Camelot West (Lexington, KY)

Quality of Dances (12.5/20) – You're probably better off sticking with table dances, but if you can manage to find anyone worth getting a lap dance from, you should be pleased with the quality.  The girls give a good grind and encourage at least moderate two way contact, and a lot of girls will graze their hands over your crotch.  Many of the girls will promise that lots of fun can be had if the reasonably priced locked private booths, but I had zero interest in getting more intimate with these ladies.

Quality of Dancers (1/10) – Most of these ladies were a little older, a little larger, or both.  I only saw one who I'd rate above a 6, and most of them were in the 2-5 range on the non-pro scale.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – I saw about a half dozen dancers and there was a decent dancer to customer ratio, but that really doesn't do you any good if the only attractive girl is tied up with regulars for the entire evening.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – They've got a fairly even mix of black and white dancers, and I did see one Latina as well.  You really don't have much choice of who to look at, though, when there's only one hot dancer in the building.  As for size, it seemed to correlate with skin tone, so you're out of luck if you're looking for a larger white lady or a smaller black one.

Attitude of Dancers (5.5/10) – They're not going to be getting many customers who just stop in because they're passing by and think it looks like a nice place to check out.  They know that everyone who stops here is a regular or at least a potential regular, so they treat customers accordingly.  If they'd get rid of the strung out girls, this score would be higher, but everyone is really friendly and you should be able to have some decent conversation if that's what you're looking for.

Value (7.5/10) – You can't beat $2.25 beers and no cover during happy hour, and, even in the evening, $3.50 beers and a $5 cover are a bargain. You'll bore quickly if you're tring to be a spectator since the stage is empty for long stretches of time, but the $5 table dances are a popular way to stretch your cash, and most of the girls offer full lap dances for two-for-$25 or two-for-$30.

Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance area is a separate section of the club beside the dj booth, so the dj and anyone who is giving or receiving a dance can see what you're up to.  Still, since most people stick to the table dances, the lack of dividers between the couches isn't a deal breaker.

Club Setup (1/10) – I rarely care about strip club restrooms, but the facilities at Camelot West are so bad that I'd be doing you a disservice to not mention them. There are two urinals in the room and the door doesn't lock, so it's clearly not meant to be a one-at-a-time deal, but there's a toilet in there with no stall or dividers whatsoever.  I don't even know whether it would be more awkward dropping a deuce in front of a guy who's just trying to take a piss, or if it would be worse to be pissing in front of a guy who's laying some cable, but neither would be good.  And if that's not enough, there's a makeshift peephole (or a glory hole for a micro-penis?) between the men's and women's bathrooms that's been plugged up with toilet paper.  The worst part, though, is that the bathroom looks exactly how you expect it to look based on the rundown shithole that is Camelot West.  If it were better maintained, the setup might not actually be that bad - there's a raised area near the front that helps everyone get a good view of the small octagonal stage and there's plenty of seating at either the long bar or the small tables that are scattered around the room - but it's better days had to have been several presidencies ago.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place is a pure dive bar, so the crowd really can make the difference between it being a solid place to pound a few beers and it being a shithole where you wouldn't want to spend much time.  Unfortunately, half the crowd seemed a little rough and the other half consisted of creepy old men in way-too-short basketball shorts. I can't fault their logic, because the basketball shorts in a strip club is to guys looking to buy sex what the rolled up right pant leg was to guys looking to buy drugs in the 90s, but have a little self respect and wear some proper clothes. Cargos or khaki shorts are acceptable on a hot day and offer similar access without the side effect of creeping out every girl in the place.  Sure, it will require a little more work in telling the girls what you want, but that's a small price to pay to maintain your dignity.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – The club is in a strip mall on the west side of Lexingon. It's easy to get to an there's more than enough parking, but I didn't get the sense that this is the best part of town.

Overall – Camelot West is a run down piece of shit club where you really shouldn't plan to go if you're just looking for dances. If, on the other hand, you're looking or more than that, it might be worth keeping in mind since it's the safest bet for extra services in the Lexington area. Even then, I'd take my chances at one of the other clubs first, but you should be comforted to know that Camelot West is there if the other clubs have left you high and dry by the time that you're down to your last $100.

RAW SCORE = 38.5

Deja Vu Lexington (Lexington, KY)

Quality of Dances (6.5/20) – The dances at Deja Vu are fairly mediocre. I like the short preview that you get when the girl dances on the small stage in the dance booth and the dancers do make contact with customers, but the dj constantly announces to "keep your hands inside the ride at all times."  I assume that means that you aren't supposed to touch the dancers, but assuming that the dancers are the "rides," maybe I misinterpreted that.  Either way, I didn't get the feeling that tit grabbing would be acceptable, though minimal lower body contact is fine.

