Mons Venus (Tampa, FL)

Quality of Dances (17/20) – The dances at Mons Venus are excellent.  They’re fully nude, there’s a ton of grinding and you can touch anywhere except between the legs, though some girls also request that you don’t focus too much on their nipples.  You won’t be finishing in here unless you’re a little quick on the trigger, but I’ve never had a dance at Mons that I didn’t enjoy.

Quality of Dancers (10/10) – The ladies in this place are blazing, and that’s especially impressive since it’s a nude club that prevents them from hiding any flaws.  Pretty much all of them are in the 7+ range, and there are several 9s and 10s working on any given night.

Number of Dancers (10/10) – There are 4 or 5 girls on stage at a time, and pretty much one girl for each guy in the crowd on weeknights.  That can be annoying in a lesser club since you’ll constantly be bothered by girls who might fall below your standards, but there’s no filler at Mons Venus, so you know that the girls who will be harassing you are hot.

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of these girls are young, thin and white, but I’m giving them a little credit because the few black girls that they do have are amazing, and their Asians aren’t bad at all either.  The most unique variety that I’ve seen, though, is in the pubic hair department.  As you’d expect, there are lots of bald eagles, but I’ve also seen some 70’s style super bushes, including one on a girl who galloped around the stage in the most awkward manner possible but still would rate as a perfect 10 on any straight man’s scale.

Attitudes (2.5/10) – This isn’t the place to come for conversation.  If you want a dance, they’ll provide it, and if you don’t, they’ll find someone who does.  On the bright side, they’re too busy to waste time playing games about prices, and they’re mostly honest about counting dances, though it’s never a bad idea to keep track yourself just to be safe.    

Value (7/10) – The $20 cover is a little steep, though it’s an alcohol free club and waters are only two bucks, so I can’t complain about that too much.  The dance prices vary between $20 to $30 depending on the girl, but the songs are insanely long and you should be able to get a slight discount if you buy in bulk.  Six for $100 is about the best offer that I heard without doing much negotiating, but I’m sure you can do a little better than that if you’re there on a slow night and don’t mind looking like a cheapskate. 

Club Setup (3/10) – As with 2001 Odyssey across the street, this place is much smaller than you’d expected for a world famous club.  There’s a moderately sized main stage in the center of the room with a bunch of shitty seats around it, and benches along both sides of the room and a raised area in the back provide for some extra seating, but the setup definitely leaves a lot to be desired overall.  The bathroom, in particular, is ridiculous. A bathroom can either have a stall-less shitter or an attendant, but the combination made me feel like I was in this old Saturday Night Live sketch.    

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – On the one side of the club, there’s a long bench for dances. It faces away from the stage, but there’s a mirror in front of you so you can get a good view of what your girl is doing, but, unfortunately, that means everyone else can see what she’s up to as well. On the other side of the club, there’s a long couch/bench dance area, but patrons who aren’t getting dances sit over there too so it’s not at all private. The one saving grace is that the ceiling is mirrored, so you do get a unique view, but this is still a pretty poor dance setup for a club that’s known as a lap dance factory.

Atmosphere (4/10) – The atmosphere in here is about as good as it gets for an alcohol free club.  It’s much closer to the party vibe of the Las Vegas Little Darlings than it is to the sad, creepy ambiance of the juicebars in New England.

Location (4/5) – A convenience store next door that sells cans of beer with paper bags is next door, a liquor store is within walking distance, 2001 Odyssey is right across the street and Scores is just a few feet away.  If you stay at the Howard Johnson across the street, the location is perfect, and it isn’t terribly inconvenient from the airport.  It’s not downtown, but there’s really no reason to stay downtown anyway. 

Overall – Mons Venus has gorgeous dancers, great dances, and is just generally a fun place to spend part of an evening.  I’ve only previously given the seal of approval to one alcohol-free club, but Mons Venus is deserving of the distinction.  If you’re in Tampa, go here.   

RAW SCORE = 60.5

2001 Odyssey (Tampa, FL)

Quality of Dances (18/20) – Regular lap dances don’t get a whole lot better than the fully nude grinding versions with plenty of stick shifting that you get at 2001 Odyssey.  If you’re looking for more than that, it will cost you (I’ve heard prices in the $300-400 range for some services that go above and beyond), but it’s always nice to have options.  I’ve never gone for that, but I can confirm that the $200 dances in the spaceship are excellent.  I was going to make a joke about blasting off, but it would be too corny, so I’ll just say this – they’ll usually offer to make you cum in your pants.

