Visions (Madison, WI)

[Note: This review was written by guest blogger Pussy Control, trusted friend of Peter Tips.]

Quality of dances (4/20) – The girl who gave my friends and me a dance (she took three of us back for a dance at once) was having fun and/or was really good at her job: gold star for personality. As the first song ended she even said, “Well that was a short song; I’ll give you one more.” None of us specifically asked about two-way contact, but I think it was available. One-way contact was quality. I was also impressed with how well she adjusted to giving a dance to women rather than men (not something all strippers do well from my limited experience). Unfortunately for you, the other customers that I talked to reported that it's rare for guys to get anything more than airdances in this place.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – It was amateur night when I was there, and so it was a little tough to tell who actually worked at the club. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of the girls who clearly worked there. My only previous strip club experience being the Spearmint Rhino, I had relatively low expectations for a strip club near the airport in Madison. While there was at least one girl who was the embodiment of every negative side effect of Meth, there were also a few cute, healthy looking women, at least one of whom was in great shape and had some awesome moves on the poll.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Again, a little hard to tell because it was amateur night, but it looked like only about 5 or 6 girls there were employees of the club. That being said, it was a Sunday night and there were only a handful of people there other than the group I was with. Despite the fact that the group of women I was with were obviously not going to spend a lot on dances, two of the girls spent most of the night hanging out with us.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – I’m pretty sure that all the girls who worked at the club were white. But I give them points for good diversity of body type: petite athletic builds, more curvy types, and not a fake tit in sight (like Peter Tips, Pussy Control far prefers teardrops to bazookas).

Attitude of dancers (8.5/10) – This is where the club really shined. These girls were FUN. Take into consideration that I was there with a large, rowdy group of fun women, so that was clearly a factor. But still, when on stage they looked like they were having a good time, and they did things to each other and my friends that you would NEVER see at a place like the Rhino. This is the upshot of a smaller, more laid back club I suppose.

Value (7.5/10) – There's no cover before 7 PM, but it's a slightly overpriced $8 after then. At $2, the beer is a solid value, even for Wisconsin. Dances were $20, but the girls were willing and able to negotiate, at least with us female patrons. The show on stage was an especially good value, with the girls doing all sorts of crazy shit for ones and fives.

Dance Setup (9/10) – I’m going to qualify this by saying that I was pretty wasted by the time my friends and I got a dance, so things are a little fuzzy…. But I know that we walked past a bouncer to get back to the booths. The girl we were with definitely had to ask his permission to bring three of us back there at once, but he seemed pretty cool and was willing to go along with whatever the dancer suggested. The booth that we went back to had three walls and a curtain that closed it off. Inside there was a love seat and a tiny little “stage” with a mirror. It sort of reminded me of a dressing room at a nice clothing store. Hard to imagine a better dance setup than this.

Club Setup (3/10) – I actually liked the set-up a lot, but Peter Tips insists that it qualifies as a three. Right as you come in there is a bar with bar stools, etc. It was nice to have the option of sitting off to the side and having a few beers before heading over towards the stage. The stage was off to the right. It was L shaped, surrounded by tables and standard banquet hall chairs. The floor was a little crowded with tables and chairs, and although we didn’t have trouble navigating the landscape on this slow night, it must be very difficult when things get packed. There were also some tables set back from the stage, which was nice for those who were just there to hang out, and didn’t really want to be too close to the action on stage. It was a very basic setup, but it met all of our needs.

Club Atmosphere (2.5/10) – I hate to give it such a low rating, because I really liked the atmosphere. I guess it depends on what you are looking for. It was the local dive bar of strip clubs; clean and comfortable, but nothing fancy. I’m the type who always goes for the more low-key and laid back place in general, so I thought it was great. If you want lots of plush seats, fancy lighting and glimmering bars stocked with bottle after bottle of Patron and Grey Goose, this is not your scene. But if that is your scene, what the fuck are you doing in Madison, WI? It is no Rhino, but I was more comfortable and had more fun at Visions.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Ten minute cab ride from downtown, very close to the airport.

Overall – Nothing fancy, just the basics. However, the club was cleaner and more comfortable and the girls hotter than I expected for the only strip club in Madison. What’s more, the women working there were fun as hell. I’d go back if I ever had any reason to be in Madison again (and I have no interest in ever going back to the Spearmint Rhino).

TOTAL SCORE = 47.5