The Squire (Revere, MA)

Quality of Dances (8/20)- It's a rare club that offers dances worth $30, and this isn't one of them. On my most recent visit, it was all one way contact, and that contact was unremarkable. Your money is much better spent at the stage.

Quality of Dancers (3.5/10) - During my first visit, there was one hot black girl, but she did a weird move on stage where she'd face away from you, get on all fours, and make her asshole convulse like she was trying to take a shit. So that kind of ruined her, and sadly, she was still by far the best thing to look at. The girls' hotness factor increased during my second visit, but not a ton. No fakies, and some great outfits, but that can only help the score so much.

Number of Dancers (3/10) - There have been 6-8 girls working both times I've been here. There wasn't a terrible dancer/customer ratio, but it was a Friday and Saturday night for fuck's sake. Boston may not be the hottest city in America, but there's tons of talent floating around. Spend twenty minutes at a BU party and you could recruit 10 new dancers. The owner has to make a better effort here.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - There were some black girls during my first visit, but the second time we came here, it was whiter than Nicole Kidman dipped in bleach. I did like the brunettes though.

Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) - No one gave me any attitude, but it was impossible to get anyone to give a dance and the girls didn't even pretend to enjoy their jobs during my first trip here.

The girls were more friendly during my second visit, but I need to hold a seminar on teaching strippers how to notice guys who want a dance. Also, one girl had so much game she was annoying. Asking for a dance once is ok, asking for tips at the stage once is ok. Asking for $1 every time you take a step towards the pole to do a move: not Peter Tips approved.

Value (3/10) - As stated above, $30 for a dance is totally outrageous. The super-stiff $6 vodka/sodas made with Absolut almost (but didn't) make up for it.

Dance Setup (7/10) - The booths have open doors, but only people walking to get dances would be able to see in, and that shouldn't be a big issue since it doesn't seem like many people get dances here. Also, the bouncer leaves after you pay him, so the girls are more free to negotiate and up the ante during the dance. The privacy factor here is delicious.

Club Setup (2/10) - This is a large club, but the tables that aren't at the stage are set up so that people on one side of the table won't even be able to see the dancers. The space between customer and dancer while at the stage is often overlooked, but in my opinion, there should just barely be room enough to put your drink, dollars, and elbows on the bar area. The width at the stage here was at least three feet. I felt like the dancer was in a different zip code. Also, there are the dozens of neon Budweiser signs along with bright track lighting everywhere that made the club literally bright enough to see the grease stain on the Cuban chef clear across the club. I'd guess that The Squire uses about $400/month in electricity that is both unnecessary and annoying.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) - They have a full food menu with some options that don't look completely disgusting, but they lose major points for making patrons check their cell phones at the door. I wouldn't talk on my phone in a club, but it's nice to be able to see when someone calls so that I can step outside to return the call if it's important. Also, it's impossible to get over the brightness, so it doesn't make you feel very comfortable when working your game.

Club Accessibility (2/5) - I learned about this place from a taxi driver who was trying to convince me to let him take me there, so you can take a cab here from Boston. It would be a fairly long ride though. For one of my trips here, I left from 10.8 miles away, took the T, a bus, and then a cab, paid ~$35, and it took over an hour. If you're even considering going here, DRIVE.

Overall - The Squire isn't as bad as The Glass Slipper or Centerfolds, but it isn't good enough for me to ever go back. If you've got balls, you should probably just brave the danger and hit King Arthur's instead.

RAW SCORE = 35