Magic Gardens (Portland, OR)

Quality of dances (6.5/20) – The Portland no-touching (by you) rules are in full effect here, a fact the bouncer quickly reminded me of when I planted my hand on a girl’s thigh just above her kneecap, even though she initiated the move. Anyway, don’t expect two way contact under any circumstances.  

Quality of dancers (8/10) – They’re hot. Are they as hot as the women at some other clubs in Portland? Probably not. But they’re still getting the job done and then some.

Number of dancers (3.5/10) – There were two dancers working in the early afternoon. Wanting to be thorough, I asked the bartender whether that changed at night, and he told me that it doesn’t. Magic Gardens has three shifts: Noon to four; four to nine; and nine to close. Each of those shifts has exactly two dancers. Always. Given the size of the club and the number of customers it likely draws, I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad management decision (and it’s probably very beneficial to the dancers, which is always a good thing).

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – It’s Portland. The women are white. SURPRISE!! I saw some variance in body type, including one perfect lap dance ass, which is the only thing keeping this number out of the gutter.

Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) – Everyone that I met was really friendly and personable, just as it should be in a locals club like this. I’m confident that most of these women hang out at the bar and shoot the shit with their regulars during the short breaks between their stage sets. I really like that vibe. 

Value (5/10) – There’s no cover, it’s $3 for a pint of PBR and $5 for the delicious Portland staple: Black Butte Porter. You won’t get any real mileage at the stage in terms of contact, but you’ll get as much performance art as the women can give you with the club’s physical limitations.

Dance Setup (.5/10) – The dance area is an outcropping right around the corner from the club’s entrance, maybe 8-10 feet from the stage. It’s in full view of everyone in the club, save for four or five people sitting at the right edge of the bar. There are no partitions and no comfy chairs, and basically nothing to distinguish it from the rest of the club. This setup is as bare as the vagina that will be staring back at you for the three and a half minutes you’re over there.

Club Setup (4/10) – It’s got a pool table. And a cigarette machine. And video poker. And the list of positives about the Magic Gardens setup ends there. This is a tiny club with a wall-length bar on one side when you walk in (okay, I guess the bar is pretty solid) and a small stage on the other. The stage doesn’t have a pole, which is troublesome anywhere, but particularly frustrating in Portland because the acrobatic skill of dancers across the city is so high. The front door opens directly to the street and any passerby can see virtually the entire club whenever that door swings wide. To say that’s sub-optimal is to severely understate the case. With all those complaints, this setup should probably score a 2. Nevertheless, Magic Gardens does something to add up to more than the sum of its parts in this category, so I gave it a little bump.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – Exactly what you’d expect for such a club. Very chill vibe. Probably never gonna get rowdy in there. A real nice place to start if you’re trying to visit ten strip clubs in 24 hours.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Just steps from the MAX and within an 8 minute walk of virtually everything in the NW quadrant of Portland, Magic Gardens is as accessible a club as you’ll find anywhere. Technically, it’s in Chinatown, and some people say that Chinatown in Portland is dangerous and you shouldn’t go there. I say those people are huge pussies. Don’t let that deter you.

Overall – Magic Gardens is pretty much the definition of a locals club. It’s the type of place that you’d never go out of your way to make a trip to, but would probably spend a bunch of time at if you lived around the corner. Although someplace like this would never get my official seal of approval, I can safely say that I like it.

TOTAL SCORE = 46.5

Devil's Point (Portland, OR)

Quality of dances (6/20) – Proving that, contrary to my earlier beliefs, not all dances in Portland are created equal, Devil’s Point lags slightly behind its Rose City peers in this category. I got some one-way contact, but nothing particularly aggressive, and reciprocity was not in the cards. This was definitely the type of dance that focused on the emotional impact of sensual movement, not the physical stimulation produced by a good old-fashioned dirty grind.

Quality of dancers (9/10) – In association with my original review of this club (where I rated the dancers as a perfect 10), I wrote this:

Until March 20th, 2011, I didn’t know that God made women this hot. And keep in mind that I’ve been to every strip club in Montreal and Vegas, and have spent substantial time in New York City. Really, I thought girls like this were reserved for the imagination, sometimes captured in art, but never in reality. They’re aspirational; their images should be on posters, and in movies, and filling your daydreams and fantasies. But they’re not. Well, maybe they are, but they’re also here. In real life. In Portland. In all of their inked, pierced and dyed glory. To give you a visual, this dancer was the third hottest girl working that night (from my perspective, of course; several of my friends had her at #1 with a bullet). Even Pussy Control, notorious for her picky tastes, was sitting with her mouth agape and talking like a dog in heat: “I’ve never said this before, but I would definitely pay these girls to make out with me. I just wanna pay them.”

