New Hot Point (Tokyo, Japan)

Hot New Point is more of a peep show than a strip club, but it's really just a handjob/blowjob factory, as evidenced by the ridiculous sign in the booths showing a smiling cartoon dick getting a BJ for 4000 yen and a HJ for 2000 yen.  

Basically, the way that it works is that you go to the guy at the front desk and tell him if, in addition to watching the stage show for 2000 yen, you want a hand job (2000 yen), a hand job with touching (3000 yen), or a blow job with a condom (4000 yen) from one of the girls who you choose on a digital picture frame.  He probably won't speak English and will kick you out if he can't understand you, so just make sure that you have this review on your smartphone screen and point at the price on this menu that matches up with what you want.  

Once you've made your selection, you give your 2000 yen cover charge to the guy and awkwardly wait around with other perverts for the previous show to end.  Technically, you're supposed to turn in any cameras or phones at this point, so I'd leave them in your hotel if you don't trust the club.  Eventually, you'll be taken to one of several private booths that have one-way glass facing a tiny stage where two girls will each perform a two song set.  Both girls that I saw where quite cute and looked just as good as they did in the digital picture frame at the front desk.  During the first girl's set, the second girl will come around to collect any additional money from you.  Once the stage show ends, the girls will go booth to booth giving hand jobs and blow jobs, and you get to wait your turn while you hear her slurp away on someone else.  I guess it helps knowing that they don't offer bareback services, but it was still disconcerting enough that it seemed like a good idea for me to feign a bathroom emergency and get the hell out of there before my turn.  

If it sounds like fun to you, though, then more power to you.  I could try to describe the location, but you're probably better off just using the map on their website. There will be guys outside (probably, but not necessarily Africans) trying to pressure you into going somewhere else where you'd surely be ripped off, but just ignore them and keep walking and you'll be fine. 

Magic Gardens (Portland, OR)

Quality of dances (6.5/20) – The Portland no-touching (by you) rules are in full effect here, a fact the bouncer quickly reminded me of when I planted my hand on a girl’s thigh just above her kneecap, even though she initiated the move. Anyway, don’t expect two way contact under any circumstances.  

Quality of dancers (8/10) – They’re hot. Are they as hot as the women at some other clubs in Portland? Probably not. But they’re still getting the job done and then some.

Number of dancers (3.5/10) – There were two dancers working in the early afternoon. Wanting to be thorough, I asked the bartender whether that changed at night, and he told me that it doesn’t. Magic Gardens has three shifts: Noon to four; four to nine; and nine to close. Each of those shifts has exactly two dancers. Always. Given the size of the club and the number of customers it likely draws, I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad management decision (and it’s probably very beneficial to the dancers, which is always a good thing).

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – It’s Portland. The women are white. SURPRISE!! I saw some variance in body type, including one perfect lap dance ass, which is the only thing keeping this number out of the gutter.

Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) – Everyone that I met was really friendly and personable, just as it should be in a locals club like this. I’m confident that most of these women hang out at the bar and shoot the shit with their regulars during the short breaks between their stage sets. I really like that vibe. 

Value (5/10) – There’s no cover, it’s $3 for a pint of PBR and $5 for the delicious Portland staple: Black Butte Porter. You won’t get any real mileage at the stage in terms of contact, but you’ll get as much performance art as the women can give you with the club’s physical limitations.

Dance Setup (.5/10) – The dance area is an outcropping right around the corner from the club’s entrance, maybe 8-10 feet from the stage. It’s in full view of everyone in the club, save for four or five people sitting at the right edge of the bar. There are no partitions and no comfy chairs, and basically nothing to distinguish it from the rest of the club. This setup is as bare as the vagina that will be staring back at you for the three and a half minutes you’re over there.

Club Setup (4/10) – It’s got a pool table. And a cigarette machine. And video poker. And the list of positives about the Magic Gardens setup ends there. This is a tiny club with a wall-length bar on one side when you walk in (okay, I guess the bar is pretty solid) and a small stage on the other. The stage doesn’t have a pole, which is troublesome anywhere, but particularly frustrating in Portland because the acrobatic skill of dancers across the city is so high. The front door opens directly to the street and any passerby can see virtually the entire club whenever that door swings wide. To say that’s sub-optimal is to severely understate the case. With all those complaints, this setup should probably score a 2. Nevertheless, Magic Gardens does something to add up to more than the sum of its parts in this category, so I gave it a little bump.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – Exactly what you’d expect for such a club. Very chill vibe. Probably never gonna get rowdy in there. A real nice place to start if you’re trying to visit ten strip clubs in 24 hours.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Just steps from the MAX and within an 8 minute walk of virtually everything in the NW quadrant of Portland, Magic Gardens is as accessible a club as you’ll find anywhere. Technically, it’s in Chinatown, and some people say that Chinatown in Portland is dangerous and you shouldn’t go there. I say those people are huge pussies. Don’t let that deter you.

Overall – Magic Gardens is pretty much the definition of a locals club. It’s the type of place that you’d never go out of your way to make a trip to, but would probably spend a bunch of time at if you lived around the corner. Although someplace like this would never get my official seal of approval, I can safely say that I like it.

