters of customers? Doll collectors? Child molesters? All of the above?

By the way, fuck Barbie Dolls. Real women have curves. Real curves. And natural tits. And lap dance asses. And dark skin. And dark hair that doesn't run 3/4 of the way down their back. I know Mattel has moved towards more diverse models for their Barbies, but is that really anything more than a hollow gesture?

Also, $54.98? For a Barbie Doll? Only if it's filled with fine Colombian yayo. For that price, I could get one and a half seasons of Two and a Half Men and still have a few bucks left over to tip at the stage. Easy decision.

That's all I've got.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

I hope you're either getting laid or getting paid tonight. Either way, good luck.

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