Cabaret Carioca (Prague, Czech Republic)

Quality of Dances (10.5/20) – You won’t be getting any extra services or a whole lot of grinding, but otherwise, the 1500 czk (~$75) dances are very enjoyable.  The only rules were that I couldn’t “touch the pussy or kiss the mouth,” both of which I was perfectly fine with.  Unfortunately, the contact will only be one way if you stick to the slightly less overpriced 1000 czk option, but I probably wouldn’t bother with either opinion at these prices. 

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – These girls are a small step down from what you’d find across the square at Goldfingers, but they’re still very attractive and all fall within the 7-9 range.  It varies from one night to the next, but I’ve generally found them to be among the hottest dancers in Prague. 

Number of Dancers (6/10) – If you want company, you’ll get it almost immediately, but most of the girls hang out in the dressing room if customers aren’t buying ladies drinks.  The real reason to come here, though, is to drink some beer while taking in the stage show, and the number of girls is perfect for that.  The stage is always occupied, often with multiple girls, and it takes a long time until they have to repeat performers. 

Variety of Dancers (0/5) – Over the course of three visits, I’ve seen exactly one dancer who wasn’t white and thin.  She was white and had an average build. 

Attitudes (5.5/10) – “If you want to be left alone, that’s no problem.  If you want some company, here are the prices for drinks.”  The dancer won’t bother chatting if you don’t buy her a marked up drink, but at least they’re honest and straightforward without the bullshit here.  Plus, they’re fairly friendly if you do buy them drinks, and most of the ladies don’t ask for tips.  For a club that relies on selling dancer drinks (which is pretty much every club in Europe), this is as good as it gets. 

Value (4/10) – As long as you keep lapdances (starting at 1000 czk and going all the way up to 8000 czk) to a minimum and specify that you’re only buying the 240 czk dancer drinks (they go up to 10 times that much), the value at Cabaret Carioca is pretty solid.  The well-choreographed stage show can be viewed for free, and often includes some light girl-girl action.  The real value, though, is that you can get entry and 5 small Budweisers (produced in Budweis, Czech Republic – no relation to the American brewery) for 200 czk (about $10 US).  They should offer that at the door anyway, but if you want to be safe, you can get of the their street salesmen to take you to the entrance, though you might want to take your chances first because those street guys are pretty sketchy.  I made the mistake of talking to one of them while I still had half a can of beer and part of a sausage to finish (yes, drinking in the square is perfectly acceptable), so I had to hear his theories about how black people who are born in the U.S. or Britain have normal intelligence, but the ones born in Africa “do not have fully developed brains.”  I just backed away slowly and went to his Senegalese co-worker so that that guy could get the commission instead.  Anyway, once you use your drink tickets, beers are a reasonable 90 czk each.   

Club Setup (6.5/10) – This is a fairly small club in a basement just of Wenceslas Square.  There’s a tiny bar area at the entrance, but there’s no reason to spend any time in there except when you’re using your drink tickets.  In the main room, there’s a nice long 3-polled stage in the center of the room with several small tables around it, then there’s a raised area around the perimeter with more tables and several booths that work for groups of up to 4 or 5.  It’s not overly fancy, but for a laidback club, it works. 

Dance Setup (6/10) – Dances are given in a separate hallway, so no one can see you from the main part of the club, plus curtains block the view of most other dance recipients.  There are 3 seats inside each of the curtains, so it’s possible that you’ll have some company if it’s busy, but otherwise you’ll be left alone.  And even if other guys are back there, there’re mirrors optimally angled for each dance seat, so everything will have much better things to look at than your dance. 

Atmosphere (6.5/10) – I wouldn’t bring a bachelor party here, but for solo strip club goers and small groups who want to relax, down a few beers and take in the sights in a low hustle environment, there’s nowhere better in Prague.  It’s become my go-to place for bridging the gap between a heavy, pork-based dinner, and hitting the more high energy night spots. 

