Club Erotica (McKees Rocks, PA)

Quality of Dances (10.5/20) –  Two-way contact is allowed so long as you tip appropriately and the bed-style setup should be amazing, but the fact that there's absolutely no privacy makes it tough to relax and enjoy these dances too much.  I was almost glad that the ladies don't provide much of a grind since I wasn't in the mood to show off for all of the other customers in the room.

The other big drawback of these dances is that you don't have any interaction with the girls beforehand, so you might end up with someone who you just have zero chemistry with.  To get a dance, you go upstairs without the girl, then tell the dj who you want and he calls her up.  She gets no say in who she dances for and you don't get to feel out how into it she'll be, except at the stage.  One girl that I got a dance from came up the stairs and wandered around for a bit before realizing that I was the guy who had purchased her services.  I couldn't fill her in either since I had no idea who she was - I'd just told the dj to hook me up with a good one.  Once she realized that she'd be dancing for me, she said, "thank god it's you...I thought it was one of those black guys." I don't support that kind of racist attitude, but it sucks for the girls who get stuck dancing for guys that they're uncomfortable with and it sucks for the unwanted customers who just dropped $20 for a girl to go through the motions.

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – These ladies are really hot, and on any given night, may be the hottest in Pittsburgh.  On other nights, Cheerleaders might edge them out, but I doubt that you'll ever be disappointed in the ladies in here.

Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – There are several girls on stage at a time, but they have insanely long stage sets, so you're out of luck for awhile if you don't like the girls that you see.  Plus, I have no idea where the ladies go when they're off stage, but they certainly aren't working the crowd.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of the dancers are relatively thin white chicks.  There were also a few thicker girls and one or two black dancers, but overall, the variety is adequate at best.

Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – These ladies were all very friendly, telling me some great stories about Penguins and Steelers players who are regulars.  Let's just say that Maxime Talbot doesn't only get the superstar treatment while shopping for cars.  I also enjoyed the one girl's response when I asked about the Pirates: "They probably come in, but no one in Pittsburgh would recognize them anyway."  The reason that they lose points is that you only really interact with the dancers while you're getting a dance.  A bouncer even escorts the girls while they walk from one stage to another, apparently to keep customers from talking to them.

Value (3/10) – You can't beat the beer value since you just pay $1 for the cup then drink for free.  It's their ingenious but borderline illegal way around the fact that they don't have a liquor license.  Unfortunately, nothing else is nearly as good of a deal.  Dances are $20, but the girls let you know that you're welcome to tip if you enjoy them.  The real killer, though, is that they have a $20 cover on top of the $5 mandatory valet, and they wouldn't budge on either fee even though they were closing in an hour and I parked my car myself.  Greedy bastards.

Dance Setup (2/10) –  The dances are given on bed-style benches kind of like what they have at Little Darlings in Las Vegas.  Sadly, the "beds" at Club Erotica are right out in the open and the room is very bright, so the bouncer and everyone else on the second floor of the club can watch you.  Whereas the "beds" at Little Darlings make for amazing dances, they just make for an awkward experience here since you're laying down in a room full of dudes.

Club Setup (3/10) –  The main area of the club is on the first floor of the building, and it has somewhat of a warehouse feel.  It's basically just a big rectangular room with four stages and not much else.  They have one large kidney shaped stage, 2 smaller stages and 1 tiny stage in the corner.  That means there's plenty of stage-side seating, but there better be since there's nowhere else to sit.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – I really wasn't feeling this place.  They only played 80's music while I was there, but I hope/assume that it was some kind of theme night.  Worse yet, the insanely long stage sets and the way that the bouncers escorts girls around just make this a poor place to hang out.  It seems to be fairly popular, but mostly with the young jackass crowd.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – This place isn't far from downtown Pittsburgh and wouldn't be a bad cab ride to get to, plus it's right down the street from Silky's.  You probably won't be staying right by Club Erotica, but it's still easy to get to, and they have plenty of parking.  Even if it is valet only.

Overall – Club Erotica has some of the hottest dancers around, but, for me, that's just not enough to make up for lackluster lapdances, no dancer-customer interaction and plastic cup beers.  If attractive dancers were my top priority, I'd much prefer Cheerleaders in Pittsburgh-proper.  I would say that Club Erotica may be worth a look if you're already right down the street at Silky's, but even that can't be justified due to the $20 cover and mandatory valet.  The bottom line is that, even though Club Erotica isn't a terrible club, I just don't see myself ever going back.