They are a type, for sure, so if you’re into fake tits, symmetrical haircuts or anyone with a skin tone darker than an undercooked sugar cookie, they may not blow your mind (although I hope you’d still appreciate them). For me, though, they’re as good as it gets. If aliens came to Earth today, and asked us to prove our worth as a society or face extinction, I’d show them two things: an iPad 2 and the Devil’s Point girls.


I’m afraid I have to take a small step back from that original evaluation. My decision is based on a combination of factors. First, I wrote that piece about 12 hours after my first visit to stripparaoke, and I’m sure my head was still spinning from the performance, which was something special, even for a grizzled strip club vet like myself. Second, I now have a larger sample size and the newest additions, while still hot, don’t scrape the stratosphere like their peers. And third, I’ve since been to Union Jack’s (also in Portland), which I think has hotter dancers, so I need to ensure that there’s some scoring separation between the women there and at Devil’s Point.

A couple of closing thoughts before I finish this ludicrously long category. In the end, it doesn’t really matter if these women are 9’s or 10’s, because they’re already so fucking hot that you’re not allowed to ask for anything more unless your name is Leo or Brad. I’m currently working on a theory to describe this concept. It will likely parallel the Chandrasekhar limit for white dwarf stars. More to come next time I knock back a few glasses of wine and can reason out the details.

Lastly, it’s still true that the standard Sunday night cast at Devil’s Point is the finest shift I’ve ever seen. Brody (whose omission from the last review was an oversight of near-unforgiveable breadth), Rocket, Berlin and Piper are the ’27 Yankees of strip club lineups. Management, don’t fuck that shit up.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – This is a very tricky category. Devil’s Point is very small, so it wouldn’t make sense for them to staff the place with a crew of 20+ dancers. However, the crowds they get (as many as 100 people, it seems) suggest that perhaps a larger dancing staff is justified. I don’t really know. On both of my Sunday night visits, the crowd was massive, but the dance crew was limited to the four above-mentioned stunners. It’s clear that working the crowd and giving private dances isn’t the thrust of the business model here, but the rating system is the rating system, so I have no choice but to sting them.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – Plenty of variety in body type here, from Onyx, the rail-thin stunner who looks like Joan Jett wished she could, to Berlin, the fire-haired vixen with curves so perfectly rich that Paula Dean could cook with them. Sadly, as implied above, there is absolutely no ethnic diversity. The color wheel maxes out at tope and everyone is as American as apple pie, even if they don’t want to be.

Attitude of dancers (10/10) – These women enjoy their work so much that you’d think they had a profit-sharing interest in the club. Every single dancer was working her ass off on stage, flirting with the rail and entertaining the crowd to perfection. The customer-to-dancer ratio makes it almost impossible for the girls to personally interact with any meaningful percentage of the customers, but when they did, they were great. The aforementioned Berlin spent her smoke break in front of the club shooting the breeze with whoever was around, even going out of her way to thank a few departing couples for coming in.

Also, the way dancers interacted with staff and with each other really gave the sense that everyone was working together towards a shared goal. That’s so rare to see in a club. Usually, you’ve got a bunch of girls running individual game (or maybe paired hustles) as they fight for their piece of the financial pie. They view dancing as a zero-sum game (get ready for it, game theory nerds) with a fixed amount of money available: if Justice hooks that guy for three dances, that’s money out of Serenity’s pocket.

But that’s not the case at all. The money input is variable, meaning that most people don’t go to a club and say “I’m going to spend X dollars tonight, no matter what.” The more fun they’re having, the longer they’re going to stay, and the more money they will spend. A great club can change the size of the pie. Indeed, on my most recent trip, Devil’s Point did exactly that. I was there with a handful of women who have never spent more than a few bucks at any club, but that night, several of them spent three consecutive hours at the rack tipping dancers. The girls and management at Devil’s Point seem to understand this concept, so everyone goes out of their way to help each other if it means keeping the customers happy.

