5th Alarm (Springfield, MA)

Quality of dances (15/20) – There was a lot of over the pants rubbing and offers to make me cum, but it's hard to enjoy it too much when there's a dude taking another dancer up on those same offers within plain view. Still, the dances are very much full contact, though there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of dancing going on.

Quality of dancers (1/10) – The black women are big and the white women look beat up. If you're interested in seeing attractive women, this isn't the right place. I've been told that many of the girls from the old Club 418 now dance here, but considering that their website used to brag about having "the biggest girls in New England," I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – There were probably 8-10 dancers in the here, and even though several of them were just sitting and talking to each other, there were more girls than customers in the afternoon.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Almost every girl in this place looks ghetto regardless of their race, and they range in size from thick to enormous. Most of them seemed to be in their late 20's, but there were a few older ones, including one whose whiskered asshole almost made me throw up.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – The girls here usually just ignore you until you sit a dollar in front of your seat, then they come running and give more contact at the stage than you'd get in a lapdance at most Massachusetts clubs. If the girl on stage doesn't see the dollar, the girls at the end of the bar shout, "Pussy for sale! Pussy for sale!" until the girl comes over to you.

Value (7.5/10) – There's no cover until 7, and only a 5 dollar cover after that. Drinks aren't too bad at $4 each and you get full value for your lap dance fees as well, but the real value here is in the stage action. Of course, the risk of your car being broken into while your in here offsets the value somewhat.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – You get your own chair for the lap dances, but they're still crowded around a small area in the back of the club. The people at the stage can't see you, but other guys who are getting dances are unobstructed.

Club Setup (1/10) – Fifth Alarm is located in a barely renovated warehouse. The stage here is similar to the stage down the street at Mardi Gras, only this one isn't nearly as nice. Also, there's a supply closet that blocks the one side of the bar/stage from the dance room, so the girls have you walk through it to meet them in the back. For the three seconds that I was in there, I was convinced that it was some type of setup and that I was going to die.

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – This is the most ghetto club that I've ever been to. People at the bus stop in front of the club were eyeing up my fairly shitty car as I pulled into the parking lot, and a lot of the crowd looked like they just stepped out of a scene from The Wire. The fact that they put in metal detectors shows that the club is trying to change the atmosphere in here, but it still isn't a place that I'd want to spend much time at night. You're welcome to assume that I'm just a pussy and that it isn't that bad, but as a point of reference, I feel perfectly safe at King Arthur's in Chelsea.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – Fifth Alarm is in downtown Springfield, but it isn't in a good location at all. On the plus side, I've been told that they do now have a fenced in parking lot across the street that someone watches at night.

Overall – The dances and value here are very good, but the chances of making frequent trips here without ever being a victim or a witness to a crime are not.

TOTAL SCORE = 38.5