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – Deja Vu has the biggest variation in quality of any of the local clubs.  They had the two hottest dancers that I saw on my Lexington strip club tour, but they also had a lot of worn out and mediocre girls taking up space.  Overall, the quality was decent but nothing to write home about.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They have lots of dancers and a very nice dancer-to-customer ratio, but the limited number of really hot dancers prevents them from getting a overly high score here.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Most of the ladies at this place are thin and white, and the really hot ones that I saw were all brunettes. Even though they were less impressive, I was pleased to at least see one or two African Americans to break up the monotony.

Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – Most of the ladies at Deja Vu are all business.  They aren't exactly rude, but if you don't get a dance right away, they probably aren't going to stick around for more than a few seconds.  Plus, this was the first place that I've ever been asked if I'd like to buy a drink for a dancer while getting a lap dance.  The blame for that obviously belongs with the waitress rather than with the dancers, but the result is nevertheless that you don't even momentarily forget that you're paying for these ladies' company.  

Value (6.5/10) – The dances are an okay value at $20 each, the $12 cover is reasonable for an alcohol-free club with free sodas, and the nude stage action is above average, but the real value comes from the crazy specials that they have.  Sometimes dances are $15, sometimes they're buy one get one free, sometimes you can get 2 girls at a time for the regular dance price, and sometimes they have something called "mystery dances."  Even after getting one of them, I still have no idea what the fuck they are.  Basically, they played some sort of achy breaky heart-ish country music and then announced a girl who was the mystery girl.  The girl who was dancing for me was the mystery girl, so I think I was supposed to get a free porn DVD or something similarly pervish, but I didn't bother to tell the DJ that I was the winner though, so maybe I'm wrong about the prize.  Either way, I was as confused as I've ever been while sober.  

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – You'd think that the setup would be decent since you get your own booth, but the opening faces directly into the main area of the club so everyone can watch your dance. It was particularly bad during one of my dances when a table full of girls stared in my direction while laughing hysterically.  I wish I'd know at the time that it was just a bachelorette party laughing at the bachelorette who was getting a dance in the booth beside me, because that dance was a very uncomfortable 3 minutes.  

Club Setup (3.5/10) – The club reminded me of a smaller version of Deja Vu's Las Vegas location, but it was a little more run down than the other Deja Vu clubs that I've been to and it was uncomfortably hot.  It's just one big room with a lot of small tables and rolly chairs, and there are a few tall tables in the back near the juice bar.  Everyone does at least have a decent view of the three-polled stage in the front of the room, but only one girl was on it at a time while I was there while I was there on a Saturday night.  

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – The vibe is pretty solid for an alcohol-free club and the DJ does everything that he can to pump up the energy level.  I don't usually enjoy a loud DJ and the weird jokey songs and mystery dances are a little over the top, but this guy is actually pretty good. As long as you manage to ignore the young jackasses that fill the place (this is the only strip club option in town for the under-21 crowd), it's easy to have a good time at Deja Vu.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Deja Vu is on the north side of Lexington and is very close to both Cowboys and Divas, and they have more than enough parking even when the club is hopping.  The only real drawback is that the entrace is in direct view of the main road, but I didn't really care about that since I'm not from the area and am shameless.  It might not be great for you, though, if you'd prefer to hide your strip club habit from anyone in Lexington.  

Overall –  Deja Vu Lexington is an okay club, but it's just not good enough in any individual aspect to overcome the lack of alcohol as far as I'm concerned.  That might be different for you if you're under 21 or are working your way through the 12 step program, but, either way, Deja Vu is a decent but unspectacular option for seeing some naked ladies in Lexington.  

RAW SCORE = 44

Cowboys (Lexington, KY)

Quality of Dances (12/20) – The dances at Cowboys are among the best that you'll find in Lexington.  Most of the girls give a solid grind and are active over the pants (and in a few cases, under the pants) with their hands.  The over the pants vibrating mouth action is particularly popular and appreciated.  Unfortunately, other than hands on the hips, the contact is one-way and the bottoms stay on.  I usually stick with topless dances anyway, but it is nice at all the other Lexington clubs to have the option to upgrade if the mood strikes.  On the plus side, even though lap dances are always my dance of choice, it's nice that they also offer moderate friction table dances that are just as useful if your real goal is to give the girl a tryout for the 15 minute VIP.  Some of the girls offer to lend a helping hand in the VIP and a few might even do more than that, but the separate cameras pointed directly at each VIP booth will be enough to keep guys with anything to lose from trying to go too far.

