Las Chavelas (Tijuana, Mexico)

Quality of Dances (18/20) – My dance was excellent with unlimited two-way contact and plenty of grinding, and the only reason that it wasn’t even better was that I told my girl that I just wanted a dance rather than her other services. I was assured, however, that the price would have included a skilled blowjob, and that promise was confirmed by every server who came by winking and making the international miming symbol for a penis pushing up against the inside of a girl's cheek. 

Quality of Dancers (4/10) – The girls at Las Chavelas are a little older and a little thicker than you'll find elsewhere on Calle Coahuila, but most of them are still pleasant looking and some of them are in the 7-8 range. 

Number of Dancers (7/10) – It's hard to get a real good sense of how many girls are working since they're spread throughout the club sitting with customers, but I'd guess that there have been around 2 dozen working during each of my visits. I haven't been here at night because I'm not entirely insane, so maybe the ratio goes down when they're busy, but I've never found a dancer to customer ratio of much worse than 1-to-1. 

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – There's some size variation, but if you're not into 25-35 year old Mexican chicks, you're going to be out of luck. 

Attitudes (7/10) – This club works on the girl drink system and the girls sell them hard, but they're the friendliest on the block if you're willing to buy them their $8 beers. I've had girls sit with me for hours without even bringing up the topic of going upstairs, and they're all more than happy to help you practice your Spanish or load up your iTunes with the awesome music that plays in the club.

Value (7/10) – The 2-for-1 $4 beers are a steal and the $8 mini dancer beers aren't too bad for the amount of time that it gets you with the girl, and there's no cover. $48 for dances seems ridiculous at first, but it also gets you an hour in the private VIP room upstairs and probably a BJ or more, so it's hard to complain about that too much. Unfortunately, unless you 're into slow dancing with the girls on stage as many of the locals do, the stage value is usually petty poor. I did get to witness some excitement once when police chased a guy through the club and over the main stage, but I think, or at least I hope, that's not a regular occurrence.

Club Setup (6/10) – The most notable thing about Las Chavelas is the unique Western theme, with pretty much everything being made of wood or stone, lots of cow skulls around the room, and cactus shaped bar stools. Despite the gimmick, this is a reasonably nice place with bars in the front and the back and a ton of booth seating throughout the club. The booths are big enough for two guys to sit comfortably and two girls to snuggle up next to them, which is usually what happens.  The main stage is front and center in the club, so everyone should have a good view of it, and the live music stage off to the right side looks pretty solid, though I’ve unfortunately never seen it in use.

Dance Setup (10/10) – Dances are given in private VIP rooms on the second floor of the club. Each room is just for one guy and one girl, but they’re reasonably large, have soft bench seating around the outside, and have a door that closes and thick curtain that closes off the opening to the main part of the club. The nice thing is that, once you’re finished with your dance, you can open the curtain and look out over the club from your private room for the remainder of the hour. It’s easily among my favorite dance setups of all time. 

Atmosphere (2/10) – I have to admit upfront that I love this place. The Nortenas music is awesome, cheap beer makes everything better, and you'll almost certainly never see an American unless he's lost, he's one of my readers, or he's me. Having said that, I get the impression that this isn't the safest place in the world at night for white guys. At Hong Kong and Adelita, I think the staff keeps an eye on the Americans to make sure they aren't drawing the wrong kind of attention from any other customers, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. 

Location (0/5) – I can’t give them any credit for the location since you’re going to have to cross the border to get there and it’s not particularly safe, but it’s right between Hong Kong and Adelita, so it’s easy enough to stop by quickly if you’re visiting either of the two more famous clubs on the block.

Overall – Don’t bother going to Las Chavelas on your first trip to Tijuana, but it’s a nice option for 2-for-1 beers in the afternoon if you’ve made several visits to Hong Kong and Adelita and are ready for a more authentic Mexican strip club experience.

RAW SCORE = 62

Cheetahs (Las Vegas, NV)

Most recent visit: September, 2016

Quality of Dances (12/20) – The lack of privacy prevents anything too crazy from going on, but most girls provide a good grind and are open to two-way contact. Although there’s still variation from one girl to the next, a “bad” dance at Cheetahs now is comparable to the best dances that I received here a few years ago.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – There’s more variation in quality at Cheetahs than you’ll find at most of the other big name Vegas clubs, with some girls I’d go out of my way to avoid, some stone-cold killers and everything in between, but it’s a fairly impressive workforce overall and I don’t think anyone will have a problem finding several worthy girls on any given visit.

Number of Dancers (8.5/10) – The number of women varies, but it’s usually perfect for the number of customers. When the club is busy, it’s absolutely teeming with women, and when it’s slow, they still have more than enough women to keep everyone entertained.  During each of my visits, virtually every group of patrons has been joined by multiple women, and I’m always approached by one or more within minutes of arriving.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (5/5) – Name your shape, size, race or country; you’ll find it at Cheetahs.