Value (10/10) – There’s never a cover (except when bands play on Saturday nights) and the pole action is at least equal to the best I’ve ever seen. PBR’s are $2 ($7 for a pitcher), microbrews are $4, and stiff mixed drinks are $5. Also, I swear I saw someone order two Red Bull and vodkas and only get charged $6 (disclaimer: I was very drunk at the time and may have been distracted by the super hot bartender, so no guarantees that this is accurate).

The only downside to the value is the dances, but I’m scoring Devil’s perfect anyway because with the amount of money that you save on booze and the cover, you aren’t gonna care that your $20 doesn’t get you the mileage it would elsewhere.

Dance Setup (6/10) – Dances occur on a partially padded bench in a tiny room that is curtained off from the rest of the club. Only one dance can happen at a time and the curtain is opaque, so nobody is going to see inside unless they really want to, but it’s so small, so close to the rest of the club, and so lacking in comfort, that it really can’t crush this score despite the significant privacy. For readers that frequent this club and have been to Lamplighter II in MA, which I imagine is nobody, consider this a poor man’s version of that setup.

Club Setup (5.5/10) – Devil’s Point is small. Very small. Despite being handcuffed by that limitation, they do well with what they’ve got. Upon walking in, you’re greeted by a 6-stool bar with a TV on one side and a row of video poker machines on the other. On the far side of the club is a small stage with an ~8-foot pole in the center and a chain on each of the two front vertices. The chains are a nice touch, giving the stage a sexy and rugged look while providing the dancers with two extra props on which to work. About ten seats line the stage and a small handful of low-tops and high-tops fill the floor.

[From my original review]
To the far right of the stage and the tables is an outcropping with a pool table and a padded bench along the wall. I’m still undecided about the value of the pool table. On the one hand, pool tables are fucking awesome and every dive bar should probably have one. On the other, this place is seriously lacking seating capacity, and that table is stealing some much needed space for a few more low-tops. I guess I’m currently indifferent. If you own or work at this club and read this review (an unlikely parlay indeed), chime in and sway my opinion.

[My thoughts now]
Since I first visited Devil’s Point, they’ve removed the pool table, and now that I’ve seen the space without it, I couldn’t agree more with the decision. The removal did wonders to open up the club, turning a near-functionless corner into the perfect spot for a large group and providing some refuge for the curious wallflowers amongst the crowd. And without customers milling about with pool cues, a rookie roller girl who drank and smoked too much can pass out in peace while her teammates create a ruckus on the other side of the club.

Club Atmosphere (8/10) – The club has a completely different atmosphere depending on the time. During the dayshift, it’s the definition of a dive bar, with the dim red lighting, cheap beer, and Erotic Photo Hunt machine. It reminds me of my favorite hangouts in Boston, where the sickos go to get rid of the shakes at noon. The only difference I noticed was the music, which was dancer’s choice, making it considerably better and more upbeat than you’d find in a typical dive.

At night, it’s still divey, of course, but gets packed with people of all shapes, sizes and ages. It was pretty great to see 60 year old couples sharing the floor with the local scenesters and other curious yuppies. For the most part, everyone was chill and the d-bag factor was minimal. Also, it was probably the best-looking crowd I’ve ever seen at a strip club, including a large number of hotties who would be the best-looking girl in the room at any number of bars across America (brutally, I managed to strike out with all of them). As I wrote before, the staff goes out of their way to make sure the crowd is having a good time, and there is definitely a drinking/partying feel at night.

I’ve only been there on Sundays for stripparaoke (an idea I was skeptical of, but now think is beyond genius), so I can’t guarantee that it’s the same every day. Nevertheless, I strongly suspect that the place stays hot during the week for two reasons. First, they have different themes for every night (fire-breathing, industry night, 80’s night, etc.), which keeps everything fresh and should draw different crowds. And second, people don’t appear to work in Portland, at least not that much, so they’re free to go out on whatever nights they want.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Devil’s point is located in an off-the-beaten path neighborhood in the southeast quadrant of Portland, not accessible by the MAX, but only about a $20 cab ride from downtown. Normally, this would rate something like a 3.5, but my experiences with Portland cabs necessitate a lower mark. Twice, at completely different times of day, I waited 90 minutes for a cab to arrive. Thinking that I may have just been unlucky, I asked a friend who grew up in Portland about the taxi scene. Her answer: “Oh, they’re awful. There are like ten of them. For the whole city.” Next time, I’ll act like a true Portlander and ride a bike.