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – They usually have a few 8s and 9s, but quality control is fairly low, with a sizeable percentage of the girls having some glaring weakness, such as a bad boob job, a jacked up face or just a generally tired and worn out appearance.

Number of Dancers (5/10) – The actual number of dancers isn't too bad with short stage sets and not too many repeats, but the fact that there are only a few truly hot ones combined with the fact that most if not all of those hot ones are perpetually tied up with regulars means that you're going to have to drop your standards or be very patient if you want a dance when it's busy.  I was approached by a few worthy dance candidates by the end of my first beer during the day shift, but on a Saturday night, it was rare to be approached by any of the dozen-ish dancers who were on the floor, and it was even more rare to be approached by anyone who I'd rate as a 7 or above.  Of course, things are much better if you're a regular, but, for the rest of us, the lack of quality dancers can be frustrating.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of these girls are either thin and white or very thin and white.  Even though I did see a few black dancers, hair color was the only meaningful variation, because all of the women who were worth a look were Caucasian.

Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – Some of the hottest dancers are all business, particularly when the club is busy, but these ladies are generally pretty friendly.  I'm a particularly big fan of the way that a lot of them ask if you want company after you get a dance.  It really puts the ball in your court in a way that isn't too aggressive while still giving the shy guys an opening to ask for what they want.  They do try to use the lap dances to upsell to the VIP, but even that is low pressure, and a few girls suggested that I sample a few girls' table dances and lap dances before picking one for the VIP so that I'd be happy with my choice.  That's always a good idea anyway, but I've never had dancers suggest it.

Value (6.5/10) – The cover is low, cans of beer are only $3.25 and you can't beat $5 table dances, so Cowboys isn't a bad place to go if you're trying to stretch a dollar.  Lap dances are a little over priced at $20 each since they usually play very short songs, but at least you feel like you're getting something for your money. If you're looking to get a little more though, 15 minutes in the VIP area will run you $150.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) –  Lap dances are given in a separate room off of a back corner of the club, so nobody in the regular part of the club can watch you while you're getting your dances.  Unfortunately, there are no dividers in the room and it's very bright, so the DJ and anyone who's giving or receiving a dance can see you.  I'm not factoring in the VIP dance setup for this score, but, in case you're curious, it's a row of large booths that are only visible to people walking to and from their own VIP dances.  Well, them and whoever is monitoring the video feeds from the cameras that are right in front of and pointed at each booth.

Club Setup (3/10) – This place is a total dive.  There's a decent bar at one side of the club and a small bar at the other side and there are four high tables, but most people just sit at the shitty small tables with rolly chairs. The club is small enough that no one is too far from the main stage or the tiny stage that's off to the one side (or the third stage that was unused while I was there), but the lack of seating at the stage means that guys line up to hand the girls tips, blocking everyone else's view in the process.

Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – If you're looking for a gentlemen's club, go elsewhere, because Cowboys is a strip joint in the purest sense.  Cans of beer?  A slightly rough crowd?  Country music? Check, check, check.  Having said that, there are enough young bachelor partiers and crusty old men that you'd shouldn't feel too out of place no matter who you are.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Cowboys is on the north side of town, but it's not far from downtown Lexington and is fairly close to a few other strip clubs.  The location at the back of a strip mall is a little unusual, but there's plenty of parking and the entrance is discreet, so it's not bad.

Overall – Cowboys is very much a hybrid of the glamorous clubs like Platinum Plus and the gritty clubs like Divas.  Whether its a best-of-both-worlds hybrid or a worst-of-both-worlds hybrid really depends on when you go.  The relatively small number of quality dancers means that you never quite know what you'll get on any particular visit, but your chances of finding it at its best are inversely proportional to how busy the club is, so I'd try not to go on a weekend night if at all possible.  If you hit it right (or if you're a regular, in which case you already know this), Cowboys is the only club in town where you can get above average dances from above average dancers.  If you hit it wrong, though, it can be a frustrating experience.  Overall, it's worth stopping by and having a beer while you scope it out, but you need to be willing to bail if necessary, because it will not improve as the night goes on.