TOTAL SCORE = 46.5

Deja Vu New Orleans (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (14/20) – I got a good grind and plenty of two-way contact, and even got some unsolicited offers for extra services.  As far as Bourbon Street dances go, these are quite good.

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – These ladies are a small step down from Hustler and Little Darlings, but are mostly pretty decent with a few stunners and a few not so great.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They had more than enough ladies working for the slow night that I was there, with one girl on stage and several working the crowd at all times.

Variety of Dancers (2.5/5) – There’s a higher percentage of black dancers at Déjà Vu than at the other Bourbon Street Déjà Vu clubs (Hustler and Barely Legal), but there are still plenty of white women and a mix of thick and thin ladies. 

Attitudes (3/10) – These ladies aren’t unfriendly, but they hustle hard and several of them gave some of the most awkwardly delivered canned lines that I’ve ever heard.  I’m not going to hold one girl against the whole club, but I was particularly amused by the girl who called me a “scared chicken” because I turned down her offer of a BJ.  

Value (4.5/10) – They had a $6 cover on a night when most of the other clubs were free, but the $4 beers and 3 for $100 lap dances are both reasonable.  I was quoted $300 for the private dances upstairs, but was told that I’d be “satisfied” if I wanted to spend $200 and go to the last booth.

Club Setup (5.5/10) – The main room has very high ceilings and somewhat of a warehouse feel to it, but it’s still a decent club overall.  The main stage is reasonably large and has tall poles that allow for some tricks, there’s a standup bar along the right side wall, and a bunch of small tables with rolly chairs fill the rest of the room.   

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – Dances are given in nicely angled booths that are very similar to what they have across the street at Hustler, but the big difference is that there are no dance counting machines in here.  That’s a good thing if you negotiate a deal with your dancer and are sober enough to count.  It was a very bad thing for me.

Atmosphere (6/10) – The warehouse setting makes it a little weird and it’s definitely not upscale, but it’s still a good place to party with some friends.

Location (5/5) – As with all of the other Bourbon Street clubs, Déjà Vu has the perfect location.

Overall – Déjà Vu is a solid club that’s one of several places worth peeking your head into on Bourbon Street.  It’s not consistent enough for me to guarantee that you’ll have a good time, but it certainly has potential and you’re probably more likely to find extras here than at any of the other decent French Quarter clubs (Penthouse, Hustler and Barely Legal).

RAW SCORE = 58.5

Scores New Orleans (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (9/20) – There’s some two way contact and lightly touching their tits generally seems to be ok, but I didn’t get the feeling that groping would be appreciated and you aren’t going to get a purposeful grind. 

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – Most of the ladies in here are decent and some are amazing.  They’re comparable to what you’d find at Rick’s, but you’ll probably prefer these ladies if you aren’t a fan of implants.  

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They had plenty of ladies working on the night that I was there even though it was a little slow.  There was only one lady on stage, but there were enough working the crowd to make sure that anyone who wanted attention got it. 

Variety of Dancers (3/5) – Most of these ladies are white, but I also saw some Asians, some black girls and a surprising amount of pleasantly thick girls mixed in with the slender ladies.  

Attitudes (6/10) – There’s always some hustle in a tourist area strip club, but most of these ladies sit and chat and are just generally friendlier than you’ll find in most of the Bourbon Street clubs. 

Value (4/10) – There was no cover on the night that I was there (Monday) and the normal cover is in the $5-10 range, but the other prices aren’t as great.  Beers are $8 and normal dances are $40, though you can get a slightly more reasonable deal if you want to buy 3 for $100, and you can cheaply try out the ladies by getting mini dances from girls who come down off the stage.  Still, for Bourbon Street, that isn’t too bad.  

Club Setup (6.5/10) – There’s a nice bar in the back of the club near a long stage that was not used while I was there, a small main stage with stageside seating, a few high top tables and some bottle service booths.  It’s classy and worked well on the night that I was there, but I can’t imagine that there’s enough seating when it gets busy.

Dance Setup (3/10) – There’s a room upstairs with several nice couches inside where the lap dances are given.  The views are unobstructed within the room, but it is at least relatively dark and comfortable. 

Atmosphere (6.5/10) – Scores may take itself a little too seriously, but it’s still a fun place that’s particularly nice for couples or business people.

Location (5/5) – Scores is right on Bourbon Street, so it’s location couldn’t be any better.

Overall – I prefer the Hustler clubs and Penthouse to Scores, but you could do a lot worse than Scores if you’re looking for a slightly upscale club on Bourbon Street. 

RAW SCORE = 57.5

Little Darlings NOLA (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (16/20) – I was told that you can do “whatever you want to do” in the $200 private rooms, but the regular lap dances are excellent as well, with lots of grinding, some over the pants hand action, and lots of two-way contact.  I guess I was being too respectful and one point because a girl grabbed my hand, moved it straight to her crotch, and said, “you didn’t spend $40 to not touch my pussy.”

Quality of Dancers (4/10) – Some of these ladies are a little sloppy, but others are very hot, though you’re out of luck if you don’t like black ladies.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – They had more than enough dancers for the number of customers in the club.  One is on stage and one hustles at the entrance to the club, plus several more work the crowd at all times. 