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – You might expect a little more quality out of a famous club like this, but they don’t have any terribly unattractive girls and a few of them are stunning.  Most, though, are in the 6-7 range. 

Number of Dancers (8/10) – There are usually two girls on the tiny stage at a time, and there are almost too many working the crowd considering how small this place is. I’m sure the number of customers goes way up on weekends, but the dancer to customer ratio has always been greater than 1-to-1 during my weeknight visits.  

Variety of Dancers (2/5) – You’re going to find mostly thin white dancers at just about any of the Tampa clubs, but there are at least a few curves and black girls mixed in at this place. 

Attitudes (2/10) – 2001 is a hustle hut.  “Wanna dance?” is about the extent of the conversation, and most girls try to hide the fact that there’s supposed to be a $5 fee paid to the bouncer every time that you go for a dance.  Once you spend some cash, some of the girls soften up, but even that isn’t a sure thing.   

Value (3/10) – The $15 cover is to be expected at an alcohol-free club, but they need to either lower it a little or drop the 1 drink minimum.  The club also theoretically takes $5 each time that you go to the dance room, but I’ve found that they usually only charge that a few times if you tip the bouncer a few bucks or if you’re a lap dance fiend like me.  The value for the dances themselves, though, isn’t too bad at $25 for each relatively short song, and the stage value is pretty solid. 

Club Setup (3/10) – For such a famous joint, this place is shockingly undersized.  There’s a small stage and several small tables with shitty chairs, and there’s a small juice bar, but you should be spending most of your time getting dances anyway, so the fact that it isn’t a great setup isn’t a dealbreaker. The only real bright spot on the inside is the rain making machine, but the spaceship on the roof of the building is so amazingly ridiculous that I had to give them a few points here. 

Dance Setup (4/10) – You get your own mirrored booth during the regular dances, but the privacy is still limited since people can see you when they walk by and cameras are pointed right at you.  The setup in the spaceship is much better, but that’s to be expected since it’s $200 to go up there. 

Atmosphere (3/10) – 2001 is more laid back than Mons Venus, but it still has a fun party vibe.  The score would be much higher if they served alcohol, but I didn’t even miss that too much since there are liquor stores and a convenience store within walking distance, so you can periodically pound some drinks in the parking lot to keep the buzz going.  I wouldn’t go for multiple consecutive Modelo tallboys though, because that didn’t work out so well for me the last time I was there. 

Location (4/5) – There’s a reasonably priced HoJo next door and the world famous Mons Venus is right across the street, plus it’s right by Scores if you want to down a few adult beverages without going the paper bag route.  It’s a little out of the way if you’re staying in downtown Tampa, but why would you do that when you could just crash by this little oasis of excellent strip clubs?

Overall – I like Mons Venus better overall, but 2001 Odyssey is a very good club in its own right and actually has slightly better lap dances and infinitely better potential if you’re looking for more than a lap dance.  Since you can walk back and forth between the two, you might as well hit both in one night.  

RAW SCORE = 54

Booby Trap (Pompano Beach, FL)

Quality of dances (14/20) – In a move that was either incredibly clutch or incredibly sleazy (probably the latter), one of my best friends fingered a girl on the main floor. Yes, he’s a handsome dude who tends to get more mileage than the average guy, but that should still give you a good idea of the type of dances you can expect here. No matter where you are in the club, you’re gonna get a very good grind with her hands on your junk and possibly creeping up your shorts (Okay, I confess, I wore shorts to the club. I know that’s a faux pas. But it was fucking 95 degrees and I was walking from club to club; there was nothing I could do). Most girls will invite you to grope them on the main floor while promising much more in the VIP. I didn’t hit up the VIP room (see below), so I can’t claim that I know what goes on back there. But let’s just say if you’re shy, I wouldn’t recommend it.

Quality of dancers (6.5/10) – In contrast to Diamond Dolls, which I had visited directly before here, I didn’t see any stone-cold stunners. It was mostly a mix of 6s and 7s, women who you’d almost certainly sleep with and who would be hot in most other contexts, but lacked that jene se qua to put them over the top. I think this captures my feelings nicely.  The one advantage to the Booby Trap, though, was that I didn't see any dropoff in talent from the night shift to the day shift.