RAW SCORE = 40.5

La Vie en Proost (Amsterdam)

Quality of Dances (11/20) – If you assumed that these dances would be super aggressive so that La Vie en Proost could try to compete with the surrounding booth girls, you assumed wrong.  The dancers straddle customers and encourage tit grabbing, but there's little to no grind.  I did at least like that you get to choose between sticking with the standard topless dance or upgrading to a nude dance for twice the price.  Overall though, these dances aren't actually that bad, but the fact that there's no grind combined with the knowledge that girls are banging in the booths five feet from the front door to the club makes them an underwhelming experience.    

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – There seems to be a much higher percentage of old girls and fake tits in this place than in the booths surrounding it.  The girls still aren't bad, and one or two are actually very attractive, but it's strange to be in a city where adult entertainers prefer to be prostitutes but switch to stripping if they want to remain in the adult industry but can't compete.  That's basically the opposite of every other city that I've ever been too.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – There are significantly more dancers than customers during the day, and even though it can get packed with guys later in the evening, there are still plenty of girls.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – All of the ladies that I saw at La Vie en Proost were white, though there was at least some variation in age, size, hair color and implant style.  Whether you're a fan of silicone or saline, you're in luck.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – These ladies seem friendly enough, but they're really hard on the sale and will be more than willing to hustle you if you let them.  For example, many of them won't tell you how much the dances cost, instead saying, "just give me what you think I'm worth."  Of course, they'll be happy to let you know how much the dances cost if you think they're worth less than 10 Euros for topless dances or 20 Euros for nude dances.

Value (3/10) – The cover is a reasonable €5, but €6.50 beers and €10 (topless) or  €20 (nude) dances mean that if you pay the cover, buy a drink, and get 2 nude dances, you'll have just blown more money in 6 minutes than you'd have spend to get blown for 15 minutes anywhere else in town. Assuming 3 minutes per dance, the the topless dances are the same price per minute as the surrounding fuck sessions, and they're a bargain compared to the nude dances. Even if you aren't into prostitutes, the result is that you feel like a sucker for paying these prices.

Dance Setup (0/10) – You get your dance on the stool that you're already sitting on at stage side.  Unlike all the other clubs I've ever been too, the girls who are on stage rather than the girls circulating the club are the ones who are ready to give dances.  They just slide off of the stage onto your lap.  It's pretty much the least private dance imaginable.  And it's even worse if you aren't lucky enough to get one of the stools.    

Club Setup (2.5/10) – This is a small, narrow club with 2 bars with wide tops for the girls to dance on.  Unfortunately, there isn't anywhere to sit other than the bar stools at the stages, so, at night, most of the customers have no choice but to stand.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The crowd here is mostly made up of the same douchebags who end up at the peep shows, but what else are you going to do if you want good clean (relative to the surroundings) personal interaction with a naked lady in this town. Still, this place isn't too seedy and is small enough that you can really make your own atmosphere if you're with a decent sized group of guys.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – This place is in the heart of the best part of the Red Light District, so if you're checking out the girls in the windows, you'll be nearby.  It's a little hard to find if you don't know what you're looking for, but just head down the tiny alley (Trompettersteeg) by the Bulldog Coffeeshop near the Oude Kerk and you'll walk right into it.  Just don't turn too soon at La Vie en Rose, because that's not the club.  That's just a very shady group of booths right outside of the club, but I wouldn't recommend going in there at night unless you have a very tight grip on your wallet.

Overall – La Vie en Proost isn't a good strip club, but it's the only game in town, so it may be worth considering if you're in Amsterdam for a guys' weekend and aren't up for actually banging a prostitute.  Just be careful with your cash because hustling ladies and a city full of weed and alcohol is a combination that can quickly lead to an empty wallet.

RAW SCORE = 40.5

Pleasant Moments (Bridgeport, CT)

UPDATE: Pleasant Moments was closed for much of 2011, but it's now open again and is the same as ever.