Overall – This summer, I learned two irrefutable truths. One, Fast and the Furious movies are always better with Vin Diesel. And two, Devil’s Point will never disappoint me.

If you like badass women and dive bars, then Devil’s Point just might be your nirvana. This place is chill, female-friendly (an underrated club quality), and awesomely entertaining. If I lived in Portland, I would probably hang out there two or three days a week. No joke. Just remember that you’re there for the dancing and dancers, not the dances, and adjust your expectations accordingly. If you do that, I cannot imagine a way to have a bad time.

TOTAL SCORE = 62

Golden Dragon (Portland, OR)

Quality of Dances (8/20) – There are three tiers of “dances” at this place. You can get one dance on a bench seat that is not private for $20, three dances for $40 in a semi-private booth, or go to the VIP room. There you close the door and mutually masturbate for 15 minutes for $150 (or $300 for 30 minutes, but don’t kid yourself about lasting that long). The regular lap dances have decent grinding by the dancer, but no touching is allowed. If you weren’t aware of this rule, it’s printed on a nice big sign at the entrance.

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – There is no alcohol served, allowing the Golden Dragon to hire under 21s, which is all they do. I could have been at a UConn girls volleyball practice at this place. Everyone was thin, athletic, young, and was showing off awesome pole moves on the stage. There were a few eights and nines, and the place was littered with sevens and nothing under a six.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – Sixteen girls on a Friday is pretty good, especially since all 16 of them will do a masturbation show (some with a friend). The ratio was roughly one to one given the number of dudes present.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – One unavoidable sticking point to Portland is that it’s full of thin white girls. All athletic with great bodies, but most of the variance involves a) what color her hair is, b) what her tattoos look like, and c) where her piercings are located.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – When you arrive and pay your cover, there are three to four girls waiting at the entrance to give you a Bunny Ranch style tour. Your mileage may vary on that one, depending mostly on how willing you seem to be to spend money. Showing you around the club is mainly a way to show off the menu and gauge how loose you are with the twenties, but most won’t be too pushy about dragging cash out before you even sit down. On nights where there are a ton of girls working and the guys aren’t making it rain, though, they can get a little testy and make it a bit of a buzzkill. You would think having a tough night and a great ratio would encourage the girls to be friendlier and more affectionate, but they just pout if you say no to tossing $150 their way.

Value (6.5/10) – Since there is no booze, you would expect an absurd cover charge, but it’s only $5. The menu consists of three sodas, water, and enormous Red Bulls. The single lap dance option mentioned above is a little overpriced, but the 3 for $40 deal is definitely a worthwhile option. I didn’t try the mutual masturbation, but your $150 will go farther here than possibly anywhere else in the area.

Dance Setup (4/10) – The single dance bench has no privacy and people walk by you all the time. The better option for dances is the semi-private booth. It appears most guys do a single dance to gauge a dancer and then go right to the VIP room, so it’s rare to have more than one guy anywhere near you. I imagine taking a UV light into the VIP room would have enough DNA evidence to make a two part episode of CSI.

Club Setup (3/10) – There is a short bar when you enter on the left and a small stage that is 6” off the floor in the middle. It looks terrible, but it more easily allows dancers to give decent stage action and that’s where most people congregate. Unfortunately, most of the guys are 18 years old, awkward, naïve, nervous, and pitching a tent the size of the Chrysler building in front of everyone else in the bright light. The long dance benches near the stage are usually empty (and thus a waste of space), presumably because not many guys are stupid enough to think one dance for $20 is mathematically superior to three for $40.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – Since it’s 18+, there’s a large under 21 crowd coming to the club hammered out of their minds, trying hard to spend all of their $35 checking account. It’s a bit of a change from other clubs, but at least everyone is happy to be there, even after getting past the two biker extras from Sons of Anarchy at the front door. The larger issue is that it’s brighter than a restaurant and you couldn’t hide in a dark corner unless you went to another club.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – This place is right in the middle of downtown Portland. You can stumble a few blocks to awesome street food and to bars, with public transportation all around. You couldn’t be in a better place if you tried.