RAW SCORE = 51

Club Onyx (Atlanta, GA)

Quality of Dances (4/20) –  These are a little more variable, but, overall, the dances at Onyx are slightly worse than the useless ones that you'd get at the Pink Pony. Most of the girls alternate between 1 way contact and no contact at all, though some girls try to get a little creative and create a little bit of friction.  One girl even attempted a trick where she put her leg behind her head while standing in front of me, but she lost her balance and fell over right into my lap.  That was by far the most contact that I got at this place.  A few of the girls offer to show you a much better time outside of the club, but I definitely wouldn't go in with the expectation that you'll get that level of service.

Quality of Dancers (9/10) – Good lord, these ladies are blazing.  The top end might have be a notch below the top end at Magic City, but there are 9s everywhere and I haven't seen anyone below a 7.  My only complaint is that there are more breast implants than I'm used to seeing at black clubs and more ass implants than I'm used to seeing anywhere.

Number of Dancers (8/10) – They have well over 50 dancers working on the weekends and there are almost always several girls lined up along the main stage in the center of the club.  The ratio of girls to guys gets less impressive as the night goes on, but that's not a big deal at a place like this where watching the stage is much better than getting a table dance anyway.  Still, if you want a girl to join you, you should never have to wait too long.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – This is a black club with black dancers, so you should go elsewhere if that doesn't do anything for you.  The variety here comes almost exclusively from body types, with thick, think, muscular and jiggly dancers everywhere, and all of that variety is among high quality ladies.  You might think that some of them are a little too large if you're a fan of the Pink Pony girls, but I don't think that anyone would consider these girls fat.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – The attitudes are about average at the start of the night, with a lot of girls being happy to sit and chat, but they steadily decline as the evening goes on and the number of wallets in the building increases.  I've been asked to buy more drinks for dancers here than in all of the other Atlanta clubs combined, and many of them don't even seem appreciative if you do drop $10 for a pathetic looking cocktail in a tiny plastic cup.  One girl asked me to buy her a blue motherfucker, and, from her tone, I honestly couldn't tell whether that was the name of the drink or if it was just called a "blue," and she was referring to me as "motherfucker."  I didn't want to get involved in any drama in this place, so I said I'd get her when the waitress came by, but she said she wanted it immediately so she'd go to the bar to get it and I could give her the cash.  I guess the fact that this is a service industry was lost on her.

Value (5/10) – The drink hustle is a pain in the ass, but everything else is standard for Atlanta, with a $10 cover, $10 table dances and $5 beers.  The stage action isn't quite as good as at Magic City, but it's still very impressive and a good way to take in the sights without blowing through cash.

Dance Setup (0/10) – One girl moved me to a bench along the side wall when the club wasn't busy, but generally, you'll get your dance at your table or wherever you're standing. And if you're here on the weekend, you'll almost certainly be standing.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – Onyx is a fairly large club, particularly compared to what you expect when you see the front of the place because it's much deeper than it is wide.  It's reasonably nice inside, but seating is seriously lacking, especially when the club is busy.  There's a raised couch area off to the right side and a few tall tables near the stage, but you won't get a seat there on the weekend unless you're getting bottle service.  You can at least stand at one of the two bars though, and the view of the stage is pretty decent from everywhere in the club. The stage itself is very long and narrow, allowing the ladies to line up side by side to give you several asses to watch at at time.  The only really odd thing is that the ceilings are fairly low and unfinished, so the girls are up among the heating ducts when they climb the poles.  You'll rarely be looking above their waists anyway though, so you might not even notice that.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – If you enjoy hearing the latest hip hop tracks at an eardrum rattling volume, you'll love this place.  There's a good party vibe and the crowd doesn't seem to be too bad, but the security has been intense ever since a shooting a few years ago.  Since I try to hit the bad clubs as well as the good ones, I've been patted down often.  I've even been checked for a wire (speaking of which, Onyx's bathroom attendant sounds exactly like Clay Davis to the point where I'm sure I'd have given him a big tip to say "Sheeeeeeeeit" if I'd had a few more drinks).  But I've never experienced security like this.  An androgynous creature practically raped me at the entrance, first feeling my pockets, then moving my nuts to the side so it could check my taint for a gun.  If that was a man, and there's about a 50% chance that it was, then I can no longer say that I've never had a gay experience. I admittedly did feel secure once I was inside the place, but I'd rather live dangerously than go through a security check like that.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Onyx is easy to get to from most of downtown Atlanta, is practically walkable from Kamal's 21 and isn't too far from several other decent strip clubs.  It's definitely possible to stop by for a short visit without feeling like you wasted too much time or money getting there.