Number of dancers (7.5/10) – Between fifteen to twenty dancers on a Thursday with probably one for every customer. Can’t complain about that.  

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Like virtually every South Florida club, the women are largely white with some black girls mixed in, but virtually no other diversity, other than differences in the range of curves.

Attitude of Dancers (8/10) – “I don’t dance, I just play,” said the stripper when she literally refused to dance for me. And I’ll tell you, even though I really wanted that dance, I appreciated her candor. She ended up hanging around for a bit, having a drink and then finding someone else to “play” with. That straightforward attitude was standard practice at the Booby Trap. Most women were agenda-driven, but that agenda didn’t get in the way of their socializing and having a good time.

Value (7.5/10) – The $5.25 Miller Lites are a little overpriced, but they're a bargain during the day since they're 2-4-1. Dances are $10 on the floor, $25 in back room, and $50 to the club plus whatever you negotiate with the girl for  5 songs in the VIP room (though the implication was that what they do back there doesn't usually require 5 songs). 

I want to take a quick moment here to highlight the best part of the Booby Trap, something that transforms this from a very good club to a must-visit. The cover is $5 at night (there's no cover during the day, but self parking is a buck), but you get a free a burger and fries from the bar on Thursday nights and during the day all week. And the burgers are goddamn incredible. I don’t know what the fuck they are putting in those things, but I hope they never stop. My burger was so good that I went back the next day just to make sure my impressions from the night before weren’t influenced by some Four Loko-induced euphoria. I was stone-cold sober in the middle of the afternoon and it was just as good, if not better, than the night before. Eat this burger.

Dance Setup (5/10) – For $25 dances, there’s an area in the back of the club containing 6-8 booths with dividers in between them. Although they aren’t visible from the rest of the club, several of the booths face each other, and anyone walking through to get a dance can sneak a peek of what you’re up to. The only way to get any real privacy is to take the last booth. Of course, remember that you won’t be the first guy that night who came up with that idea, so buyer beware when it comes to getting a clean place to sit.

Club Setup (7.5/10) – Almost immediately upon entering, you’re greeted by a quiet bar that sits far from the action, but is a decent spot to have a drink and chill. From there, you enter the main floor of the club. There’s a smallish main stage directly in the middle of the club and a mostly ignored stage near the back. A large bar lines the one wall, a long bench is along another wall and there are a number of tables and rolly chairs on the floor. Seating is ample and it’s hard to imagine you’d ever have a problem getting a spot. The two major problems with the setup are that the seats are a little too close for my tastes and there are absolutely no dark corners in which to chill. Solve those issues and this score will be pushing a 9.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) – Jesus Christ is the lighting terrible in this place. I’m talking about hospital-like levels of brightness. My working theory is that it’s an intentional choice by the club owners to drive business back towards the VIP rooms where the real action can happen. That’s such a shame, because it otherwise has incredible potential, especially since they have a breathalizer machine that you can use to see which one of your friends can blow the highest score. With that lighting, though, it doesn’t matter how hard they work; it will never have either an intimate or party vibe. Instead, you’re looking at a place where you’re going to catch the eye of your fellow customer way more often than you’d prefer.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – Hmmm. It’s walkable from two other clubs and from the prison. Other than that, it’s a long-ass cab ride from Fort Lauderdale.

Overall – Apparently, the Booby Trap used to have a policy where if you showed up with your discharge papers from the prison, you got free admission and a free drink (FYI: this policy does not exist anymore, as I learned when a just-released female inmate tried to enter the club at the same time as I and a friend. Don’t worry, like gentlemen, we paid her admission and bought her a few beers). Just the fact that such a policy used to exist makes this spot worthy of a recommendation. When you add in the free burger and high mileage, it’s a must visit.