Overall – If you have a ton of cash and want to get right into watching two girls have sex in front of you while you masturbate, call this place your own. If not, it’s not a good choice among the several clubs within walking distance of it. The standard Portland “no hands” rule is enforced, and try as I may, I could not get a girl to admit that you can straight up have sex in the VIP room.

Because of the relative strength of its competition, I can only recommend this club for the under-21s, as it may be their only game in town. Just be careful since the girls are better at convincing you to watch them masturbate than you are at convincing them you don’t have enough money to pay for it.

TOTAL SCORE = 48.5

Acropolis (Portland, OR)

Quality of Dances (6/20) – For a place that advertises no hustle and a more relaxing atmosphere, they may as well say “don’t bother getting a dance, no one else does.”  I was there for two hours, and not a single of the 100+ customers got a dance (including me). That said, it’s hard to imagine they’re anything but the standard Portland “no touching” dance, where she can touch you but you need to act like a cadaver, so I’m going to give them my perceived score.

Quality of Dancers (5/10) – Everyone here was decent but forgettable, save for the tattooed brunette whose hair was straight out of a Mad Max movie.  Kind of a mullet, kind of a mohawk (mulhawk?).  Decent bodies, but no girls appeared to be contestants on The Biggest Loser.  The Acropolis sported the only two sets of fakies on my Portland tour. A terrible shame; I was really hoping to bat 1.000 on the naturals during my trip.

Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Six girls at 7pm on Saturday, with a fresh eight girls on hand at 9pm seems low but not terrible, however when there are dozens upon dozens of dudes surrounding the stages at all times, there is no way to get your groove on.  The bouncer told me they cap the ladies at eight because “that’s how we get the most beautiful girls in Portland.”  I didn’t have the heart to tell him he had a sub-par group for Portland.  I don’t care if you advertise no hustle, eight girls vs. close to 100 guys in a place you call a “strip club” is unacceptable.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (.5/5) – There was more diversity in the female patrons than there was on stage.  All white brunettes with a few fake bombs is not any kind of variety. 

Attitude of Dancers (5/10) – They seem happy to dance their sets and not need to solicit for lapdances, so . . . good?  The lack of interaction means it’s hard to gauge attitude, but I can’t help wanting a little more personality engagement.  Guys fill the stage stools with dollars consistently, so the strippers make the vast majority of their money on the four stages.

Value (7/10) – The cover being $5 is a bit annoying since a lot of other Portland clubs are free.  A lamb gyro with fries for $3, steak tips for $3.75 and $10 or $11 pitchers for many of the 51 beers on tap is beyond glorious as far as food and drink go.  Dances are $20, but no one gets them. The only big drawback is that stage value is non-existent and girls don’t walk around the club at all.  You only see them on stage as they are not allowed by club policy to solicit dances while not on stage.  Since there are always 25 drooling horn balls sitting there, there’s no incentive for the dancer to do anything except get naked and walk around collecting dollars.

Dance Setup (0/10) – There is a small area near the entrance for dances, but literally everyone can see you in the bright lights and the chairs are only big enough for midgets to be comfortable.  You may as well get a dance on stage with 20 of your buddies watching you pop wood.

Club Setup (2.5/10) – The club is set up for you to eat cheap but good food, and drink cheap but good beer.  But almost all the seats are at the stages themselves, so unless you want to be munching on steak one second and reaching into your pocket the next, it’s awkward.  Four stages take up the majority of the club, with minimal extra seating that can view the main stage and a little bit of bar seating that isn’t convenient to view anything.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) – I don’t want to be completely uncharitable even though I don’t really consider this to be a “strip club.”  You could call it an rich man’s Hooters, if Hooters made massive upgrades to their food, drinks, and had their women get naked.  Maybe that works for some people, and for those people I say enjoy. 

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – It’s almost three miles to a bus stop, but at only about five miles south of downtown, it’s a short cab ride or an easy drive.  The club is right on the highway, so there’s no missing it.

Overall – I love a good deal on food and drink, but I also love a strip club that feels like a strip club.  This is not one.  My friend/driver/forward scout in the Portland area likes more stage action and less dancer interaction, but even he thought the number of girls was low and the quality was lacking.  If you’re in need of red meat and beer, and you would like to casually view some boobies while you’re at it, this is an okay joint.  If you want any kind of erotic atmosphere, you’ll need to look elsewhere.