Overall – This place is like a larger but slightly less classy version of Magic City.  It's a nice place to see some of the most beautiful black women in the world, just don't expect quality dances or a relaxing atmosphere, because you won't find either here.  I'll stop by occasionally since it's on the way to better clubs, but it will never be my primary destination for a night out in Atlanta.

RAW SCORE = 43

Goldrush Showbar (Atlanta, GA)

Quality of Dances (6/20) – Like pretty much everywhere else in Atlanta, you'll just be getting table dances unless you drop some significant cash for the VIP area.  There's no 2-way contact other than hands on the hips and there's no grinding, but the girls do create a little friction and some of them occasionally graze your crotch with their hands.  The girls said that at least moderate 2-way contact would be allowed in the VIP, but I've never been approached by a girl worth spending a half hour with, so I can't confirm that.

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – There's the occasional stunner, but the majority of these girls are fairly mediocre.  For the most part, they're either cute but not hot, or they're hot but a little worn out.  It's still not hard to find a girl worth spending $10 on for a table dance, but just know that these girls are a significant step down in quality from what you'd find at a half dozen or more other Atlanta clubs.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – They've always had plenty of girls working when I've been there, whether it's been early or late.  Even when it's busy, you'll be approached by a different lady every few minutes, and there are almost always several ladies dancing at a time.  You'll obviously have less competition for the few really hot dancers if you come early though.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – Goldrush has a fairly good mix of black and white dancers, and certainly has more black dancers than most of the other non-exclusively-black Atlanta clubs.  Their black dancers can't compete with what you'd find at Magic City or Onyx, but it's still nice to have a little variety thrown in to keep things interesting.

Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – The regulars seem to get plenty of love, but as a first-time and second-time visitor, I just got an endless loop of "wannadance?" throughout the night.  Stripping is a business, but these ladies make very little effort to try to hide that fact.  Some, but not all, of them are friendly once you spend some cash, but why bother spending cash to get to that point with a girl who isn't friendly?  Especially at a place like this, where they're not even particularly attractive.

Value (6/10) – You get in free with a sports ticket stub and the security guy at the door has given me a free entry pass, but otherwise, things are standard for Atlanta.  The normal cover is $10, beers are $5, the slightly above average table dances are $10 and there's a bathroom attendent looking for a tip.  I don't know anyone who likes those guys.  It's not that I mind giving a guy a dollar to do things that I'd rather do myself so much as I just hate feeling like I'm being monitored while I'm taking a piss.  For whatever reason, though, every club in Atlanta has one.  As for the stage action, it's nude, but you won't get any contact up there and the show is about as boring as watching a naked woman can be.

Dance Setup (0/10) – Table dances should be used as a way to get a cheap preview of a girl before spending $20-30 dollars per song on lap dances, but that isn't how it works in this city.  You can spend well over $100 for a half hour of private dancing or $10 for a table dance right out in the open on whatever shitty chair or stool you happen to be sitting on, but the lap dance middle option that's always my bread and butter doesn't exist.  Pretty much every Atlanta club is getting a zero for this category, so don't let it keep you away from this particular club, but just know that it sucks.

Club Setup (4/10) – This is a reasonably large club with a long, narrow main stage similar to what they have at the Pink Pony, and the tops of the two large, square bars double as stages as well.  They have 3 pool tables in back and plenty of seating. Even though the tables and chairs are fairly shitty and the whole place seems a little run down, I'm just happy to have somewhere to sit for my table dances on a Saturday night, since that's relatively rare at the popular Atlanta clubs.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – Goldrush has a good neighborhood feel to it and is an enjoyable place to stop for a drink or two, but it's not the type of place that I'd want to spend an entire night out or host a bachelor party.  Though, on the occasion of my first visit, someone was hosting an epic bash, with an Egyptian theme inside and a live camel in the parking lot.  My group had to bail by the seventh time that we heard "Walk Like an Egyptian," but everyone else seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – Goldrush is fairly close to the airport, but it isn't particularly close to anything else, least of all the other decent strip clubs.  They have plenty of parking, so it's not a bad place to drive to, but it's really tough to justify the trip if you're relying on taxis.

Overall – Goldrush Showbar is an okay club that seems like it has potential to be pretty good if you're willing to invest the time and money to become a regular.  Unfortunately, it's just not good enough to make up for the inconvenient location for an infrequent visitor, so I won't be back.

RAW SCORE = 43.5