Harry O's (Stamford, CT)

Quality of Dances (19/20) – The dances at Harry O's are among the best that I've ever received.  I was careful to tell every approaching lady that I just wanted a regular dance because there's no surer way for a relatively young white guy to draw suspicion at an urban club than to wait for a girl to offer extra services before shooting her down, but I got the feeling that my sense of decency was the only thing holding the action in check.  I especially appreciate that most of these ladies have the skill and put in the effort to make things fun even if you're opting for less than the full range of services.  My favorite thing about these dances, though, is the way that the ladies deal with the partial song that's playing before your song starts.  You stand with your back to a wall outside of the lap dance area and the dancer backs up in front of you, then alternates between a standing grind and some over the pants hand action to get your full attention before the real dance starts

Quality of Dancers (3.5/10) – It's rare to find a club with more variable dancer quality than at Harry O's.  During my first visit (afternoon), most of the crew was made up of bronze skinned beauties.  During my second visit (night), it was mostly overweight streetwalker types.  During my third visit, it started with a decent mix, but the percentage of nasties went up as the night went on.  Most of the girls make their money then leave, so the earlier the better if you're hoping to find a girl that anyone else would want to spend money on.  

Number of Dancers (4/10) – They've averaged about a half dozen dancers during my visits, with a little more than that in the afternoon and a little less at night.  The ratio isn't always great because the place can get packed with customers, but most of them aren't spending money, so it can be easy to get a girl's attention by tipping a few bucks at the stage.  And when I say "a few," I mean a very few.  For five bucks, you can be a god.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Despite the name and the clover on the wall, Harry O's is not an Irish establishment.  They've got Latinas and black girls and more than enough size variation for most men's tastes, but you're shit out of out of luck if you're looking for white meat.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – The pre-dance fluffing is enough to win me over, but even discounting that, these ladies are exceptionally friendly.  I don't know how they put up with guys randomly smacking their asses as they walk by without losing their cool, but somehow they do it.  My only real complaint is that the constant questions about whether I'm a cop can get old, but the fact that they're asking means that they're up for a party, so I won't complain to much.

Value (3.5/10) – $2.50 happy hour domestics are solid, but $6 beers the rest of the time and $25 dances are steep for a dive like this.  The stage value is solid, though, with girls putting on a nice show and being particularly appreciative if you don't think that your buck entitles you to slip in a finger.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – This isn't the worst dance setup that I've seen, but it's by far the worst that I've seen in a place where the girls give "dances" like this.  There're just four shitty chairs facing each other in a small, brightly lit room where you can't help but see what everyone else is up to.  The people in the main room can't see you, but there's a mirror positioned so that the bouncer can keep an eye on things.  You'd have to be completely shameless to try to go beyond a regular dance, but from what I've caught in my peripheral vision, there's no shortage of shameless guys in this place.

Club Setup (1/10) – Harry O's is a shithole.  It smells bad, it's falling apart, and I'm dry heaving just thinking about the red mystery substance that was all over the toilet seat during one of my visits.  Why did I even go into the bathroom stall in a place like this you ask?  Well, I was going to the urinal, but there's no stall here - just a shitter and a urinal in a room that can't be locked.

As for the rest of the place, it's a small club with a long bar, a pool table in the back and a medium sized horseshoe shaped stage in the main area.  The bar fills up quickly and you'll probably think the stage seats are filled when you see guys standing three deep at the front of the stage, but they're just cheap bastards who avoid tipping by not going directly to the rail.  So, as long as you're willing to drop a buck or two per song, a seat should always be waiting for you.  

Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – If you're ever found yourself sitting at King Arthur's in Chelsea thinking, this place is a little too upscale for my tastes," then Harry O's is the joint for you.  The crowd is rough and you'll draw lots of unwanted attention if English is your first language, but here's all that you really need to know: I was checked for a wire.  I'm not talking about a I-think-they-were-feeling-for-a-wire-during-that-pat-down situation either.  I'm talking about after the pat down when the bouncer made me lift my shirt and spin around.  So, yeah.  Shadiest. Club. Ever.

Club Accessibility (0/5) – It isn't far from downtown Stamford, but I have to give them a goose egg based on the parking situation.  You're going to want to park in their lot since this isn't a great neighborhood, but the lot is comically undersized, so cars park 3 or 4 deep.  That means that every five minutes or so, the bouncer announces something like, "black Nissan, ya gotta move.  Black Nissan, ya gotta move!"  So if you're in the back, you'll have to go out to the lot to let other people leave, and if you're in the front, you'll have to rely on other people to let you out.

Overall – If you're willing to risk the possibility that there won't be an attractive lady in the house and you value quality lap dances more than you value your safety, give it a chance for a daytime visit.  If not, Harry O's isn't the place for you.

RAW SCORE = 39.5