RAW SCORE = 35

Casa Diablo (Portland, OR)

Quality of Dances (9/20) – Not much you can describe here that you don’t already know if you are in Portland.  “Full contact” means don’t touch the girls.  That no one in this city understands the irony escapes me.  I’ve heard rumblings of super-aggressive dances and extras available in this particular place.  I figured the rumors were true as we got close, where my driver was laughing so hard at the backwoods way this place looks he almost jumped a curb.  The less attractive dancers also seemed to strengthen this reputation, but if there's high mileage, it's reserved for regulars, because I got no hints of extras at all.  

Quality of Dancers (3/10) – I was happy to say that this was not the only place I was visiting this particular evening, otherwise I would be really disappointed.  Since there are so many clubs in Portland, I can’t pass judgment quite yet, but this was definitely the worst crop of girls in the city thus far.  The shining star of the bunch was the bartender, who is topless at all times and is willing to play peek-a-boo with her vagina if you tip well.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – Six girls at 6pm on Saturday night is fine for an in-call bachelor party, but not acceptable here.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – I’ve seen less pasty white color at an Irish family reunion.  Body type differences were minimal, but a token redhead adds half a point because no one can turn away a fire bush.  Other than one chubster who spent half her set lying down and chatting up one patron with her back to another, the itty bitty titty committee was fully represented here.

Attitude of Dancers (0/10) – My host in Portland/driver/faithful sidekick and I tried sitting down at a table to be waited on.  We failed.  We went over to the bar to order and failed at that too.  The bartender had at least ten dudes ogling her compared to the two at the stage, and we couldn’t get her attention.  We then noticed a chess board sitting nearby and decided to conduct an experiment.  How long would it take someone, anyone, to come over and demand that we buy drinks/food/dances or SOMETHING after seeing two idiots wasting time playing chess in a stripclub?

Thirty-three minutes later I was checkmated, and we ended the experiment.

We then proceeded back to a table by the stage and seriously wondered if I would be able to review this place.  We tried again with the bartender and successfully ordered a drink and a mushroom burger, having heard that the food was a major draw here despite being vegan.  After sitting back down by the stage, it only took 20 minutes for the vegan burger to be made and brought over.  With a mouthful of food each, we got a casual hello from one dancer as she passed by, and that was the extent of the attention we were afforded.

Value (4/10) – No cover always boosts a score, but charging $40/dance is laugh out loud funny.  You can get a dance from the bartender, but then who will tend the bar?  I perused message boards that told me this place has the most contact of any dances in Portland, but behind the beaded curtain that cordons off the Devil’s Den, I saw only one-way contact.  Perhaps I was there too early in the evening, but the dance area might as well handcuff the customer’s hands to the chair.  At least the mushroom burger was really good.

Dance Setup (6/10) – There is a small room (the Devil’s Den) with a beaded curtain that may as well be a sheet of clear plastic wrap separating the main floor and dance area.  Inside chairs that are physically very comfy and socially very not, as they place you either staring at your compadres or sitting right next to them.

Club Setup (1/10) – This used to be a vegan restaurant, and not much renovation took place since the switch over.  There is a small “I” shaped stage in the middle, with a smaller circular stage near the sunken bar in the back and incredibly uncomfortable booths all along the outside of the club.  To one side there is a perfect view through several large windows of all the construction going on outside.  This is the only club I’ve seen to have so many windows, and I’ve been to plenty of places that made the conversion.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – Several message boards describe this place as if you were in the bar in “From Dusk ‘til Dawn.”  It has low red lighting and has pictures of stripper devils on the walls, but otherwise I don’t see it.  I had a bad feeling when we saw a party bus in the parking lot at 4:30pm, and a worse feeling when 12 guys with an average age of 55 exited the club and onto the bus.  Two of the partiers left on their mountain bikes, but then that’s not unexpected in Portland.

Once we checked out the vibe a bit, there appeared to be two types of customers there (not including me).  First, there was the Latino group that bought pitcher after pitcher of beer, and stared at the girls on stage from afar, never talking to each other or the dancers but entranced nonetheless.  Second, there was the 40 year old virgin crew who did not appear to like alcohol, but kept buying it so that the topless bartender would pull her pants down and pet the kitty.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – In the northern part of NW Portland, so only a few miles north of downtown.  Or, as it feels like when you pull up, in the middle of fucking nowhere.  The side of the street with the club makes you feel like you’re in backwoods Appalachia and the other side has enough oil barrels, smokestacks, and warehouses to make you think you’re in an industrial section of New Jersey.

