Gold Club (Bedford, NH)

Note: This review was based on a visit that took place while this was still Mark's Showplace. Some things may have changed since then, but based on comments from my readers, the dances aren't much better than they've ever been.

Quality of dances (1/20) – This category needs a lengthy explanation, because the club is great but the dances are among the worst I've ever had. In New Hampshire apparently it's state law to wear lame ass pasties over nipples, and there is absolutely no contact. One of the girls I talked to rolled her eyes sarcastically when she told me that, and unfortunately I wasn't smart enough to get a dance from her. I fell in love with a gorgeous young blonde who I'm sure would give a great dance in another state, and she appeared to try to cheat the rule as much as possible, but that is completely irrelevant to me. The only good thing is that the dance area is walled off from the rest of the club for good privacy, but what does it matter that no one can see a girl dancing 3 feet away from you.

Quality of dancers (8/10) – Every single dancer there was at least a 6, and a few were in the 8-9 range. No fatties, grandmas, or fakes. They all had very sexy outfits on as well.

Number of Dancers (9/10) – On a Monday afternoon there were 6 dancers, all out and about. I was told that, on Tuesday nights when it's a $2 cover and $2 drinks, they get 30+ dancers. Clearly I'll have to revisit the club on a Tuesday for, ahem, fact checking.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Though mostly white girls, there were a variety of body types and styles, and no fake tits. One Latina helped a little, but only a little.

Attitude of dancers (5.5/10) – After two girls ignored me walking by several times, a seasoned veteran came to sit down and invited her friend to hang out. They told us a few lame jokes and laughed at my awesome joke, and never pressured us about getting a dance. They didn't even get terribly upset when I went to get a dance from the hot blonde calling my name.

Value (5.5/10) – The cover is always $5, except on Tuesday it's $2 with $2 drinks. Monday has $1 Miller High Lifes, and $1 wing plate with french fries. Not much could be a better deal. Dances, however, at $20 are about $17 more than they should be for what you get. Stage value is terrible as well because of the no contact rule, and if you go up empty handed, you get what you pay for. (note: according to some readers who have visited more recently than I have, most or all of these prices have gone up since the Gold Club took over)

Dance Setup (2/10) – There's a room in the back end of the club that is 3/4 walled off and very large which is nice, but then there are uncomfortable old benches all along the walls, so everyone is watching everyone else's dance. There are also no partitions anywhere so you better hope Larry Craig isn't sliding his foot over even a little bit.

Club Setup (9/10) – One main stage, and two smaller stages spread almost equidistant so that when it's very busy you never have to look far for someone up there. Chairs/tables are very comfortable and spaced apart so you never feel cramped. There are two dark corners to hide out if you so choose, three large screen TV's with ESPN on, and the bar is a good size and never cramps anyone sitting nearby.

Club Atmosphere (9/10) – The feel of this club is that of a slightly upscale restaurant while still pulling off the casual relaxing pub type atmosphere, with lots of titties roaming around. A very difficult task to accomplish, but they pull it off. Hopefully next time I go back I'll see the shower show that received rave reviews from another patron.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – Roughly 5 miles from route 93, It's still pretty far from any real civilization. What can ya do, it's New Hampsha. Still, there is a hotel less than a mile away, so bachelor party possibilities linger in my mind. If you are going to go out of your way to get here though, just make sure that they're open, because, as I found out the hard way, they've got some strange hours of operation.

Overall – If you're in the area, stopping by is a must. Unfortunately, unless you are a hippie or are on your way between Boston and Canada on business, you'll never be in the area. Thankfully this place is worth a visit on the right nights to rip it up hard and crash at a hotel nearby. Just don't get your hopes up for dances, and forget about extras, as the manager banned girls making out during the shower show because it was "too sexual."

TOTAL SCORE = 53