Quality of Dances (17/20) – I hate to implicate a club in illegal activities, so I'll start this off by saying that not every girl offered extras (maybe they would have if I'd talked to them, but who can be sure?) and I didn't see any signs that the bartender or bouncer knew about or condoned what the girls were offering.  Plus, they have a sign in the bathroom reminding customers that they'll be asked to leave if they're caught doing drugs, so you know the club is on the up and up.  Having said that, several girls were shocked to find out that I actually wanted a dance since I guess not many customers at Pleasant Moments are looking for that.  Still, they all gave a good effort and were happy to do as much or as little as I wanted them to.  The one girl was even apologetic for her less than skilled dance moves, saying, "sorry, I don't not how to dance to this Spanish music - I usually just suck dick to it."  I had to knock them down a few points because the high chairs can make the contact awkward (more on that below), but these are still great dances.  

Quality of Dancers (2/10) – I've seen a few really hot girls and a lot of not so hot girls, but just about everyone in this place looks a little worn out.  Still, I've always managed to find at least one girl worth getting a dance from on any given night, and if you're into thick girls, you should find a lot more than that.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Pleasant Moments isn't a large club, but there usually aren't more than about 2 customers for every dancer except on weekend nights, so you won't have any problem getting one for a dance.  Unfortunately, the number of dancers is usually in the single digits, and the number of hot dancers is usually in the low single digits, so you might have a hard time finding one you like.  Or, worse yet, you may have to wait for a girl that you like to finish up a dance with another customer, and considering what goes on during many of the "dances," that can be fairly disconcerting.  

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – They have thick, thin, black, and Latina dancers, but you're pretty much out of luck if you're into white ladies.  There is one who's there most of the time, but I just can't bring myself to get a dance from someone who I know has spent too much time in this place.  

Attitude of Dancers (5.5/10) – A few of the ladies are a little strung out (I guess they missed the "no drugs allowed" sign), but they're actually very friendly for the most part.  The combination of friendly girls and the aggressive dances means that I've never had an easier time turning girls down.  If you just say, "sorry, I just had one," almost all of the ladies will say something along the lines of, "ooohhhh, maybe in a half hour or so, then?"  The closest that I got to a bad attitude was one girl who pissily asked me, "what am i supposed to do with these tissues if we're not fucking?"  My question is, what were you going to do with those tissues if we were fucking?  Personally, I'd prefer a condom.  Also, unsurprisingly, this place has had some issues with the Bridgeport Police Department, so if you're white and are dressed in business apparel, you better be seen drinking alcohol the second you walk in, or the girls will disappear.  I don't usually drink water in clubs, but I made an exception here because I figured the bottles would be the cleanest things the place.  Only one girl approached me until I switched to beer, then it was open season. 

Value (6.5/10) – The cover charge is $5, Coronas are $5.50 (that's all anyone drinks) and the stage value is off the charts if you're the kind of guy who likes to grope a girl out in the open.  The real value though comes from the lapdances, which are about the most contact you'll ever get for $20.  And if you're looking for a "dance" rather than a dance, that's a disturbingly cheap $60 from most of the ladies.  

Dance Setup (7/10) –  Dances are given in individual tiny rooms with doors that close and lock.  The only real downsides are the sticky floors and the uncomforable stools that you know people fuck on.  They're just too high off the floor for a proper lapdance, though I imagine that they're not coincidentally the perfect height for using to bend someone over.   

Club Setup (0/10) – This place is a shithole.  There's a large bar with a decent view of the shitty eye-level stage, then there's a raised area off to the side where there are a few stage-side seats and 2 pool tables.  I enjoyed that they have ice in the urinals because few things are more fun that melting that while drunk, but if a ghetto way to save money on urinal cakes is the highlight of a club, that's a bad sign. 

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – If you feel a need to remind customers that drugs are not allowed, you know there are some shady characters around.  I've surprisingly never felt that I was in danger while in Pleasant Moments, but that's primarily due to the fact that everyone is thoroughly patted down upon entering the club.  Still, the shady atmosphere and the constant questions about whether I'm a cop add up to a poor atmosphere, but I doubt that even this club's biggest fans really enjoy hanging out here.  You come here to cum here, and that's about it.  

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – I don't know my way around Bridgeport enough to say whether there are mass transit options, but you'd probably want to be able to get out of here at a moment's notice anyway, so you'll be driving to Pleasant Moments. It isn't in a great neighborhood, but at least you can park close enough to the club that you shouldn't really need to worry about your car.  

