Studio Octopussy (Montreal, QC)

When the strip clubs and bars shut down at 3am in Montreal, you'll be looking for something else to do before calling it a night, and you'll have a few options.

Some nights, all that you'll want is a big plate of poutine to soak up some of the ridiculous amount of beer that you've ingested.  If you don't mind taking a cab, I highly recommend La Banquise.  It's open all night and it's god's gift to drunks.  

Other nights, you'll consider heading over to the Circus after hours club, but it will be more awkward than fun unless you're much higher than I've ever been.         

But eventually, you'll be looking for some more adult entertainment, and since the strip clubs are all closed, you'll have to go to one of the two most elegantly named establishments around - Pussy Corps and Studio Octopussy.  I'll save you the suspense and just tell you right now, Pussy Corps isn't even worth considering, so it really comes down to Octopussy or nothing.  It's a massage parlor, and since I'm not a massage parlor expert, I'll just tell you what you'll find here and leave it up to you to decide whether or not it's worth your time and money.

When you go through the doorway, you walk up the flight of stairs to a desk where you wait to be greeted by a hostess.  The hostess then takes you to a group of couches where you wait for a lineup of girls to be presented to you, one at a time.  On a bad night, there might be two or three girls in the lineup, but on a good night there can be upwards of a dozen to chose from.  Remembering 10 names and faces (or bodies) is tough for me when I'm sober, but when I'm falling down drunk at 3:30am in Montreal, it's impossible.  The key is to remember the first girl's name, then when the second girl come out, immediately decide if she's better or worse than the first girl.  If she's better, remember her name and forget about the first girl; if she's worse, don't even bother listening to her name.  Then just repeat until the last girl come out and the only name that you remember will be the one that you want.

Unlike at the stereotypical massage parlors in the U.S., most of the girls here are white.  There's some variation of body types, but the biggest choice usually comes down to blonde or brunette and implants or real tits.  I've never had a problem finding a few girls who look good (enough), but I should point out that my standards aren't all that discriminating by the time I make it to this place.  I have a feeling that they may not look as good while sober, but I've never felt the need to test that theory and I doubt that you will either, so it's irrelevant.  If you don't like any of the girls who are initially presented, you can pass on all of them and wait for more to become available, but I always prefer to chose one on the first pass so that I'm not as directly forced to think about the fact that some other dude probably just made a bundt cake of the hand that's about to rub my back.

Anyway, once you pick your girl, you'll be taken to a room where you have to pre-pay $55 to the house, after which the girl gives you several options for what type of massage you want.  A small tip will get you a regular massage from a fully clothed lady. For $60, the girl will get naked and give you a massage, then oil herself up and rub herself over your back. As far as I know, happy endings are always offered but nothing more is available.  I've never asked, so maybe there's more on the menu, but since the girls offer handies without being prompted, I assume that they'd put it out there if they were willing to do more.

Like I said before, I'm not a massage parlor veteran, so it's hard for me to judge the service.  Still, it seems adequate to me as long as you're expecting more of a soft touch body rub than a genuine massage.  The price also seems fairly reasonable, since a half hour of nude slip and slide comes out to $115 after tip, which breaks down cheaper per minute than the average lap dance.   My only caveat regarding the value is that, on more than one occasion, I've laid down on the table, promptly fallen asleep and woken up to find that my wallet is nearly empty.  Maybe I spent my money earlier in the evening or maybe the masseuses robbed me, but staying awake is probably a good idea just to be safe. Either way, you'll be happy to know that your bank statement will show a much more legitimate sounding name than "Studio Octopussy" in case you find yourself needing to use their ATM.

The bottom line is that Studio Octopussy isn't for everybody, but if a massage parlor sounds like a good time to you, you'll probably enjoy your visit.  And on the bright side, even if you're underwhelmed as you walk out at 4am, Circus will still be going strong until dawn and La Banquise never closes.  How can you not love this city?