Saturday, August 8, 2009

Scruples (Feasterville-Trevose, PA)

Quality of dances (N/R) – Sadly, this rating will have to be normalized because I was somehow unable to secure a dance at Scruples. To convey the absurdity of that result, a short description is necessary. I arrived at Scruples on a Sunday night around 11 PM with a group of five fun, attractive roller girls (one of whom was Pussy Control) and one other dude. After the group spent an hour at the stage (read bar; see below) drinking beers and tipping/chatting with dancers, the group decided to buy Pussy Control a couple of dances. Flashing a fistful of money, Pussy’s friend asked the hottest dancer if she’d come dance for Pussy when she got off stage. Her answer: “I don’t do lap dances. I only give private dances upstairs.” WTF?! Not deterred, Pussy’s friend moved to the next hottest dancer. Her answer: “I’m pretty tired and don’t really want to dance.” Are you fucking serious?! It’s like they hate money.

Now, while you digest that anecdote, it’s important to keep in mind a few things. One, this occurred almost two hours before closing time, so it’s not like either of these women could understandably be phoning it in for the night. Next, Pussy Control isn’t some creepy hosebeast. She’s the undisputed champion of charming the pants off of hot women; a total legend. And third, my group, and Pussy in particular, had an excellent rapport with both of the dancers in question. Their denials were inexcusable.

Beyond those two dancers, Pussy and I were unimpressed with the limited selection and unwilling to take one for the team, so no dance was had.

Quality of dancers (5.5/10) – This was definitely a pleasant surprise. One of the two dancers mentioned above was a knockout and the other wasn’t far behind. The problem, as is often the case, was a lack of consistency. The remaining two dancers crippled this score.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – Four dancers and about four times that many patrons on a Sunday night. It’s hard to shit on that ratio given that our crew made up half the clientele and Scruples isn’t exactly centrally located. Nevertheless, four dancers on a night shift is inherently weak sauce, so it can only score so high.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – A reasonable mix of body types, including some delightful lap-dance asses, but no ethnic variety. Any differences in skin tone were simply the result of white women in various states of tan.

Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – This was on its way to a mid-range score, but the story above from ‘Quality of Dances’ ensured that it could never crawl out of the bottom quartile. Also, a note to all dancers: It’s bad enough to talk about your kids, but to show pictures? Please, stop the madness.

Value (5.5/10) – “There’s never a cover at Scruples.” Those sweet words were music to my ears. Once inside, you’ll score “buckets of beer” for $5, which consist of five 8-ounce bottles of Corona/Bud Light/whatever. If we call that between three and four real beers, that’s a solid price. Beyond those perks, though, the value sucks. Stage action is particularly weak and is negatively compounded by the dreadful “tip walk” after each song.

Dance Setup (N/R) – See the explanation from ‘Quality of Dances’ above.

Club Setup (1/10) – Hard to conceive of a much worse setup. The “stages” are slightly-raised platforms outfitted with a pole that sit on the floor in the interior of an L-shaped bar. Bartenders literally have to walk around dancers to deliver drinks. Although the bar provides plenty of seating, its edges extend close enough to the wall that it’s difficult to move around the club. It’s almost certain that this used to be a pretty sweet dive bar and the owners tried to convert it to a strip joint simply by erecting a couple of poles.

Club Atmosphere (1.5/10) – For all the reasons outlined above, club atmosphere is very weak. I didn’t get a good vibe at all.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – At twenty miles outside of Philly, Scruples is far off the beaten path. So far, in fact, that the main thoroughfare in town is named Street Road. That’s right…Street Road. It only scores a one because it’s very close to the PA Turnpike and Route 1.

Overall – If you’re staying at the Crowne Plaza in Feasterville-Trevose and you’re looking for a cheap beer, then Scruples is your place. Otherwise, it’s probably not worth a visit. The one upside is that Scruples wins the award for most (unintentionally?) hilarious club name on the east coast.

TOTAL SCORE = 28 (normalized)

1 comment:

  1. The above rating sounds exactly like the Scruples that I know. I've been there about six times in the last two months and on three of those times I couldn't get a couch dance. The dancers seem to wait downstairs and only come up for stage dancing. Why? The answer is easy... They get to keep all their income from stage tips but they have to share the takings from couch dances with the house. The solution is clear.... The patrons at the bar should hold back on the tipping and not just be willing to fork over dollars each time they are hustled.