Overall – The mystique of a vegan strip club with super-aggressive dances will make you want to check this place out, but I was unimpressed.  If you’re a vegan who loves checking out titties, but doesn’t like talking to women, this is a great place to hang out.  Short of that, stick to closer to downtown, or basically anywhere else.  In Portland, you’re not forced to settle for mediocrity, which is exactly what this club has to offer.

TOTAL SCORE = 32.5

Club Rouge (Portland, OR)

Quality of Dances (9/20) – You can watch your erection rise and fall as you are told that lap dances are full contact (up), and “full contact” means “you can’t touch her” (down). There is significant grinding action from the ladies, but they’re very explicit about the no touching rule.  If I had an erection, I just lost it.  Even if there are a few girls here and there who will let you go above and beyond, a bouncer pops his head in every few minutes to make sure you’re not having too good a time.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – There was only one girl in the entire club who I would not consider banging, as almost all dancers had fantastic athletic bodies and real bombs.  As in any Portland establishment, you’ll need a high tolerance for ink and piercings, although I did spot perhaps the one stripper in the Portland area who had no tattoos at all.

Number of Dancers (8/10) – Sixteen girls on a Friday is pretty good being that there are four other clubs within walking distance of this place.  The bouncer told me there are normally 25 or so, but I’d have to see it to believe it.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – On a Friday night there were 13 thin white brunettes, two blondes and one black girl who reminded me of Raynesha from Reno 911.  I hope you like them thick.

Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – Even after a girl on stage took my $10 and said she had a customer waiting and then would come say hi to me, she never did and neither did anyone else.  I had to work my Peter magic with a few different girls on stage to get anyone to stop over.   Even at that, it was all business from the start.  They get a few points for not hating life, but that’s all.

Value (5.5/10) – There’s a $5 cover, $5 beers (at most, and a nice selection), and $20 dances, making Club Rouge pretty standard for the Portland area.  The VIP room is $150 for 30 minutes, and if your plan is to just go upstairs and get dances, it’s worth it.  If you are looking for small talk in any way, shape or form, don’t bother.  We did see some serious grinding on the stage, but most likely that is reserved for regulars as I tried like hell to join in and struck out miserably. 

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – There is a lightly curtained area in the corner of the club that is about 15 feet long and 7 feet wide with four comfortable wide chairs—that are right next to each other.  To make things worse, somehow it’s more lit than any other part of the club and as previously stated, the bouncer peaks in more often than the tits shake, so it’s a real downer.

Club Setup (6/10) – The bar is very small and there is not much room to get by it to the main floor.  Not a big deal except for weekend nights, when it’s a huge deal and very annoying.  Once you get in though, there are two small circular stages in the middle (with a girl on each stage at all times), a comfortable booth along the entire perimeter of the club with tables and chairs opposite the booths, and chairs around the stage area.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Rouge tries hard to give the appearance of an upscale, Foxy Lady type club.  The bouncers are in black suits with US Secret Service earpieces that they love talking into.  You need to be at least semi put-together to get in here, including straightening out your backwards hat.  I felt incredibly uncomfortable.  There is no way to get a groove on when it looks like the CIA is watching your every move.  Even more awkward, there is a corner of the room where several girls stand around looking alternately lost, bored, or in a time out.  This is the under-21 cadre of Club Rouge dancers, and, by law, they can only move from the stage to the dance area to the DJ booth.  Most clubs will serve alcohol and hire dancers 21 or older, or else sport the youngbloods and leave out the firewater.  This is Club Rouge’s solution to having both alcohol and dancers under 21.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Club Rouge is in downtown Portland.  You can take the MAX, you can take the bus, you can ride your bike.  After you come out, you can get food or find another strip club in almost any direction.  Or you can just stumble over to the Willamette river and puke over the railing while taking in the scenery.  The possibilities are endless.

Overall – For anyone who is interested in the tease, here it is.  The cover is almost nothing, but not quite.  The dances are full contact, but not from you.   The dance chairs are comfy, until the bouncer winks at you.  The VIP room is private, unless someone looks up at the window to wave.  If you need something to rile you up so you can go home and bang the shit out of the missus, this is the place for you.

TOTAL SCORE = 50