Location (5/5) – It’s a little hard to see from the street since it’s down a little hallway, but Cabaret Carioca is just off Wenceslas Square, right in the middle of all the action.  There’s really no excuse for you to stay anywhere that isn’t within walking distance of this and the other half-dozen-plus clubs in the area.

Overall – Cabaret Carioca isn’t the craziest spot and their lapdances are a huge waste of cash, but I like it a lot as a place to drink some cheap beers, see some nice stageshows, and relax before really hitting the town. 

RAW SCORE = 58.5

Bon Bon (Berlin, Germany)

According to Off Track Planet, whatever that is, Bon Bon is one of the top ten strip clubs in the world.  It's not.  It sucks.  They don't even let you see inside the club before you pay your 10 Euro cover, and it's not hard to figure out why once you go inside.  It's tiny, filled with meathead douchebags, and just generally a waste of time.  I'm not going to waste my time reviewing it, and you shouldn't waste your time going there.  Either save your money for another city, or, if you're up for a brothel, hop on the train, take it one stop to the west, and walk to Artemis.

Rio Strip Bar (Prague, Czech Republic)

Quality of Dances (10/20) – The dances at Rio are about standard for the sex-free Prague clubs – the girls get naked and allow full two-way contact, but don’t grind much at all.  These dances are a little less enjoyable than at the other places, though, because you have to spend the entire time shooting down the dancers’ requests for you to buy more time.  Don’t fall for it. In my drunken stupor, I allowed myself to be talked into getting an “erotic massage,” which ended up just being a longer version of the lapdances except that the girl covered herself in lotion and I rubbed in in for a few seconds.  I guess that’s somewhat erotic, but it was definitely no massage. 

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – I don’t think you’ll ever find unattractive girls in Prague, in or our of the strip clubs, but these ladies are a step below those in the other Wenceslas Square area clubs.

Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – This is a small club, so even though there isn’t a huge number of dancers, there’s plenty to ensure that you’re accompanied and/or harassed throughout your visit. 

Variety of Dancers (0/5) – As in most of the other Prague clubs, there isn’t a whole lot of racial or body type diversity at Rio.  You better like your ladies white and thin, because that’s all they’ve got.

Attitudes (0/10) – The hustle is off the charts in here. It’s obvious that they’re relying on ripping off a new set of tourists each night rather than cultivating repeat business, because they’re constantly trying to sell you the next dance (even if you’ve just started your first dance) and the next drink (even if you’ve just bought them one).  It’s especially bad since, unlike at the other Prague clubs, the lady drink prices are not clearly displayed and they will not tell you the prices unless you ask, so drunken visitors who don’t know any better get quite a shock when the bill comes. 

Value (0.5/10) – The prices are all about what you’d expect for a tourist trap strip club.  The 500 czk (about $25 US) cover charge is good for 2 shots, the stage value is ok, and beers are 150 czk each, but the dances are outrageously priced, with the cheapest option going for 1650 czk and the “erotic massage” being 2500 czk.  For comparison, you can get laid for less than that at several of the Prague clubs.  When you add in the fact that they’re constantly trying to hustle you and you’re not going to be in the best of mental states for fighting off the hustle, this ends up being the last place I’d go if I were trying to stretch a dollar.  Though, truthfully, it’s the last place I’d go no matter what I was trying to do.  

Club Setup (2/10) – Rio is a tiny club with a main room that has some chairs and a few couches around a small stage and a separate bar area in the back. Even with mirrored walls to make it seem larger than it is, it’s still claustrophobic. The seating is fairly limited, so you might end up sitting with other groups, but all the hustling means there’s enough turnover that you shouldn’t be stuck with them for too long.   

Dance Setup (10/10) – You get a private room for dances, so I don’t have any complaints here.  I believe that each dance room is a little different, but they all have chairs or couches and at least some of them have mirrored walls so you can view your girl from different angles.  You really can’t get a better dance setup than this. 

Atmosphere (2/10) – There’s actually a bit of a party vibe in here, surely aided by all the drunken bachelor partiers who haven’t yet realized that their tab will be for 10s of thousands of Czech crowns, but having to be on guard for scams is no way for the informed strip club goer to party or relax.

