Sunday, June 5, 2011

Acropolis (Portland, OR)

Quality of Dances (6/20) – For a place that advertises no hustle and a more relaxing atmosphere, they may as well say “don’t bother getting a dance, no one else does.”  I was there for two hours, and not a single of the 100+ customers got a dance (including me). That said, it’s hard to imagine they’re anything but the standard Portland “no touching” dance, where she can touch you but you need to act like a cadaver, so I’m going to give them my perceived score.

Quality of Dancers (5/10) – Everyone here was decent but forgettable, save for the tattooed brunette whose hair was straight out of a Mad Max movie.  Kind of a mullet, kind of a mohawk (mulhawk?).  Decent bodies, but no girls appeared to be contestants on The Biggest Loser.  The Acropolis sported the only two sets of fakies on my Portland tour. A terrible shame; I was really hoping to bat 1.000 on the naturals during my trip.

Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Six girls at 7pm on Saturday, with a fresh eight girls on hand at 9pm seems low but not terrible, however when there are dozens upon dozens of dudes surrounding the stages at all times, there is no way to get your groove on.  The bouncer told me they cap the ladies at eight because “that’s how we get the most beautiful girls in Portland.”  I didn’t have the heart to tell him he had a sub-par group for Portland.  I don’t care if you advertise no hustle, eight girls vs. close to 100 guys in a place you call a “strip club” is unacceptable.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (.5/5) – There was more diversity in the female patrons than there was on stage.  All white brunettes with a few fake bombs is not any kind of variety. 

Attitude of Dancers (5/10) – They seem happy to dance their sets and not need to solicit for lapdances, so . . . good?  The lack of interaction means it’s hard to gauge attitude, but I can’t help wanting a little more personality engagement.  Guys fill the stage stools with dollars consistently, so the strippers make the vast majority of their money on the four stages.

Value (7/10) – The cover being $5 is a bit annoying since a lot of other Portland clubs are free.  A lamb gyro with fries for $3, steak tips for $3.75 and $10 or $11 pitchers for many of the 51 beers on tap is beyond glorious as far as food and drink go.  Dances are $20, but no one gets them. The only big drawback is that stage value is non-existent and girls don’t walk around the club at all.  You only see them on stage as they are not allowed by club policy to solicit dances while not on stage.  Since there are always 25 drooling horn balls sitting there, there’s no incentive for the dancer to do anything except get naked and walk around collecting dollars.

Dance Setup (0/10) – There is a small area near the entrance for dances, but literally everyone can see you in the bright lights and the chairs are only big enough for midgets to be comfortable.  You may as well get a dance on stage with 20 of your buddies watching you pop wood.

Club Setup (2.5/10) – The club is set up for you to eat cheap but good food, and drink cheap but good beer.  But almost all the seats are at the stages themselves, so unless you want to be munching on steak one second and reaching into your pocket the next, it’s awkward.  Four stages take up the majority of the club, with minimal extra seating that can view the main stage and a little bit of bar seating that isn’t convenient to view anything.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) – I don’t want to be completely uncharitable even though I don’t really consider this to be a “strip club.”  You could call it an rich man’s Hooters, if Hooters made massive upgrades to their food, drinks, and had their women get naked.  Maybe that works for some people, and for those people I say enjoy. 

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – It’s almost three miles to a bus stop, but at only about five miles south of downtown, it’s a short cab ride or an easy drive.  The club is right on the highway, so there’s no missing it.

Overall – I love a good deal on food and drink, but I also love a strip club that feels like a strip club.  This is not one.  My friend/driver/forward scout in the Portland area likes more stage action and less dancer interaction, but even he thought the number of girls was low and the quality was lacking.  If you’re in need of red meat and beer, and you would like to casually view some boobies while you’re at it, this is an okay joint.  If you want any kind of erotic atmosphere, you’ll need to look elsewhere.


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