Attitude of Dancers (9/10) – It seems crazy to say that the best dancer attitudes of all time could be at a famous Vegas club, but my group and I interacted with dozens of them over our three most recent visits and all of them were at least friendly if not downright awesome. One girl in particular spent about 4 hours on my lap, only getting up to pour me drinks, before I gave her so much as a dollar. Even when we did go for dances, it was at my request, not hers. Of course, don’t take advantage of that or they’ll become a whole lot less friendly in a hurry, but if you take care of them, they’ll take care of you. These girls really are great.   

Value (6.5/10) – The cover is $20 if you arrive by cab, but they’ll waive it if you take their limo or valet park your own car for $20. Most of the other prices aren’t too bad with regular dances being $20, slightly more private dances 3-for-$100, and 30 minutes in the VIP “G-Spot” going for $200, but the $9 beers are pretty rough. Fortunately, at least on Sunday through Wednesday nights, you can get a bucket of 5 beers for a reasonable $31 or a 1L bottle of liquor and 3 mixers for $125, which is a huge bargain.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – As long as they aren’t too busy, most of the girls will take you to rows of benches along the front or back walls, but some of the dances occur right on the crowded main floor, where even the most dexterous dancer will have a hard time doing her thing. Fortunately, if you’re willing to drop a reasonable $200 to go to the “G-Spot” (named for Jack Galardi, the former owner of Cheetahs and Miami’s King of Diamonds, among other clubs), you’ll have a lot more space and won’t be visible to anyone other than the half dozen or so other girls/guys who are giving/receiving dances.

Club Setup (6.5/10) – Cheetahs has the classic strip club setup that one sees in TV shows and movies: a single longish stage in the center of the club, a long bar lining a raised area off to the side, and a bunch of small tables (3-4 seats) all around. Although it’s a little cramped, it has been renovated somewhat over the past few years and has some dark corners where you can sit without all eyes on you, and I really like it overall.

Club Atmosphere (8.5/10) – From the bouncer who offered to allow me to bring my In-N-Out burger into the club, to the girls who latched onto our arms the second we walked in, to the bartender who promised to recommend a “Peter Tips” aka a “Dirty Peter” (redbull with a double shot of whiskey) to anyone who can’t decide what drink to order, to the DJ who played an hour block of hip hop at my request, my group is always treated like VIPs at this place, and I have no reason to believe that everyone doesn’t receive similar treatment. With its tendency to draw large crowds for a small space, Cheetahs could easily have a meat market type atmosphere, but they do a nice job of avoiding that vibe. The low lighting goes a long way to make up for the close quarters and the music keeps the energy up nicely.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Like all Vegas clubs, Cheetahs isn’t walkable, but it’s just a short cab or limo ride away from anywhere on the Strip.

Overall – The Spearmint Rhino is a bigger spectacle, the dances are better at Little Darlings, the happy hour is cheaper at Treasures and the setup is better at Hustler, but is there a better all-around club in Las Vegas right now than Cheetahs? Based on the fact that my group ended up here 3 of the 4 nights that we were in town during my most recent trip, I don’t think that there is. Either way, Cheetahs is a great club that has easily earned my Seal of Approval.

RAW SCORE = 68.5

GRADE = A+

Blush (Pittsburgh, PA)

Quality of Dances (11.5/20) - I didn't get the feeling that extras are available, but most of the girls provide a decent grind and two-way contact is encouraged to varying degrees. Most of them welcome some breast groping and some girls have told me I could do whatever I wanted as long as I made sure that the camera didn't have a clear sightline if I wanted to rub their crotches. In the past, I've gotten a lot more teasing than quality dancing at Blush and it's possible that some of the girls still do that, but all of my recent dances here have been fairly good. 

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – These ladies are, for the most part, fairly attractive, but they’re a noticeable step below what you’d find at Cheerleaders.  For whatever reason, most of the black dancers that I've seen here haven't done much for me, but most of the paler ladies relatively young, in fairly good shape and in the 6-8 range.

Number of Dancers (4.5/10) – On Friday and Saturday nights, I've seen 15-20 women dancing which sounds fairly good, but it's actually not great considering that the club gets packed with so many customers that you can barely move. I hate to tell a club to raise their cover charge, but they need to do something to thin out the crowd on weekend nights, or they need to hire more dancers, because what they had just wasn’t getting the job done.  At non-peak times, I've found about half as many dancers, but since there's usually only a handful of customers, the ratio was much more favorable. 