Overall – I'm all about aggressive lap dances, but Pleasant Moments is just too dirty, literally and figuratively, to justify me stopping by.  If you're interested in more than dances, that may change the equation for you, but you should definitely be careful with this place.  Police busted the club in late 2010 and both dancers and customers were arrested, so I have to think it's only a matter of time until it's raided again or shut down permanently.  

RAW SCORE = 45.5

Feature Dancer: Little Lupe Fuentes

First of all, I hate feature dancers.  More often than not, they're over-the-hill pornstars with terrible fake tits, they're magnets for large groups of meatheads, they either don't give lapdances or they give shitty lapdances for somewhere around $100, and you have to pay 2 to 4 times the usual cover just to get into the club.  And I hate pornstars whose big selling point is that they look like little girls.  Wearing your hair in pigtails does not make you look young; it just makes you look like a sad 20-something who isn't hot enough to get by in the world of porn without a gimmick.  So when you combine my dislike of feature dancers with my distast for faux-teens, you'd think that spending a Saturday night at the Crazy Horse with Little Lupe Fuentes would be pretty far down my list of things to do.  Well you'd normally be right, but Lupe has been the only part of the Howard Stern show that I've consistently enjoyed over the last year, so I decided to stop by just to hear that voice come out of a real person.

I was in the area all day, but my time was limited, so I stopped by the club in the early evening to find out what time the shows would be starting.  I was told that the three shows would start at 9:30, 11:30 and 1:30.  I showed up around 11:15 for the second show, but after paying the ridiculous $20 cover, was told that Lupe had just gotten off stage and wouldn't be dancing again until 1 am.  I don't know whether the schedule change was the club's fault or Lupe's fault, but I wasn't too pleased about having to decide between wasting $20 and wasting 2 hours of my time.  In the end, I decided that since I'd already spent the money, I'd just stick it out and kill some time with the regular dancers.  According to them, the club had been dead all night because the $20 cover was keeping out everyone other than a few Howard Stern fans and a few borderline pedophiles.  Basically, these weren't your usual go to a strip club and buy a dance kind of guys.  I did my best to make up for it to the point where, by 1 o'clock, I was probably 10 times further in the hole than I would have been if I'd been willing to waste the initial $20 and walk out as soon as I walked in.  Oh well. It wasn't the first and I'm sure it won't be the last time I make that mistake.

Anyway, right at 1 am, the DJ announced for all 2 dozen or so patrons to head over to the Lounge half of the club for the Little Lupe performance.  For those of you who aren't familiar with the Crazy Horse, the main area is just topless, but the Crazy Horse Lounge is fully nude.  Lupe came out wearing a bikini and a feather boa and did a 30 second tease before losing the top, but there really wasn't much of a performance to it.  She basically just walked and crawled around the stage for the first song, then she did one spin around the pole and took off her bottoms during the second song.  She stayed on stage for a song or two after that, but didn't really do much of anything other than hold pictures of herself in her mouth and give them to the customers who gave the biggest tips.  Sadly, I was one of them, with my 4 singles on the stage.  Then she did the same thing with a DVD.  Again, I was the high bidder with $3 out there.  I'm not sure if the lack of tips contributed to her attitude, or if her attitude contributed to the lack of tips, but she did not look happy to be up on stage.  She rarely looked at the crowd, never smiled, and just generally seemed to be going through the motions.  Of course, maybe she was nervous or has no dance skills, or maybe I was projecting my discomfort due to the fact that she looks like she's about 14, but the whole scene was fairly sad.  

After the show, Lupe hung out for a while and signed pictures and DVDs.  I think she was charging for that, but I didn't really want a signed porn star picture (I'd already given my free picture and DVD away to one of the cheap creepers who wasn't willing to throw a few bills on the stage), so I passed on that opportunity.  I did at least get a chance to say hello to her, and she was all smiles and seemed more like the fun loving girl from the Stern show than the distant ice queen from the stage.  I wouldn't have paid the usual $100 feature dancer lap dance price anyway, but it was kind of a bummer that she didn't offer them, because it made it all the more clear that she didn't want to interact with her fans.  Of course, since half of her fans look like they probably spend most of their time trying to hand out free candy to schoolchildren, it's hard to blame her too much for not wanting to interact with them.

