Golden Dragon (Portland, OR)

Quality of Dances (8/20) – There are three tiers of “dances” at this place. You can get one dance on a bench seat that is not private for $20, three dances for $40 in a semi-private booth, or go to the VIP room. There you close the door and mutually masturbate for 15 minutes for $150 (or $300 for 30 minutes, but don’t kid yourself about lasting that long). The regular lap dances have decent grinding by the dancer, but no touching is allowed. If you weren’t aware of this rule, it’s printed on a nice big sign at the entrance.

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – There is no alcohol served, allowing the Golden Dragon to hire under 21s, which is all they do. I could have been at a UConn girls volleyball practice at this place. Everyone was thin, athletic, young, and was showing off awesome pole moves on the stage. There were a few eights and nines, and the place was littered with sevens and nothing under a six.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – Sixteen girls on a Friday is pretty good, especially since all 16 of them will do a masturbation show (some with a friend). The ratio was roughly one to one given the number of dudes present.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – One unavoidable sticking point to Portland is that it’s full of thin white girls. All athletic with great bodies, but most of the variance involves a) what color her hair is, b) what her tattoos look like, and c) where her piercings are located.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – When you arrive and pay your cover, there are three to four girls waiting at the entrance to give you a Bunny Ranch style tour. Your mileage may vary on that one, depending mostly on how willing you seem to be to spend money. Showing you around the club is mainly a way to show off the menu and gauge how loose you are with the twenties, but most won’t be too pushy about dragging cash out before you even sit down. On nights where there are a ton of girls working and the guys aren’t making it rain, though, they can get a little testy and make it a bit of a buzzkill. You would think having a tough night and a great ratio would encourage the girls to be friendlier and more affectionate, but they just pout if you say no to tossing $150 their way.

Value (6.5/10) – Since there is no booze, you would expect an absurd cover charge, but it’s only $5. The menu consists of three sodas, water, and enormous Red Bulls. The single lap dance option mentioned above is a little overpriced, but the 3 for $40 deal is definitely a worthwhile option. I didn’t try the mutual masturbation, but your $150 will go farther here than possibly anywhere else in the area.

Dance Setup (4/10) – The single dance bench has no privacy and people walk by you all the time. The better option for dances is the semi-private booth. It appears most guys do a single dance to gauge a dancer and then go right to the VIP room, so it’s rare to have more than one guy anywhere near you. I imagine taking a UV light into the VIP room would have enough DNA evidence to make a two part episode of CSI.

Club Setup (3/10) – There is a short bar when you enter on the left and a small stage that is 6” off the floor in the middle. It looks terrible, but it more easily allows dancers to give decent stage action and that’s where most people congregate. Unfortunately, most of the guys are 18 years old, awkward, naïve, nervous, and pitching a tent the size of the Chrysler building in front of everyone else in the bright light. The long dance benches near the stage are usually empty (and thus a waste of space), presumably because not many guys are stupid enough to think one dance for $20 is mathematically superior to three for $40.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – Since it’s 18+, there’s a large under 21 crowd coming to the club hammered out of their minds, trying hard to spend all of their $35 checking account. It’s a bit of a change from other clubs, but at least everyone is happy to be there, even after getting past the two biker extras from Sons of Anarchy at the front door. The larger issue is that it’s brighter than a restaurant and you couldn’t hide in a dark corner unless you went to another club.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – This place is right in the middle of downtown Portland. You can stumble a few blocks to awesome street food and to bars, with public transportation all around. You couldn’t be in a better place if you tried.

Overall – If you have a ton of cash and want to get right into watching two girls have sex in front of you while you masturbate, call this place your own. If not, it’s not a good choice among the several clubs within walking distance of it. The standard Portland “no hands” rule is enforced, and try as I may, I could not get a girl to admit that you can straight up have sex in the VIP room.

Because of the relative strength of its competition, I can only recommend this club for the under-21s, as it may be their only game in town. Just be careful since the girls are better at convincing you to watch them masturbate than you are at convincing them you don’t have enough money to pay for it.

TOTAL SCORE = 48.5