Location (5/5) – Rio is in the main alley that runs from Wenceslas Square to the Old Town Square.  It’s tourist central, which might make you tempted to poke your head inside, but remember that there are a half dozen better clubs within a five minute walk of here.

Overall – Rio is a tourist trap that preys on uninformed and inebriated foreigners.  I can’t speak to the inebriated part, but you’re no longer uninformed, so do not go here.

RAW SCORE = 40

K5 Relax (Prague, Czech Republic)

If you were to take parts of the strip club experience, parts of the brothel experience, and parts of the escort service experience and combine them to make a single establishment, K5 Relax would be the result.  You’ll spend most of your visit in a bar area that looks like a strip club, but even though there are some ladies in the room, you select girls based on their profiles (including pictures) on the little screens at your table.  Once you see a profile you like, you call the hostess over, and she’ll send the girl to you so you can check her out in person over a drink.  If you like her, you take her to a private room to fuck.  If not, you send her back, pick another profile and repeat.  You’re welcome to have as many sessions as you want (each for a separate fee), and you can recharge in the bar area or by getting a massage.  It’s not really fair to rate it as a strip club, because, depending on your perspective, it’s either much more or much less than that, but since it made AskMen’s list of the tops 10 strip clubs in the world, that’s how I’ll do it.  Just read the review rather than focusing solely on the score, because it might be exactly what you’re looking for or it might be a place that doesn’t interest you in the least. 

Quality of Dances (0/20) – You will not get a lap dance at K5 Relax, but they’re all down to fuck for 2400 czk (roughly $120 US). 

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – Based on looks, in comparison to the other full service Prague clubs, these ladies rate above the ShowPark girls, below the Darling girls, and about on par with the Atlas girls.  They’re actually fairly attractive overall and would have earned a higher score but for the fact that they only undress if you pay them for sex.  On stage, the bikinis stay on. 

Number of Dancers (7/10) – On the night that I stopped by, they had around 20 ladies working, which was more than enough considering that there are only 8 tables in the place. 

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – Some olive skinned Eastern Europeans were a nice variation from the usual pale Czech look, but most of not all of their ladies are white. 

Attitudes (2/10) – These ladies are actually fairly friendly once you talk to them, but the setup makes interaction difficult.  They won’t talk to you at all unless you have a hostess call them over, and even though you can send them back to their corner if you don’t feel a connection, there’s nothing natural about the interaction. 

Value (4/10) – The entry fee is 500 czk (about $25 US) and they keep a running tab at a rate of 2400 czk for each half hour fuck session with their girls and 150 czk for each Pilsner Urquell.  You remain in your street clothes the entire time that you’re in the club (unlike at the German FKKs where you change into a robe or towel), so I’m not sure why you can’t just pay as you go, but I guess they think it adds to the fantasy to not have the girls cash, so you just settle up when you leave. 

Club Setup (1.5/10) – This club is classy enough, but the bar is tiny and the only real place to sit is at one of the eight diner-style booths that surround the small stage.  That wouldn’t be so bad if there were 7 or less groups in the place when you arrive, but, otherwise, you’re going to be stuck sharing a table with what is likely to be some very sketchy guys. 

Dance Setup (10/10) – Since there aren’t dances, I guess this should be “fuck room setup,” but whatever you call it, it’s great.  The sex sessions take place in any of several large private rooms that include showers, beds, and lots of mirrors.  The one that really caught my eye had mirrors on the ceiling, but all of the rooms are very nice. 

Atmosphere (3/10) – The big advantage of this place over the other Prague clubs is that there’s no drink hustle here, so the atmosphere is very relaxed.  The downside is that you don’t interact with the girls, the girls on stage aren’t even topless, and the crowd can be a little on the sketchy side.  I wouldn’t plan on spending a whole lot of time here, but it’s nice enough if you just want to sip a beer or two while you decide on a girl. 

Location (4/5) – The club is just a short walk from Wenceslas Square, but it’s a little our of the way from the other clubs or anywhere else that you’re likely to be. 