Overall, the performance was somewhat of a disappointment, but it was probably worth the $20 and a few singles to put a face to the sound drops that I hear every morning on the radio.  If you aren't a Stern fan though, I don't think there's any reason to bother going to see Little Lupe in person.  I don't mean that as an insult to Lupe, because, like every other pornstar out there, she'd have had to really go above and beyond to make it worth going to see a feature dancer.  It's just that, like 99% of the pornstars out there, Lupe didn't.

Studio Octopussy (Montreal, QC)

When the strip clubs and bars shut down at 3am in Montreal, you'll be looking for something else to do before calling it a night, and you'll have a few options.

Some nights, all that you'll want is a big plate of poutine to soak up some of the ridiculous amount of beer that you've ingested.  If you don't mind taking a cab, I highly recommend La Banquise.  It's open all night and it's god's gift to drunks.  

Other nights, you'll consider heading over to the Circus after hours club, but it will be more awkward than fun unless you're much higher than I've ever been.         

But eventually, you'll be looking for some more adult entertainment, and since the strip clubs are all closed, you'll have to go to one of the two most elegantly named establishments around - Pussy Corps and Studio Octopussy.  I'll save you the suspense and just tell you right now, Pussy Corps isn't even worth considering, so it really comes down to Octopussy or nothing.  It's a massage parlor, and since I'm not a massage parlor expert, I'll just tell you what you'll find here and leave it up to you to decide whether or not it's worth your time and money.

When you go through the doorway, you walk up the flight of stairs to a desk where you wait to be greeted by a hostess.  The hostess then takes you to a group of couches where you wait for a lineup of girls to be presented to you, one at a time.  On a bad night, there might be two or three girls in the lineup, but on a good night there can be upwards of a dozen to chose from.  Remembering 10 names and faces (or bodies) is tough for me when I'm sober, but when I'm falling down drunk at 3:30am in Montreal, it's impossible.  The key is to remember the first girl's name, then when the second girl come out, immediately decide if she's better or worse than the first girl.  If she's better, remember her name and forget about the first girl; if she's worse, don't even bother listening to her name.  Then just repeat until the last girl come out and the only name that you remember will be the one that you want.

Unlike at the stereotypical massage parlors in the U.S., most of the girls here are white.  There's some variation of body types, but the biggest choice usually comes down to blonde or brunette and implants or real tits.  I've never had a problem finding a few girls who look good (enough), but I should point out that my standards aren't all that discriminating by the time I make it to this place.  I have a feeling that they may not look as good while sober, but I've never felt the need to test that theory and I doubt that you will either, so it's irrelevant.  If you don't like any of the girls who are initially presented, you can pass on all of them and wait for more to become available, but I always prefer to chose one on the first pass so that I'm not as directly forced to think about the fact that some other dude probably just made a bundt cake of the hand that's about to rub my back.

Anyway, once you pick your girl, you'll be taken to a room where you have to pre-pay $55 to the house, after which the girl gives you several options for what type of massage you want.  A small tip will get you a regular massage from a fully clothed lady. For $60, the girl will get naked and give you a massage, then oil herself up and rub herself over your back. As far as I know, happy endings are always offered but nothing more is available.  I've never asked, so maybe there's more on the menu, but since the girls offer handies without being prompted, I assume that they'd put it out there if they were willing to do more.

Like I said before, I'm not a massage parlor veteran, so it's hard for me to judge the service.  Still, it seems adequate to me as long as you're expecting more of a soft touch body rub than a genuine massage.  The price also seems fairly reasonable, since a half hour of nude slip and slide comes out to $115 after tip, which breaks down cheaper per minute than the average lap dance.   My only caveat regarding the value is that, on more than one occasion, I've laid down on the table, promptly fallen asleep and woken up to find that my wallet is nearly empty.  Maybe I spent my money earlier in the evening or maybe the masseuses robbed me, but staying awake is probably a good idea just to be safe. Either way, you'll be happy to know that your bank statement will show a much more legitimate sounding name than "Studio Octopussy" in case you find yourself needing to use their ATM.

The bottom line is that Studio Octopussy isn't for everybody, but if a massage parlor sounds like a good time to you, you'll probably enjoy your visit.  And on the bright side, even if you're underwhelmed as you walk out at 4am, Circus will still be going strong until dawn and La Banquise never closes.  How can you not love this city?