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3.5/5) – I’m giving them a 3.5, but the variety at Blush is as about good as you’ll find in western Pennsylvania.  Most of the ladies are black or white, but I’ve seen a few Asians and olive skinned ladies as well, and there’s sufficient size variation. 

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – These girls are nice enough once you talk to them, but like everywhere else in Pittsburgh, there are so many customers at prime time that the ladies don’t mind giving customers attitude, especially if they don’t think those particular customers are likely to be big spenders.   Ladies, maybe pissing a guy off won’t cost you anything tonight because you’re busy, but it will cost you tomorrow when the club is dead and the only potential customer is the guy you just pissed off. 

Value (4/10) – Everything is slightly more expensive than it should be with a $10 cover, $30 dances (a slightly discounted $79 if you buy 3) and $10 drinks, but nothing is too outlandish.  Plus, you certainly get more for your money from the nude stage action than you do from the topless show at Cheerleaders.  I was quoted $220 for a half hour upstairs or $360 for a full hour, but I'm not sure what exactly that includes.  

Dance Setup (6/10) – The chairs aren’t particularly comfortable, but you get your own booth with an opaque curtain blocking the view from anyone else.  I was told that there's a camera in there, but I didn't get the feeling that anyone monitors that too closely.  As an added bonus, they have TV screens in each booth that show the stage, so you can watch that if you're bored by the lady you're with.  Though, if you're bored by the lady you're with, why did you just give her $30 for a dance?      

Club Setup (2/10) – Blush is a small club with a narrow stage along the right side wall, a reasonably long but very narrow square bar in a raised area along the back wall and a small cage-like stage in a back corner, but most of the club is standing room only.   That would be awkward but tolerable under normal circumstances, but this place can get so packed that you’ll get more contact from other customers bumping into you than you could hope to get from the dancers.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – This place can be cramped and just generally crazy, but it's actually a fun place to hang out for an hour or two, especially before or after a sporting event.  It's too crowded for large groups, but groups of about 4 guys or less should have a good time in here.  

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Blush is right downtown and is within easy walking distance of several hotels and the Consol Energy Center and PNC Park.  Parking can be a bit of a pain in the ass, but you can usually find street parking nearby, and if not, there's a parking garage right across the street.   

Overall - You can get better contact at Silky's in McKees Rocks, the girls are hotter at Cheerleaders and Club Erotica, and the Filly Corral is great if you're willing to drive for a half hour, but the combination of reasonably hot girls, fairly good dances, nude stage action, a full bar and a nice, relaxed vibe, makes Blush my favorite option when I'm in or around downtown Pittsburgh.    

RAW SCORE = 52.5

Hong Kong (Tijuana, Mexico)

Some people say that Hong Kong and the neighboring Adelita Bar are strip clubs.  Other people say that they’re whorehouses.  The truth is, they’re whatever you want them to be.  If you want to down a few beers while looking at some of the most beautiful women in the world, they’re strip clubs to you.  If you want to grab a girl, negotiate a deal and then fuck, they’re brothels.  And if you want to take in the sights, have a few beers, find your favorite girl and then take her upstairs, they’re pretty much heaven.  I’m a strip club expert, so that’s what my scores are based on, but just know that these places have even more to offer than the scores would suggest. 

Quality of Dances (18/20) – The ladies don’t want to do anything for $20 that’s going to prevent you from dropping $70 for sex, but short of trying to finish you off, these dances are as good as they could possibly be.  The girls get naked and provide full upper and lower body two-way contact.   And if you're left wanting more, that can be easily arranged.   

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – I admit that I have a thing for Mexicans, but these are some of the hottest that I've seen.  Some look a little worn out and there are more implants than I’d like to see, but a substantial portion of this workforce could pass for models or actresses.  Young, in good shape and willing makes for a very nice experience.  

Number of Dancers (10/10) – It doesn’t get much better than a dozen or more girls dancing at a time.  And when I say “dancing,” I don’t mean working the crowd; I mean stripping naked on a stage or a bar.  Since a lot of the girls disappear to the motel upstairs for a half hour at a time, it’s tough to get an accurate count of how many girls are actually working, but it’s among the most that I’ve ever seen at a club.  You might have to wait a while if you have your heart set on a particular girl, but you’ll never be at a want for attention from some true beauties. 

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – There’s some size variation and a mix of natural and enhanced ladies, but you’re out of luck if you don’t like Mexicans.  Luckily, that’s not an issue for me.  At all. 

Attitudes (3.5/10) – The language barrier is expected since the club is in Mexico, but since I’m writing this from an American strip club goer’s perspective, I’m going to have to dock them a few points because it really does make communication difficult with some of the ladies.  Still, hand gestures and dollar bills are universal enough that you won’t have any problem getting what you want, just don’t count on having any meaningful conversation unless your Spanish is at least passable.  Having said that, most of the girls are really friendly if you do manage to understand each other, and their enthusiasm for putting on a stunning stage show is admirable.   