Overall – As a strip club, K5 Relax is not worth visiting, but it could be worth considering if you’re looking for a full service club.  The selection is better and the prices much lower at ShowPark, the girls are much hotter at Darling, and the location is better at Darling and Atlas, but K5 is an acceptable compromise if you want sex in New Town Prague without the drink hustle. 

RAW SCORE = 38.5

Hallo Bar (Budapest, Hungary)

Quality of Dances (14/20) – “You touch me anywhere and I’ll touch you anywhere” was the sales pitch, and for the most part, they delivered.  No one tried to get inside my pants, but there was plenty of over-the-pants rubbing, tit grabbing was encouraged, and the girls get fully nude.  These are the best dances in Budapest, though they’re not quite good enough to make up for some of the drawbacks of this place.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – I didn’t see any real stunners, but, with one unfortunate exception, the entire work force was in the 6-8 range.  Overall, it’s enough to make for some decent eye candy even if there’s no one that you feel like you absolutely must get a dance with.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – With twice as many dancers as booths (15 and 7, respectively), everyone who wants to be joined by a few ladies will be.  The number of dancers was just about perfect for a small club like this. 

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – You won’t like Hungary if you don’t like relatively thin white girls, but there is at least a variety of skin tones at Hallo Bar.

Attitudes (0/10) – Watch out for ripoffs at this place, because agreeing to buy a girl a drink does not ensure that she’s going to buy one of the cheaper ones.  I thought I was pretty clear about what I was buying for one girl, but made the mistake of allowing her to place the order in Hungarian, then she got something that was moderately more expensive.  Not enough to break the bank (though they do have some of those drinks on the menu), but I hate spending time with a girl who rips me off for even a cent (or, in this case, about $15 US).  Even the ones who don’t try stunts like that are relentless with the sales pitch, asking you to buy a drink immediately, then if you do get one, they immediately ask you to buy the other, and this process repeats from the time she sits down until the time you cut her off or leave. 

Value (1.5/10) – There’s no cover, the nude stage show is a solid value, and dances aren’t bad at 10000 HUF (about $50 US) for 10 minutes of moderate to high contact, but watch out for the drinks because that’s where the club makes its money.  2000 HUF for a bottle of Heineken is rough, but it’s a bargain compared to the dancer drinks that start at 15000 HUF (about $75 US) and go up to at least 90000 HUF (about $450 US).  Whatever you do, pay in cash as you go, because I strongly suspect that a few of those 90000 HUF drinks will find their way to your bill if you use a card.  If you are going to go here, at least plan ahead and print out the free beer coupon from their website, because they do honor it.  

Club Setup (4/10) – This is a fairly classy looking place with a long raised runway-style stage in the center of the room, seating around the stage, a bar at the far end, and seven booths around the outside of the room.  It’s small enough that everyone has a good view of the stage, but you’re pretty much out of luck if there are at least 7 other groups of customers in the place. 

Dance Setup (8/10) – There are only 2 dance seats, so you may have to wait for one of them to open up (that’s just enough time for the girl to ask you to buy her another champagne), but once you get there, it’s nice and private.  You sit on a small bench/couch hybrid thing, and thick black curtains surround you.  It’s not a large area, but I’ll take privacy over spaciousness any day. 

Atmosphere (5.5/10) – There’s a fairly solid party vibe to this place, but the booth setup makes it unintimidating for more conservative customers who just want to relax as well.  Unfortunately, the ever-present sense that you’re about to be ripped off prevents you from being able to enjoy it as much as you should.

Location (4.5/5) - Hallo Bar is two blocks from the Octagon and is within walking distance of the touristy part of the Pest side of Budapest.  There’s also another strip club across the street, but I’d tread very carefully in there (or avoid it altogether), because I’ve been told that it’s a pure rip-off joint.

Overall – I’m never a fan of clubs that rely on overpriced dancer drinks to make their money, but when done properly, I’m occasionally willing to put up with it.  At Hallo Bar, though, it’s so bad that I’ll never return despite the fact that they have the best lap dances in town. 

RAW SCORE = 53.5