Variety of Daners (1/5) – There’s a mix of thick and thin dancers, but there’s no racial diversity because this is an all black club. 

Attitudes (1/10) – The hustle is out of control at Little Darlings NOLA.  One girl followed me into the club from the door, another latched on immediately, and they both attempted to escort me straight to the dance area without even giving me a chance to grab a beer or have a seat in the main area of the club.   

Value (2.5/10) – The night was getting a little hazy by this point so I’m missing some details here, but dances range from $20-40, the private rooms are $200, beers are $6 and the cover is somewhere around $10. 

Club Setup (1/10) – This is a tiny, cramped club with a bunch of chairs in the main room facing the small stage, and a stand up bar with no stage view off to the side. It’s definitely not a place that you’d want to or be able to make yourself comfortable.  

Dance Setup (1/10) – There are curtains for the private dances, but the main dance area is a bright communal room with shitty benches and absolutely nothing to obstruct the view of anyone else in the room. 

Atmosphere (3/10) – There’s a party vibe in here, but it’s very loud and smoky, and I got some not-so-friendly looks for adding a little diversity to the previously all black crowd.

Location (5/5) – Little Darlings is right in the heart of Bourbon Street, so it’s the perfect location if you want to check it out on your way to somewhere better.

Overall – I had high hopes for this place based on my experiences at their Vegas location (one of my favorite clubs of all time), but Little Darlings NOLA was disappointing in pretty much every way.  Your chances of getting extras are probably better here than at any of the other Bourbon Street clubs, but unless that’s your sole objective, I’d prefer pretty much anywhere else over this place.  Hell, even if that were my sole objective, I’d still probably hit a different club and just end my night over at the Hollywood Spa a few blocks away.   

RAW SCORE = 41.5

Visions (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (16/20) – You’ll get an excellent grind, some over the pants hand action and possibly even some teasing with the mouth, and two way contact is standard.  Pretty much all of the ladies tolerate some tit groping, and most of them even encourage it.  If you’re looking for more than that, I was quoted $175 for 20 minutes in the “party room.”  No one was explicit about what goes on in the party room, but I was told that “what happens in there stays in there” and that the fee is good for “anything but sex,” whatever that means.

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – There may be a few 8s and 9s, but this is mostly a 6 and 7 type of place.  Still, despite the presence of a few post-pregnancy bellies, I didn’t see anyone bad and was generally pleased with the quality.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They usually have about 3 dancers on stage at a time and there are several girls working the crowd, but it’s more of a place for locals, so I wouldn’t expect quick attention if you aren’t one.  

Variety of Dancers (3.5/5) – I’ve seen a good mix of thick and thin black and white girls, but there don’t seem to be many, if any, Asians or Latinas in here.

Attitudes (8/10) – The ladies here are chatty, very low pressure, and basically the opposite of what you’d find on Bourbon Street.  One girl gave me an unsolicited tour of the club, another alerted me when I unknowingly dropped a few dollars on the floor, and pretty much all of them wait for a new song before starting a dance.  The girls do go from one person to the next while on stage and expect a tip, but it’s much better than the usual tip walk since they stop and shake it for a buck.    

Value (8/10) – There’s an $8 cover at night ($4 during the day), but you get a free drink ticket with that, so it’s really like a $4 cover at night and free during the day.  Beers are $4, mixed drinks are $6, and dances are $20 or $30, depending on where you want it, which is very reasonable since they play fairly long songs.

Club Setup (3/10) – This is not a classy club, but it’s a decent setup if you’re just looking for a place to down some beers and watch some girls.  There’s a huge “M” shaped stage that fills most of the room, attached stools around the bar (but slightly too far away from it), and really nowhere else to sit, though you can play pool in the back.  They do have some TVs, but they’re too small and/or too far from the people who can see them for anyone to really bother watching. 

Dance Setup (7/10) – For $20, you can sit on a shitty, uncomfortable bench that lines the brightly lit communal room.  The three corner seats are poor, but everywhere else is unacceptable.  Still, I’ll give them a decent score here since you can upgrade for just $10 more to your own room.  The rooms have open doors, but they’re angled in a way that makes them pretty solid, especially if you get one of the two in the back.   

Atmosphere (7/10) – You shouldn’t bring a girlfriend or a business partner here, but I really liked the atmosphere in a total dive bar strip club sort of way.  There’s a good mix of music, a decent crowd, friendly male bartenders and they’ve got the least pushy shot girl ever.  She barely even slowed down as she walked by and halfheartedly said, “shot?”  This is definitely a place that I’d hang out for a while.  

Location (3/5) – The location is the only real drawback of Visions since you’re not going to be walking here from anywhere that you’re likely to be staying if you’re from out of town.  It’s about a $20 fifteen minute cab ride from the French Quarter, which is a bit of a pain in the ass, but you can more than make up that lost money by getting one drink and two dances here that you’d have otherwise gotten on Bourbon Street. 

Overall – Visions is everything that a shithole dive bar strip club should be.  It is, by far, my favorite club in New Orleans.

RAW SCORE = 67.5