Sunday, August 26, 2012

Mons Venus (Tampa, FL)

Quality of Dances (17/20) – The dances at Mons Venus are excellent.  They’re fully nude, there’s a ton of grinding and you can touch anywhere except between the legs, though some girls also request that you don’t focus too much on their nipples.  You won’t be finishing in here unless you’re a little quick on the trigger, but I’ve never had a dance at Mons that I didn’t enjoy.

Quality of Dancers (10/10) – The ladies in this place are blazing, and that’s especially impressive since it’s a nude club that prevents them from hiding any flaws.  Pretty much all of them are in the 7+ range, and there are several 9s and 10s working on any given night.

Number of Dancers (10/10) – There are 4 or 5 girls on stage at a time, and pretty much one girl for each guy in the crowd on weeknights.  That can be annoying in a lesser club since you’ll constantly be bothered by girls who might fall below your standards, but there’s no filler at Mons Venus, so you know that the girls who will be harassing you are hot.

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of these girls are young, thin and white, but I’m giving them a little credit because the few black girls that they do have are amazing, and their Asians aren’t bad at all either.  The most unique variety that I’ve seen, though, is in the pubic hair department.  As you’d expect, there are lots of bald eagles, but I’ve also seen some 70’s style super bushes, including one on a girl who galloped around the stage in the most awkward manner possible but still would rate as a perfect 10 on any straight man’s scale.

Attitudes (2.5/10) – This isn’t the place to come for conversation.  If you want a dance, they’ll provide it, and if you don’t, they’ll find someone who does.  On the bright side, they’re too busy to waste time playing games about prices, and they’re mostly honest about counting dances, though it’s never a bad idea to keep track yourself just to be safe.    

Value (7/10) – The $20 cover is a little steep, though it’s an alcohol free club and waters are only two bucks, so I can’t complain about that too much.  The dance prices vary between $20 to $30 depending on the girl, but the songs are insanely long and you should be able to get a slight discount if you buy in bulk.  Six for $100 is about the best offer that I heard without doing much negotiating, but I’m sure you can do a little better than that if you’re there on a slow night and don’t mind looking like a cheapskate. 

Club Setup (3/10) – As with 2001 Odyssey across the street, this place is much smaller than youd expected for a world famous club.  There’s a moderately sized main stage in the center of the room with a bunch of shitty seats around it, and benches along both sides of the room and a raised area in the back provide for some extra seating, but the setup definitely leaves a lot to be desired overall.  The bathroom, in particular, is ridiculous. A bathroom can either have a stall-less shitter or an attendant, but the combination made me feel like I was in this old Saturday Night Live sketch.    

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – On the one side of the club, there’s a long bench for dances. It faces away from the stage, but there’s a mirror in front of you so you can get a good view of what your girl is doing, but, unfortunately, that means everyone else can see what she’s up to as well. On the other side of the club, there’s a long couch/bench dance area, but patrons who aren’t getting dances sit over there too so it’s not at all private. The one saving grace is that the ceiling is mirrored, so you do get a unique view, but this is still a pretty poor dance setup for a club that’s known as a lap dance factory.

Atmosphere (4/10) – The atmosphere in here is about as good as it gets for an alcohol free club.  It’s much closer to the party vibe of the Las Vegas Little Darlings than it is to the sad, creepy ambiance of the juicebars in New England.

Location (4/5) – A convenience store next door that sells cans of beer with paper bags is next door, a liquor store is within walking distance, 2001 Odyssey is right across the street and Scores is just a few feet away.  If you stay at the Howard Johnson across the street, the location is perfect, and it isn’t terribly inconvenient from the airport.  It’s not downtown, but there’s really no reason to stay downtown anyway. 

Overall – Mons Venus has gorgeous dancers, great dances, and is just generally a fun place to spend part of an evening.  I’ve only previously given the seal of approval to one alcohol-free club, but Mons Venus is deserving of the distinction.  If you’re in Tampa, go here.   

RAW SCORE = 60.5


  1. when do we get The Electric Blue review/

    1. The Blue review is up I update it periodically, but any visit to that place is an enjoyable experience.