Value (10/10) – There’s technically no cover, but you’re expected to buy a $4 Sol and to hand out dollar tips to various employees throughout your visit.  That’s a very small price to pay, though, for the best stage show that I’ve ever seen.  You really can’t look any direction without seeing a naked dime, but the real action is in the back of the club.  That’s where the lesbian action goes on, both in a bubble bath and on a shaving cream covered stage, and most of the ladies don’t seem to have any problem with guys inserting a finger or getting a taste at the stage for a dollar.  Whether eating out a Tijuana prostitute is a good idea is up to you, but it’s hard to knock the value that the opportunity presents.  At night, the shows are even more ridiculous.  A girl basically rubs herself with a vibrator until a customer offers a dollar, then she hands it over to allow the guy to insert it a few times.  And even if you don’t want to leave your seat, a dollar will be plenty to get you a feel or a mini table dance.  Real, fairly long lap dances are a reasonable value at $21, but they aren’t terribly popular since it’s not as great of a deal as the half hour sessions in the motel upstairs.  That will run you somewhere around $90, with $70 going to the girl, $16 going to the motel, $1 going to the club for a robe so that the girl can take the two steps down the street to the motel without getting dressed, and another buck or two to the guys who will clean up the room after your half hour romp.  All told, the price for sex will be about $15 more here than at Adelita Bar, but either way, you’re banging a model-quality girl for less than a Benjamin, so I wouldn’t sweat it. 

Club Setup (9/10) – Hong Kong is a great looking club.   The perfect lighting and numerous stages throughout the room ensure that everyone will have a good view of something worth viewing, and there are enough places to sit that you should be able to find a seat that’s perfect for your mood.  There are a few bars, there are plenty of places to sit or stand in the middle of the action, there are small booths around the outside where you can chat up a girl or relax while taking in the sights, and there’s even an upstairs balcony area towards the front of the club where you can look down at some of the stages, although that’s a little too far from the action to be ideal once the novelty of the unique vantage point wears off. My favorite place is probably near the back of the club where you have a great view of the shaving cream and bubble bath shows (on the main level during the day and upstairs at night), but there really isn’t a bad seat in the house.

Dance Setup (8/10) – Dances are given up on the balcony level of the club in individual closed booths.  The doors to the booths let in some light, but it’s very private since no one can see in, and the guy who keeps track of the time has the courtesy to knock on the door when your time’s up rather than opening the door and seeing what you’re up to.

If you’re looking to get more intimate with a lady, that action technically takes place outside of the club, though it’s really just a few steps from the club’s door to the motel’s door.  The rooms are simple but relatively clean, and they each have a shower and a toilet so you can clean up before or after your “date.”   

Atmosphere (7/10) – The party atmosphere in the place is amazing in the evening, and even better at night. Clubs that are filled with girls who fuck for money can be depressing if the atmosphere isn’t perfect, but there's an energy at Hong Kong like I’ve only seen at some of the Vegas clubs.  Guys just come here looking for a party, and the girls are more than willing to provide it.  Even if you aren’t looking to get your dick wet, the hot girls, the cold beer, and the jaw dropping stage show make this a perfect place for a night out with the boys.  Or at least it would be if you could fully let your guard down, which you probably shouldn't if you're a relative Tijuana newbie. 

Location (0/5) – Park on the U.S. side of the border, walk across and take a taxi to Hong Kong for $5.  The driver will try to convince you that other clubs are better because other clubs pay a better kickback, but stick to your guns – Adelita Bar and Hong Kong are the only clubs you should consider.  Luckily, they’re only a half block away from each other, so you can always check them both out before dropping any real money.  If your only knowledge of Tijuana comes from sensationalist U.S. news stories, you might be a little nervous about heading to this club, but you should be fine if you stay aware of your surroundings and get the hell back to the border if anything seems off. It should be particularly safe if you keep your visit to daylight hours, but I've felt perfectly safe while drinking here into the early morning. Still, the need to cross the border to go to Hong Kong makes it impossible for me to give them any points for location.   

RAW SCORE = 75.5

Overall – Hong Kong is one of, if not the, best brothels in North America.  More importantly for my purposes, it is one of, if not the, best strip clubs I’ve ever been to.  If it were located 200 yards to the north, it would be pretty much perfect.  Of course, if it were located 200 yards to the north, the San Diego Police Department would have it shut down immediately. 

If you’ve never been there before, I’m sure that your real question is whether it’s worth the risk to go, but you’ll have to answer that question for yourself.  For me, though, it’s a no brainer – any time that I find myself in Southern California, I make a trip to Hong Kong.