TOTAL SCORE = 65

Diamond Dolls (Pompano Beach, FL)

Quality of Dances (13/20) – Dances are separated into three different types: Floor dances for $10, semi-private dances for $25, and 3 for $100 in a more private room. The floor dances are a waste of your time, so I’ll just review the $25 dances, because they’re likely to be the most common choice. Those dances are full contact in both directions with a moderate grind and some over-the-pants hand action. It’s gonna vary girl-by-girl, but as long as you’re not a complete creep, I’m pretty sure you can get away with whatever you want in terms of tit groping. However, the industry standard “don’t put your mouth on my nipples and don’t touch my pussy” rules should apply to nearly everyone you come across. The lightning-quick pace with which extras were offered bumps this score a little bit. If you’d never consider extras at a club, downgrade this number to a 12.

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – Aside from the one dancer who, I swear, had two rows of teeth (like a shark) and the deplorable number of fake tits roaming about, I was very pleased with the women. Many, if not most, of the women on the night shift are smoking hot. The day shift isn't as impressive (it would probably rate as a 6-6.5), but I still can’t imagine anyone being disappointed with this crop.

Number of Dancers (8.5/10) – With over 20 dancers at a smallish club, Diamond Dolls stacks up very well here. When I was there, a Thursday evening, there were at least as many dancers as there were customers.  

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – Really, I only have one question here, and it’s applicable to all of South Florida: why the fuck are there not more Latinas at these clubs? Isn’t Florida supposed to be teeming with hot Latin women? The beaches certainly are, but they’re nowhere to be found in the clubs. It’s infuriating. Anyway, you’re looking at mostly white girls here, with a few black girls mixed in and some decent variety in body type.

Attitude of Dancers (8.5/10) – I loved these women. They were hustling in exactly the right way. Many would sit down and shoot the shit for a while without ever asking for a dance. They were selling, for sure, but it was a subtle sell. I’m thinking this dynamic arises from the fact that most of the girls seem much more interested in locking down a big score with extras than they do in picking off individual dances. I totally get that, for many strippers, it’s much more fiscally efficient to be popping in and out of groups of guys asking for dances; I just wish it wouldn’t have to be that way. I’m so much more likely to go off for a big number on a girl that has hung out for a while and actually like as a person (or at least one that has convinced me that I like her as a person). 

Value (6.5/10) – $5.50 Miller Lites ($3 during the day) and a $5 nighttime cover are pretty standard, and even though I hate paying to park, it's not a big deal at just $2.  There wasn’t great stage value in the traditional sense (e.g. getting motorboated for a dollar). However, the women definitely weren’t phoning it in up there. They did everything they could with a short pole and there was some much appreciated lesbian action. For dances, you’re getting slightly more than your money’s worth.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) –  Obviously, the dance setup on the floor is awful. The $25 dances take place in a curtained off room with two seats that face in the same direction and are partitioned off from one another. Of course, it would be far superior to only have one seat back there, but the partition provides a decent amount of privacy. The 3 for $100 dances are in a curtained-off room with a single large seat: a superb dance setup.

Club Setup (7/10) – Overall, the setup is solid. There are two bars, one when you first walk in and the other near the main part of the club and across from the main stage. The main stage itself is nice and long, allowing multiple girls to dance at once and providing ample seating, and there's another small stage by the VIP area towards the back of the club. I would love to see some higher ceilings and bigger poles. With a little more flexibility, I think the dancers here could put on a great show. My main criticism with the club’s setup is that it’s definitely too narrow. If it were even 15-20 feet wider, it would allow them to improve their floor seating (which is fine, but sub-optimal) and create some space for more private areas throughout the club. .

Club Atmosphere (7.5/10) – Accessible music at the right volume. Good for a party and good to roll solo. The lighting was bright enough that you could see what you wanted to see, but not so bright as to make things awkward when some dude fifteen feet away from you is getting a discreet hand job. Overall, the vibe was laid back, but fun; I could definitely see it getting rowdy (in a good way) with the right group here.  

Club Accessibility (2/5) – Technically, this spot is accessible by cab from Fort Lauderdale, but you’re looking at $30 in each direction. Because I’m always most concerned with how I’m getting to and from a club, due to my inability to remain sober for more than a few hours at a time, that’s a pretty big downside for me.

Overall – Any strip club that sits a quarter of a mile from a strip mall containing four churches, a bail bondsman, an erotic clothing shop, and some place called So Deep Productions (which must be a porn studio) is probably going to get my seal of approval. Diamond Dolls is no exception to this rule. I definitely would, and probably will, go back.

TOTAL SCORE = 69